Daughter in law

My friends has had 2 C-sections and her experience is a million miles away from yours.

I've had 2 natural births and didn't start showing signs of being 'ok' till about week 12!

Both sets of grandparents had met both of my children on the day they were born. My mom was around more. MIL was around when it was easy for her and us.

We also don't know if OP has met her granddaughter and I agree 3 weeks without meeting her is very strange. Or if the OP wants to visit on her days off and that's what the problem is...

What works for one person doesn't work for another.

My SIL phoned around 2/3 hours after my Daughter had her c section , we were on tenterhooks at home and her sister at hers, but DD had complications after her delivery and they were worried about her. We were all asked not to visit the next day so DD and SIL could have some time to themselves for her to recover. Babies (she and Twins) born on the Friday nobody saw them from either family until the Sunday 50 hours later. DD still sore, shattered, and still on painkillers and not really knowing what was happening. Both Grand parents and both sisters took it in turns to visit at the hospital the day we were allowed to see the babies and then we went home and I went down a week later to stay and help so fair to all. I did EXACTLY what my daughter wanted she was very fragile and overwhelmed and after 2 days in labour maybe your DIL is too. It will get better but it is ALL about the parents and baby and nothing about you at the moment so step back and wait a bit and you will have your share.

By the way we lived 150 miles away and MIL lived in the same town

Op we are 12 months down the line and my situation was like yours and has not changed, if anything it is worse. My dil is controlling and manipulative and though my son sometimes loses it with her eventually gets sucked back in. We have realised she tells lies and when caught out cries, threatens (uses child as a pawn) & he gives in. Have decided her toxicity is not required in my life so unless my son keeps his promise of no one ever preventing his children from seeing his parents we are not likely to see gc much. As sad as that is I am not wasting my later years worrying and stressing over it and am going to enjoy my life minus the negativity x

After six years of marriage my son and daughter-in-law are having their first baby. I love my daughter-in-law like she's my own, but I won't be in the least little bit hurt or surprised if she wants to see more of her mum than me in the first few weeks after baby is born. I have also made it very plain that I'm excited and looking forward to the baby's arrival, but have spent a few pounds on 'pamper' presents for mum-to-be too. She matters to me every bit as much as the baby and I hope she knows that. (Actually, I'm pretty sure she does.)
The other grandparents live less than a minute's walk from my house and there is no element of competition as we get on very well and they love my son to bits.
I do think it's slightly telling that grandads don't seem to get much of a mention in the advent of a new grandchild. The Wonderful Man is also a wonderful grandparent (he took a day off work today to spend with our 5 year old grandson who wanted to 'do woodwork and go on a bike ride' with him), but he's quite happy to offer help to new parents and then hover in the background until needed. Our grandchildren adore him.

Two days from induction to delivery. Lets remember that.
She must have been exhusted and in so much pain.
Yet Op is angry that they didnt call for five hours. That is so shocking to me.

So many posts here, and I have to say, many of them critical of you, Akenside62. I can completely understand how you are feeling. Your son should have texted you to say that the baby had been born and was healthy, etc. He should have known that you would be anxious, and waiting for news. And how long does a text take? A minute?

And the baby is now three weeks old and you haven't even seen her ...? Not acceptable, in my view.

In three weeks they could have made just one afternoon available to you.

But, as many have said here, let things settle and 'go with the flow'. Don't cause any arguments that could affect your future contact with your little granddaughter. Step back and wait. Be patient.

Hope all goes well for you.

Can you quote where poster says she hasn’t seen the baby yet Lyndiloo
It says she hasn’t yet seen her on her day off which implies to me she has seen her but not on a day that poster wanted to see her on
It also says they haven’t been invited up for a cup of tea again no definite that they haven’t seen the baby
Now you may be perfectly correct and the poster hasn’t seen the baby in three weeks which I totally agree is quite wrong, very uncaring and harsh, although surely the son should be the one making sure his mum and dad are involved and it was definitely him to blame they didn’t get the text after her birth NOT the daughter in law who probably didn’t know what way up the world was
So is there more to this than we have been told ?

Unless Akenside gives us an update we will just carry on speculating and never know

I agree Bluebelle. I did ask for clarification but the OP has not yet been back to us. It seemed to me she may well have seen the baby but just not on that specific day she had arbitrarily set aside for it.

Im sorry you are hurting right now. I think there's good advice here, but unfortunately there's always going to be posts from insensitive people too.
I'll tell you my intuition about your situation. If I'm wrong, please forgive me as I don't know all the facts, but I mean this to be constructive and to help.
I remember when I shared with my mother some interesting events in my life that were coming up, afterwards she would want to immediately know the details of my experience and was upset that I didn't call her until a few days later to talk about the details. My goal was not to hurt her, but I really wanted the unique experiences to myself...to just bask in what I'd experienced without talking about it. I also needed it to be my own experience as an adult, and because there has been emeshment issues with her and I, I wanted to keep some distance to individuate and grow.
You're son was wrong for not texting/calling to let you know the baby was ok like he promised, especially making you wait five hours knowing you were probably very worried. But I'm wondering if there's been some control or emeshment issues between you and him growing up and he felt he couldn't just talk to you briefly on the phone or was afraid you would try to come down right away.. interfering in his first life changing experience as a new parent. This doesn't mean that you are not valuable or are unloved.. You actually sound like a lovely mother who has a lot of love to give and wants to be there. But as many people here have said, space is something your son and daughter in law need, not only for their personal growth as young adults , but for the psychological health of their brand new family.

It might be hard to do, but perhaps you could have a heart to heart talk with both your son and DIL and explain to them that you're aware of some control issues you need to look at and that you will be conscious of not imposing in their lives, yet would love to be there for them when they need you. Perhaps DIL has had control issues with her mom and she's hypersensitive about these things too, so it may take some time and trust. The balance of giving space and being there when needed may set you up for a lifetime of great new memories. All the best ?

You're not allowed to use phones in some wards as it effects the equipment. He might of had to leave the ward to make the phone call. Something he maybe didn't want to do after the birth.
We don't know if there was any complications after delivery.

I don’t think anyone has been insensitive or harsh, just honest and trying to give sage advice from all angles.
But I have to say I am shocked at the attitudes of some and the entitlement some grans have to what their involvement should be in someone else’s life changing moments. For your son and DIL, the birth of their child, has been a life changing, earth shattering moment for them and a private time for them both, so it’s only right they don’t think of you first, they don’t have to let you know anything in any expected time frame, they were your expectations and so you should be the one dealing with them not being met. You son and DIL shouldn’t have to do anything other than think about themselves and that’s what they did. You were told 5 hours later, I don’t understand why you can’t just be grateful, your position in their life now is a privileged one, and nothing should be taken for granted, they are adults with their own family and needs that trump everyone else’s.

I know how hard it is to take a step back, especially when you are so excited, but it’s not our baby, it’s theirs. It’s a hard lesson to learn but I’m afraid if you don’t a few months down the line you might be on here talking about low contact or estrangement.

I'm pleased to see that there are at least some understanding and kindly worded responses on thread Akenside.

It never ceases to amaze and sadden me when a GM's natural desire to see her GC is regarded by some as a sense of entitlement when it's purely natural.

You say your son asked if you wanted to be there, presumably so you could see your GD as soon as possible. Nothing there to suggest that you were or are being pushy, expecting to be a priority or exhibiting entitlement. Your son asked you, not the other way around.

You say your son said he would text you when it was close but failed to do so and that you didn't know she'd been born until 5 hours afterwards. I can understand you feeling upset by this especially as it appears that no explanation as to why he didn't follow through has been offered. It's perfectly understandable and IMO reasonable for you to feel as if you're being kept away from such a joyful and life changing event for you all.

"She has stopped other things in the past that we have tried to do" seems like a lot of those who've responded to your post have missed this. So this is nothing knew, she's done it in the past and now appears to be doing the same with their baby.

What can you do? sadly nothing but wait and hope and pray that things will change and you'll be able to see your dear little GD and her parents very soon.

You say your son "is a loving husband and just goes along with what whatever she wants". If this situation continues I hope your son will realise the unfairness and cruelty of keeping his parents away from his child and the distinct possibility of his D not knowing her paternal GP's and does something about it.

'You say your son asked if you wanted to be there, presumably so you could see your GD as soon as possible. Nothing there to suggest that you were or are being pushy, expecting to be a priority or exhibiting entitlement. Your son asked you, not the other way around.'

What about the woman giving birth? Doesn't she get a say?

Dear me, this is about a couple becoming a family, a woman going through huge upheaval and a man becoming a dad. It's not about the needs and wants of anybody else.

I think its telling that the son said he didnt call because things were "emotional"

When you have your first child people fall into two categories:
1. Your support system.
2. Visitors you host.

You want your support system around when you are emotional, you don't want to host visitors when you are emotional.

Its okay to be a visitor on the outer circle, the time will come when the couple want to "get back to normal" and will enjoy visitors again.

P.s. you don't really chose your support system, its about feelings so you can't control it. Its the people you feel comfortable being vulnerable around. You cant shoe horn in someone you feel you need to be on best/host behaviour with it'll just exhaust you when you need to be built up not worn down

A son is a son till he takes him a wife
But a daughter is a daughter for the rest of your life.
How true that is.

I don’t usually tell this story, because no one comes out of it well. And this is not directed at OP, or suggesting she would do such a thing. But there are a few comments here focusing on the new dad’s ‘responsibilities as a son’, especially to ensure his parents access the baby. There are times and circumstances when his responsibilities as a son are not going to be compatible with his responsibilities as a partner and new father. I will tell this story as an illustration of that.

We struggled to conceive for about a decade and when DD1 announced her presence, we both thought this was our one and only shot at a miracle baby. I had a history of severe depressive episodes and although I’d been well for a few years and stayed on medication, I was considered high risk for post natal depression and possibly psychosis and the advice of the perinatal mental health team to me and DH had been that we should try to make my post partum time as stress free as possible to help avoid any possible illness.

I had a rough pregnancy first time around and ended up back in hospital two days after DD1 was born due to uterine infection and continued haemorrhage. I was really pretty ill and was taken back in for IV antibiotics, blood transfusions, some other stuff.

The hospital advised me standard procedure was for me to bring baby to the ward with me since she was practically fresh out the factory. PILs had turned up during this negotiation with the midwives and hospital and said I should be “sent” so MIL could “bond with her own wee girl”. Super sensitive timing there. I had also - being hormonal and not well - dug my heels in about being separated from her and saying I wouldn’t go without her. I was reassured this was not expected and we got packed up and headed in.

She and I were in a side room in the postnatal ward. Got there, got hooked up to drips, more tests, saw my consultant, all of that. Consultant was a bit concerned and insisted I try to get some sleep because I was desperately worn out from a long labour and all the blood loss on top of the infection.

Husband tells me to get some sleep, the wee one is in her plastic basin thing next to me and he will take care of her whilst I get a quick nap before the drips are changed over.

I wake up with the midwife changing the drip bags over and no baby. No husband either, but no baby. Midwife responds to my panicked inquiry about the whereabouts of my two day old daughter with “your husband has taken her home, he said that was what you agreed”

I had not agreed. I had not been asked. I would not have agreed if I had been asked.

I call him in a rising panic and lo and behold, he is at home but my baby is not. My baby is at my PILs so that “MIL can have special time with her, you’re in hospital anyway, you know this first grandchild is really important to my mum, anyway I don’t know how long you will be in hospital”.

I will remain permanently grateful to the the kind midwife who sent for the perinatal mental health registrar to come see me, and then to phone my husband and make it very clear that whisking my brand new infant away against my wishes for an indeterminate period of time was pretty much exactly not what he had been advised to do, and my baby better show up ASAP.

He also very kindly wrote me up for a couple of diazepam as a full blown panic episode was definitely not what I needed.

By the time visiting hours came and my parents arrived, there was still no husband and no baby. I was lying weeping in the bed, gobsmacked as to how DH was interpreting these events as a green light to not bring his wife their tiny daughter.

My father called my father in law. I remain uncertain quite how that conversation went, but I know they have never again spoken nor do they intend to.

Still no baby. My consultant discharged me the following morning, mainly as it had become apparent the separation was doing me significant emotional harm when I was already sick. My dad came to get me with my bags of pills when it became clear DH was not showing up. On return to the house I found no one home. I went to my parents as dad was extremely worried about me.

Eventually DH shows up at home with my baby and some tale about how it was “difficult to get her away from MIL, she just loves her so much”. Luckily he did not say this in front of my mother.

I probably don’t need to illustrate that despite the requirement to maintain diplomatic relations with PILs, and their existing arrangement for visitation, any actual relationship with them is dead beyond resurrection after this. But I would add that DH’s decision to put his mum’s wants and expectations in front of my needs during this incident blew a galactic sized hole in our marriage that is not repairable. I stay with him for the children. I am always pleasant and indeed kind to him. He says he is happy in our marriage. I don’t love him and I don’t trust him. He is not my confidante. He has let me down and hurt me on multiple occasions before and after this, but this is the one that I can’t heal.

We had one therapy session over this issue where he became very aggressive and stated that his most important relationship was with his mum and his priority at the time had been to make sure she was included and that she “got her grandmother experience”.

I am glad he feels this strong love for his mum, and I hope she lives a good long time so he can enjoy being her son. Because in eighteen years, he will no longer be anyone’s husband.

Some hurts don’t heal.

only 3 weeks old.!!! they need time to themselves .of course the dil needs her mother at this time. send DIL a card and an invitation for sometime in the future say 2 months time. by then they would have sorted out a baby routine.dont rush them ,they are a new family ,they need time to adjust.just be there if they need you..be patient. remember its their baby not yours.

Violetfloss it appears that "the woman giving birth" is most definitely having a say, and from the OP not for the first time she's stopped her in laws from doing things.

That saying certainly appears to be true for some Billybob but IMO it's a load of nonsense and only serves to condone the the behaviour of some who restrict and in some cases withdraw all contact with the husband's parents.

A son is a son for the rest of his life, regardless of whether or not he has a wife.

It is of course understandable that a new mum wants support from her own mother but that should not be at the expense of the father's. If I'd had a D and felt her m.i.l. was being excluded from her GC's life, I'd have felt very uncomfortable.

Our ES's parents weren't at their wedding because she'd gone non contact with them. On one occasion, due to his hostility toward his future in laws, our ES told me that if they were to have children he wouldn't allow them to have any contact with their GC.

I told him he was wrong as they would GP's to any children they had and where as it would be reasonable to ensure they were never left alone with their GC, if that made him uncomfortable, it would be wrong the deny them their GC and his C, their GP's.

The irony here of course being that eventually her parents were back 'in' and for nearly 6 years, we've been cut out.

That was a terrible thing for you to have gone through muffinthemoo and no one I'm sure would condone your H's and m's.i.l. behaviour. That said, IMO it is a son's responsibility to ensure that everyone in the immediate family is able within reason to see the new arrival.

It's a destructive path to go down when one set of parents is being excluded from their GC's life at the behest of either the mother or the father, because they think their family is more important.

The real fear of thinking you may never see your GC again and the pain when that fear becomes a reality, has to be experienced before it can ever be truly understood.

Muffin

Mum and baby are a single biological unit in the weeks post birth. They call it the fourth trimester. It is very very important for both mum AND baby that that attachment is honoured as much as possible.

Anyone who comes between it does not care about the mum OR the baby. A grandparent who cares about the baby and not just themselves will want to support the little unit as that is what is best for baby.

People who are there for the family as a unit are far more likely to find an open door! And rightly so.

omg i would have called the police on a kidnap charge. was really gobsmacked that your partner could just walk out of the hospital with a baby.i dont think i would have wanted mil anywhere near the baby after that. but you are leaving them without seeing their grandaughter. could you not send photos if you dont want contact....its really sad that your husband put his mum first.

It's a destructive path to go down when one set of parents is being excluded from their GC's life at the behest of either the mother or the father

Her life hasnt happened yet! Shes a newborn!

because they think their family is more important.
Or perhaps they rightly centre the baby and post partum woman as most important, and as such they have who they need to have around while the dust settles. They can think about others later, this is a time when her needs come first so that she can meet het babys needs.

moggie they see the children one whole day every other weekend plus all major holidays and family events. My PILs have extensive contact with my children. Rarely a week passes when DH doesn’t arrange for them to see them. Like I say, he is very concerned with his mum’s grandparent experience.

A father with parental rights and responsibilities can’t kidnap his own child. Police etc can’t become involved. I knew that and so did he. I was left flat in a bed in hospital with nothing I could do but beg for her back.

And he didn’t bring her.