Ashamed of son.

So sorry but my son is like that he blames us but it is up to him .He was sexually abused by a teenager where we previously lived but unfortunately at trial the other person won and he was not offered counselling .To top the lot he has Attention Deficit Disorder and Dyspraxia plus other difficulties and will not take medication .School was hell for him as then very little was known about these conditions so he was doomed to fail .Until he asks for help we are stuck but he threatens us for money all the time and gets in debt however many times we bail him out enough is enough

Alfie -if you find when you return home that he has abused your home and hospitality I think you have to ask him to leave and then he must never be allowed to live with you again. Could you help him find a flat or room or hostel and possibly pay the deposit? It may be easier to support him from a distance. Would he agree to see the local drug and alcohol team? Nowadays rehab has gone out of fashion as the outcomes are no better than working with patients while they are at home. I wish you well. Hope the situation improves

So sorry for you, Alfie. I think there must come a time when you say, 'Enough is enough.' You've done everything you can to help your son, so you should never feel guilty.

My daughter was married to an alcoholic. It took two long, heartbreaking years for her to decide that she'd had enough. Two terms of re-hab did no good at all.

He's your son. You love him. But I think there comes a time when you have nothing left to give, without destroying your own lives. And you can't let that happen.

Put your time and energy into supporting his wife and children. They must need you very much.

Take heart that you have two other children who are doing well, and deserve your love and attention.

It's shit, I know. And so hard for you. Be strong.

Sending you .

Stop enabling your son.

Evict him from your home as soon as possible.

He will have to reach rock bottom to realize he needs help.

You also need to find organizations that support families of addicts and attend their meetings.

Dear Alfie I m so sorry this is horrible because you are torn in two, you love and want to help your son, but he won’t or can’t allow it He believes he doesn’t need any help, he’s kidding himself he’s living a normal life and it HAS become normal to him he sees you as the block to his life although he still comes to you when at his lowest so you are still an integral part of his life
This is heartbreaking but you will have to ask him to leave again even if it means calling the police to get him out
Yes he’s ill and yes he needs support but it can’t come from you perhaps if he’s arrested he will get help

In the meantime get help for yourselves from a drug/ alcohol abuse service they will put it in perspective for you and give you ideas and support etc that is so very important that you learn how to deal with him because he will try to come back and you will always want to help because he is your boy and you love him and you will always hope he’s changed

Poor man he is so deeply addicted that nothing but strict professional help will work and until he is ready or is forced through court or health he CANNOT change

Please ignore gemmag s post that was nasty and judgemental and deserves and apology if she’s big enough

Alfie, so sad to read this. We have been in a similar situation with my step son. He is now late 40s, we went through hell with him for over 20 years. He was addicted to heroin. He had 2 children both were adopted having been born addicted as his partner was an addict. He had 2 spells in prison, came out clean on both occasions then went back to the drugs. He stayed with us after his release on both occasions but within weeks was using again and stealing from us to buy the drugs. All I wanted was for him to stop using the drugs, but you cannot make someone stop, they have to want to do it themselves. Getting someone into rehab as others have suggested won’t work unless they are determined to stop.
I was very ashamed of him & couldn’t tell anyone about him.
I went to a support group for family & friends of addicts, it helped me to realise that I wasn’t alone, others were experiencing the same things I was, these people came from all walks of life. Some people had been able to pay for rehab for their children more than once & it hadn’t worked.
He broke into our house more than once, was forever demanding money to pay off his dealers.
In the end we had to say enough is enough and refused to have contact with him, he could well have ended on the streets, but he was an adult & made his own choices.
In the end he stopped using, he met a lovely woman, she knows about his past & they are happy together. I asked him recently what made him stop, he said that he was fed up with that lifestyle.
We have been through hell with him, he sent me to the edge of a breakdown, work was the only thing that kept me going. I still suffer from a degree of anxiety & depression as a result of this, but am receiving CBT & am on the way to recovery I think.
Alfie you cannot make him stop, you must focus on the grandchildren and on yourself, you did all you could for him as a child, his current state is due to his choices in life. It is so much harder for you than it was for me as you are a mum & not just a step-mum, but there comes a time when you have to leave him to his own devices, my support group used to call it tough love.
I am so sorry for what you are going through, nobody knows how awful this is unless they have been there themselves.
Sending you lots of positive thoughts & the hope that you will have the strength to get through this.
Sorry that this goes on a bit.

So, so sorry to hear your heart break. I agree with most posters, you have no option but to ask him to leave.

I have an alcoholic friend (dry for over 30 years) and she is adamant that no one can help an alcoholic, no therapy or rehab unless the alcoholic himself wants to truly change. The kindest thing you can do is to stop enabling the addict as you prolong the illness (horrendous if you are the parent) and wait and pray that a crisis will catapult him into that vital step to seek help from a professional and AA by himself.

He has to hit rock bottom before he will/can decide to change and you paying for his hostel or accommodation is enabling his addiction and will prevent him from reaching that vital step to recovery.

Take care of yourself and his children. You may want to consider Alanon for yourself but most of all his children who are also suffering so much. In fact I recommend channelling any helplessness you may feel about this situation into supporting your grand children, his children.
Take care.

Just realised, I mirrored Suesocks. Sorry for the repetition.

You are all so very helpful.
Thank you for responding.
to all who have been through similar problems.

Alfie, you sound a little bit angry and maybe that is no bad thing.
Please get support for yourself, find groups to join which offer help.
The addict I'm afraid needs to leave .

I hope that the experiences of others on GN has helped you realise you are not alone with this. Your son will not be helped until he asks for it, but maybe you and your DH need to get help for yourselves, help to realise that it is not your fault. Good luck, we are all with you.

My young brother refused to seek help . He sadly died of a heart attack aged 52. He was the loveliest person.

I'm so sorry for you Alfiebass. There's no need to feel ashamed. And that is not a criticism at all. He can't help it. But until he realises he needs help he won't ask for it and no one can make him. And he might never ask.

Unfortunately you will have to exclude him from your home but you can help him to find somewhere to live and make sure he has some food.
And do what ever you can for his family.
And step back a bit for the sake of your own sanity and wellbeing.
It's very sad and hard to cope with. I do sympathise. And I feel so sorry for your son too.

'The addict I'm afraid needs to leave' I'm sure you didn't mean to be hurtful Lessismore but this is Alfie's dear son we are talking about. He is extremely precious to her just like all our children are. He has lost his way.

It sounds awful when I read it back, sorry. I guess I do actually believe that. I'm so very sorry for the OP.

He is lost but he is dragging people down with him.

btw, I have some experience of a son and addiction. It is the pits, the absolute pits.

AlfieBass.........I have just re read my post and I apologise if it sounded too harsh. I was a bit hasty and reacted to the heading ‘I’m ashamed of my son’.

Earlier on this year we found out that our son was an alcoholic. He was a functional alcoholic but was finding it more and more difficult to lead a normal life. His marriage of eighteen years had broken down and he started to drink even more heavily. Part of the problem was that they didn’t have children, lots of failed IVF’s . He met a very nice woman but eventually she too had had enough and chucked him out. He came to live with us and at the beginning we ignored his drinking which never took place in front of us. He had the top of our house so lived separately from us. He found it extremely difficult to speak to us so we just tried to pretend that everything was ok and that he would seek help. We have never our son drunk.

Unless you have experienced this with a son or daughter you have absolutely no idea what it does to the rest of the family.

Fortunately for my son his partner is very supportive and it was at her insistence that he sought help. He was an outpatient at a private hospital for six weeks and has not had a drink for three months. They are back living together with her young daughter who adores my son and he her but I don’t let myself think of the future as we know that an alcoholic is always going to be an alcoholic.

It is an illness. My son was always a hard drinker but we thought it was normal as all his friends drank a lot. The only difference was that they knew when to stop but the alcoholic doesn’t have that switch off button and they just want to drink more and more. My brother was an alcoholic so it’s probably genetic.

Alfie....you must get help for your son because if you turn him away who knows what will happen to him. Our son never stole anything from us and I know that he’s been very lucky to be able to efford private care.

We never think that this is going to happen to us but when it does you just do the best you can. I’m very sorry that I upset you and I know exactly how you are feeling. It is the most awful thing. I wish you the very best and hope that your son will seek the help he needs.?

Thank you everyone I'm listening to all the advice given.
Gemmag Apology accepted. Thank you.

Nice to see an apology Gemmag and good luck with your son too

We are also ashamed of our daughter. She has been a heavy cannabis user since her teens and lives a chaotic life with her young baby.

She is no longer with the father of her child who is also a drug user and suffers from very severe Bipolar Disorder.

She has stolen from us and from her grandmother to fund her habit and she will lie constantly to get what she wants.

She is often extremely abusive towards us and sees any offers of help as interference. I have often felt extremely embarrassed and ashamed of the way she behaves towards us or anyone else who says or does something she doesn't like.

We don't give her money any more but we do have to pay her mortgage and often pay for her shopping.

Thankfully she doesn't live with us (that would be impossible) but it means we are constantly worrying about her and our beautiful GD.

She is a good Mum to her daughter who is a very happy child and obviously well cared for but we have to 'walk on eggshells' around her so that we can keep a watchful eye on them both.

I simply don't see a way out of it at all.

AlfieBass, ignore the negative comments, people have far too much to say when they have no idea what we are up against.

Looking after yourself and your own security/sanity doesnt = not loving ir caring for him!

I saw a documentary years ago about a woman in Brighton whose addict daughter stole from her every time she let her in her home. The daughter wasnt "bad" just deep into her addictions and help had been offered but the addictions were too strong..

The mums solution, which I thought was loving and touching was to be in the same cafe every week at lunch time. Her daughter sometimes came and sometimes didnt. Money was never on offer but a hot meal and a listening ear from someone loving was always there for her.

So the daughter always new she was loved.

But the rest of the family wasnt being destroyed in the process.

I always remembered that..

Gemmag - I am sorry to hear about your son.

It is so hard when these things happen to our offspring as we love them dearly and always have such high hopes of them.

AlfieBass A rotten situation for you.There are no easy answers, drug and alchohol dependencies lead to a chaotic and sometimes criminal lifestyle, but whatever he does he is your son and you love him ( but obviously don’t love his behaviour.)Does he have mental health problems that you know of? Something has created this situation, and unaddressed mental disorders often lead to wanting the ‘crutch’ of drink/drugs to help a person deal with the world.

Well theft is theft, whether it be from a complete stranger or your nearest and dearest!

This excuse for a human being is treading all over his parents, the very people who he should love and respect, in exchange for what? His next fix, his next tin of special brew! Shame on him!!!!!!!

He needs to be reported to the police for theft immediately you return home! He has taken advantage of you both and other family members, destroying relationships and lives in the process. His beliefs that everyone does drugs and drinks alcohol merely defines his life choices; he is no good to you or himself whilst ever he maintains that thought process. Yes, he needs help, yes, he needs rehab but until he admits and accepts that he needs help he will never change.

I'm so sorry he is destroying your lives and livelihood but I'm equally appalled at the sanctimonious attitude of some GN members. Until this specimen of a human being admits he is doing wrong nothing will get put right!

This excuse for a human being - dear me. This is someone's dear son who has fallen into drug addiction. Please try to imagine how they might be feeling. There is nothing "sanctimonious" about trying to be understanding.