Feeling left out

I feel your pain Moaning Turtle but I think you have to reframe your relationship with your DIL. There have been some harsh comments on here and I totally get where you are coming from. Your DIL sounds rather spoilt and a bit of a drama Queen to me but it's her body, she is married to your son and they are now a separate family unit. As parents we have to back right off, be a listening ear if required but basically don't make waves as whether we like it or not they hold all the cards regarding time with grandchildren etc. I also wouldn't be giving money (apart from birthdays etc) as it can cause another source of stress and expectation. Stay calm, don't ring asking for news, be pleasant when you hear or see them and you might find that it will all work out in the end.

Violet Sky.
So my son “broke confidence” by telling me about the result of the scan not knowing his wife would kick off about him doing so.
I don’t think so!

Your daughter-in-law has had some news about her pregnancy which has upset her; your son has understandably told you, but his wife didn't want him to share it.

You have immediately posted it on GN.

Not very kind really, is it?

The idea that you don’t count your son’s dishonesty as a betrayal is telling. You believe it’s okay for him to lie to his wife, and for him to encourage you to do so as well. Why is that?

Please take some time and figure out if you expect to be a positive person around the young family during this time as the new family member makes their way into the world. You are a mother. You should still understand how delicate this time can be, especially as the couple will now be finding their new identity as married parents. Do not be a divisive presence in their lives. Remind yourself that this is not about you, and that your role is of a support person or nothing. Whenever you find a reason to speak ill of your DIL, discipline yourself and stop. Remind yourself that your relationship with this baby is through it’s parents only. Remind yourself that your son has to prioritize his wife. You are not an equal consideration here, and that’s okay. I have 3 sons. I understand it can be a weird transition from mum to gran, especially when the wife is not your daughter. But for harmony within the family, put your ego to the side and let your daughter in law navigate her journey as new mum in whatever manner she chooses. In my experience, people don’t forget those who try to make their lives harder in moments they needed support. But they also seldom forget who supports them the most.

May I ask if you expect your son to visit dil's parents, alone, midweek? Tell dils parents of his private medical information?

We've only 4 daughters, we never enquire to our sons-in-law private medical health, nor do we visit them alone/without our daughters being with.

If your son did NOT betray her, as you say, I wonder what he was thinking when he quite unreasonably thought it would be ok to tell you.

Maybe he needed to think about this a bit more - I expect he will be more careful in future with private information if he genuinely didn't see this information as private.

I think it will all blow over and it will all feel more manageable soon.

MoaningTurtle, my advice would be to ask only in general terms about your daughter-in-law and definitely don't discuss anything you feel odd about her with others.

I hope your son and daughter-in-law come to terms with this worrying news and that all goes well for them and their new little one.

Eazybee

And op may have told other people irl - much much worse

Since when medical information is public knowledge?

Well that’s the thing. Some folks are of the mindset that pregnant women have less rights to medical privacy than other patients. Once you become gravid, you must consider everyone else’s feelings when navigating difficult medical setbacks

Jesus Christ I came on here for some opinions and gentle support not for character assassinations on my son and myself.
You know who you are and I truly hope you’re not counsellors or involved with The Samaritans.
Without a doubt you could easily push a distressed and depressed person over the edge!
Shameful.

I think the point is that this isn’t a situation you should find distressing at all from such a personal standpoint. It’s really not about you, and you are placing yourself as a central figure here when this poor couple has received troubling news. It’s more than a bit self-centered that you are more worried about being “in the know” than you are about how this young woman might be feeling. They are worried about the pregnancy. You are bashing your DIL because she feels more comfortable confiding her fears to her own mother than she is with you. Think about that for a second.

Wow!
I have read all the comments Moaning Turtle has made and they illustrate her antipathy and hostility towards her daughter-in-law very clearly.
I cannot see this relationship improving, and just imagine how the son and his wife would feel if they ever saw this thread.
Best to ask for the thread to be taken down.

It’s very common to have a low placenta, the maternity hospital are not in the least bit concerned, it could possibly mean an elective Caesarian hence the 36 week appointment.
My son will be feeling equally anxious but apparently it’s ok for his MIL to know and support him but not his own mother!
No, that isn’t right.

MoaningTurtle

Violet Sky.
So my son “broke confidence” by telling me about the result of the scan not knowing his wife would kick off about him doing so.
I don’t think so!

This is the heart of your problem

Yes he did. When you can accept that things my improve and you will stop upsetting yourself for no reason

I am not removing the post, I have every right to post here.

Violet Sky
Why do you not value my son and his feelings as deeply as my DILs?

Because you and your son are not the ones who are medically pregnant with rights as a patient?

Pregnancy isn’t an illness, I had six of my own!

MoaningTurtle

It’s very common to have a low placenta, the maternity hospital are not in the least bit concerned, it could possibly mean an elective Caesarian hence the 36 week appointment.
My son will be feeling equally anxious but apparently it’s ok for his MIL to know and support him but not his own mother!
No, that isn’t right.

I’m a nurse. Whether or not something is common is of no consequence to a new mum/patient. You talk of major abdominal surgery as though she should just brush it off. It’s her body here. She’s not an incubator. She’s a person. Is that lost on you? And no, your son is not feeling exactly what she is feeling. Do you not see why she wouldn’t exactly feel close to you? You are dismissive and you judge her for basically being a human in this case. Her mother is concerned about her child. You only verbalize concern for your own desires. Of course her mother is her confidant over you. You are a woman and a mother. You are speaking of another woman as though you were a sexist man from the 1800’s. Please work on this. I have to say, you don’t sound like a great support person at all.

I feel for this young woman. I really do. I pray this young family is able to overcome any divisive entities trying cause issues here. I mean, you seem really play into the MIL stereotype here. So many typical quotes have been said. Please don’t continue down this path.

She doesn’t need my support, I am if no interest to her at all 🤨

MoaningTurtle you have my sympathy. There are some very patronising and judgmental comments on this thread.
I did not get on particularly well with my domineering mother in law, but accepted that when carrying my children, her blood, DNA etc. ran through me. Some people here seem to forget that you are RELATED to your grandchildren. Grandparents are now being given rights to see their grandchildren, which is right and proper. It is not only all about the mother, whole families should be involved, without being too pressing of course.

It’s ridiculous to counterclaim that the son should likewise tell his in laws of his medical state. He’s not carrying the flesh and blood baby.
It’s common and natural for DILs not to get on with MILs, but each can show each other respect and understanding.
To my mind, the DIL has slipped up when it would have been so easy to keep the relationship sweeter. It’s not rocket science.

MoaningTurtle

Pregnancy isn’t an illness, I had six of my own!

Do you expect your son to divulge his private medical information to his in-laws? Also, do you expect your son to visit his pils alone?

Hithere

Because you and your son are not the ones who are medically pregnant with rights as a patient?

What Hithere said

If son wants to tell you his wife's health issues, he needs to discuss with her

I am not saying you do not have the right to post.
I am saying if your son and daughter should see this thread they would be devastated by the deeply personal information you have revealed.
It explains why your daughter in law does not want her medical details discussed with you.

Iyle

You sound like a harsh person, not good for a nurse.