Feeling left out

Easy her
She would have to be psychic then as I’m sure she doesn’t go on gransbet lol.

MoaningTurtle

Iyle

You sound like a harsh person, not good for a nurse.

This is unnecessary

You asked for opinions

Lyle hasn't asked for your opinion on their ability to do their job

MoaningTurtle

She doesn’t need my support, I am if no interest to her at all 🤨

Then leave her be and stop feeling entitled to her child and her personal info. Why do you think you have rights here?

MoaningTurtle

I am saying this one last time… my so did NOT betray her, he quite reasonably thought it would be ok to tell me, my DIL has no idea that he told me as she asked him not to share after he already had.
Thanks for the opinions but I’m leaving this here now!

I think people missed that bit - the fact he'd already told you before she asked him not to!

Which means he's not betraying a trust, and you're left knowing a detail you're not supposed to know. It's not that unusual for a son to confide in his mother and, in this instance, your son probably didn't do a lot of soul-searching before he told you. I don't think men always think too deeply about such things.

Your feelings are valid in that they are your feelings. There's obviously a 'history' between you and your DIL - which we are not, here on GN, party to. And that, of course, makes it difficult to give an opinion that has any real merit.

My advice would be to take a step back and try to see it from her POV - her feelings are as valid as yours, regardless.

She is carrying your son's child. However, her body is still her private property and she has a right to decide who is or isn't informed about the details - they are personal.

I didn't get on very well with my DIL - ultimately I realised that we were both very different people with different outlooks and I learned to respect the fact that we were not duty-bound to see eye to eye. We had a reasonable relationship in the end and we both made the effort to bond over the things that we did agree on, which gradually broke down the barriers somewhat and we got on as best we could. And I got to see my grandsons - she was quite happy to leave them with me to have grandparent-grandchildren time together. I'm talking in the past tense because she and my son are now going their separate ways. But I shall still maintain a relationship with her, and we've already communicated on a superficial level, but established that we are both going to be civilised about the whole matter.

I hope the pregnancy goes well and that you get to meet your new GC in the not too distant future. If you are pleasant and civilised with her then you know you are doing the right thing. The rest is up to her. Give her another chance.

MoaningTurtle

Iyle

You sound like a harsh person, not good for a nurse.

Retired but I was a great nurse in the US for decades. I’ll tell you one of the reasons: When I did L&D, and we had entitled individuals that clearly didn’t respect patient wishes, I was proud to act as a barrier for my pregnant patients. I sympathize with your DIL. I really feel for her.

hollysteers

MoaningTurtle you have my sympathy. There are some very patronising and judgmental comments on this thread.
I did not get on particularly well with my domineering mother in law, but accepted that when carrying my children, her blood, DNA etc. ran through me. Some people here seem to forget that you are RELATED to your grandchildren. Grandparents are now being given rights to see their grandchildren, which is right and proper. It is not only all about the mother, whole families should be involved, without being too pressing of course.

It’s ridiculous to counterclaim that the son should likewise tell his in laws of his medical state. He’s not carrying the flesh and blood baby.
It’s common and natural for DILs not to get on with MILs, but each can show each other respect and understanding.
To my mind, the DIL has slipped up when it would have been so easy to keep the relationship sweeter. It’s not rocket science.

It’s not rocket science that being pregnant doesn’t entitle others to knowing details of your body. It’s 2023. I’m sorry you are struggling with these basic realizations, but the rest of society has moved on. The daughter in law doesn’t have to concern herself with appeasing anyone right now, least of all an uncaring, critical mother in law.

And let’s be clear on grandparent “rights”. They don’t legally exist in the UK, and what visitation is given is based on already established, regular relationships that have been abruptly stopped. Do not delude any entitled grans here into thinking they have rights over anyone’s babies. They don’t. Ask the thousands who overplayed their hand and forever lost contact. Please don’t encourage this nonsense toxicity.

Lyle

The amazing stories you could tell!

Thanks for standing up for your patients

lyleLyle I’m struggling with the basic realisation as a nurse, that you do not understand people are actually blood related to each other and might be interested in what happens to their family.
And how do we get to the idea that the OP is an uncaring, critical MIL? She may not be perfect, mine certainly wasn’t, but she feels saddened by the situation. There is not enough proof to be so accusatory.
No automatic rights for grandparents, true, but application can be made (Childrens Act 1989 as I’m sure you know).

lyleLyle “I was a great nurse in the US”
Self praise is no recommendation.

Hithere

Lyle

The amazing stories you could tell!

Thanks for standing up for your patients

You wouldn’t believe how families can get baby rabies lol. I understand the excitement but my duty as an RN was to my patients. I’ve escorted many a mum and mother in law outside the room.

I was distracted from posting due to a neighbour situation.
I was about to say that this was about miscommunication inasmuch as OP asked about the scan, son responded then realised wife wanted to keep these things to herself, understandably. Son asked OP not to say he told her medical details.
So a misunderstanding, no real harm done, relationships are not permanently damaged.
Perhaps OP has a different relationship with her other dils but would suggest discussing this dil with others is not a good idea.
Dickens puts it well I will say no more.

doesn't matter how interested blood relations might be, the patient's autonomy is paramount.
well done that nurse for protecting the patient's privacy.
women are not breeding stock, to be looked over by farmers rearing a herd.

hollysteers

lyleLyle I’m struggling with the basic realisation as a nurse, that you do not understand people are actually blood related to each other and might be interested in what happens to their family.
And how do we get to the idea that the OP is an uncaring, critical MIL? She may not be perfect, mine certainly wasn’t, but she feels saddened by the situation. There is not enough proof to be so accusatory.
No automatic rights for grandparents, true, but application can be made (Childrens Act 1989 as I’m sure you know).

Whether or not people are interested in a patient’s information is not my concern as a nurse. My clinical, legal and ethical obligation was to ensure I played no role in disseminating protected health information outside of my duties, or my patient’s wishes. You can believe it or not. Makes zero difference in any aspect of life.

As a mother and grandmother, I cannot wrap my head around going to the internet bashing my daughter in law for being closer to her mother and sharing private medical information with whom she chooses. As a woman I cannot fathom being so stuck in the past that I would even dare to think a pregnant woman has fewer rights to privacy than any other patient. The OP’s own posts sound uncaring and critical. That’s not merely an accusation out of nowhere. She has no care for what the couple’s feelings. Only for what she feels she’s entitled too.

As far as you encouraging the very damaging submissions of applications for visitation, go look up some stats on the success rates. Look at the rare “winners” and how little to no enforcement is done. As I said, trying to convince people that they are entitled to other people’s babies is toxic and quite low on the success spectrum as far as outcomes. Nothing positive. The OP’s daughter in law already does not feel as close. What’s your end game here? To make the daughter in law estrange the OP? To encourage the OP to create rifts between her son and his wife with demands? And some of you wonder why you push the younger generations away smh. Toxic mentalities.

You wouldn’t believe how families can get baby rabies

Yes we can believe - look to the silly baby rabies posts on GN.

welbeck

doesn't matter how interested blood relations might be, the patient's autonomy is paramount.
well done that nurse for protecting the patient's privacy.
women are not breeding stock, to be looked over by farmers rearing a herd.

True. Or as our daughters proclaim "I'm not just a uterus."

Just googled baby rabies, had never heard the expression.
I learn something every day on GN.

The progress of your daughter in law’s pregnancy is a very personal matter. She shares the details with whoever she chooses and a mother in law has no right to be given these very private details. My son shared with me only to the extent agreed and I expected no more. I was grateful for the details entrusted to me. If you expect so much and even start a thread on GN about your (totally unwarranted) disappointment, I don’t have great hopes for your relationships with your son, daughter in law or grandchild. You need to understand that you don’t have the entitlement you seem to expect.

Good heavens GSM we agree....

😊 wyllow

hollysteers

lyleLyle I’m struggling with the basic realisation as a nurse, that you do not understand people are actually blood related to each other and might be interested in what happens to their family.
And how do we get to the idea that the OP is an uncaring, critical MIL? She may not be perfect, mine certainly wasn’t, but she feels saddened by the situation. There is not enough proof to be so accusatory.
No automatic rights for grandparents, true, but application can be made (Childrens Act 1989 as I’m sure you know).

Being blood related and interested doesn’t make one entitled to a damn thing. Op can be as interested i her daughter in-laws pregnancy as she wants. She’s entitled to not an iota of knowledge about it. As its dils body. What is so hard to understand about this? Lyle I’m sure you were of great comfort to many vulnerable laboring and fresh mums - and a thorn to the overbearing entitles to grandmas who think they’re a main character in these new families and aren’t

Exactly Dickens. MoaningTurtle's son told her the results of the scan before he knew that his wife didn't want him to do so. It's a shame that he was unable/unwilling to tell his wife he'd already done so, but MoaningTurtle has already posted, as early as page 1 I think, that he doesn't like confrontation.

To avoid any potential unpleasantness, she's agreed not to let her d.i.l. know she knows. Seems perfectly reasonable to me that a) her son told her b) in the circumstances she's agreed to keep quiet and c) that she finds her d.i.l.'d attitude hurtful.

Finding it hurtful that someone chooses to only confide personal, medical info to their mother and husband is quite self-centered. What’s going on with this young woman’s body is not about the OP. When we make ourselves the center of another person’s personal issues, we need to self-reflect.

When we make ourselves the center of another person's personal issues, we need to self reflect yes we do and that includes dictating to one''s husband/wife/partner what they can and cannot tell their own mother.

It doesn’t when that info concerns one person’s body and not the other. You don’t get to “confide” in your mummy about your spouse’s body. And frankly, I’m not sure how that’s anyone’s business but the couple’s.

Furthermore, the fact that the son told his mum not to share or means he understands he may have violated his wife’s right to privacy before thinking. Who is anyone here to say he is wrong to respect his wife’s privacy? Certainly no one who isn’t interested in instigating a rift between the couple.