Feeling left out

eddiescat

By my track record of ever gransnet thread I have ever commented on, sometimes it is the DILs fault and I will say so

In this situation, DIL has done nothing except ask for some information to be kept close for an unknown reason and an unknown amount of time

VioletSky

eddiescat

That's not what I said, I said that is information I am not entitled too

If my son came to me and said "there is a problem with the pregnancy" and then said "sorry, my wife wants to keep that information quiet at the moment" I would say, "don't worry, I won't say anything" and move on with my day. I wouldn't be hurting that she wanted to keep those details quiet, I would respect that she has her reasons and that it is her body and her choice.

Of course I listen to my children, I listen and support... That's not the same as getting overly emotionally invested and needing to know every detail of their lives. It's not the same as my life revolving around theirs.

As a side note, if it were only me in a situation who was put on an information diet... I would be thinking that perhaps I was a person who tends to make their problems about myself and making it harder for them... Then I would go get lots of therapy

This is exactly it. As if no one here has ever been told something sensitive and then had the sharer come back and explain it’s a sensitive situation, so they need to keep it to themselves.
The #1 issue here is MIL’s taking DIL’s medical situation and caring more about a perceived slight that about her DIL or grandchild. The first sentence of the OP said it all when it comes to what gran cares about most here. It’s petty and it’s narcissistic.

I wouldn't put it quite so strongly - but I think you have both hit nail on head.

*please pardon my typos

I do wonder if the disagreement on here comes from the different relationships different people have with their parents and children. Some families are extremely close and share a lot, others not so much.

I think you could be right maddy. It's not only daughters who are close to their mums and want to share, some sons are
as well.

Closeness isn’t always about sharing everything though.

Not everything I agree.

IMO this isn't about a pregnant woman's right to privacy, it's about control.

I’d agree it’s about control, but I suspect we differ after that. I feel it’s about control of her own private medical information. Not about controlling her husband.

As far as this early comment All this rubbish about her body, her uterus etc., she's carrying their baby.

Again, it’s her body? her uterus.

This idea that women lost control of their body after conception greatly upsets me.

I understand OP is hurt, though I don’t think she’s helping herself much

OP ^she sees her mum during the week but doesn’t ever come to us, doesn’t want my son to ever tell us anything.
Am I wrong to find this hurtful?^

No, feelings are feelings. You're to have your own.

However, perhaps manage your feelings to not be 'hurt' by her lack of alone visits? We really don't expect our in-laws to prefer us. In fact, I expect our in-laws and future in-laws to prefer theirs.

I didn't say that a woman loses control over her body when she becomes pregnant Summerlove and you're right, we do differ about whose attempting to control.

We’re very lucky with our children, even though our daughter is currently living and working in New Zealand, she has remained close to us, much more so than when she was married. She’s now getting a divorce. We speak to her all the time and also the grandchildren. Our boys are both married, one with a child, and we see them regularly, get together regularly for meals, go out together a lot, have our grandson over a lot. We help them out a lot, my husband is always doing jobs for them and we did also in New Zealand when we were visiting our daughter for two months in the winter. That’s our family though but not all are the same. I love the way our family is and wouldn’t change it. We’ve had experience of control in a marriage in our family but that person is no longer part of the family.
Likewise I was close to my parents even though I had ups and downs with my mother. And we were close also, but probably a bit less so, to my parents in law. That’s who we are and I love it. But others are not so close and that’s fine too, so long as no one is being coercively controlled. That is crucial.
I don’t know how the OP can resolve the issues apart from maintaining a loving relationship with her son and daughter in law, but not asking for any information. It’s tricky though because she could then be accused of not being interested!

Smileless2012

I didn't say that a woman loses control over her body when she becomes pregnant Summerlove and you're right, we do differ about whose attempting to control.

Then could you explain what you did mean?

It is coming across as though you do not believe she has the right to keep her information private?

I talk to my children daily by their choice, even the adult 2

Closeness doesn't mean knowing everything

Sometimes closeness means giving your children space to live their own lives their way and remembering you aren't nuclear family any more, their own families are their priority

That's as it should be to I did not spend decades raising children I don't trust to make their own decisions

I meant Summerlove that the references to her body, her uterus etc for me isn't the issue. If course it's her body but she's carrying their child, and the information the OP's son gave her was in relation to the pregnancy.

IMO this isn't about her having control over her body, it's about the OP's d.i.l. controlling what the OP's son can and cannot tell her, which for me is wrong.

She told her mum and her sister, so why can't he tell his mum?

It's their information not her's, because it concerns their baby.

It really is no wonder so many relationships struggle

When someone like the OP feels it's her right to know and sits with other family members speaking badly of this DIL

Do you think that's ok Smileless? Really?

It sounds like bullying to me

As a sensible older family member I'd never be involved in that

Smileless2012

It's their information not her's, because it concerns their baby.

Given we have daughters who do talk to us I may be wrong, however it seems to me from the original post - too much information was given. I'd not want my mil knowing 'placenta is low' - perhaps better had son replied to her questioning (who in their right mind questions?) 'all looks fine'.

Questioning out of turn and TMI cause many in-law problems.

Where did she say it's her right? She asked if all was OK with the scan, what caring mother, m.i.l., future GM wouldn't want to know?

I don't think it's the OP's right to know, but I do believe it's her son's right to tell her what he wants her to know.

So if the day comes when your d.i.l. is pregnant VS wouldn't you want to know that everything's OK? The OP didn't ask him for information regardless of whether or not his wife wanted her to be told.

As maddy posted, if she hadn't asked how the scan went, she could be accused of not being interested so yes, It really is no wonder that relationships struggle.

I agree Norah that it does look as if too much information was given but not because the OP asked for specifics, she just asked what I'm sure the majority of mums/m's.i.l./future GM's would ask, if everything was alright.

Every family is different VS. Your family act one way, other families act another. You may not mean to, but you come across as though your way is the only way. It’s not! Each family behaves the way they want to. Our way may not be your way, but both are completely valid. I don’t force my adult children to behave the way they do, that’s their choice.
I agree with Smileless that this is not about the woman’s body so much as about their baby. It is her body, but the baby is theirs.

Smileless2012

I agree Norah that it does look as if too much information was given but not because the OP asked for specifics, she just asked what I'm sure the majority of mums/m's.i.l./future GM's would ask, if everything was alright.

I tend to disagree. Apart from annoying our children and my husband, questions don't always need asking - wait to be told. Easy!!

Personally, a priority for me is being a calm, approachable MIL

I am not saying my parenting is the only way, I am sharing what is working well in my family

And I am FAR from the only one saying it aren't I?

I'll find the post answering your question I have already said rather than retype Smileless

VioletSky

I wouldn't text or call when I knew they were at hospital either, I'd wait to hear... Son would need to be focused on his wife and baby, not answering me

Imagine if every family member and close friend did that. Their phones would be going non stop. How stressful would that be

Here