I am really puzzled about a widowed friend

Some helpful advice and thoughts there and I think the bottom line is give her time to adjust but looks after yourself too!

I wonder if your friend may be a little deaf ? I am myself and know that I sometimes interrupt or talk over people because I don't realise the are speaking. She may also not enquire about others because she didn't hear the previous conversation when their problems were mentioned. I sometimes mishear things and make inappropriate remarks because of it.

People who are alone all day (inc me) talk non-stop when with others, regardless of age

Thank you all for your comments and most of all for your advice on this subject. I am 83 years old. My lovely husband died last week and the funeral is on Thursday. A second marriage of 29 years. I have 2 children, 4 step children and 12 grandchildren. I realise how fortunate I am to have such support. Gransnet has been helpful to me as I can enter into the outside world from my living room. Thank you all.

Oh Granny12 {{{{{{{{{{{{{{{hugs }}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

granny12 so sorry for your loss. I hope we can offer you some support over the coming year

Granny12 I am sorry for your loss and hope you are not upset by my post. At 29 years I was very happy in my marriage and feel your loss.
I hope Thursday is not too traumatic for you and you get comfort from your happy times with your husband

granny12 so very sorry to read of your loss

Granny12, may I extend my sympathy , x

granny12, so sorry to read of your loss. My sympathy.

This happened to a friend's mother. After a very long marriage, the husband died, and their three boys expected her to retreat into a shell. Instead, she was rejuvenated! Think they were perfectly happy together, she's just enjoying being able to do exactly what she likes. She's driving her kids mad, has discovered shopping online and generally not being the mother they expected her to be!

to Grannie12. There have been so many insightful comments here. It's very helpful.

Sending love and hugs to granny 12. We are all here for you xx
Singlegrannie said what I was wondering, perhaps stansgrans friend is a bit deaf. I have a friend who constantly interrupts when we are in a group and we realised that she needed to be facing us to hear what we said. We tactfully told her and now she wears a hearing aid and joins in more

Maybe she's now doing what she wants. You said that her partner had a long term sickness. So whilst his death is sad, it's free-ing for her. Who and what she was in is now not so. If you are good friends then she will come back.

I am a trained volunteer facilitator at a bereavement support group; it is early days and your friend is probably numb and nothing is quite real. Regardless of their relationship in life, she may well hit a massive low further down the line, it often seems to happen several months down the line. Be there for her and accept whatever is happening is normal for her.

Granny12, I`m so sorry about the loss of your husband. My husband died last October, we`d been married for just over 53 (sometimes tumultuous) years. Since he died, I found out that I had been entitled to a pension for the previous 7 years, so it was backdated, and I accepted a very nice lump sum, which I`m spending on various jobs around the house that have been needed for a long time, but no cash to do them. But every now and then I feel so guilty, because he isn`t here to take advantage of these things. Most days I`m fine, but am still prone to crying episodes when alone.

Lost my daughter and then wife 5 months apart coming up to 4 years now still in the stage of grief plus trying to get over having a stroke, couldn’t cope at home so sold up and moved in with my daughter then COVID-19 hit us so couldn’t get out at all, it’s been 18 months now, am trying hard to find somewhere to go and meet people but while this COVID thing is going on nowhere is open, plus mobility is my biggest hurdle, plus the loneliness during the day as grandchildren do their own thing mostly on their phones rant over.

Anniebach my sincere condolences. You have had far more than your fair share of grief in your life.

from my personal experience ANY behaviour post bereavement is normal

Stansgran just read your post. Your friend is going through hell. Not only has she lost half of herself she has lost her present and future. When my husband died I lost half of myself and still feel that way. You have to make a new present and future and it's hard.

A few months after my husband died I went to my local town. A friend of ours was walking towards me as soon as she saw me the look of horror on her face and she darted into the nearest shop. I was hurt and the 45 year old me carried on shopping. The now 63 year old me would have gone in after her and asked what her problem was.

It is horrible when you are widowed and people you thought were friends avoid you or disappear all together.

You say your friend is in her 80s it's even worse for her as she has been with her husband longer than I was with mine.

Being widowed suddenly you have to make all the decisions, when you are upset and frightened the one person you want and need you can never have again.

Just because of the way she is acting are you going to throw away 20 years of friendship. How would you feel in her place?

At her age she needs understanding. She probably talks a lot because she can't stand the silence and if she stops talking all she has to do is think. Would you rather have her in tears all the time? Because I bet that's what she feels like doing.

My husband died in 2004 my grief has only got worse. I just cope better with it. But even now it overwhelms me. We were together 29 years married 22. How long had your friend been with her husband?

I haven't read any of the replies yet. As soon as I read you post had to write this.

If her husband had been ill for a long time, it is likely that she was living a very stressful life for a long time. It is hard to watch – and care for – anyone close to you who is suffering and slowly, inevitably dying. For pretty much all people in this situation, the death of the loved one who has endured prolonged suffering does come as a relief. For some, feeling relief means feeling guilt. "If I loved him it is wrong to feel relieved that he is dead".

One of my beloved aunts, who more or less single-handedly until nearly the end and unbelievably cheerfully and delightfully – nursed her husband while brain cancer reduced him, told me at the funeral, "I did the crying when he did the suffering. The suffering is ended and so is the crying." She must have missed him terribly but she never felt guilty that both he and she were, in their different ways, relieved.

Others may not be so wise.

Polite note to posters
This thread was started in 2017, and was revived yesterday.
Condolences to those grieving.

Fannycornforth thank I just read the post and never noticed the date. Must check the date in future.

absent

If her husband had been ill for a long time, it is likely that she was living a very stressful life for a long time. It is hard to watch – and care for – anyone close to you who is suffering and slowly, inevitably dying. For pretty much all people in this situation, the death of the loved one who has endured prolonged suffering does come as a relief. For some, feeling relief means feeling guilt. "If I loved him it is wrong to feel relieved that he is dead".

One of my beloved aunts, who more or less single-handedly until nearly the end and unbelievably cheerfully and delightfully – nursed her husband while brain cancer reduced him, told me at the funeral, "I did the crying when he did the suffering. The suffering is ended and so is the crying." She must have missed him terribly but she never felt guilty that both he and she were, in their different ways, relieved.

Others may not be so wise.

That absolutely all of it yes. Been there.

granny12

I am now living alone due to bereavement last year. And I know I talk too much when I have any company. I have to consciously make myself ask after them and their families, and also make myself listen properly.

I talk quite a bit about my OH, and some people can take it, some not. Some listen then change the subject and some really listen and make appropriate comments.

I cannot talk to people as if he never existed; he was my life for 50 years. I just have to take the risk that some people cannot deal with it. I do not feel inclined to sweep him under the carpet.

Frankly it is all pretty hellish and I have no idea when the sadness bubbling beneath the surface will stop breaking through sometimes. I guess never.