Paying for adult children and family to visit

I would not have a problem with paying for flights and accommodation, we did that for DD when she went to help her aunt when her uncle died in another country. I also covered the travel when DD had to return to the UK when her dad was dying.
I would not finance holidays especially if I was the host.
DH and I always had separate bank accounts and never had any disagreement about money in our 54 years of marriage.

I would tell them things were a bit tight this year and could you visit them and they reciprocating all the things you have paid for over the years, as the saying goes"They have seen you coming".

Surely they must realise that two older people can’t continue to finance flights and all expenses for 5. It’s completely unreasonable and rather selfish.
Your dh should tell them you are having to budget fir retirement and can no longer manage this extra expense.
Feeding 5 extra people is more than enough quite honestly.

Lucy125

Nataterturbi-my children would never expect us to pay for their trips. They’re in their 30’s and we’re raised to pay for their vacations or if they don’t have the money they wait until the can afford it. In this case with his daughter I feel taken advantage of for our generosity and it appears there’s no limit to the expectation for more and more.

I suppose the differences are to your children's expectations and his - down to how they were raised. Can't change that now.

Perhaps each of you have a set amount to spend on anything desired- he spends on his children and you spend your sum on you?

If your step-daughter is as entitled as she behaves, there can only be one reason for it and that is that your DH has allowed her to become so. It is up to him with your support to draw a line under her behaviour.

With retirement pending, he has a good reason to say to her, 'once I retire I can no longer afford to pay for your visits. Perhaps in the future we can come and stay with you?' He should not discuss his retirement income with her or barter with her. Quietly present her with a fait accompli and say no more. If she wants to throw a tantrum let her.

One of two things will happen, you will discover that all her affection for her father is based on cupboard love and you do not see her, or she will find the money and visit or have you as guests..

Who is insisting on paying?
1. The daughter and family or they dont visit
2. Op's husband?

I understand providing food and entertainment for them and even helping with the airfare - but they should bring their own clothes. Or bring them once and leave them in a spare cupboard at yours to be used every time they come.

agree with other GN's, that you and your OH need to discuss allocation of funds

This issue needs to be addressed in the broader context of a talk with your husband about his and your expectations of retirement.

What you both, or the one or other of you want to do when you retire and most importantly what your finances are going to be.

Now is also the time to discuss whether you intend to remain in your present home, or downsize, and whether either of you , or both of you wants to travel and see more of the world before you become too old to enjoy doing so.

At some point you can then introduce the subject of whether you and your husband still can be so generous regarding the "children's" visits.

But don't lead with their visits and who pays for them, as it sounds like an emotional minefield to me.

Something seems terribly unfair here - and issues are all across the board.

I don’t know. If you are the non-biological mother (a step-mom for 20 yrs) that could be the sticking point. If you were their mother it wouldn’t matter a bit, then, would it?

My personal belief is if this adult (dau) couple has dual incomes there should be a compromise for these twice a year visits.

Kids have their way with soft-hearted parents in manipulating guilt, sorry to say. Dad here has been worked over so many times that there doesn’t seem to be any room for compromise now.

Air fare and in-house food - yes to that - but they must bring their own clothes and personal effects. (My rule!)
Period!
USA Gundy

Hithere

Who is insisting on paying?
1. The daughter and family or they dont visit
2. Op's husband?

Very pertinent questions Hithere

41Callistemon21 A lot of aurlines charge for hold luggage and the cost can vary according to weight.

grandtanteJE65

This issue needs to be addressed in the broader context of a talk with your husband about his and your expectations of retirement.

What you both, or the one or other of you want to do when you retire and most importantly what your finances are going to be.

Now is also the time to discuss whether you intend to remain in your present home, or downsize, and whether either of you , or both of you wants to travel and see more of the world before you become too old to enjoy doing so.

At some point you can then introduce the subject of whether you and your husband still can be so generous regarding the "children's" visits.

But don't lead with their visits and who pays for them, as it sounds like an emotional minefield to me.

Included in finances could be how each intends to spend their 'fair share' of all savings and incomings. Assuming all couples have ways to divide assets and incomes to suit themselves - do that.

I certainly don't spend on my husband's hobbies, he surely doesn't spend on my hair, we each have pots of disposable money.

Tell her it's a choice of either free holidays or inheritance. Can't have both! That'll make her think.

It strikes me that VioletSky had the right idea.
I am also a stepmother of 3 adult children and step grandma to 6 children. My husband is able to spend what he likes on his children if he sees fit and I feel able to pay out for my children if I see fit as long as it doesn't leave us struggling as a couple. I know he feels very guilty that he wasn't there for their teenage years after their mother took them 200 miles away.

We do, however, have an agreement about Birthday and Christmas presents where we pay a certain amount so that it is fair. Our youngest son is a little more spoiled but that is because the others had many good years of expensive presents before we cut back and he is just starting out so we help him with travelling expenses for job interviews and occasional food parcels just like we did with his older brother when he was at Uni. Beyond that, I don't see why I should explain my spending to him if I don't want to and I wouldn't expect him to talk to me. We do but there is no expectation.

I think the bottom line for us is that all our children (and grandchildren) are treated fairly but also with a "genuine need" clause if they are going through a particularly bad time. On that basis in my humble opinion, is that your husband may be making a mistake and inadvertently alienating your stepdaughter from her siblings if he is treating her differently.

I cannot comprehend how anyone would expect their parent to pay for their visits.

Might be a hidden agenda. Do they feel it’s “ his” home. Did you replace the mother in their family home? Seems like they are claiming priority placement. My stepson is ludicrously well paid but has NEVER even bought a round of drinks when he visits. He came to see us recently, turns out he wanted some of his inheritance in advance! This guy never even sent his half-sister a card when she got married.

icanhandthemback I think the bottom line for us is that all our children (and grandchildren) are treated fairly but also with a "genuine need" clause if they are going through a particularly bad time. On that basis in my humble opinion, is that your husband may be making a mistake and inadvertently alienating your stepdaughter from her siblings if he is treating her differently.

I agree, we treat ours the same.

However, H only has the one child, no siblings I saw in OP's posts.

He has two other children that pay their own way. This is his oldest daughter from another relationship.

Norah there are three adult children on Lucy's* husband's side of the family.

V3ra

^He has two other children that pay their own way. This is his oldest daughter from another relationship.^

Norah there are three adult children on Lucy's* husband's side of the family.

The other 2 seemed her children. Could be wrong, of course.

My DF and his wife lived in Spain for many years but when we visited them I decided I’d rather stay in a hotel near them. My father wasn’t too happy but tough that’s what I wanted. I wouldn’t have dreamt of asking for airfare from him nor clothes, toiletries etc we always paid our own way including treating them to a meal. We only went for long weekends as that was enough for me. We haven’t got endless pots of money either but I did my duty and at least saw my Dad. We used to email as well in between visits. It sounds like your step daughter is absolutely taking the Micky to be honest. My DB lived in the States until he sadly passed away in January this year and even visiting him we obviously paid for our own fare. We did stay with him but always bought food and a meal out. We spoke on the phone though for hours on Viber each week as it was free. I’d suggest she uses Facebook and Viber to keep in touch more often with you and her DF and cut the visits down to once a year and mention how expensive is getting now and if they want to visit they will have to put their hands in their pocket towards the cost! Also it’s not really fair to pay for one family to visit but not your other children. My DF always said once he moved to Spain he found he suddenly had friends he didn’t have before when living in the UK. I would bring up the fact ‘why should she be treated differently to the other children’ if I were you?

If they do not bring clothing then surely there is enough clothing already at your house from previous trips.

This is why I would never have a joint account. Each should be allowed to spend their money on whatever they choose.

I'm confused! You buy them clothes? What happens to those clothes then? If they take them home, who pays for them to go into the hold? If they don't take them home, then surely you'd keep them ready for next time they visit.

Keep your finances separate is my advice.
Stop that joint account now.
Those dollar fares must be interstate, surely.
There is no way a family of 5 could expect 4 holidays halfway across the world to be paid for by her DF
How come they have so many vacations?
My DC have 4 weeks a year (possibly 5) and can only afford one proper holiday per year.

PS Where's the OP gone?

OurKid1

I'm confused! You buy them clothes? What happens to those clothes then? If they take them home, who pays for them to go into the hold? If they don't take them home, then surely you'd keep them ready for next time they visit.

well spotted!!!