Please can I have neighbour advice

Your health and well being come first. Well done sending the letter. Don't offer to help in emergencies as others have said there are services for helping age concern etc.

Good luck do hope the summer gets better and your condition improves.

I am almost 64 with suspected MS. Fybromyalgia is also on my record. I experience a lot of problems with my mental health and seem unable to take much pressure any more. I have dealt with a lot through my life. Also under active thyroid. Most recently a growth in my small bowel is needing removed and I have fear of cancer. I live alone. You need to withdraw from this but you know that. Let the family pick it up. In my area we have a charity called Food Train who would shop for the over 65's for about £2. If you want to be extra helpful you could check this out with social services. There is maybe a booklet you could pass them with a list of providers x

I know it sounds weird but sometimes thes people start to think they are doing you a favour. "I must ring xx because she likes going shopping for me"

You just need to tell her nicely, that your not well and you can't cope anymore. Suggest they get a family member to help or pay someone from outside.

These are give them an inch and they take an ell people. You need someone to help you, and yet these people are draining you. Its not on. They have adult children - for whom they are saving money... so said offspring can jolly well get off their asses and help the aged parents. They tale you for granted, but you are not their maid. Get in touch with your local council / church / ladies' circle. The fact that they trust you blindly is not a reason for you to be so giving. No, you are not, not not selfish. They are limpets. Tell them what you are prepared to do, and what not. Learn how to say "I'm sorry, but I am feeling tired / wretched / ill, I have to go and lie down now."

How would you feel about contacting Social Services and telling them that you are concerned for the well-being of your elderly neighbours who keep asking you for help and are becoming a little 'forgetful' about how they handle their finances.

Explain that they have relatives who don't live local, but that you are personally unable to continue to assist them.

If Social Services contact their daughter, she'll soon 'shift her backside'!

I think you’ll find the OP has already sent a letter to her neighbours! I think it was on page 3. This is the problem with long threads, members go to the most recent replies without reading the whole thread. Just saying...

OP, I was diagnosed with ME 30 years ago so I feel your pain. You need to look after yourself.

Just a point of safety, be very careful writing the amount, date etc on your neighbours cheques, don't leave yourself open to being accused of taking their money. I'm not suggesting you are, but you need to protect yourself.

If your neighbour has adult children perhaps they can have financial POA, and have access to their online banking. They can then do their online shopping from your neighbour's account.

I live abroad and my friend (also abroad) has done all her mum's online shopping and her mum lives in the UK.

Just a thought - but you could tell a white lie and say you broadband is not connecting, just make sure you cannot be seen on a device.

have you tried contacting the sibling that lives the closest ?. or you could involve social/volunteer care. or write her a letter saying that you are often unwell and set a time and day for shopping .or you have to be firm and say NO I CANT .

OP said pretty early on this thread that this elderly couple not only have her doing their online shopping but they do go out shopping as well.

Now lockdown is pretty much over, there's no reason whatsoever for them to not be able to do their own shopping.

I understand about the OP having a debilitating illness, I myself have MS, I live alone and my neighbours all know how it affects me but I've had no help whatsoever over the past 14 months. My weekly groceries aren't enough to be able to use online shopping so I've had to go out and get my own all through the pandemic.

The OP has been very generous to her neighbours but nows the time for her to stop and put herself first.

Thank you everyone. I've read every post and am grateful to you for your advice and concern for my health. My neighbours were understanding and say that they have their son (who is not far).

Can I just defend myself to the one poster who asked why I was mentioning money, I clearly resented helping and get on with my life :

For the most part, I didn't resent helping and found it very dignifying to be able to gelp someone, when I am very vulnerable and limited in what I can do.

What I find hard to reconcile is that I have paid for my home help and it is they who have told me tid bits about money. I'm afraid that I now feel that they ought to pay for help, as I did, or ask family. Not only on principle, but because there are times where seeing them becomes intense and suffocating. This doesn't help my mental and physical health because I need to withdraw and rest a lot, just to survive myself. Not that I have to explain, but I felt that tge comment was uncalled for.

On saying this, everyone else was so kind and although I can't reply personally to everyone, I do indeed feel for those of you who also suffer ill health and also with those who have experienced neighbour issues, however minor. It can become really tough and like living in a goldfish bowl - especially in a cul-de-sac like here!

Thanks all - I admire the clear sight and courage of so many of you. xxx

OP
You don't need to justify yourself

Your health situation has nothing to do with this- your neighbours overextended their welcome.

Thank you. ?

I think you're being far too nice and they are taking advantage, probably not deliberately, but nonetheless they are, boundaries are difficult to put in place but there are some good suggestions on the thread, my advice would be put in the boundaries and stick to them. I don't mind giving my neighbours an egg or helping them out if they are looking for their cat or something, but doing the shopping is a bit much!

Thank you. I am too friendly and need to assert my boundaries better, which thanks to great advice here, I have been able to do! ?

I am so glad you have stopped.

My friend with two young adult children at home started helping her 80+ neighbour and it became ridiculous. If she was out in the either the front or back garden doing her hedge, her neighbour would call over and ask her to 'give hers a trim' - my friend was also looking after her widowed Dad, both house and garden, an hour's drive away, and exhausted to the point where she fell asleep at the wheel and had a crash. The neighbour knew this but still asked my friend to take her to the doctors, the hairdressers, the shops, do her hedge - she was selfishly using her as an unpaid Home Help. My friend finally spoke up when she had to take her to A&E at midnight one evening as she'd fallen, and the 50+ son refused to come to the hospital. He did eventually come, and she stated in no uncertain terms that she was no longer able to offer assistance of any kind and the son, who lives less than two miles away, had to step up to the plate. I live in the road now and sometimes see a very grumpy looking man in the front garden, he's not caring for his mother willingly. Some people's kids will allow others to run themselves ragged over their parents, it's appalling.

Shandy57

I am so glad you have stopped.

My friend with two young adult children at home started helping her 80+ neighbour and it became ridiculous. If she was out in the either the front or back garden doing her hedge, her neighbour would call over and ask her to 'give hers a trim' - my friend was also looking after her widowed Dad, both house and garden, an hour's drive away, and exhausted to the point where she fell asleep at the wheel and had a crash. The neighbour knew this but still asked my friend to take her to the doctors, the hairdressers, the shops, do her hedge - she was selfishly using her as an unpaid Home Help. My friend finally spoke up when she had to take her to A&E at midnight one evening as she'd fallen, and the 50+ son refused to come to the hospital. He did eventually come, and she stated in no uncertain terms that she was no longer able to offer assistance of any kind and the son, who lives less than two miles away, had to step up to the plate. I live in the road now and sometimes see a very grumpy looking man in the front garden, he's not caring for his mother willingly. Some people's kids will allow others to run themselves ragged over their parents, it's appalling.

Wow! That was a lot to ask of someone. It's not been that bad for me, but I do worry about their advancing age, ill health, that DD has my phone number so call me up (this happened a couple of times already) amd that I seem to get seen and roped into long episodes of monologues. I listen and nod a lot! ?Thankfully, they are actually pleasant and understand that I can't continue, but I do think that home help could be a wonderful thing for them and remove some of their burdens.

I'm so sorry to hear about your friend's crash, I hope they are okay and am glad they spoke up because it isn't easy and sounds like they had enough on their plate already!

Yes, I think it's over to the 'kids' now. It has been known that the couple manage to do more than me! ?

I really sympathise , my neighbour developed dementia! Would knock on my door 20 times a day ! I helped with checking her heating taking her to hospital appointments. It transpired she was nearly blind . Contacted her GP . Social services in spite of my own up coming operations ! Took 3 months to get official help . I was asked to keep an eye on her , as she had no relatives , I was asked to do her shopping told social services I cannot do my own . After a year of neighbours banging on my door when she was wandering , I helped to find a home for her . She passed away soon after . I gave the funeral directors my details and they thanked me . Time went by , do I phoned the funeral directors . To be told “O the funeral was months ago , her family were found “! It was a private affair , I replied what relatives ?? Social services soon found some to help with fees for the home ! I was annoyed and upset ?. Never again I thought. Then the next door neighbour fell down the stairs one night , I could hear her shouting.ambulance never turned up !! Someone said “could I keep an eye on her in the future ? I could not believe it , an unpaid social worker and nurse . I was also working part time and am disabled. So in future I am keeping my self to my self lol

Get that 'Do Not Disturb' notice for your door. You can get them on line (or print one off for yourself.)

Teddy5005

I really sympathise , my neighbour developed dementia! Would knock on my door 20 times a day ! I helped with checking her heating taking her to hospital appointments. It transpired she was nearly blind . Contacted her GP . Social services in spite of my own up coming operations ! Took 3 months to get official help . I was asked to keep an eye on her , as she had no relatives , I was asked to do her shopping told social services I cannot do my own . After a year of neighbours banging on my door when she was wandering , I helped to find a home for her . She passed away soon after . I gave the funeral directors my details and they thanked me . Time went by , do I phoned the funeral directors . To be told “O the funeral was months ago , her family were found “! It was a private affair , I replied what relatives ?? Social services soon found some to help with fees for the home ! I was annoyed and upset ?. Never again I thought. Then the next door neighbour fell down the stairs one night , I could hear her shouting.ambulance never turned up !! Someone said “could I keep an eye on her in the future ? I could not believe it , an unpaid social worker and nurse . I was also working part time and am disabled. So in future I am keeping my self to my self lol

My goodness, it sounds like you were her guardian angel, albeit at a great cost because it's hard coping with a disability let alone not knowing when the door will knock.

Yes I completely get you about the shopping; I do all mine online and it takes a long time, many changes (that's another story!) so I actually feel better knowing that others seem to have more insight than I did about my needs and steered me in the right direction.

I don't blame you for keeping yourself to yourself - there appears to be a societal breakdown in that where once there were multi-generation households and women tended to not have careers, this somewhat filled the need for carers. Now we're faced with high living costs, more women work and then there are difficulties in qualifying for care, so there's a big gap there. Who fills it? Whilst it's nice to have good neighbours, it certainly is a learning curve as to how much to get involved. Especially when there are other options. I think the number of experiences expressed on this thread somewhat shows how much of an issue it is in modern society. And how tricky it can be defining the boundaries with neighbours, too. Thank you for sharing!

I don't agree the adult children have to take over OP unless the neighbours do not have the mental capacity to take care of that themselves.

They seem to be of their sound mind - just cheap.
I wonder if their adult children already went through this and gave up.

Hithere

I don't agree the adult children have to take over OP unless the neighbours do not have the mental capacity to take care of that themselves.

They seem to be of their sound mind - just cheap.
I wonder if their adult children already went through this and gave up.

Oh definitely of sound mind!! One family member lives far away, one nearby and the other, I'm not sure. If there was any concern about mental capacity, I'd definitely mention it to the DD or our local authority.

I was put off helping any neighbour twenty years ago when I lived in London. A lovely neighbour opposite, who worked part time as a nurse, did everything she could for an old couple next door to her. When the wife died she did even more for the widowed husband, washing/shopping/cooking, sadly she found him dead a few months later. During these years none of the family had ever visited or helped, but they all appeared for the funeral. She didn't receive any thanks or acknowledgement for supporting their great grandad, but they did accuse her of stealing cash from his 'underwear drawer'.

My mother, 150 miles away, had new 'young' neighbours - who offered help.

It seems that she took that literally, as, we were horrified to discover, the wife popped round early every morning - to put Mum's shoes on!