Ashamed of son.

Op,

You also owe your dh an apology.

He didn't want his own son back at home due to his addiction problem.

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Alfiebass, awful for you and your family going through this. I wish I had good advice, daresay you have tried everything. It must be hard for you yo ask him to leave, but I can understand how you can tolerate the things he has gone. Perhaps, he will seek the help he needs when he us rock bottom. We are only as happy as our unhappiest child I know that. People can and do change, let's pray he does.

Would you like your dear child to be called a specimen of a human being H1954? Of course not! Please show some compassion or don't bother to post. No parent would happily call the police and let their child get a criminal record.

H1954 is obviously one of those people who can't understand addiction. Just ignore.
My brother was the nicest person and I miss him so much.

There are many replies and I have read every one. They are all helpful even the more forthright posters.
I see the way forward as a new place for him to live where with hope he will get help.
We will of course support him.
He has no obvious mental health problems. He has been assessed and found free of any such like.
My biggest fear is of losing touch with him and he goes on a complete downward spiral although it seems from the advice that he has to get to rock bottom. Thank you everyone.

I'd also send my best hopes for the future to all those who are or have been affected by similar problems.

One or two nasty, hard hearted, rude people on here thankfully not many
hithere and H1954 horrible hurtful posts without an ounce of thought gone into them hopefully you are never in the situation
notanan that’s a lovely idea
None of us can say what life event or corner turned can lead to a downward spiral for our children and it goes without
saying we love them unconditionally Addiction is the hardest thing in the world
Tomorrow is the day you are home and the day it may all blow up please take very great care of yourself and remember you will always be a mum and however bad it is he is your baby who has taken the wrong turning he is not an evil person
I truly sincerely hope it goes ok let is know, most of us are rooting for you
Good luck to all with a difficult relationship, and stay in touch if at all possible, once gone it’s so much harder for everyone

Unimaginably difficult for you. Sometimes the best thing to do is the toughest. Our children, even as adults play on our caring instincts. You have done everything to try to give your son a fighting chance to change his disruptive behaviour & habits. Time to put yourselves and rest of family as priority. Wishing you well

www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2019/aug/18/my-son-keeps-stealing-from-me-and-my-dad-but-i-cant-tell-anyone-mariella-frostrup

Alfie, some useful information here

AlfieBass, I weep for you, your son didn’t choose to be an addict . He is in denial.

Don’t cut him out of your life , yes help him find a place to live and set boundaries but hard as it is don’t cut him out of your life. X

You cannot help someone who doesn't want help and to me it sounds as if this son of yours does not want help. He just wants to run home to mummy whenever the rest of the world is sick to death of him.

Tell him to leave and make sure he does. Stealing from you is not acceptable and it won't stop at your bread maker.

I know this is hard, but apparently our husband was right not to want his son in the house.

You cannot say the son does not want help. If only it was that easy! I have worked with addicts. When pressed they virtually all say they want a relationship, a home and a job. They want to be 'normal'. It is SO hard to fight addiction. Those of us who are over the ideal weight know how hard it is to be disciplined in what we eat so imagine the physical and psychological aspects of addiction to drugs or alcohol.

I do not think that addicts are choosing to refuse help - they are acting out of profound fear, as the addiction is so strong that it becomes impossible to imagine not having this in their lives. It is as vital as breathing to them; and it is easier to back away from rehab than face the seemingly impossible task of continuing life without the drug.

I am filled with fury when I think about these truly dreadful cynical people who deal in these drugs. Sickening.

As a mother, your intentions to help your child are misguided. You do it to ease your own guilt.

The money he doesn't spend in housing and feeding himslef- he spends on drugs
Do you provide transpoetarion for him? He could be picking up drugs
Do you give him pocket money? He is buying drugs
Do you pay his cellphone bill? He is calling his drug dealer

Addiction affects the whole family.
Even if he goes to rehab, everybody around him needs to be treated as well.

Mothers do not help to 'ease their own guilt'. They help because they love their kids and because whatever happens they are committed to their kids. Yes, parents must show tough love but this must be combined with long term commitment, patience and forgiveness. There is no quick fix. Hopefully parents are there for the long haul. I sincerely hope things slowly but steadily improve for your son,Alfie

Mumofmadboys
www.google.com/amp/s/www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/when-your-adult-child-breaks-your-heart/201403/parenting-substance-abuser%3famp

This article doesn't tell me anything new Hithere. It's estimate that 25 -50% of addicts relapse seems a very optimistic figure. In my experience and from my studies it is a lot more.

It's all very well for Hithere to quote article an article from Psychology Today and talk about parents wanting to ease their guilt but I don't see anything in any of Highthere's posts that tell me the posts are from experience.

My adult son has been a recovering alcoholic for more than three years. We brought him home to live with us after his 2nd detox in hospital. Do we feel guilty that we somehow caused his alcoholism or enabled him? No, why should we? Are we ashamed of him? No, I'm so proud of his courage, as Luckygirl says, the strength of addiction is terrifying and those that fight it deserve support and admiration. Do we discuss what has happened with anyone? No, only because our son has asked us not to.

AlfieBass you need support, Al-Anon and Adfam are the usual go to places. However, I would urge you to find out as much as possible about services available for addicts. See if there are any counsellors specialising in intervention, find out about rehab etc. - you may need to act quickly if your son asks for help, in my experience, Al-Anon haven’t a lot to offer if the addict means to recover, I have not tried Adfam though.

I'm so sorry for you AlfieBass. Although it is still early days for a recovering addict and I know that my son could relapse, I now have hope. I wish that for you too.

AlfieBass, addicts will do anything to feed their addiction, including stealing from family. Their behaviour may be completely out of character and the addiction may seem to be beyond their control.

I hope that you can access some suitable help for him, preferably at a distance from yourselves. At the end of the day, somewhere inside, he's still your son. It's gone beyond the stage where you can support and help him yourselves so a line needs to be drawn but don't take his past 'crimes' personally, blame the addiction instead.

Sadly, I have experience.

I thought I would update on the last few days events.
On Sunday I missed a call from my son. He then sent a text at 8.30 am saying he was in trouble.
With a sinking heart I rang him.
He'd been having a panic attack.
Brought on by the knowledge that although they've been apart since May there is a baby on the way. Due just after Christmas.
As of today hes made a decision to go back home, he's applied for several jobs which he has a good chance of getting. He's a plumber.
He's vowing to give this child everything including his love and attention. His children, my only GC, are eleven and four.
There are still the original problems and I know this will not be a miracle cure.
I've a feeling it will all go wrong again for them but with another child in the mix.
So I've no need to ask him to leave. He's going.
I don't know what to make of it all.
I'm worried for them, shocked and pleased all at once.

Sorry, I forgot the spacing.

Alfie, this is a turn up for the books. play it cool, think through every possible outcome of this momentous announcement.

Hope for the best, plan for the worst. - and start knitting those baby clothes