Feeling left out

I’m not at all close to my mother, and wouldn’t have confided in her at all.
But I know my daughters have resented any ‘interference’ from in-laws, however kindly meant.
It’s a tricky relationship, best to just take things slowly, and never presume.

Agreed, HZ.

I had to have surgery and was in the hospital almost a week during a pregnancy. Close friends knew, but none of our families did. Everybody was in another time zone, and having to deal with other people freaking out over what was going on was the extreme LAST thing we needed. I don’t know if Dh ever told his mother about it, actually. She was very prone to hysterics, and it was exhausting to deal with.

I think the OP has left the building, It pays to read through all the comments on these types of posts that ask for an opinion - often the author will come back with more information which sometimes puts a different gloss on the original question.

I agree with those who believe that a pregnant woman should have complete ownership of the medical information relating to her pregnancy. I do think though that some comments were unnecessarily abrasive and 'finger-wagging' in tone which is why the OP is possibly no longer reading!

I agree MercuryQueen and HappyZebra and posted earlier on the thread that he should have told his wife he'd already told his mother. It really shouldn't be a big deal should it, but it seems in this case that it would be.

"I do think though that some comments were unnecessarily abrasive and 'finger wagging' in tone which is why the OP is probably no longer reading!" I agree Dickens.

It should be possible to express opinions regardless of how strongly one feels without alienating the OP.

Reading some of the posts here on GN, it certainly does seem that way Allsorts.

Although I’ve been a member for a while and post now and then I’ve never started a thread, especially if I’ve got an issue of some sort which I may need help with.

Some (not all) posters on here round up on the OP like a pack of wolves. One in particular can always be depended upon be particularly nasty.

Keyboard warriors who are probably nice as pie in the real world.

Allsorts

If you are are mil, speak when you are spoken to, talk about the weather, smile, don't expect invites, do not be upset if you are not included in family occasions etc. Smile. Do not send gifts etc unless cleared by Dil. Best to post gifts because if you not invited you must not just drop in they could be busy. The day they married is the day you are supposed to know your place which is nowhere and smile. Make a new life for yourself. That is what certain people advocate, thank goodness I've got a normal Dil .

Oh bullocks the melodrama! When our children are adults and form their only families , be they sons or daughters we should absolutely know our own place - Which is that if secondary supporting roles. The key to doing that job well is to let the new family play the main parts fully. No matter their gender - follow their lead, respect who they are and their choices even when they aren’t the ones we would make , and never presume that they don’t want what’s best for themselves or their children. And ur roles as supporting characters are lovely and can provide rich details to their lives and ours but try simply aren’t essential. Taking that role after decades as the main characters in our children’s story is a transition for sure but a worthwhile one to do right, lest we find ourselves written out if their story entirely.

I have three daughters in law, and two sons in law. One dil lives some
Distance a way and we get along well enough and see them when travel allows. One lives quite close and is truly my extra daughter, we share several interests and are blessed with a quite close relrsruonahio , and a rhird whom I wouldn’t have chosen myself , were quite different people and yet we get on fine , and have a polite, good natured relationship, in part because I’ve learned to know my role - and to recognize that the important things aren’t my so called “rights” as many here insist they have, or entitlement if any sort but the important part - the only part that matters is that my son adores her, and she him. She’s everything he hoped for ina. Wife and an outstanding mother. So at the end of the day my support role on the outside is my part to play, not nowhere but certainly not in rfheir spotlight r as director.

I feel that communication is an issue here and I can sense that you’re taking issue with your DIL. I’d try and encourage open communication with not just your son, but with your DIL too. I can recall my MIL complaining about not being kept informed, but she hadn’t made any (very little) effort with me at all during pregnancy, there was no checking in or interest in hearing anything from me… there was a huge shift when I fell pregnant, where she no longer made effort to contact me, and only had contact with my husband. She only wanted to know when her grandchild was arriving and I truly felt used as a vessel for producing grandchildren. Unfortunately the distant relationship continued after birth and we as a family have a poorer relationship with them because of it. In light of this, I’d encourage you to mend or build on the communication between you and your son and DIL (together).

I also don’t understand why your DIL is deliberately keeping the scan private, it’s normally celebrated. But she clearly feels that there is a reason for it… have they had a previous loss? Does she have antenatal anxiety? If your not close, I can’t imagine anyone sharing something that makes them feel incredibly vulnerable.

"Oh bollocks the melodrama!" I agree Grams2five. An expectant father shares news about his wife's scan and you'd think it was the end of the world because he didn't ask his wife's permission first.

MoaningTurtle

Laughing at the rabid feminist replies here. What a load of crap!
The baby is 50% my son’s and fyi I’m only concerned that the pregnancy is going well for all of them.
My son had already told immediately after the scan, I guess he thought it wouldn’t be a problem which is why he’s asked me not to mention it.

To be fair, OP wasn't very polite

If DIL wanting control over her own medical information is responded too like this, there will be ongoing issues

OP's d.i.l. hasn't been responded too like this, that post is in response to some of the replies she's received.

If her d.i.l. wants total control over who can and cannot be given any information about the pregnancy, she needs to make that clear from the outset.

Scan results as Abi has posted are usually shared and celebrated. The son did nothing wrong, he didn't know. The OP feels left out and that's not a crime either.

I did say "if"

And there were other quite rude replies

I think OP would be better off asking for support instead of asking for genuine answers...

Actually Smileless

I would challenge you to reread the first page where not a single person was rude to OP and OP has made the rudest comments on this thread starting with the one I quoted

Shame, interesting thread, I hope something did sink in and she can manage to have a good relationship with them

I suggest you reread the entire thread VS if you think the OP has made the rudest comments here.

I agree it's a shame the thread's gone the way it has and like you I hope she's found some of the replies useful and that mum, dad and GM can look forward too and enjoy their new arrival.

MercuryQueen

Smileless2012

He didn't know when he told his mum Sara, which is why he then told her not to let her d.i.l. know that she knew.

And THAT, imo, is completely wrong of him. He should be honest with his wife, tell her that he’d already spoken with his mother, but from now on, he’ll ensure she’s okay with whatever is being shared.

When she finds out (and she will, this stuff has a way of coming out) chances are she’s going to be hurt and furious with both of them. Human nature being what it is, the OP will end up wearing it, because they have to live with each other.

Indeed, the son should have told his wife when he spoke out of turn, perhaps he could be convinced to tell her now. Clear the issue and promise to never reveal private information again?

There seem to be other small issues as well. OP wondering at dil not visiting without son - apparently, she's not comfortable with his mum, visits with son make sense. Does son visit his mil alone?

And something I haven't sussed out regarding a GC seems to be a problem for OP. Perhaps she could clarify with her son?

I'd guess clearing the air with her son may help a bit with any small misunderstandings. And keeping a low profile, not pushing.

Yes I do think that Smileless, or that she at least set the tone of the thread with that comment sadly

You don't agree, that's ok but I do think you defend the undefendable at times

I think you defend the undefendable at times too VS and don't agree that the tone of the thread was set by the comment you quoted.

The tone of this thread is unfortunately quite common in my experience when a situation like this is discussed.

It would be better I agree Norah for the OP's son to tell his wife he'd already told his mother but when I suggested this earlier on, she did say he doesn't like conflict which makes me wonder why it would be such an issue to his wife.

Surely she realises that her husband's mother, a future GM to their child is understandably interested and excited about the baby and will want to know that all is well. It would no doubt be wrong if she wasn't.

Calling people rabid feminists, or using the term feminists as an insult in general is wildly inappropriate.

Complaining that an adult woman gets to control the flow of her own medical information is wildly inappropriate.

Not saying a single kind or concerned thing about a worried expectant mother who is actually your family is callous.

Dismissing her potential worries by stating how many children you’ve had is callous. Gives the clear impression you only look at her for what is growing inside her. Shameful.

Seeing all those comments and defending them while criticizing others is the height if hypocrisy, from the usual suspects of course. Many with their own hatreds of their daughters in law, giving responses that are sure to further the OP’s family rifts. Same people always giving “advice” to OPs about what they need to tell their sons about their wives.

Some people offer comments that favor peaceful relations. Others offer comments that seek to have others join the club of aggrieved family members.

Sadly I think this GM is one of the many who will be seen to be in the wrong by her dil no matter what she does. If she shows interest in the scan she is invading privacy -if she shows no interest she'll probably be accused of being uncaring (been there, done that)

I love all the conclusions about the daughter in law, even though we’ve only heard from a very entitled soon to be gran. All because she shockingly goes to see her own parents every week, and feels secure confiding in her own mum and husband. She sounds downright evil

Heavens! Isn’t life complicated these days!? So many opinions on various ‘rights’ like everything in this modern world! Personally I would have thought it was ok for this lady’s son to share concerns for a pregnancy he helped create. If that was my daughter being so miserly with her husband and his need of reassurance from his mother, I’d have a word. Why can’t we just be kind and understanding to each other instead of constantly creating division? Not much hope for getting along with our fellow men or women in the wider sense, if we can’t have empathy within our own family, which presumably husband and in-laws should be !

Can I have an example please Smileless?

Patience, and fingers crossed all is well with the pregnancy. That's the most important thing.

Moaningturtle I understand exactly where you’re coming from, I had exactly the same problem with my DS & DDL! Her mother is a narcissist and I didn’t realise that at the time and she didn’t want me knowing anything about the pregnancy. It’s hurtful and cruel because probably the same as you I only wanted to be involved! All I can suggest is maybe do the same as I did (which didn’t work for me but might for you 🤞) is ask DS to have a word with his wife and say as the child’s grandmother you would like to be involved if possible and if there’s anything you can do for her. Maybe invite them to dinner or ask her out for lunch and tell her you’re looking forward to becoming a gran and ask her how she’s doing? Ask your son if he’s lost his backbone too on the quiet and explain to him you’re not going to give her advice, you just would like to enjoy the pregnancy with them. My DDL’s mother completely tried to get me out of the picture when my DGS was born even though she didn’t know me! There’s not a lot you can do unfortunately only ask her why she’s not wanting to involve you and see what she says but trust me when I say hindsight is a wonderful thing because nowadays I’d let them get on with it. When I look back it cost me too many sleepless nights, too much upset and stress and she wasn’t worth that! Hopefully it will work for you to talk to them about the problem, good luck.

Pregnancy is terrifying, uncomfortable and wonderful

Also full of hormones

As is having a new baby

I've never been so simultaneously exhausted and full of energy, joyously happy and miserable in my whole life

Always be a person who doesn't add stress to anyone going through that

They won't forget