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My DD has just turned up on our doorstep...

(68 Posts)
Scentia Thu 16-Jan-20 19:47:09

Just that really. She has said her DH has said he doesn’t want to be with her anymore and her and her DS have arrived here.

The thing is I don’t really want to get too involved as it is a row about something so silly but I did feel when we were away for the weekend that he is very very critical of my DD and she lets him do it my DD is having to defend herself all the time, she seems like a different person than the strong young woman we raised.

I have really gone off him last weekend as it was awful to see him on at her all the time, my DH said he has always been like that and that’s why he doesn’t really like him, but I haven’t noticed it before this weekend.

I want to tell her to leave him but what sort of mother and Nanna wants to advise someone to do that.

They just seem so childish and I suppose at 25 they are children.

They seem to be trying to sort their problem out by text message, what is that all about.

I know I’m right to not get involved but what can I advise her to do?

Urmstongran Thu 16-Jan-20 19:52:17

All you can do is to be there for your daughter and grandson as a ‘safety net’ in case they need to drop into it.

As you are doing at the moment ....


Tangerine Thu 16-Jan-20 19:53:29

If they are trying to sort things out, I'd keep out of it as much as possible.

You can still listen to your daughter and give calm and impartial suggestions if she asks for them.

I hope things work out.

crazyH Thu 16-Jan-20 19:55:04

Hopefully Scientia, it's just a lover's tiff. But, if his criticism of her is a regular thing, some sort of action has to be taken ,by your daughter and not you. It's hard for us mothers to stay in the background, but that's what we must do. Be there for her and your GS. It will probably pass. Wish you and your family all the best

Yennifer Thu 16-Jan-20 20:03:53

He's very very critical of her, your husband doesn't like it but you think it's silly? If he is happy to be like that in front of you, how bad is it behind closed doors? x

Septimia Thu 16-Jan-20 20:03:59

Yes, just be there to give any support when it's needed. Listen to what your DD has to say but try to avoid giving opinions - let her bounce things off you so that she can reach her own conclusions.

Scentia Thu 16-Jan-20 20:14:45

I don’t think the criticism is silly, I said what they are rowing about is silly. I have never noticed the criticism much before until we spent the weekend with them.

GrannyLaine Thu 16-Jan-20 20:15:58

As previous posters have said, give her space, be kind and listen. Stay neutral no matter what. From past experience they will be back to normal in no time leaving you totally wound up about it!

Harris27 Thu 16-Jan-20 20:25:58

There’s nothing you can do but keep out of it and be there when needed. I’ve been there and it’s nearly killed me keeping my mouth shut but I’m glad I did.

Yennifer Thu 16-Jan-20 20:28:55

I think everyone else is right but also bolster your daughter and remind her how strong she is and if she asks tell her of course she will be amazing on her own x

ExD1938 Thu 16-Jan-20 20:47:15

I read your post twice but can't understand when you say she 'turned up on your doorstep' whether she turned up looking to stay with you, or just for a talk and advice.
A good response when someone is complaining about another person's behaviour is "and How does that make you feel" or "what do you think that means" - throw questions that ask you to take sides back at her.
Otherwise, when/if they kiss and make up you will be cast in the role of marriage wrecker for siding with her. We all know husbands can be controlling at times (or try to be) but its not a reason to end a marriage.
Give her a bed, listen to her but don't say a word against him, whatever you may feel about him. Please.

Scentia Thu 16-Jan-20 20:53:28

She turned up looking to stay. They are both [Dd & DGS] in bed now after a bath. I tried to not say anything against him as I am sure it will get sorted soon enough, but when she asked me what I thought of him last weekend I did say I thought he was a very critical of her and now I regret saying that as I am sure when it gets sorted she will tell him what I said. Oh well what’s said is said😩.

sodapop Thu 16-Jan-20 21:12:36

It's hard to see our adult children in these difficulties Yennifer but at 25 your daughter is an adult and needs to sort her own life out. You can listen and comfort but don't criticise and allow her to make her own decisions even if you don't agree. It was so much easier when they were little and we could kiss it all better.

Hetty58 Thu 16-Jan-20 21:13:53

It's good that she has somewhere to go. She might just need a break from him for a few days so let her sort things out.

ExD1938 Thu 16-Jan-20 21:14:23

My Mum once told me (when I was not long married) that she;d never trusted my DH because his eyes were too close together smile, and I made the mistake of telling him some time later.
He's never forgotten this, and although she died years ago he still brings it up at inappropriate (to my mind) moments. Try not to worry about what's done now, as you say - what's said is said.
You could perhaps advise her not to try too hard to please - some men take advantage (a but like Yasmeen in Corrie - if you watch it) of perceived weakness in a wife.

BlueBelle Thu 16-Jan-20 22:01:07

Look she wouldn’t have swallowed her pride and uprooted your grandchild and come to you unless she was in need of doing so I d bet a pound to a penny it’s more than a tiff so you ve done the right thing and given them a bath and a bed and you may need to extend your expectation of their staying time

gillybob Thu 16-Jan-20 22:11:03

I agree with BlueBelle . I think you have done the right thing Scentia. It must have taken a lot for her to turn up on your doorstep with your grandson, so I think it’s more than a “lovers tiff”. Hope tomorrow makes things a little clearer . Such a worry for you .

Flossieturner Thu 16-Jan-20 22:26:02

This has happened to me twice, with sons not daughters. I have just listened, reassured them that I will help in any way i can. I never said anything about my DiLs as. I was always aware that they might get back together.

With my eldest was glad that he was out of a dreadful relationship, but I am very sad about the youngest.

All you can do is give as much support as you can.

Yehbutnobut Thu 16-Jan-20 22:39:43

I’d get off GN and talk to her.

Scentia Thu 16-Jan-20 22:48:27

Thanks for your input, but she has been in bed since 8.00pm 😃

52bright Thu 16-Jan-20 23:18:27

This could go either way Scentia. It could be the start of ending the relationship or she/they could decide to give it another go. I would give as much support as possible. Lend a listening ear but be very careful, going forward, about what you say about him. If they do get back together you will remember all the ways she has told you he is awful to her but she will forget/retract and, as others have said, this could damage your relationship going forward. Also make sure you don't speak negatively about her husband in front of your little grandson. It will upset him and he could well repeat anything he hears at a later date with unlooked for consequences.
Good luck op it is sometimes difficult as a mother to grown up 'children' knowing what's best to say and do flowers

welbeck Fri 17-Jan-20 00:20:07

if he wants to be on his own, why has she left the house.
he should leave if he wants to be alone.
this could be a much more abusive situation than you realise.
she could contact womens aid for advice.
there may be legal implications if she leaves the house.
it may make asserting her rights more difficult.
big up her autonomy as an adult person, with an expectation of being treated with respect,
and that you will support her to make the best decisions for her and son.
she doesn't have to put up with a lifetime of being spoken down to, criticised, on the defensive, low-level aggression rumbling away, in her own home, with a controlling man.
co-ercive control is also abuse, and now recognised as a criminal offence.
you didn't notice it before, but your husband did; what else is going on ?

25Avalon Fri 17-Jan-20 10:34:45

Did your daughter get thrown out or did she leave of her own accord? The reason I ask is that if this should go to a divorce case then this will be very important as to the financial divide of assets. I think your d would be advised to get some legal help on this one.

Juliet27 Fri 17-Jan-20 10:39:00

If he said he doesn’t want to be with her any more then why wasn’t him who moved out?

Lesley60 Fri 17-Jan-20 10:42:06

I second exactly what Welbeck said