Please can I have neighbour advice

I am afraid to say we have a neighbour like yours. We told her that if she needed anything from the shops, we go once a week and happy to help out during this pandemic. She lives on her own and is about 5/6 years older then my husband who is 70.

The first problem we incurred was payment, she wanted to pay via cheque; she didn't know how to do online banking. Cheques are difficult for obvious reasons so she decided to pay us cash. This made me suspicious because we live in a village 5 miles from any cash machine, bank and supermarket.
Anyway we did the shopping, no cash or cheque. The next week came same situation, shopping list got longer, but no means of paying. When she turned up for collection she said she must pay our bill. She took out the cash, and lots of other cheques to the value of £100, which she admitted she owned our other kind hearted neighbours. I decided enough was enough; but my DH would never confront her.
I gently told her that if she needed this level of support there are a number of organisations that can help as we are not in the position to do it. I gave her the numbers of our 'village friendly support group' and 'help the aged'. I explained that these people not only do shopping but help with transport, medical collections and are even available for a chat. The team of volunteers are trained and have methods in place to support her needs.

We have not seen her now for two weeks but see her family and villagers coming and going so she is getting the support she needs.
I felt guilty as I thought I was not being not being a good neighbour. However I have learnt the difference between being supportive and put upon . I am being supportive because it is much better for her long term needs to be put on a more permanent footing then having the worry of asking neighbours, who can only provide the occasional help

We have let her know that we are still there if she needs us.

well done for having been such a good neighbour. A card through the door explaining that because of your health issues you can no longer help with shopping should suffice. Be firm - do not answer if she knocks or if you do have to speak cut it short. they haven't done anything wrong but probably don't understand how debilitating ME can be. They could get a taxi to the shops or get relatives to help. You obviously feel run down and need to step back. Good luck.

The thing is if she has children living near or far she can get a supermarket to deliver directly to them. My very elderly aunt had her granddaughter do this for her. She lived miles away. She gave them her card details and they used that for payment. Say your doctor has told you that you must rest and not do anything you don’t have too. So ask them to get their family to order their shopping so it is delivered to them. I had a similar problem and found that if I suggested something like that it was met with an apparent lack of understanding. You don’t want this stress so be firm. It is on doctors orders!

Enough 's enough. Contact Age Concern and advise of the situation with your neighbours. They are not your responsibilty.

Sorry about the “too”. I am not really illiterate!

I would say in my note to them that you have spoken to your Specialist and been advised to cut down on your activities and so sorry you can no longer help.

You gave been given a lot of really good advice here. Please look after yourself. Your health comes first. Their family will have to step up now as they should have 18 months ago. Sending positive thoughts to you x

I agree with Opsy....It is difficult if you arent keen on confrontation...I'm the same but have a practice out loud what you need to say ...be polite but assertive .......This will make you more Ill....Think of your own self worth.Sounds like you need just as much help....

Let us know how you get on.

I haven’t read all the responses so apologies if this has already been suggested. Every time they request your help could you say let’s phone your daughter/son. Every single time. Leave messages if necessary saying what they want so you move the responsibility onto them directly. Do not apologise, do not explain. They are choosing the easy option and the children are happy to let you continue and ignore what they know is their responsibility.

A "Please do not disturb" sign on your door might help.

I’m 44 and not a Granny ( although about to become a step Granny!) I love this page, much more friendly than others with similar names ?

I too have an “ invisible illness” and have had friends etc tell me that as I have so much time in my hands, I must be able to help them with their kids / errands / housework etc, errrr..... no!

I wonder if it might help you to say that your doctor or specialist nurse has said that you need to take things easier and so, now that they are able to get to the shops, you’re no longer able to help. Any excuses they come up with, just keep saying “I’m sorry, that really doesn’t work for me and I need to put myself first” maybe they will realise they’ve been asking too much (although, maybe not!)

Best of luck x

If you go online, and look at your local council, they should have a link to the local support service for your area (they were set up over the Covid period for everyone), you could then pass the details on to your neighbours. If you are like me and hate confrontations and find 'no' a difficult word to say, you could even write a little card saying t h at due to your own poor health y o u are no longer able to support them but that this group will help them if they need help. Then hide for a few days (I know you shouldn't have to but it may be easier).

MelBB

Great advice.
GillT57, ohh that sounds intense. ?
I feel very guilty as my family feel sorry for them and one or two think differently. I've just received a final shopping list and kind letter back saying thabk you, they understand and they have a son on hand. Also, that I can ask if I need anything. I feel??

That's lovely. So pleased it's all worked out well for you.
Take care.

I would put a card through their letterbox, saying that they won't see you around for a few days as you have been diagnosed with a virus. Lie low, then let them know that you now have post viral syndrome, and the doctor has ordered you to do as little as possible, so you won't be able to help them for the foreseeable future. Underhand, but gentle. Meanwhile, they will hopefully have found their way ahead without your help.

Clearly you resent helping them Why do you keep mentioning their money ? Stop helping and get on with your own life

MelBB

Well, I've posted the letter through the door (on beautiful owl paper) and explained that I cannot do the shop after this week because I need to convalesce and reduce what I do because of my health. I kept it short and sweet. I've unplugged my phone and will wedge the gate as I really need to rest today and catch up on some chores. Thank you everyone for giving me the courage to do this. It's helped me to see that I'm not responsible for them, especially now lockdown is over, and that their family needs to step up or they need to get help. As said by many of you, my health is important and by them disregarding my needs it is unfair on me. And the last thing I want or need is to be tied for x many years, and expectations to possibly increase when I'm not able. I've loved having your advice and finding such pleasantry and support, thank you. ?

The very kind op has sorted things xxx

MelBB

Great advice.
GillT57, ohh that sounds intense. ?
I feel very guilty as my family feel sorry for them and one or two think differently. I've just received a final shopping list and kind letter back saying thabk you, they understand and they have a son on hand. Also, that I can ask if I need anything. I feel??

Great to have it sorted xxx

I have had ME for 15 years. The only time people see me is when I am having an ok day - not a good day, they don't happen - but an ok day. I've learned to say no. If you don't do the same, any energy you have will be taken up by the activities expected of you and the stress of worrying when the requests will happen. Tell your neighbours no, you aren't able to. No. Get a do not disturb sign. Don't give them notice - it isn't a job. Just say no, not no, sorry, just no. Suggest they call their family if you wish but I'd be inclined to tell them you are no longer available due to ill health and doctor's recommendations and leave it at that. If they come back, just say no again. They will get the message. You need to be selfish for your own health's sake. Its not easy for people like us who like to help but can't but it is necessary. Just say no. Good luck.

That’s good news MelBB I’m sorry I was concerned for you and rushed to make a suggestion. It is good to hear you managed to sort your problem out. Do not feel heartbroken you’ve been helping them a great deal and need time to help yourself now.

For goodness sake. I should have read through the whole thing - though I do stand by my advice I am glad it has all worked out for you. x

sazz1

This is why I don't get too friendly with the neighbours. I will always take in parcels for them and we're there for emergencies like when their drain blocked (OH unblocked it for them) but that's it. If we see them outside we have a quick chat but don't invite them in.
My MIL leaned very heavily on her neighbours even though we visited every few days and I think they were resentful.
Just tell her you can't help anymore with her shopping. She could ring her daughter with her shopping list and daughter could do an online shop for her. And don't answer the door if you don't want to see her. She will get fed up of coming round and getting no answer eventually. You have to be firm or it will continue.

I'm in complete agreement with this, in fact when I first moved into my own home, it was one of the best pieces of advice I was given.
I'm always polite and friendly and will certainly help in any emergency situation but have seen and heard of so many issues over the years that I prefer to keep my distance.

I totally understand your situation.
Its funny how some people don't consider the other person and just increase their requirements of you.
When I moved 6 years ago... One of the first things I did was to put up a clear note on my front door. 'Do Not Knock'.
I am not disturbed by anyone at all. If a friend is to visit they ring upon arrival or text.
In my 20's I was a slave to my front door... not anymore... So liberating.

The other neighbours who now ignore them have possibly been through what you are going through. By all means do what you feel able to do, but when you feel unwell make that abundantly clear to the neighbours. During the initial lockdown I walked a small dog 3 times a day for a shielding neighbour who gave me wine, plants, a bird bath etc for doing this then gradually the gifts tailed (pardon the pun) off. I stopped the day I overheard her refer to me as the dog walker rather than her friendly neighbour or even by my name.

I fully appreciate how you feel. We shopped for two lots of friends over both lockdowns and have now been dropped like a stone, not even an invitation for a cuppa! Think must have MUGS tattooed on our foreheads!

Maybe print off telephone numbers of voluteer services in the area and attach it to the card. Be sure to let them know in the card that although you are young you are extremely unwell and need to rest every day.
I have worked with the older generation. Unfortunately they do become quite self absorbed and ignore what you have to say and carry on regardless. You have to be quite firm but do NOT feel guilty as they have family who could have done their online shopping for them. Shame on their family putting on you.