“You’re here to help not to have cuddles”

My inlaws and my Mom live about 10-15 minutes from us.

They'll always drop a text to make sure it's convenient to 'pop in' which is respectful as a family of 5? Especially with added in meetings, phonecalls and assessments currently.

Planned visits are once a week so anything else is 'is it OK to pop in'.

Also imagine having a child free afternoon with your husband.
Nothing on.
No work or overtime.
No phonecalls
and your mom or MIL knocking at the door.

If it works for you March then stick with it.

In my family we do not drop in. That doesn’t mean we can’t call in at short notice, but at least we text or phone beforehand - thank goodness - and we do all make enough time for one another. My dtr’s partner’s parents (who are lovely) think nothing of turning up without warning. My dtr works from home but they have interpreted this as meaning ‘always available’. When she explains that she is actually, genuinely working and can’t spare time to entertain them they are a little offended, but seem to never learn. To me that a respect thing. Generally though everyone is different so do what makes you and yours happy.

And it will for plenty of others.

NewNana2 as you see, we all have different stories to tell, I hope things get easier for you as time goes on and you’ll be a big part of your new baby’s life in future.You can’t live life tiptoeing around tho, scared to say a wrong word.Just be yourself and show your son and DIL that you love them and will help out when you can with baby, but don’t start acting like a servant with them.

There are lots of different ways to be a good parent

There are also lots of different ways to be a bad one

Estrangement is not a new thing because toxic people are not a new thing. Sadly toxic people have no idea they are toxic and will never understand what went wrong

So threads like these matter because those who can listen to other points of view and realise that respecting difference is key, can improve their relationships

I hope the OP will come back and hopefully explain about the ‘wrong words’
I also hope her son will treat her with love and respect.

Summerlove

You do show up unannounced ? And others do it to you?

What if you had plans? Or we’re watching a movie?

I don’t get it.

Watching a movie 😂😂😂

Plans well, if we were going off out they'd just moosey on their way.
After they'd had a comfort break 😂

My family is far more important than any movie, or films as we call them here. A film can wait or they might want to watch it with us.

Also imagine having a child free afternoon with your husband.
Most afternoons are child free when they've all left home.

I sometimes think I've wandered on to Mumsnet by mistake.

If it's our child and family who pop in, or a friend or DIL's Mum or family then -
What we do is put the kettle on.

Also imagine having a child free afternoon with your husband.
Nothing on. 😯 I admit that could be a tad embarrassing

Just the way I and my family feel too Callistemon
They’d plop down on a sofa and demand popcorn most likely.
😄

Usually they'll let us know or we'll make arrangements to call.

However, a couple of them have turned up from Australia unexpectedly over the years.
Yes, we were in!

I admit I haven’t managed to read the whole thread but this really speaks to me:

visitors pounced on the new baby, and their only goal was to sit and cuddle

Do NOT be that person!
My daughter in law said (years later) that she loved that I left their first baby to her when I visited and just helped with the chaos and mess - unless she asked me to hold him.

The belief that anyone is entitled to cuddling by/of anyone is just wrong.

Norah

Your son did you a huge favour.

He told you things aren't proceeding smoothly in their home, to watch what you say, not offer opinions or your advice, and to be a real help - which holding babies is decidedly not.

I didn't want advice nor opinions over 60 years ago, why would a new mother want advice now? Help with the cooking, maybe. Opinions, no.

Arrive with no expectations. Smile and nod, be kind and forgiving.

Me too.
Good advice

When did family interaction become so rule-bound and lacking in spontaneity? When did people become so insecure that they have to create rigid boundaries that musn’t be crossed?
If a friend or family member turns up unexpectedly is it really a problem? In whose world is it disrespectful? Isn’t it just life?

No, it isn't life when you work full time, have other responsibilities that must be taken care of no matter what and items in your agenda that cannot be postponed

What is disrespectful to me is a person assuming I can host at their convenience and be happy about it

Is the baby relatively new? Often times it people (even us Grans) are keen to say we want to come over to “help” new mums out but what we really mean is to come home the baby for her. This is not help - in fact it’s the opposite. What new mums need in the way of help is - actual help. Someone to bring a meal, maybe run a load of wash, do some shopping etc so she can focus on feeding and holding and recovering with her baby. Perhaps you’ve been guilty of coming over to “help”
In this regard ?

To answer your question if this is happening to others . My son would never talk to me in that way , that I’m
here to help and not for cuddles . I think thats awful . Of course there are boundaries with everyone but that’s disrespectful in my book .

Mitzigem - it may be that this type of "help" is a bone of contention...
It sounds like exasperation to me to be honest.

We all know what is actual help to us (personally) with a baby.
Just ask - but be careful not to criticise (or imply criticism). My parents (for example) always offered to hoover. They asked can they "help with the hoovering" nearly every visit. It was really irritating as I "knew" it meant that they thought I was living in a pigsty. Now I'm older and wiser I "know" they were just putting their ideas of how a home should look onto mine. . They truly loved me and I loved them but they were often at the receiving end of sharp comments - and these usually were around their ideas of "helping".

The things that helped me most was cooking a dinner for us and just dropping it off without coming in, washing up if someone did come in (but not mum and dad as that is criticising), emptying bins (but not mum and dad) , hanging the laundry out and putting in an hour in the garden... These are all difficult tasks at first with a baby in your arms.

If my parents had suggested that they could "come over to help" I would have been annoyed if they then said "I can’t wait to have a cuddle with baby"... it is definitely mixed messages.
BTW, My parents always had baby cuddles when they visited. Luckily they generally discussed when to come as they were a fair old drive away!

The things I loved them to help with were the things they had special talents with that I felt I did not. My dad was a super-whizz in the kitchen and garden he laid great fires. Mum was terrific with mending and sewing as she was a tailor, she helped with ironing (think fiddly Laura Ashley!) washing changing curtains and other big jobs.
She was endlessly patient with older children learning to knit etc. and (later) when we had more babies both would entertain older siblings so I could have precious time with my new baby.

OP. Please don't just think the worst of this little family. Truly listen to them and try to help on their terms with the jobs that they really want your help with. Think if you have "special skills" that are useful - and if you feel not, cooking is always appreciated I think...

Leave them to muddle through with the rest. They will be stronger for it in the end.

And you will be seen as a safe pair of hands and get plenty of cuddles in due course.

Good luck.
💐

Delila

When did family interaction become so rule-bound and lacking in spontaneity? When did people become so insecure that they have to create rigid boundaries that musn’t be crossed?
If a friend or family member turns up unexpectedly is it really a problem? In whose world is it disrespectful? Isn’t it just life?

👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻
It’s the me generation, fussing about boundaries and what words you must use to them.Snowflakes in other words.
Thankfully not all that generation tho there sure are a lot around.

With family, I think you instinctively know whether it's OK just to pop in Oreo.

When ES was living on his own I would just pop round on the off chance he'd be in. When his wife moved in with him (before they married) although nothing was said, I started checking first. He once commented on it and was disappointed that this had changed so I just said that it's different now it's not just you living here.

Up to our estrangement he never stopped just coming down to our house and raiding the fridge, turning on the charm and asking me to make him a bacon sandwich; those were the days.

Not all families are the same and within a family, individual members will have a different approach to unannounced visits.

"Where's my coat?" indeed Callistemon.

No excuse at all for your son’s rudeness. Many of us here, I would imagine, have been ‘first time parents’ and wouldn’t have been so disrespectful. My children certainly weren’t. Yes, some new mothers act like prima donnas - they should show some sensitivity and kindness. Enjoy your new grandchild NewNana2, and remember that you are a grandmother, not a servant! 💐

The things I loved them to help with were the things they had special talents with that I felt I did not. My dad was a super-whizz in the kitchen and garden he laid great fires. Mum was terrific with mending and sewing as she was a tailor, she helped with ironing (think fiddly Laura Ashley!) washing changing curtains and other big jobs.
She was endlessly patient with older children learning to knit etc. and (later) when we had more babies both would entertain older siblings so I could have precious time with my new baby.

NotSpaghetti I began to wonder if you are my sister - they sound just like my Mum and Dad!

(However, I don't have a sister).

That phrase is exactly the sort of thing my son would say to me - as a joke. So I wonder if OP's son didn't intend it to be taken so seriously.
Also, personally I fail to see the attraction of cuddling newborn babies - I'd prefer to do some housework! (Please note I do love my grandchildren - I'm just not drawn to tiny babies!)

Please note I do love my grandchildren - I'm just not drawn to tiny babies!
Especially when they're not your own! 👼