“You’re here to help not to have cuddles”

I’m very tactile with the baby whereas dil is a new mum and process driven led by what she’s read on internet or seen from own mum. It feels to me that she wants her guidelines to be followed to the letter. No deviation from what she has said. There’s no room for any other suggestions.

I think that's like any new parent.
New guidelines are put in place all the time, even things I was was advised to do with my now teenager weren't advised with my now toddler son.
It sounds like you're a great help with practical things but parenting is really down to them and what they think is best.

Maybe OP has given a few unasked for opinions, as this bit stood out for me and her son is getting a heads up to follow their parenting style.

Good post March but I don't see what saying you can't wait to cuddle the baby has to do with it .

"Doesn't mean they're going wrench the little mite of their parents arms, wake them up just to satisfy their need or sit down and expect to be waited on with cups of tea."

I have seen it happened.

Happen, autocorrect!

I think that comment was incredibly rude. I’d go and cut my nose off to spite my face. Help out. Be very attentive to this precious newbie mum. Only peep at the baby and say ‘oh isn’t he/she darling’ and make absolutely no effort to want/initiate a cuddle. Then ‘bye’ from me and ‘hope to see you soon’ (when you’ve discovered your manners new parents). They’ll be asking you to make an appointment next. You’ll be walking on eggshells. I wouldn’t want to play those games. Ye gods.

True Smiles, maybe OP being 'tactile' means she's a cuddler and the parents are more of a 'putting them down to settle'.

Maybe son is struggling/tierd and came off a bit short.

The whole situation doesn't sound unfixable, just follow their parenting style rather than giving 'suggestions'.

Smileless2012

Maybe if they expect NewNana just to help and not have any cuddles, they should pay her MadeInYorkshire.

Exactly, lol ....

I wouldn't want to play them either Urmstongran, they could go on for years couldn't they.

Never seen it happen Hithere. I've have heard of it but only on GN which is why I wouldn't tar all GP's with the same brush.

Way back when I was a new mum, I was given opposing pieces of advice even from GP and midwife, but it seems even more of a minefield these days. So glad my grandchildren are young adults now, not that their mums were tricky like today’s are.
Tread carefully, OP.

Tried to delete my comment as it was not aimed at childcare especially

Can we not stoke up OPs resentment towards a new mum who is probably tying herself in knots trying to be the perfect (by todays guidelines) parent for OPs grandson? OP, your son snd dil are taking this responsibility incredibly seriously, that's a good thing. They will learn in their own time that perfect isn't possible, in the meantime it's unkind to mock them, and it won't endear you to them at all. Just tell them they're doing a good job? Maybe allow yourself to be a bit vulnerable with them, share that you had your own fears as a new mum, and how all you wanted was to do the best for your kids, based on what you knew then? And leave it there.

All this advice about pulling your son up for rudeness, asking to be paid etc - this is bad advice and will set you on a path to estrangement. Pride comes before a fall.

Does no-one remember how much conflicting advice was thrown at us when our children were babies? And how we had to explain why. we were doing what we were doing and how we cringed when an mil or other relative did something we didn't approve of?
At least today's parents have the strength and the ability to speak out and set the rules they want. The baby isn't yours, and no matter how much you dislike the rules you have to stick to them. If you do so you will build trust and will be allowed to look after your GC alone as they grow. You can then break the rules a bit. (But be warned once they can talk they will loudly declare any infringement to their parents- "Granny let me... gave me.... etc.

OP I've just read your last thread about your son spending his 1st father's day in France as that's where his inlaws live?
Is your DIL French?
Is that he ment by using the right words?

All this advice about pulling your son up for rudeness, asking to be paid etc - this is bad advice and will set you on a path to estrangement.

Pride comes before a fall..

Agreed, good advice.

Sometimes, when I read threads like this one, I am glad that I'm not a grandparent nor ever likely to be. So much pussyfooting around! I just couldn't be doing with it.

I seem to remember, as a very new parent, being grateful for the visiting relatives who made me a coffee or did the washing up and, if they chucked in some unasked-for advice, then I'd smile, shrug, make a non-commital noise and carry on doing things my way. They were welcome to a cuddle, too. Whyever not?

Maybe it's a result of too much social media and not enough real socialising but common sense and common courtesy seem too often these days to be missing from human interaction.

When my Mum comes to visit, she says hello, asks me how I am, tells me about her day and asks if I want her to hold my baby if I haven’t already offered a cuddle.

When my MIL comes to visit the first thing out of her mouth is literally “gimmie, gimmie, gimmie!” and she’s snatching for the baby. Now I know she would describe this as being enthusiastic and loving, but to me it’s grating and offputting.

Not suggesting you are being this blunt, but words do matter, and what may seem innocuous to you may not be perceived that way to your DIL. Your son is trying to help, maybe a chat to him about what the right words are, and some clarification about what exactly is causing friction could help you. Try to respond without defensiveness, as I’m sure you haven’t done anything deliberately malicious and he will know that.

aggie

The right words ! That rings a bell with me !
Modern (?) thinking is not to use baby words , but speak clearly and correctly

how we had to explain why we were doing what we were doing and how we cringed when an mil or other relative did something we didn't approve

No I was happy with any help my mum and dad gave and my mum in law never gave me any problems at all, I knew they were much more experienced than me and was happy to have advice and support whether I continued using it or not was then up to me
I think it’s horrible to be so formal that you have to ask permission to say or do anything with a baby now I can understand that with a stranger or someone you don’t know well ……but a grandchild ….wow

The point of this post centres on the words:
"you are here to help, not to give cuddles."
Incredibly rude. Would you speak to the hired help like this? The grandparents were preparing for a visit; no oh how nice to see you, look at our beautiful baby; simply :
you are here to help.
I gather from GN that there are plenty of officious young parents telling their parents what to do, while expecting help and free childcare without question. I have only seen it once with one daughter and mother I know well, but she always treated her mother as dirt from childhood and still expects her to run round her now. The mother in her turn was faintly contemptuous of her mother because of her lack of education, You can behave like that with a paid nanny; they can always leave and frequently do; no-one has to put up with it unless they love the child, which is the case here.

It sounds as though the OP is doing a great deal to help; it doesn't sound as though she is interfering; it also sounds as though things are not going well with baby by 'following a process'. Best to step aside for a time without any acrimony, and leave them to cope.

I know everyone’s circumstances are different but this hasn’t been my experience at all with with either my D or DIL .
I have no particular desire to as Glorianny suggests “ be allowed to look after GC alone”
I enjoy helping out with whatever is needed. When our DS & DIL recently had baby GS we took food , cooked & cleared up then had cuddle with baby whilst DIL had a shower.
Our D has 5 year old twins we & her partners parents help out where we can.
I haven’t come across GP who just want to cuddle the baby & hand out unsolicited advice.

Good posts Scribbles, BlueBelle and eazybee.

So without even saying 'hello' the first thing your m.i.l. says is "gimmie, gimmie, gimmie" while "she's snatching for the baby"
AugustDay .

I don't see the relevance to this particular thread because the OP hasn't done that either Goodbyetoallthat.

I’m not sure where I suggested the OP had done/ not done anything?
I was merely stating that in my experience the GPs I know have tried to help & not hand out unsolicited advice. But that is just my experience yours may be different.

Apologies Goodbyetoallthat my post wasn't as clear as it should have been.

I don't see the relevance of mentioning GP's just wanting cuddles and giving unsolicited advice which has been mentioned here by some, not by you, as this is not something that the OP has done.

Thanks March

www.gransnet.com/forums/ask_a_gran/1325105-Help-and-support-please

Op, please take it easy, you have a lifetime for cuddles.

Your son is standing up for his family

Not all new mothers try to be perfect

They just try to adjust and survive, and enjoy the experience, despite the "good intentions" from others

How disrespectful to treat another adult just because they have something you want