“You’re here to help not to have cuddles”

undines

I'm continually struck by the rudeness, lack of respect and arrogance of this generation. What, in the way we have brought them up, has encouraged them to take that attitude? Having said this, son is probably out of his mind at the moment. Some DILs resent their husband's mum on principle and are bent on total control even when there is no threat from Mum. (I speak from experience!) Everything gets magnified when there is a new baby and understandably the new parents can be on edge when everyone wants to snuggle their vulnerable little bundle. I would be very mild and detached, help in practical ways and not expect major fulfilment in life to come through adult children because in my experience they disappoint - and that's even though I have earnestly tried to do the right thing!

But of course your major fulfillment in life SHOULDNT come from adult children ? Perhaps your problem
Hasn’t been disappointing ac but that your expectations are off base? Your adult
Children shouldn’t be the source of your fulfillment at all. What a terrible burden to attempt to put on them

Oreo

Summerlove

You do show up unannounced ? And others do it to you?

What if you had plans? Or we’re watching a movie?

I don’t get it.

Some of us have good relationships with our adult kids and amazingly we can pop in to see them anytime and they do the same with us. Shocking ain’t it?😁
It’s called dropping in for a cuppa.

I do this with my daughter and one of my sons. I always message my other son and DIL though, I think it may the the maternal grandmother aspect of our relationship.

(As opposed to the paternal grandmother with my son and DIL)

My children aren't geographically close enough to drop in, but I would never just land on someone, however emotionally close we were. People have a right to a private life, and that includes parents and adult children.

This sound very familiar to me. Looking back I think it may have been due to the high anxiety of being a parent for the first time. I was asked not to wear perfume ( fair point ), not to use certain words one being ‘observed’ and I accidentally mentioned that the baby had been a bit crotchety and was told not to use that word. I don’t even know why I said it be because it’s not a word I ever use. Oh and many other rules and instructions. I also learnt never to give any advice unless you are asked and even then choose your words very carefully because you are treading on eggshells. It was very different when I looked after my great nieces as their mummy just said to treat them as I did my own. We had a very lovely and easy time. Be patient, understanding and supportive and enjoy this wonderful time.

Doodledog

My children aren't geographically close enough to drop in, but I would never just land on someone, however emotionally close we were. People have a right to a private life, and that includes parents and adult children.

Indeed.

Our children, grandchildren and GGC are near, do come round often. However, we'd never pop in without an invitation - we do want more grandchildren and surely don't wish to intrude!

Our children, grandchildren and GGC are near, do come round often. However, we'd never pop in without an invitation - we do want more grandchildren and surely don't wish to intrude!

I was thinking more of the right to be in your dressing gown in front of rubbish on the TV, but you have a point there, too .

My D asked for no baby words to be spoken to my two GD's I was upset at the time, been a first time Gran,
They both speak very well getting top marks in English. It is not the worst idea.

My offspring lives just around the corner and I never contact them first. They contact me when they want to. We have a messenger page where we share things that suit and check it out when we have time. But they do surrender my things of old age as I surrender their things of youth. We just change the subject if things don't go smoothly. It works for us.

Mine are always dropping in just as and when they like. Or we get a text or call, we thought we’d pop in for a cup of tea. Son number two was quite amazed and affronted (not nastily) when we dared to be having a meal out with his brother and wife
He has two houses and only lives in the one near us at weekends and holidays otherwise we’d never have a minutes peace. I love him to bits though, I love them all and I hope they carry on popping in as long as I’m alive. They often catch me in my dressing gown because I’m lazy about getting dressed in the morning. No problem. They’re my kids.
I just wish my daughter could still pop in like she used to but she lives in New Zealand now. But she calls us all the time and we don’t care what she’s interrupting, she’s one of the lights of our life.

None of my children would dream of making a comment like that ! It’s rude and selfish and pretty uncaring. Becoming a grandparent is one of the most precious things ever and it’s to be treasured. I would hope that both children and “in laws” would be honest enough to speak freely, as I always do, I do err on the side of caution as I can be a little blunt, and would never deliberately upset anyone, but I also wouldn’t take kindly to rude comments directed at me, nor be told how to communicate with a DiL or SiL !

I grew up in an “open” house, I was always welcome to bring friends home with me from school for an hour, an evening, a weekend and my parents duly fed and watered them. They too had as hoc guests, both family and friends, we try to be the same and I live it - kettle on, biscuits out, telly off ! Love both spontaneous and pre-arranged visits from our family - they’re our family, so what if I’m in my nighty and doing the ironing ?

I grew up in an open house too - but it came with so many downsides that I would now love a moat and wolves to guard the door .

Everything had to be 'just so' in case anyone called, nobody could mooch about - it was all 'are you not dressed yet? it's 8.00am! If anyone calls they'll think someone's died.' If my mum had called on anyone else she was quick to comment if they weren't 'visitor ready', too. '9.00, and she hadn't got her washing out!'

I may have gone too far the other way, but my home is my space, and I want to be able to do as I like when I like, without risk of comment. none of my friends expect 'drop-in' visitors either - a quick text is just manners, IMO. As I say, my children don't live near enough to risk us being our if they drop by, so it doesn't apply to them.

New babies are tiring, just don’t think into
Too much, don’t say anything and dwell , just go and enjoy cuddles while helping x

Definitely not the time to risk a potential falling out because a comments is seen as "rude" when some of us would view it as setting a boundary or stating a need clearly.

Never be the person who doesn't like to be told "no"

Fallouts over brand new babies can be long reaching

If it was my son or daughter I’d say I was sorry but not knowing the correct words to use with a new baby I would have to decline the invitation to ‘help out’…as I wouldn’t want to upset the baby or obviously the new mother. I really wonder how my mum managed with 6 of us and husbands who didn’t lift a finger …or my freinds mum with 9 or my other freinds mum with 11…… what a massive deal new mothers make of one tiny baby! It’s dead easy as my gran would say….. eat ….sleep….change….repeat!!!

maddyone

Mine are always dropping in just as and when they like. Or we get a text or call, we thought we’d pop in for a cup of tea. Son number two was quite amazed and affronted (not nastily) when we dared to be having a meal out with his brother and wife
He has two houses and only lives in the one near us at weekends and holidays otherwise we’d never have a minutes peace. I love him to bits though, I love them all and I hope they carry on popping in as long as I’m alive. They often catch me in my dressing gown because I’m lazy about getting dressed in the morning. No problem. They’re my kids.
I just wish my daughter could still pop in like she used to but she lives in New Zealand now. But she calls us all the time and we don’t care what she’s interrupting, she’s one of the lights of our life.

I wish ours were near enough to just drop in, too, maddyone

mathiasella

My D asked for no baby words to be spoken to my two GD's I was upset at the time, been a first time Gran,
They both speak very well getting top marks in English. It is not the worst idea.

We didn't use baby words either 40 plus years ago.
Why invent "baby" words when we have perfectly good ones that are correct and understood by everyone?

LRavenscroft,

But they do surrender my things of old age as I surrender their things of youth

LR, please can you explain what this means.
i cannot understand it at all.
is it part of a quotation maybe ?

NotSpaghetti

mathiasella

My D asked for no baby words to be spoken to my two GD's I was upset at the time, been a first time Gran,
They both speak very well getting top marks in English. It is not the worst idea.

We didn't use baby words either 40 plus years ago.
Why invent "baby" words when we have perfectly good ones that are correct and understood by everyone?

Babies babble. It's called learning to speak, babble is easy to copy, it's a stage in using language.

None of my DC now say Dadada, Mamama, Bababa.

None of my DC now say Dadada, Mamama, Bababa.

Nor mine Callistemon. In fact one son speaks so well he took up speaking for a living. He’s a barrister I’d hate to be the one being interrogated questioned by him though.

I remember one incident when I was in Mothercare with my infant daughter, and I pointed out to her the soft toys, ‘Look at all the rabbits.’ A woman came over and said to me how wonderful it was to hear a mother speaking properly to her child using the right words! I was flabbergasted. It wasn’t a policy I had thought through, I just did it naturally. I was guilty as charged though for calling the children’s shoes shoe paddies and now believe it or not, they all call their shoes, well shoes actually.

I had a relative who would deliberately waken my daughter every time she visited us.She would kick the pram wheels or shout at the cotside until baby wakened.Telling her made no difference ,she believed she had the right to "cuddles" other visitors came and ironed or tidied round or hung out washing but not her.her ONLY reason for visiting was picking up the baby who was a very poor sleeper .
Maybe thats the scenario the OP's son wants to void,she can go to help but not to disturb their child.I dont think its rude to tell OP the rules .it IS their baby after all !

We still call a toy rabbit Bunny but that because it's his name 😁

Blimey. How insensitive and damn rude of him.

welbeck

LRavenscroft,

But they do surrender my things of old age as I surrender their things of youth

LR, please can you explain what this means.
i cannot understand it at all.
is it part of a quotation maybe ?

Yes, The verb 'surrender' is. There was a famous quote from a poem called Desiderata.

'Take kindly the counsel of the years, gracefully surrendering the things of youth.'

I just fancied using it in my context as my daughter just has to say 'Mother', and I know that what I am saying or doing is an age thing but she can also be quite dramatic at times and that is when I just grin and let it go.