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I am really puzzled about a widowed friend

(53 Posts)
Stansgran Sat 08-Apr-17 16:37:08

And I don't know how to react. She was widowed last August . Her husband had been in poor health for a long time. Since the funeral she has been very busy, obviously with the paper work and sorting out the house removing his stuff and all the things involved with illness. When we meet she never stops talking. She never asks about anyone else who is there or how they or their family are. She is out and about every day and it's as if schools out! Is this a normal stage in bereavement? I was with her and other friends recently, two of whom had had quite significant events in their lives which she knew about and even though I asked them in turn she interrupted with her monologue about her grandchildren and her visits out and her holiday. Totally no interest in the others there. It just seemed so strange and self centred and anti social. I am interested to know if this is a phase or a stage in old age- she is over 80 and I have known her for twenty odd years.

Whiff Sat 26-Jun-21 11:05:25

Luckygirl in my experience the sadness still bubbles through for me and my darling husband died 17 years ago. I don't expect it to ever stop. And to be honest I don't want to get to the stage when I don't miss him daily. I still consider myself married and don't want to lose that feeling.

When he first died the thought of going through the rest of my life without him frightened me and didn't know if I could do it. But because of the promises I made him I keep going. For me it gets harder as the years go by. But I cope better. I still have days where I am like a wet rag. But he made me promise to live the best life I can. And I do.

It's all we can do. I have said many times before it's the price we pay to love and be loved by one special person. When you have found the other half of you when they die in my case I will never be whole again. You may feel this way to. Some people live their whole lives and never find the other half of themselves. Even though our loved ones have died we are the lucky ones we had that . And I will be forever grateful I had that in my life.

I used to hate ironing. My husband wore a clean shirt everyday sometimes 2. After he died I really missed ironing his shirts. Silly isn't it.

I talk to anyone even to myself going round shops. My husband is still my husband and I know when I talk to people and family are mentioned I don't talk as if he is dead. I hate saying my late husband as he was never late for anything in his life. I say he's dead. I have found some people don't like it when you say dead or died. But I don't like saying late as to me that means he's late not dead .

I will never let anyone act around me as if my husband didn't exist. Even though I moved over 100 miles away from where we lived nearly 2 years ago my new neighbours know about my husband.

I still talk out loud to him everyday. It gives me comfort. I do at times shout and swear at him for leaving me which is wicked as he didn't want to die at 47. But it makes me feel better and I can cope with whatever has upset me . I see him with that stupid grin on his face once my rant is over.

Everyone grieves in their own way . It's hard but you find which way is right for you. But it takes time in my case years.

??? to all of you in your grief.

Luckygirl Sat 26-Jun-21 11:48:03

Thank you for those thoughts Whiff.

I too refer to my OH as having died, as that is the truth. I find "passed" particularly difficult to deal with - I do not know why that should be, but he did not pass, he died, as we all do.