My DD has just turned up on our doorstep...

P.S. Oh no it's me again! Sorry!

People will quite probably think I have taken a rather serious and "heavy" view of the situation and that it may not warrant anything as bad as that. I sincerely hope it does not! My background has given me the knowledge that I feel I ought to pass on in case it it needed. Some of what I say - like don't get involved in petty arguments but just say a few neutral words, is relevant whatever the situation.

I am aware that this might be a "storm in a tea-cup". But my experience has taught me to give people the full first aid kit in case they need it, if you see what I mean. It's better to have the knowledge and not need to use it than to need help and not know what to do.

Thanks for putting up with me! Best wishes to anyone in this kind of painful situation.

tillybelle I think if I was in this situation I would be pleased to have all the info to think about.

Scentia.

About what you said;
Don't worry:
"I did say I thought he was a very critical of her and now I regret saying that as I am sure when it gets sorted she will tell him what I said."
You told the truth. If he ever comes to you and tries to start a row about it or is nasty to you over it, simply use the technique I mentioned earlier: Plus these... Don't argue. Don't explain. Don't apologise Don't discuss.
Use a few short words to cover it and repeat them every time he tries to talk about it: Maybe "I spoke the truth. I simply stated what I had observed." Ignore any personal remarks he makes or any attempts to argue or change the subject, e.g. to that it was none of your business. Simply repeat the two sentences or whatever it is you have decided to say.

Don't worry! You are a good person! You are doing fine! I do hope today has brought some positive feelings or at least that your daughter feels stronger.

luluaugust. Thanks. I have been heavily taken apart in the past when a rather serious situation was being covered and I advised, among many other things, on how to be safe if the need arose.
I appreciate you telling me what you think.

Scentia, you've seen first hand the critical way that Sil speaks to your daughter, browbeating her so she has to keep trying to defend herself.
You husband says that he has noticed the Sil has always been like this and that's why he doesn't like him.
You also say that she seems like a different person than the strong young woman she used to be.
Now your daughter has appeared at your door with her young son.
It seems to me that your daughter is being mentally abused, at the very least.
You say that you don't want to get involved but you are involved, your daughter just arrived on your doorstep with you grandson, so you're involved already.
Let your daughter know that you are 100% behind her and that she is welcome to stay with you as long as she wants to do.
I'm sorry to say but if the above description was about my daughter's life, I would be doing anything I could to keep her away from this man who is destroying her confidence and possibly her mental health.

As your daughter has asked what you thought of your son in law then maybe things haven't been right between them for a while and she was wanting reassurance that it wasn't just her thinking his criticism of was wrong but you need to be careful what you say because if she is in a controlling marriage and she does get back with her hubby, he may stop contact between you/DiL/GS if he doesnt like what you've said, hope it all works out for the best

Tillybelle

Thanks for all of that Information I sincerely hope I never have to use any of it.

Very good advice to stay neutral, but supportive. When similar happened to me, however, girlfriend of my son turned up in a right state after a huge fight, I did what you absolutely should not do and laid into him! Fortunately, it all worked out and they’re now fine. As he is with me. My big mouth does run away from my brain at times. Hopefully, it doesn’t happen again. But if does, this time I will remain calm!

As someone who did exactly what your daughter has done, I would be as sympathetic and calm as possible; accommodate her and her son over the weekend if possible, encourage her to talk, listen to her but try to avoid offering any advice at this stage. Your daughter sounds exhausted and in need of a refuge or simply a break; she is contact with her husband so matters may resolve themselves over the weekend. She does need to check on access to her home and possessions, (locks can be changed) perhaps her father could accompany her while she does this, and on joint bank accounts etc.
Depending on what transpires over the weekend, if matters are not resolved she needs to get legal advice about her position and options.
A very unhappy situation, but try to be as non-committal as possible at the moment and encourage her to come to her own conclusions about what she needs to do.

Thanks so much for all the advice I had. I did manage to keep my opinions to myself throughout the morning. She has returned home after a phone call this lunchtime. (She is quite a nasty girl herself when I was listening with a neutral heart?)
I do think that it will be ok but I have sent her home with a promise that I will always be there for her and a promise from her that she will try to stick up for herself if he is being unnecessarily critical, preferably without the nasty edge she presented this morning.
I will let her know about some of the things Tillybelle said so she is keeping control more.

What a cold hearted view of your “DD’s” unenviable’s position. How about “ my poor daughter had had to leave her abusive husband for the sake of herself and my grandchild and I’m whole heartedly supporting them.” You want sympathy and advice? I feel sorry for your poor daughter coming to live with you.

It does sound more than a minor tiff and your daughter may have some serious thinking to do. If her character has changed because of her husband's criticisms and behaviour, she is probably suffering abuse ( not necessarily anything physical) and should consider counseling and finding a way to address the situation with her husband. If she stays with him out of habit or in a spirit of resignation, I doubt she'll be happy.
You can't tell her what to do but can support her to make sure she feels in control and makes the right decision.
I'm sure you'll be a fantastic support to her and your grandson whatever she decides.

I agree with Juliet27 Fri 17-Jan-20 10:39:00

Welbeck above is wise. As her mom, no matter how hard you try, you are biased. She is an adult, wife and mother. Tell her you have faith in her ability to work this thru with her husband then support her resolution. No warm bath or cozy bed, she can face her realities at home. The only exception is if you truly believe she or her child is in immediate danger. Then, call the police.

I ‘love’ the last 4 comments, typical MN/GN comments to a thread they haven’t read!

No more comments are needed!

I think you being there for her, is the best thing, if he is as critical as your DH says, then that's not a good environment for your DD or grandchildren X

When life is hard we all instinctively seek the comfort of being with those that love us. Perhaps she just need your presence and gentle guidance whilst she finds her own solution.

Have just read Tillybelle's input which I thought was very well based (she writes with professional experience) and gave a balanced view with some helpful advice.

However, I would be less than happy to think that my daughter was being bullied on a daily basis and may struggle to keep my views to myself but I appreciate that may not (initially, anyway) be the way to react. Tillybelle's advice is probably spot on.