Feeling left out

Thanks so much for your kind suggestion Welbeck but I won’t need it.
I keep my mouth firmly shut which is why I seek support elsewhere.
As long as I’m a good girl and do exactly as I’m told whilst DIL can make no effort at all it will all be fine and dandy.

Families you can’t pick them can you? Our SiL doesn’t have a great relationship with his own family he gets on with us. But for some reason I know he monitors what our DD talks about with us. I just think in laws can be very odd at times even our own families can be too.
Yes such behaviour is hurtful and downright tactless and not deserved especially feeling left out. But you have a good relationship with your son that’s more important it would be to me.

You are not alone, many of us do the same.

Too many aggressive comments and lack of sympathy on this thread. Fortunately we are all different and react differently to varying situations.
Good luck Moaning Turtle in the future with DIL relations

Sorry but until the baby is born it is the DIL's private medical information and I would be very disappointed if my DH blabbed against my wishes.

Please give her a break and don't make her medical complications all about your hurt feelings. TBH if you are prepared to make her (possibly life threatening) complications about your "equal rights" - I can see why she doesn't want you to know.

Having pregnancy complications is very, very stressful - especially when the outcome will not be certain for some weeks. Sometimes it just adds to the anxiety when you are constantly asked about what is going on? what are the doctors going to do? Why don't they know? From experience I know that it can make a stressful time much, much worse.

Juliet27

Difficult situation. It’s a slightly concerning pregnancy situation and the dil is feeling vulnerable - only wants the comfort of her mother knowing and doesn’t want to discuss elsewhere. It’s a concern for the son too and needed to share it with his mum so it’s a difficult situation for him but mum will no doubt keep the secret despite feeling hurt.

This above would be my response.

OP, the dripping sarcasm here >As long as I’m a good girl and do exactly as I’m told whilst DIL can make no effort at all it will all be fine and dandy.< - do you think your DIL might see, or suspect the poor opinion you have of her?
and
>So many stories to tell and even my other daughter in laws find her behaviour odd< -

You and your other DIL's discuss her behind her back? She's having a difficult pregnancy and lets be honest here, if you were to ask questions would it be in showing sympathy for her, or more in a "I have a right to know!" tone of voice? I honestly don't want to upset you more than you are already, but your DIL has chosen to not make it known, so her wishes should be observed here, not yours.

On this site we are anonymous. That's why we can let others know our TRUE feelings... we don't have to hide anything as nobody knows who we are. MT is saying how SHE truly feels. That's the point of Gransnet. Her feelings are her feelings and are totally valid. She isn't asking to be shot down in flames. Her DIL sounds dreadful yet she has to put up with her for fear of alienation. I hear of many stories like this. I am not sure I fully appreciated my MIL in the early days yet as I myself matured and she got older I came to love her dearly. This is what I wish for MT.

I guarantee DIL knows how her MIL feels about her

I'd change attitude stat if I wanted a good relationship with grandchild

The best way to have a good relationship with the grandchildren is to have a good relationship with the parents

A friend of mine had the same with her son, when his wife was expecting their first . She was so hurt by it , she's always been very involved with her daughter 's 2 sons and assumed it would be the same with her son . She gets on well with her dil, but this has caused a rift . Her son has also sided with his wife , maybe it's the old saying , A daughters your daughter all her life , a son's your son until he takes a wife

Nora Bone

Are you reading the correct posts?
As I have already said I didn’t wish to be privy to my DILs health or pregnancy.
I texted my son to ask how the scan went ( I presume that is allowed) and he immediately told me. All I wanted to hear was that everything was going well.
He then must have been told that DIL didn’t want us to know hence the text asking me not to let on.
Yes of course everyone talks about each other in a family, it’s natural.
They were in fact commenting on how strange it was that our grandson was four months old before we all got to meet him, no apparent reason at all.

Violet Sky

What would you like me to do?
I’ve helped financially to the tune of several thousand pounds, offered to babysit yet have never had any time in our own with our little grandson, always praised her mothering and personally, bought her nice Christmas and Birthday presents, things I know she likes.
I really don’t know what else I can do but am open to suggestions.

greenlady102

Feelings aren't wrong, they are feelings but NOBODY has the right to know what is going on with someone else's pregnancy. Doctors won't even tell the biological or other father details unless the mother permits. I don't think that's resenting your existence, its expecting to have control of her own health information.

This. This isn’t keeping you from baby, this is event information about the baby. This is information about her body, that may affect the way she gives birth. And it seems your son knowingly broke her trust to include you. What next ? Secretly texting you about dialated or not her cervix is? Texts so you can feel included in any vaginal tearing she has? Information about her flat nipples and breastfeeding concerns ? Check yourself here. Her medical information is hers and hers alone. Pregnancy is a vulnerable time and a low lying placenta while not a really big deal is worrisome for new mums. It could lead to a section and she’s likes terrified of that. If the two of you aren’t close or
Course she doesn’t want you to know her private medical information you should be checking your son
And reminding him to be a partner that is trustworthy.

As for the rest - how often does your son come visit you? Better yet how often does he visit her parents alone? Share his medical information with them? It’s not her job to do so you aren’t her mother. Your expectations will
Be the death of you.

Well

If I were you I'd stop creating drama over what DIL does and doesn't want others to know

You have no right to that information

Son went ahead and told you and broke trust

So just keep it to yourself and don't worry about it

As for financial support, of it comes with strings you shouldn't have given it. They are people, not a financial investment you are supposed to gain from. Don't tie any of your relationship to gifts either.

Just be supportive, don't ask for alone time with the baby, don't badmouth your DIL and let her deal with her own stress her own way... Understand these are separate and different people to you and they are allowed to do things their own way

MoaningTurtle

Violet Sky

What would you like me to do?
I’ve helped financially to the tune of several thousand pounds, offered to babysit yet have never had any time in our own with our little grandson, always praised her mothering and personally, bought her nice Christmas and Birthday presents, things I know she likes.
I really don’t know what else I can do but am open to suggestions.

She seemed to like me enough when I was helping them out financially, coming over once a week with my grandson, that stopped immediately when we could no longer afford it!

It sounds like your son has no say in anything - or maybe that is the impression he feels comfortable with you having _?

Your comment above - But you're not open to suggestions in the least! You have picked up on several comments and have literally said "what a load of crap".

I'd suggest you go and have a cuppa tea, and come back and read again with an open mind, and see if you can find some things you can work with. First one from me - stop discussing your DIL with other people, including / especially other family! You seem to be building a resentment against her with other DIL's.

Human beings have a right to privacy regarding their bodies. Pregnancy doesn’t change this. She is close to her mother. It isn’t rational to expect the same relationship. Don’t begrudge her the right to confide her personal medical information to whom she trusts the most. No one has the expectation that a man would share his personal medical info with his father in law. Let’s not place these expectations on women.

Your son, though understandably worried, didn’t have a right to share that information without his wife’s knowledge or blessing. It is rough being an expectant parent, whether mother or father, when things do go as planned. But we must respect the boundaries of the patient, and that’s mum here. It’s not your son. Please don’t make this about you. Please respect your DIL’s rights here.

Smileless2012

The d.i.l. is the one who is wrong here Hithere, not the OP's son. She is carrying their child and as the father of that child he has every right to share any news/concerns with his own mother.

The OP feels left out because it appears that her d.i.l. doesn't want her to be included. Her son has every right to confide in his own mother about the progress of the pregnancy of his and his wife's child.

This attitude is thankfully dying. Younger generations have a much more respectful and respectable view of women’s rights. Her body her news her choices.

MoaningTurtle

"Laughing at the rabid feminist replies here. What a load of crap! "

Oh dear...It's nothing specific to feminism!

You are being offered some very pertinent thoughts from other Mums/grandmums who come to realise that many DiL's are a lot closer to their mums than they are to you, and there are many that do not want their husbands to discuss everything with their mothers.

Its being on gransnet that has helped me realise that I am far from alone in needing to tread carefully

because your son's first loyalties are to his wife, not you anymore.

You don't have "rights" in this sense to information if DiL wishes to withhold it. It's really, really important to work on accepting the boundaries.

By all means ask "how are things going" but accept answers. show one and interest but don't demand.

That way you are more likely to get more back.

What can you do?

A lot! If you're willing, of course.

1. Do not ask your son more questions.
Wait for your dil to volunteer the information herself

2. Stop gossiping about your dil with family - however odd others find your dip

2a. Comparisons are deadly
Everybody has his/her own personality and you click or you don't
Forcing it doesn't work

3. Accept that any access you are granted is coming from what they are willing to give you and how much benefit or trouble they get from it

Nobody will cultivate a relationship that just gives grief and conflict

4. You barely see your gs now, expect not to see the new gc much either.

5. Your expectations are yours and yours only - hurt feelings and resentment will poison your future
Go to therapy if you have a hard time adapting to what you are facing right now

6. Don't expect anybody to do anything you want because you did something for them
That is called "gift or favour with strings attached" and it is very manipulative

Start there amd more suggestions can come depending how everything progresses

If your son needs support from his mother for this, he needs to adult and support his wife, not boicot their marital relationship

Son and dil can talk about how both can be supported and who is needed

I am saying this one last time… my so did NOT betray her, he quite reasonably thought it would be ok to tell me, my DIL has no idea that he told me as she asked him not to share after he already had.
Thanks for the opinions but I’m leaving this here now!

Correct, show love and interest. Btw, the fact you have given money is lovely, but doesn't bring "entitlement".

I'd keep the lines of communication open chatting about this and that and other matters and you might get some sharing back.

I really can't see why your son can't share this important information with his own family - yet the daughter can share it with her own mother. What if he had told his that he didn't want her to share the information with her mother? I would have said that was very much controlling behaviour. Where is the harm in you knowing a little bit of what is going on? Your DIL sounds far too controlling for my liking and I really don't blame you for feeling hurt.

Yes it is hurtful Moaning Turtle. You have every right to know what is happening, as much right as the other grandparent. Your son is right to include you. You would have to know sooner or later what was happening anyway. As others have said, the baby is not just hers, it's your Son's as well. Hope all goes well for all your family.

Hithere

If your son was that non confrontational, he would not risk upsetting his wife

However, he is risking a fight with her to make you (or him) happy

That means he is not on the same page with his wife.

Trouble is brewing and won't end well

Exactly. And what is it with certain women making their sons essentially have to pick between what they want and what their wives want? It’s unnatural. It’s not about you anymore. This is the root cause of so many estrangements. It’s emotionally incestuous. It isn’t your son’s job to get his wife in line to fulfill your emotional needs. These young women have a right to make whatever decisions regarding their bodies that they want. That a gran would fancy herself a main point of consideration when these young parents are trying to find their way is problematic. Back off. These situations never end well, and the ones who get the worst of it are the grans who will spend the next few years vilifying and demonizing the daughter/son in law who dared to not fall in line. The young folks move on and live life. Not so on the other side for too many.

Hithere

What can you do?

A lot! If you're willing, of course.

1. Do not ask your son more questions.
Wait for your dil to volunteer the information herself

2. Stop gossiping about your dil with family - however odd others find your dip

2a. Comparisons are deadly
Everybody has his/her own personality and you click or you don't
Forcing it doesn't work

3. Accept that any access you are granted is coming from what they are willing to give you and how much benefit or trouble they get from it

Nobody will cultivate a relationship that just gives grief and conflict

4. You barely see your gs now, expect not to see the new gc much either.

5. Your expectations are yours and yours only - hurt feelings and resentment will poison your future
Go to therapy if you have a hard time adapting to what you are facing right now

6. Don't expect anybody to do anything you want because you did something for them
That is called "gift or favour with strings attached" and it is very manipulative

Start there amd more suggestions can come depending how everything progresses

If your son needs support from his mother for this, he needs to adult and support his wife, not boicot their marital relationship

Son and dil can talk about how both can be supported and who is needed

Well put!!

"my so did NOT betray her, he quite reasonably thought it would be ok to tell me, my DIL has no idea that he told me as she asked him not to share after he already had.
Thanks for the opinions but I’m leaving this here now!"

Your son asking you not tell her he told you is the betrayal

He is covering his ass because he knows that will create trouble

If you are not able to see this simple fact - this is doomed