Feeling left out

How would you have expected to be ‘involved’ in someone else’s pregnancy Bluedaisy? ‘^I only wanted to be involved ^.’ I just don’t get it.

I think your son made a mistake when he told you the results of the scan but I don't suppose he meant to "betray" his wife or violate her privacy. I do think he should have told his wife though that he had told you when she asked him not to reveal the results. That would have been the morally right thing to do and he could have reassured her that he would not make that mistake again in the future. That would be far less damaging than lying to her by omission even if he doesn't like confrontation.

I understand totally
I am in the same situation
It is hurtful and we are the Grandparents and should be just as much involved as the other Grandparents

Oh, the entitlement on this thread! I’m a paternal grandmother - I don’t recognise myself here, thank goodness.

Did Hithere get out the wrong side of the bed ?

No need I am sure to give your opinion quite so forcibly - if I were MT I would feel quite hurt

VERY few women want the same degree of closeness with their MIL as with their biological mother. Respect her and let her have some privacy.

Your son is in a difficult position here. His wife has given him full details but asked him not to share them. If she discovers( by a slip of the tongue maybe) that he has disrespected her wishes then she may even stop sharing info with him - at the least it will cause upset between them. I think it's natural for her to want to share all with her mum as she's obviously closer to her than you and I think your son did the wrong thing, howeverwell intentioned, in breaking her trust.

I do think it is perfectly natural for the dil to confide in her own mum. I presume this is their first child? Things will ease when she’s had one or two more😂😂- just be patient - your son and his wife are making their life as a new family. Let them do that - they’ll make mistakes like we all did- stand back and wait - your dil also has to learn that she is now part of 2 families- your son must help and ensure that she does - with her as his important number one. All the best xx

Im going to say this as a DIL who’s MIL invaded my every waking minute when my son was born last year. My Mil Cried over me not wanting her at my birth (to me its highly inappropriate to have my mil looking at my nether-regions..)

Cast your mind back. As a pregnant woman you are vulnerable and at your my delicate stage of life (i was). I tried to involve my MIL when I was pregnant she didnt wanna know. She wasn’t ready to be a grandparent frankly I wish I read that warning sign early as the minute she sulked when we showed her a scan photo, she sat and glared at me for an hour solid and cried her crocodile tears sulking, then he was born she turned into an absolute nutter.
She was possessive, wanted full control, wanted to be out the house 3/5 days a week. Was demanding sleepovers the minute he was born, wanted share of the primary responsibility of him. She even went as far as trying to talk me into bottles and to not support me in EBF as it meant she couldn’t give a him a bottle and spend time alone with him despite her BF’ding all her 3 kids! Then she wondered why I have PNA around her all the time and I have a very unstable relationship with her. My son cried as a newborn the minute she picked him up because she was frantic and so unhinged around him; but he’s now 1 and STILL isn’t keen on her and not because of my feelings but because she’s thrust herself and her desire to be his no1 woman onto him from day 1. Id often say no to something she demanded, she’d ignore me completely or would cry and sulk like a child scorned trying to get her own way.

Step back and just think. Is this how I’m going to react if they say no to something when the babies born?? Can you support them in a way thats not too over familiar?
If they set boundaries/rules down am I going to likely just overstep them anyway or try too overstep them at least? Just imagine and think if I YOU were the pregnant woman here and your MIL was demanding to know things how would you feel?

Good grief! A mil wanting to be at the birth! 😱

If the placenta is very low she may loose this pregnancy. I experienced extreme bleeding when I had this but thankfully against all odds DC was born full term and healthy. Perhaps that's why she only wants her mum to know.

Comparing 10 minutes of intercourse including ejaculated with 9 month gestation is very insulting

ejaculation

Livey

According to a % of this forum, I always get up from the wrong size of the bed

I got up on the wrong side of the universe this morning

Germanshepherdsmum

Good grief! A mil wanting to be at the birth! 😱

PERSONALLY to me it was inappropriate her staring at my bits. If I didn’t have my mum I would have likely asked but then again I would have probably asked my sister as Id want someone I trusted with looking at my body.

My mums a midwife so I wanted her there full stop; as I trusted her profusely not just as my mother but as a professional in the field of childbirth! I look at my MIL’s behaviour after and I’m glad she wasn’t there now as I think from that point she would have been an absolute nightmare. I told her to not share it on fb till we got chance too and she went behind our backs and did it anyways 🙈🙈

I would also find that hurtful . One of my DiLs has just had a miscarriage and our DS has been on the phone in Teams a couple of times about it we are glad he canvshare with us and so then he can support his wife properly. Tread very carefully herë though one of our otgr DSs is completely estranged from us due to a supposed slight on his wife . You must be very careful . Estrangemnet almost seems to be a fashion at the moment it's done so easily. Honestly without the blink of an eye especially when it's the paternal side - or so it seems . I hope all goes well and you are kept on board as it were .

What if dil had other medical conditions that affect her pregnancy? Would that be also part of what some posters would need to know?

For example: diabetes, epilepsy, std, heart issues, etc

MoaningTurtle - never mind about your d.i.l. resenting your existence. It’s when your son does it too, it’s time to worry. I came close to it a few years ago (with my middle son).
I could be wrong here, but in my case, I blame d.i.l.’s mother. It’s her only child and she was so possessive. I think she stirred the pot. She’s doing the same with the grandchildren. I don’t see them as often as I would like. But that’s the way it goes…..although, I must say, my daughter was very fair to her parents-in-law when her children were born.

You asked for an example of the tone that's been set on this thread VS and must have missed lyleLyle's post that was just before yours "She sounds downright evil". I mean really!!!

Have you read the thread knspol? The OP's son was told by his wife not to tell his mum, after he'd done so. Why on earth would any woman want to stop sharing details about her pregnancy with her husband, the father of their child? Good grief what a strange world we appear to be living in.

That must have been extremely stressful KMoo but there's nothing I can see that suggests the OP has any desire to as overbearing as your m.i.l.. Contacting her son to ask how the scan she knew her d.i.l. was having had gone, is hardly "demanding to know things" is it.

I think you're right eddiecat "one of the many who will be seen to be in the wrong by their d.i.l. no matter what she does". They may well be m's.i.l. themselves one day to their son's wives and no doubt will hope for better treatment.

Good advice Blueday, where there's a will there's a way.

That's a good point sazzl although he did tell his mum that they weren't worried which is good to know. I don't see though why if a son does have any worries he's condemned for sharing them with his own mother.

There was a post earlier in reference to this about his "mummy". Strange isn't it that there's a suggestion that a man who confides in his mum is a 'mummy's boy' but a woman who confides in her mum is never seen as a 'mummy's girl'.

Such a shame when some see a man's close and loving relationship with his mother as a threat.

HappyZebra

I think he should have just told his wife he'd told you already and apologised for jumping the gun. This whole scenario has come about because of a miscommunication between them. It's a little naughty of him to feel the right response is to hide it from his wife and it puts you in a bit of an awkward position as you now have to choose to appease your son and play act with your DIL or accidentally drop your son in it by mentioning something about it at a later date. Though the circumstances in which you and dil might discuss such a thing is quite low by the sounds of it, which is probably why your son told you to keep it shh.

I don't think it's fair to be upset about receiving intimate details - most people share these details with confidants for reassurance for themselves. It's not really about the baby it's about being worried about the delivery and just needing mummy or a friend to say "it'll be okay."

Let's be honest if he'd have replied like my husband would have, "all good, baby healthy." We wouldn't be having this conversation and you'd be content.

Good post.

So sorry about your d.i.l.'s miscarriage Soozikinzi. It's great that he can share his pain with you and have your support, as that will without a doubt help him to support his wife.

They might be Hithere if the OP thought they were relevant or are you trying to suggest that we do know where everyone's anonymous, shouldn't have been mentioned? Questions are often asked of the OP for more information; you do so yourself.

There are so many threads just lately on paternal grandparents/feeling hurt/left out etc. There’s a bit of everything in my family (as in most families) paternal/maternal grandparents, step grandchildren, relationship breakdown, strained relationship with DIL etc. I’ve felt hurt, elated, and everything else in between. But I’ve learnt one thing along the way, as a mother you are everything to your children and they are to you - just as it should be. When your children have children themselves that changes - their own children and their partner take that place. Again, that’s just as it should be. It may lead to some hurt and upset, but when this happens it’s my secret sorrow. I put up, shut up, and have a private little cry. Realising I’m not indispensable anymore is tough, but it means you’re a success as a parent. I love my grandchildren dearly and have great fun with them, but I don’t expect them to want to live in my pocket, or their parents to share intimate things with me. Please don’t be a MIL that becomes someone to be avoided. Be cheerful and supportive and you will get it back in spades

Smileless I asked for an example of me defending the undefendable

I think "Rabid feminists" and "talking crap"

Is a pretty horrible thing to say to anyone who is trying to help OP gain better relationships

There are many feminists on gransnet

Are you not one Smileless?