Feeling left out

I wasn't clear from the OP whether you knew your DIL was pregnant. If you did know of the pregnancy, then I cannot see why your DS should not share with you the fact that the scan showed all was as it should be. I can understand your DIL not wanting to share the concern over the low placenta. Her body, her choice. Still, the fact he shared it before he knew her wishes is hardly a hanging offence. If you knew she was pregnant I would express pleasure that all is well, provided your DS tells her he told you all was well. No need to mention the placenta. If you didn't know, then stay silent. She can't hide it forever.
Perhaps her mother had a similar problem in pregnancy and she, the DIL, doesn't want people fussing over her. Relax about it all and enjoy the forthcoming pleasure of a grandchild. Your DS though should explain to her that he wants you to know that all is well.
Be thankful she doesn't come to see you as a low placenta can be a risk for mother and baby. At least you can't be blamed should the worst occur. Sorry to be a bit morbid there but if there is a risk people around her need to know just in case expert help is needed.

Hitgere, This is not a selling of state secrets or betraying intimate details of their marriage. What a ridiculous over reaction, he is a grown man and quite capable of making his own decisions. It’s his child as much as hers.

If he is such a grown man, why does he need his mother's support this much?

The thing is, if people want good relationships with the younger family members.... People have boundaries these days. Whether or not you agree with them, following them will mean a wonderful mutually respectful relationship... And not, well not having that

It’s her body. His rights come in to play after the birth, not before. If he realized after the mistake that he needs to respect his wife’s privacy, why are so many banging on about the dynamics of their marriage as if there is something that they need to change/fix? He didn’t ask for relationship advice. His mother is the one asking for validation on her entitlement. What makes anyone here think he needs to create a rift with his wife to appease his mother? Too many of you think you need to tell your sons about their wives. You desires are not equal to your daughter in laws in your sons’ marriage. Why encourage the OP to think so?

Smileless2012

^When we make ourselves the center of another person's personal issues, we need to self reflect^ yes we do and that includes dictating to one''s husband/wife/partner what they can and cannot tell their own mother.

Would you so staunchly defend this young women’s right to share intimate details of her husbands penis/speed count wit her father or think it’s his medical information to share at his will? While your own arrangement is sad it seems to cloud your judgement into thinking grandmother are never ever wrong and entitled to all sort with which they are not

That’s actually a great question, Grams2five.

If the young couple were struggling with fertility, and the young man’s sperm count was low, is it okay for his wife to share with her mother? After all, she’s a potential loving granny who is interested in what’s going on. She blood related to the wife, and her chances at being a gran are affected. Does the son no longer have reproductive medical privacy, or does that only count if you’re a daughter in law who is close to her own mum?

Or if husband was impotent and that is why she is not getting pregnant

Sharing details of your husband's sperm count isn't the same thing at all Grams2five. The OP knows her d.i.l. is oregnant, knew she was having a scan and understandably had asked if all was well.

As for whether or not my personal circumstances cloud my judgement, I've been thinking the same about some of the responses here.

The mother, m.i.l. or GM are always wrong, even when they're not.

They are wrong when they are wrong Smileless

No one has a weird vendetta against MILs in general, most of us either already are or soon to be one ourselves

Remember children become parents, become grandparents

Mutual respect between adults is easy when you aren't placing yourself as some sort of matriarch setting the rules others must obey

Knowing a person is pregnant makes one entitled to details? That’s new.

Regarding the sperm count, what if couple had previously shared plans to conceive? If they previously told the family they were going to try for a baby, should family then be entitled to the details regarding why the conception hadn’t happened? Should the parents in law be made aware that the reason they aren’t yet grandparents is because their son in law had a low count? Of course not. No spouse has the right to speak about the other’s private medical info without a blessing from spouse being discussed. The young husband quickly realized this. The OP shouldn’t be upset that he is prioritizing his wife’s wishes. She should be proud.

The thing that baffles me the most is that the people here who are able to understand the DILs perspective are likely the ones able to help OP achieve a wonderful relationship

Whereas the other advice will achieve the opposite.

Why would anyone gladly help someone destroy their relationship?

Someone make it make sense

Nobody is entitled to someone else’s medical information. In fact, not even the father can demand information if the pregnant woman says no.

Pregnancy is not equal. Nature, unfortunately, didn’t design it that way. So, no, the father doesn’t have equal rights to disclose private medical information, because it’s not his. Their baby, her body.

The idea that a party twice removed could demand medical information due to being related to the secondary party is horrifying, frankly. Privacy laws are thankfully a thing.

I can’t imagine my husband running around giving out my personal medical information. We always agreed on what was to be shared, and to whom, before any calls were made. Or weren’t, as the case may be. I never had to ask him not to tell anyone, because his attitude was always, “You’re the pregnant one, it’s your choice.”

People share sensitive information with those they trust. The DIL clearly doesn’t trust the OP. If there’s any hope for a relationship in the future, that’s where the focus should be: figuring out why there’s no trust, and working to repair the situation.

VioletSky

They are wrong when they are wrong Smileless

No one has a weird vendetta against MILs in general, most of us either already are or soon to be one ourselves

Remember children become parents, become grandparents

Mutual respect between adults is easy when you aren't placing yourself as some sort of matriarch setting the rules others must obey

Spot on.

I feel for you, but if I was your daughter in law, I would be furious with my husband if he told you something I’d specifically asked him not to.
Not that I did want to keep anything from my mother in law. but if I had have done, I would expect my feelings to be respected.
Her own mum is, and probably always will be closer to her.

Agree

The mother, m.i.l. or GM are always wrong, even when they're not.

Interesting thought!

I'm a Daughter, Dil, Mum, Mil, GM, GGM - it's not that a title matters. If you're wrong or right is what matters. The OP is quite wrong in this GM view (and many other GM who have posted on this thread).

He didn't know when he told his mum Sara, which is why he then told her not to let her d.i.l. know that she knew.

So he knew he made a mistake in not checking with his wife/the patient first. And knowing couldn’t take it back, asked his mother not to repeat the information he wife didn’t want him to share. Mistakes happen. I’m just trying to figure out how the daughter in law is wrong in this scenario, aside from her mother in law deciding she shouldn’t be to be autonomous over her own medical information.

Which doesn't entitle OP to information in the future

It's just now she knows she won't be getting it unless husband betrays wife...

If OP wants husband to betray wife and feed her information that's about as unhealthy as you can get

Wife has set a boundary husband should respect

I would have absolutely agreed that the dad had equal say over these types of decisions .... until I had a child myself.

It's the mother who grows the baby from a bunch of cells into a full human being, it's her that suffers all the symptoms of pregnancy. She is the one whose body gets stretched and scarred while that baby grows inside her and feels exhausted and depleted because the baby is taking all the nutrients it needs from her body. She is the one who puts her life on the line to bring that baby into the world then spends the next couple of months bleeding, exhausted and trying to navigate changing hormones while people 'demand' time to come and see the baby she has birthed. Let's face it, she will also likely take the majority of childcare, often still feeding the baby from her own body, and generally be the 'default' parent. And what does dad do? He is a spectator for all this and just has to try to support his wife as best he can.

If she doesn't want to share then she doesn't want to share and that should be respected. If she shares with her own mother, it's because they have a lifetime of memories and trust built together so it's natural that she will go to the woman she most trusts in the world for advice on how to navigate pregnancy. Plus the fact, her mother is most concerned about 'her' baby, in this case DIL.

Cut her some slack, she is not as close to you as her own mother and that is ok, it's not a competition. You will likely find she will want her mother will have more involvement when baby is born as well and that is perfectly ok too. It's hers and baby's recovery period.

If you want to be involved more then be as supportive as you can to her and see what SHE needs as opposed to being only focused on the pregnancy and baby. I would focus more on empathy than how annoyed you are over not being prioritised when it comes to news. I wouldn't bombard her with calls and messages all the time, just let her know you are there and see how you can support.

Smileless2012

He didn't know when he told his mum Sara, which is why he then told her not to let her d.i.l. know that she knew.

And THAT, imo, is completely wrong of him. He should be honest with his wife, tell her that he’d already spoken with his mother, but from now on, he’ll ensure she’s okay with whatever is being shared.

When she finds out (and she will, this stuff has a way of coming out) chances are she’s going to be hurt and furious with both of them. Human nature being what it is, the OP will end up wearing it, because they have to live with each other.

Exactly, mq

I think he should have just told his wife he'd told you already and apologised for jumping the gun. This whole scenario has come about because of a miscommunication between them. It's a little naughty of him to feel the right response is to hide it from his wife and it puts you in a bit of an awkward position as you now have to choose to appease your son and play act with your DIL or accidentally drop your son in it by mentioning something about it at a later date. Though the circumstances in which you and dil might discuss such a thing is quite low by the sounds of it, which is probably why your son told you to keep it shh.

I don't think it's fair to be upset about receiving intimate details - most people share these details with confidants for reassurance for themselves. It's not really about the baby it's about being worried about the delivery and just needing mummy or a friend to say "it'll be okay."

Let's be honest if he'd have replied like my husband would have, "all good, baby healthy." We wouldn't be having this conversation and you'd be content.

If you are are mil, speak when you are spoken to, talk about the weather, smile, don't expect invites, do not be upset if you are not included in family occasions etc. Smile. Do not send gifts etc unless cleared by Dil. Best to post gifts because if you not invited you must not just drop in they could be busy. The day they married is the day you are supposed to know your place which is nowhere and smile. Make a new life for yourself. That is what certain people advocate, thank goodness I've got a normal Dil .