“You’re here to help not to have cuddles”

The problem with asking for other's opinions on matters like this is that it's so centred around each person's own experience and feelings on the subject that you will end up going out the same door you came in - not really much wiser!

And, of course, none of us quite know the dynamics of the OP's family relationships, nor their history. Some small event, incident, seemingly unimportant and not even mentioned, can alter the whole picture.

If my son had spoken those words to me, I'd have been a tad shocked and upset - but that's because he was quite laid-back about becoming a father for the first time and because we also have a fairly relaxed and informal relationship with each other. But, we're all different and have a variety of family set-ups, so my situation is irrelevant really.

I hope the OP can just 'go with the flow' and accept that parenthood grabs people in different ways... it's early days yet. Best perhaps to just follow the 'rules' and be as helpful as possible, knowing that you are doing the right thing... but subtly make sure the parents understand that you are a blood relative and not the hired-help, and expect a small nod of understanding in that direction.

I’ve just had my first visit from my granddaughter, partner and their new baby girl. They came to me on the way back from breast feeding clinic. Baby is a week old and going through all the usual traumas of breast feeding but they’re getting there. Baby has just had slight tongue tie cut which was also a problem for my first great grandchild. I just let new mum talk and tell me all about it,everything is very different from when I had my children or even when the grandchildren arrived butI haven’t come across any proper words yet.
I had ready a bag of gifts for the baby and had made a large cottage pie for them to save one evenings cooking. They were more happy with that than anything so I agree with others who say just listen,only offer advice if asked and just offer practical help.

Callistemon21

^Please note I do love my grandchildren - I'm just not drawn to tiny babies!^
Especially when they're not your own! 👼

Exactly. My cousin and her son and daughter in law called on the off chance of me being at home to introduce the new baby which was asleep in the back of their car. I actually wasn't that bothered and the mother obviously did not want the baby woken up and ripped out so I just waved from my front door with my cousin running to and from the door to the car and back and the daughter in law scowling daggers at us. I just waved and shouted 'Lovey to see you. Bye'. and closed the door. Last time I ever saw or heard from them thank goodness.

I might have gone and taken a peek and made the right noises, LRavenscroft 😀

But I remember DB saying babies weren't the slightest bit interesting until they were at least six months old.

Of course, my own were 👼

Grammaretto

Have you met the baby yet?
It sounds rude to me. Are you his mother?
I wouldn't like being spoken to like that and would say so.

Was he saying it kiddingly? If my adult child or inlaw said that to me, after all the years of HARD work raising my children, I would be livid! You deserve to have as many cuddles as possible!!! And that was an very unkind and disrespectful comment he made. If that is what I might expect for my visit, I might cancel and go on a cruise instead - and if you don't think I deserve a cuddle then you don't deserve my help!!

NewNana2

During a casual chat with son, he said the above comment. We’re due to visit and I lovingly said I can’t wait to have a cuddle with their baby. He said that I must use the correct words when talking or texting my DIL as it’s very important. I know they are first time parents and want everything the way they want. Totally understand. Is this happening with others too? I appreciate your views.

Was he saying it kiddingly? If my adult child or inlaw said that to me, after all the years of HARD work raising my children, I would be livid! You deserve to have as many cuddles as possible!!! And that was an very unkind and disrespectful comment he made. If that is what I might expect for my visit, I might cancel and go on a cruise instead - and if you don't think I deserve a cuddle then you don't deserve my help!!

I always wonder how these mothers, with all their set ideas about how they want their babies looked after, will get on when the babies are older. That's when you realise that the baby hasn't read the posts on Mumsnet and hasn't watched the Youtube videos. Both of mine were very unimpressed by my ideas!

Deedaa my first born definitely hadn't read the Penelope Leach guide to bringing up babies that I was trying to follow in 1981 🤣

V3ra

Deedaa my first born definitely hadn't read the Penelope Leach guide to bringing up babies that I was trying to follow in 1981 🤣

It was Dr Spock back in the 1970s! DD1 obviously hadn't read it but DS, wise baby, obviously had 👼👼

Callistemon21 - nor do I!
❤️

Callistemon21, yes, I had four kids, but still I'm rather scared of handling the fragile, crying, frog-like newborns. I much prefer them from about six months onwards. Well, that's far better than the other way around, surely?

I don't think I'd feel too welcomed by warnings about using the right language - so I'd probably take a back seat, anyway, and maybe wait for them to visit me.

If the grandparent is only going into see a small new Baby to “get as many cuddles as they want”
The parents may well prefer they booked a holiday instead. And it’s not a new concept either.

When my own grown children were small and brand new my mil made it quite clear her idea of helping was to hold my brand new babies for hours on end while I cooked and cleaned. And as such when she offered up her “help” as more babies came along she found her offers declined in favor of my own mum who came to truly help - help worth laundry, errands , cooking and looking after older sibs while baby and I recovered and cuddled and nursed and napped. Mil booking a holiday as of her help would have been missed would have been a dream come true

I’m assuming this is a newborn? Many people (not just grandparents) get swept up in the fact that a new baby has been born and seem to completely forget that the mother, father and their baby need to bond as a nuclear family. The baby is learning who their parents are and the fact that they can trust them most in the world so it should never be assumed that anyone can sweep in and demand cuddles. The other point is, this is not about your opportunity to meet the baby, the number 1 priority is the mother and baby’s recovery (labour is called labour for a reason)
If you want to form a close bond with your grandchild and not face resentment from your son and his partner; best to give them space and go see them when it’s convenient for them and when you go in, before cooing all over the baby - ask DIL how she is feeling and if she needs you to do anything for her and tell her you think she’s going to be an amazing mother. She needs support and reassurance. Then ask to see the baby (and she will likely offer you the cuddle you want)
Many MILs feel put out because they feel like maternal grandparents end up with more access than paternal grandparents but it’s normally because a paternal grandparents main focus is seeing the baby whereas a maternal grandparents main priority is her daughter.
Show your DIL you care about her first and foremost and it will only serve you well in the long run.

A bit of time and tolerance will go a long way here. DILs don’t always find it easy to say things directly to MILs so she may well just be voicing through your son that she’d prefer visitors didn’t try to take the baby off her. He won’t be saying you can never cuddle, just that going in with the mentality of helping with their needs not focussing on your own will make her feel at ease more quickly. Try not to take it personally 😊. She’ll still be working out what she’s comfortable with and finding her voice, and in time I’m sure she’ll be delighted for you to cuddle the baby.

Also, your son is doing a great job trying to look after his wife’s feelings at this time. That will be a great support for her. You must be very proud 😊.

LovelyCuppa

A bit of time and tolerance will go a long way here. DILs don’t always find it easy to say things directly to MILs so she may well just be voicing through your son that she’d prefer visitors didn’t try to take the baby off her. He won’t be saying you can never cuddle, just that going in with the mentality of helping with their needs not focussing on your own will make her feel at ease more quickly. Try not to take it personally 😊. She’ll still be working out what she’s comfortable with and finding her voice, and in time I’m sure she’ll be delighted for you to cuddle the baby.

This ^

Be proud you raised him to be taking care of his wife's needs.

Let all of this wash over you. Life is too short. So long as you are being generally helpful and not just all gooey gooey over the baby and taking over I am sure this is a phase that will pass. I would have a casual chat about how your actions may not meet their expectations and tell them both by all means they must tell you if you appear to be overstepping the mark whilst gently reminding them of course that you are simply enjoying being with them all and being a granny.
I wonder if there is a little post partum anxiety or depression though in which case she would need to seek help.

I wonder what sort of relationship you have had previously with DIL? Have there been frictions in the past? Otherwise cannot understand DS's comments. Think you should maybe ask for an explanation, what are the correct words???
I would just make sure to continually ask DIL what you can do to help and stress that you're prepared to do anything and everything, cooking, cleaning, shopping, washing, ironing etc and always ask if it's alright to give baby a cuddle before doing so. Take care not to step on any toes and enjoy new baby.

Reading all the comments makes me rather nervous about becoming a grandmother to my son and his fiancée’s children should they decide to have any! I am Nana to my DD’s four and found it a relaxed and happy experience. I did/still do whatever is needed to help out, with lots of cuddles! I followed her routines etc but was not afraid to suggest alternatives especially when I can see she’s struggling! She can be quite sharp so I didn’t exactly have a pushover! I assumed that this would be ok with my future DIL when/if the time comes. I am close to my darling son and feel I can be open with him. I know he would love to be a father one day. I am aware that his fiancée has had a difficult time with her own mother, although they are fairly close now. She left her, her siblings and their father when the children were quite young and I think that this has affected my future DIL somewhat, particularly as her mother tells her not to have children as they ruin your life! I think I will have to tread very sensitively there, despite the fact they both tell me that I would be very much needed as the other mum does not like babies or children!

Oh yes, hormones all over the place, elderly people being downright rude to their carers, ill spouses showing no consideration for their husbands and wives!

Call me unreasonable if you want, but life was a good deal easier when we all at least tried to practise the good manners and consideration of others' feelings we had been taught.

Obviously, no grandparent or either sex should rush in and start doing everything as they think best, but these new parents who have been encouraged by whom? Facebook?their friends who likewise are new parents? to make lists of do's and don'ts for the consumption of their parents and other relatives are downright rude and inconsiderate.

Had similar from my family.
I just did what I was allowed to do.
Eventually (and it was a long time) I was allowed to baby sit. I noted everything that happened by time, baby gurned baby opened eyes, baby moved etc and gave it (the paper) to them on their return. They also phoned me every 30 mins.
This was a long time ago and I think it was every 30 mins they phoned.
Eventually trust is gained, just in time for school and that is a different set of rules.

That is so Rude !
If that was my Son or daughter I would be having a few words about that !
We all know how useful Grandparents are with the children ! How dare he talk to yo like that ! What does “ Grandad “ say
Sorry for the rant but I am very disgusted at that remark !

I actually think your son was rude.

"You are here as the maid, not as the grandma" - is how it sounded to me. Not nice.

I'm continually struck by the rudeness, lack of respect and arrogance of this generation. What, in the way we have brought them up, has encouraged them to take that attitude? Having said this, son is probably out of his mind at the moment. Some DILs resent their husband's mum on principle and are bent on total control even when there is no threat from Mum. (I speak from experience!) Everything gets magnified when there is a new baby and understandably the new parents can be on edge when everyone wants to snuggle their vulnerable little bundle. I would be very mild and detached, help in practical ways and not expect major fulfilment in life to come through adult children because in my experience they disappoint - and that's even though I have earnestly tried to do the right thing!