Daughter in law

When I had my children I didn't tell anyone that I was in labour or that the baby had been born ,not until we knew all was well.After a run of miscarriages and a neo natal death the last thing we wanted was family arriving en masse or my mum worrying herself sick in case things went wrong again. In the case of the first baby who lived family weren't allowed to see her as she was in special care with jaundice and when my son was born they could only see him through glass at specified times ..and only close family .Every birth is different and we as grandparents should know that and respect how the parents feel .

I am very lucky ,I get on well with my kids and have cared for all 4 GC since they were weeks old ..thats over 15 years of childcare but I wouldn't have shoved their feelings aside to get my own way while the babies were tiny .the only people they need then are their mum and dad

Maybe your son had asked you to be there before he asked his wife if it was okay. It is her choice who attends her labour as it's her who has to go through it.

Also, I get on better with my MIL than my mother. But if she had taken part time work with the intention of seeing my daughter every week, I would instantly be thinking that was too much. You can't expect the family to be there every week for you to see the baby, they might have things on with other family and friends as well. I would be worrying that you were expecting too much involvement. I understand that a grandchild is exciting for you, but you may have come on too strong.

I would allow them some space and then speak to your son, but try to come across as relaxed and laid back.

I don't think it's all your DILs fault, you say that your son didn't contact you during induction and labour or afterwards. That's fair enough, I didn't tell anyone other than my sister I was being induced, some people are more private than others. And it was up to your son to contact you after, her family may have been there but it wasn't up to them to make sure he called. I think it's quite understandable that he got swept away in the moment of having his first child.

I don't think that anyone has been unsympathetic to the OP -I ma sure we have all had a version of these feelings to a greater or lesser degree. But there is a wealth of grandmotherly experience on here which is all pointing in the same direction - some have learned the hard way and would like to spare the OP similar unhappiness.

Getting off on the right foot is very important and if any of these posts might help the OP to do this then that has to be good.

Good point by grandtanteJE65, too many mothers behave as though the children belong to them, the fathers have equal rights, they are not 2nd class parents. Some fathers need to remember that when it comes to decisions regarding the children.

Akenside62, your post is a little vague in places but it seems you posted at 4.30 am so if you are in the UK, this upset is obviously stopping you from sleeping. Are we to understand that you have not yet seen your granddaughter at all? In which case I think you are right to be disappointed and hurt. I took your post to mean that you changed to part time work so that you could visit one day during the week when convenient to take the pressure off them having to keep bits of their weekends free for you to visit. No-one else seems to have interpreted it like that though so now I wonder is that what you meant? Sorry, I do think it's very mean of your son not to have invited you to visit your first grandchild by now, if that is indeed the situation.

Maybe you are pushy without meaning to be. Perhaps have a little think about this. But I'm sure you always mean well. My children eg have told me at times to stop giving advice or trying to sort problems. However it is very disappointing to be excluded. And I hoe this changes.. I have to say my DIL lives very close to her family and I am always the lesser known visitor granny. Its just how it is. Just try to enjoy what you have once they are settled. The plus side is you won't be overburdened with babysitting and helping which is good if you have your own social life. I wouldn't want to be a full time granny.

I am sorry you are hurting and I feel bad by some of these rather harsh comments. While things may change as the baby gets older, often times they don’t. I experienced the same feelings as you are experiencing, and after a year and a half things are finally starting to get better. As others mentioned Mother’s gravitate to their own mothers, however it IS hurtful when it continues for well Over a year. Some women want both sets of grandparents involved, and some women truly only care that her parents are involved. Yes, the husband can and does step up, but will often not as to avoid a fight. Being involved with a grandchild shouldn’t be based on what personality type the baby’s mother has. I truly hope it changes for you and you can be more involved. If it doesn’t happen, try to find things you like to do and fill your time. Take a class, find a hobby, stay busy. Again, I am sorry. I feel your pain.

I am really quite horrified about this post. On Mumset this is the very behaviour that is stressing the new mums and putting pressure on their marriages. You are not being helpful "offering to be there" Do you not remember what it feels like to give birth? Leave them alone or you will drive them away. As a mother of sons and daughters I can tell you without a shadow of a doubt that the majority of girls have a closeness with their mums after a birth, that not even the most perfect mother in law can replicate. Daughters on the whole will trust their own mums first with the special person. I have seen it many times, the expectations of a mother in law driving a wedge. You will do yourself no favours. Wait to be invited, be gracious, let them develop as a family, give no advice unless it is asked. Don't offer to take the baby out or babysit. Get it right and your time will come. Get it wrong and your son will also distance. There is nothing new in this dynamic and jealousy will make it worse

Have they let you see her at all? If so, then you're not being excluded, just it hasn't fitted in with the rest of their routine - and it sounds like she's got as many people under her feet as I'd have wanted to deal with when I had my babies!

Didn’t you gravitate towards your own mum I know I did I don’t remember even thinking much about my mother in law although she was a very dear lady but she lived away and had a few other grandchildren My mum had no others and it was her I rang to cry to or her I asked if she could come down to help out Surely it’s totally natural however nice your mum in law is unless you have the worse mum in the world or no mum at all you will look to your own family first

No feedback since Akenides original post.mperhaps he has had contact.

grandtanteJE65 thank you!

We are both of the same mindset......OP has every right to feel hurt. She also has the right to confront her son about this, when the time is right. I only wish she could get a little more support from this thread.

We can all agree about the challenges of being a new mother, but how is all that consistent with being so cruelly insensitive towards her in-laws?

OK, so MILs shouldn't cross boundaries, but that's not what happened here. OP changed her hours and offered to be more available so she could help with baby....that is not a criminal offense!

A thoughtful DIL would have at least been appreciative of the offer and equally respectful towards her husband's family, as she appears to be with her own.

The DIL has been blamed for alot when she's hardly been mentioned. We don't know if her labour went smoothly, if it was rough, if she was ill, how she's doing now, if she's struggling, if she had natural, c-section...
If she was induced I can only sympathise with the process that she had to go through which We know lasted 2 days if not longer...Things up your arsehole, up your vagina, being on a drip, a catheter, blood tests, monitoring, assessments, being prodded and poked, possiblely shitting yourself when pushing...
Then the faf of afterwards when you've actually had the baby...More blood tests, the come down from drugs, the bleeding, vomit, breastfeeding, not sleeping for days, the stitches, the hormones crashing down, baby blues, your womb contracting back to its normal size...

I wanted my mom too.

The poor bloke having to witness his wife go through all that and then hearing his Mom is 'devastated' she didn't hear about the birth sooner.

I wouldn't confront your son at all. Poor lass hasn't even had her 6 week post partum check up with the midwife.

I see a lot of comments about it's mean or unfair to make differences between grandparents, and that paternal grandparents should be treated the same as maternal ones.

I think this whole "grandparent" idea is the very problem. This DIL sounds like she needs her mum. She, as a woman, wants her own mum. That has nothing to do with "grandparenting". If she wants her own mum around at any time, that's between she and her mother (and her DH if he's home). It has nothing whatever to do with any of the husband's relatives. It's not "unfair" if a woman chooses to spend more time with her own mother than her MIL. It only becomes "unfair" (and fair is not equal) if the family unit as a whole visits one set of relatives and never the other.

OP, if you don't rein it in, you will push your DIL away. Stop worrying about her parents. If she needs her parents around, that's her right. Just be proud you raised a son who is a man and a husband, and wait patiently until they want you around, without any of these "see my grandchild once a week" ideas. Once a week!!! That's way too much. Settle for once a month, and you may get it.

You don’t think announcing that you would be visiting for one day every week for your time with the baby is crossing a boundary Willa.

You see I would see that as an imposition. Even at my age the thought of anyone deciding when they’ll come and spend time in my house is a boundary to me. And every week? On the day they’ve decided?

I can feel myself running a mile. Perhaps the OP didn’t realise how domineeering that sounds.

I think they’re just establishing that it’s their choice who comes and when.

'A thoughtful DIL would have at least been appreciative of the offer and equally respectful towards her husband's family, as she appears to be with her own.'

I vomited down myself when I got home due to gas and air not being out my system. 3/4 weeks down the line I was also still leaking through my house brick pads and bleeding all down my leg. I even ruined the sofa cushion. I was also crying alot. I wore adult nappies for a while around the house when my stitches were aggravated. And my boobs were always out.

That's the norm. That's absolutely normal. How many women 3 weeks down the line want their MILs or anyone in the world they aren't comfortable with, seeing that?

I don't mean to be harsh. I'm sure you are really hurt and I'm not saying you're wrong to feel hurt. Sadly DILs usually call the shots and the fact is she will want her own mother more. You sound like a caring person. Life can be disappointing.

Akenside62. I am completely on your side as exactly the same thing happened to me when my DGS was born. Although I appreciate that DIL’s want/need their mothers when they’ve had a baby. It would be nice if the stopped and thought of how much it hurts the other grandmother. I actually think my DS is partly to blame and often feel
Like telling him to “grow a pair”!!

I agree with BlueBell's remarks.

BlueBelle - sorry, I wrote your name wrongly.

OP, what is your relationship with your DIL like? I think this is the key really, your relationship pre baby and how you handled her pregnancy and birth.

For example, I gravitated more towards MIL than my mom, allowing MIL to come to the hospital after DD was born whereas I didn't ask my mom to. But I knew that my mom was so excited about the baby she didn't give a thought to how I was feeling, she just wanted to get every second with the new baby that she could, and to be honest it did hurt me and affect our relationship. MIL was always as concerned for my wellbeing as she was for DDs, turned up with food and chocolates for me. My mom didn't ask if there was anything she could get me and didn't even ask if I was okay after I'd given birth. So if you have come across as baby mad and not given a thought to how your DIL might be, or showed concern for her, she may have been hurt.

Also OP, did you offer to go part time to help out (as a pp has suggested you did) or just to get a weekly visit. Because if it was to help out then of course it's a lovely offer, but if it was just that you expected a weekly visit on a set day I'd be a bit pissed off to be honest. It's your grandchild yes, but that doesn't mean you have to have a set weekly visit unless everyone is happy to do so. That's more than some non resident parents get in custody arrangement!

Even women who have C sections suffer for about a week and then it gets easier. I've had four C sections in my lifetime (one of my babies was stillborn), so I think I can speak firsthand.

After three weeks, despite a bit of lingering soreness and being tired (from lack of sleep), I was able to shower, dress and generally shuffle about, perform light duties and take care of my baby. I will always be grateful to have had my mom, my grandmother and my DH's sister, (all of them deceased now) taking turns to help out during those critical first six weeks.

It didn't occur to me to complain or make a fuss, much less to inflict the amount of pain that the OPs son and her DIL are causing. Despite all my discomfort and sleepless nights, for those first two or three weeks, I was immensly grateful that one of them was always on hand to feed us, tidy up, do laundry or mind the baby, so for a couple of hours at least, I could get some much needed sleep.

The very notion of turning family away would have driven me to tears because their presence was driven by pure love and nothing else!

I don't think it is unreasonable to expect to see a GC after 3 weeks. What I would expect is that the parents would want it to be a short visit without bundles of advice from well meaning people! Is it possible they are worried about a lengthy visit and being a bit bamboozled with well intentioned advice which will contradict today's methods?
I can understand your concern about the actual birth but I don't think 5 hours is so long that his parents should have stepped in. I can also understand that you were disappointed not to have gone when you were actually invited previously by your son. I guess their plans changed but you have to swallow that disappointment because letting it fester won't help.
Reflect on whether your enthusiasm for seeing your Grandchild has made you act in a way which assumes that you will see it once a week, look after it, etc, etc. giving your DIL a feeling that she needs to make a stand now. I am sure you have meant well but sometimes what we mean doesn't translate well.
If I were you, I would make the most of a visit complimenting my DIL on being such a wonderful mother, take her a little gift and make it clear that you accept that she knows best for her child. By all means, offer your help now for when the baby is old enough but be gracious if she doesn't take it up.

Good god its only 3 weeks old, mum may be bleeding and leaking and stuggling to feed baby still. At 3 weeks PP with one of my babies I was being threatened with readmission to hospital due to complications and my baby wasnt yet thriving and hosting visitors was just not an option.

With another baby I was out and about taking baby to see everyone the day after she was born.

Its one time in your life when you SHOULD be able to call the shots, and anyone who thinks otherwise probably wont be the type youll want round in the post partum days

The people who were around when things were still hard were the people who came to support us as a unit, not the people who wanted their turn to see the baby. Can you see the difference? Your OP paints yourself as the latter... in which case you will have to wait until they are ready to host visitors.

My ILs were welcome any time PP, they cared about how we were ALL doing. My mother however just wanted "her turn" as if the baby was a toy. She was kept at arms length until we had adapted and built back up the strength to deal with that kind of guest.