Forgive me yet again

You were right to put the girls at the centre of your life when they were small. You had sole responsibility for them. And as they grew and made lives of their own that closeness was bound to still be there - nothing wrong with that. Your sisters were a bit out of order to make those remarks.

Your love was and always will be with your girls. It is so sad that one became so ill that her life ended; but I always say that love never dies - she will have shared that love with her own children, and so it lives on. Love is like a magic penny, as they say - if you give it away, you end up having more.

Crying here for you Annie. No answers. We have had 2 reminders today as well. Then DH and I discussing how long we should do the postal redirect for. Not big issues but still opening the wound daily.

Find that man, go and meet him. Give him a hug.

You are all wonderful and I thank you. I need to let this all go, the statements were a shock and I needed to share my thoughts .

I am experience anger ,which I do not like, but it is a stage in grief I suppose, I am even angry with my husband for dying forty years ago and not being with us . The most difficult part of suddenly being a one parent family is not the money worries or trying to be in two places at once such as school sports day when one is in the egg and spoon race and one in the sack race at the same time ? It's not having that one person to ask - what can WE do, what COULD we have done and not sharing the child's love or tears .

My ex sisters always said - it isn't good for you put the girls at the centre of your life isn't that what loving them means?

She was my world, filled my world with love and laughter , quite simply I adored her , she was also my best friend. But she has gone and this has to be accepted, she is with God and she is healed .

As someone has said, be kind to yourself, Annie. This is all so very sad.

Your sadness and pain come over so strongly Annie and my heart aches for you. I can't begin to think how I would cope if I were in your shoes. I hope your faith helps and that the kind words and thoughts of all GNs also help, even in some small way, to bear you up. You are not alone even though we are virtual friends. Our sympathy and care for you is genuine. May you find some peace.

Thank you Luckygirl for explaining the medication. I don't expect to learn anything from the inquest, my son in law had to sign or not sign a form saying the coroner could reach a verdict based on the witness statements, this will be the two people on the bridge , my son in laws and mine . He will sign, no point in asking questions , the coroner will either declare sucicide or misadventure and that's the end of it.

I can see why you are concerned about the police visit during the night - hopefully the reasons for that will come out during the inquest. x

From what you have said she was on Diazapam Paroxetine and Paracetamol. So it sounds as though she had a sleeping tablet (diazepam), an anti-depressant (paroxetine) and a painkiller (paracetamol).

The diazepam might also have been prescribed to act as a tranquilizer.

Presumably the paracetamol was just for times when she had physical pain and this might have been bought over the counter rather than prescribed.

Luckygirl , so she wasn't taking three drugs but two?

She sent me a text saying - it's official, but I will not go to X I can't take my dogs. I want the house sold - the family home, I will buy a cheap house in the valleys or a caravan .

After she died one of the housing officers - a friend- phoned me and she was sobbing, kept saying ' I am so sorry, so sorry' I thought she was talking about my daughters death , now I realise my daughter was fearing eviction. I asked several times for a two bedroomed bungalow so she could live with me but no. Yet a man who use to live in this cul de sac , left his wife who still lives here, he has been allocated a two bedroomed opposite his ex wife who divorced him for mental cruelty.

X is a town 30 miles away, there is no hospital there but there is a refuge for homeless women .

Why did the police call at her house four hours before she died, all they say in the statements is their visit was not connected to her death but not why they were there. At 1 in the morning!

I'm not very good at words, but want you to know that I am thinking of you with very deep sympathy.

Annie . Love and Hugs . Take care of yourself and try not to torment yourself with "if onlys".

Annie I wish I could hug you.

Annie - she would have just been on the 3 drugs - the diazepam turns into nordiazepam in the body, so that it is why it appeared in the blood results. It does not mean she was on an additional drug to the three. It does sound as though her drug regime made total sense, so please do not let that be a cause for concern for you.

I understand your frustration at feeling you were banging your head against a brick wall trying to get some action when you knew she was having a bad patch. I am sorry to hear this.

One thing you need to hang on to is that there is nothing else you could have done for her. Serious depression is hard to describe, but no matter how much love you are surrounded with (and she expressed that she knew this by taking the photos with her) nothing makes that truly dreadful feeling go away - you feel so ill that sometimes there seems no other way out - you just want it to stop. Sometimes there is nothing that loved ones can do - the illness is too powerful.

She will have been feeling so ill that she just needed to seek some peace, which she now has. It is a measure of how very ill she was that, even though she knew how devastated you would be, she felt she had no choice.

Depression is a truly dreadful illness. I am so very sorry that your family has been left in such sorrow; but do not beat yourself up thinking you might have saved her - there was nothing you could have done that you did not do - you were fighting an enemy (the depression) that was too strong.

I wish you the strength to cope with the inquest, and hope that you can find some peace.

Anniebach, you have so explained the hurt you are going through! I am so sorry for you and am afraid once more, for myself, of what life can throw at us as mothers. The patient confidentiality issue is a strange one to understand. I suppose if you had been your daughter's primary carer you might have been told more about her condition and treatment if the doctor thought it helpful. I doubt if you could have averted the tragedy even if you had been primary carer. You were a mother who was there for her and so did not fail her, and there was no more that any mother could possibly do .

I never asked questions I only wanted them to know what she was saying and doing which was hurting her

They will never discuss with the family, and although patient confidentality is important, can that be the case (I know that it is in practice) with somebody as you say ‘in a dark place’ ?
I have a friend who can’t find out what her DS has to take or even if he actually takes it!
An awful situation for any loving parent.

I know what diazapan is prescribed for but nordiazapan as well, she was on both and poraxatene all with a repeat prescription .

I asked the mental health team for help, the day before she died I asked the support group for help. no, patient confidentiality, I respect this but when someone has a broken mind ? all last year was hell for her, and so was for me because her plans were getting wilder and wilder but they wouldn't talk to me , then she was dead and she was all mine to care for again.

When someone has dementia are the family told they cannot discuss treatment because of patient confidentiality ?

No, but my child had to live in a dark place alone because of patient confidentiality.

Sending love and a virtual hug Annie. Guilt goes hand in hand with bereavement and I can only begin to imagine how you feel given the way your daughter died xxx

Anniebach Big virtual ((((hugs)))) and love. You have been through so many difficult times. You have nothing to apologise for.

Annie, my heart goes out to you and you family. We are with you in your sorrows. All the love.

Annie dear girl, what can I say? Just that you know that on here there are many helpful arms that will surround you and buoy you up when you are down. Being able to voice your worries is an ease for your sore heart and we send you our love and lots of {{{hugs}}} Keep on writing things down.

It is right that you should thank the man who tried to help your daughter; he must be distressed and may need to talk to you to try and make sense of what happened. If he does not wish to talk, have a letter of thanks ready for the police to forward to him.
So much sorrow; you did everything you could to help your daughter.

Sending you lots of love Annie.

Do you have a nominated police contact who you can talk to about contacting the man. I'm sure it will help both of you.

Will you see your Dgd today?

Annie you are the bravest of women. (((((hugs)))))

Perhaps it will be too much to talk to the man, but perhaps you could write to him. Leave the door open for a conversation later on or give him the opening to approach you.

annie we are always here for you. We would do more if we could. Others have said it all. Your daughter was loved and she knew it. All the photos were proof of that.
I pray for you to find some peace annie. x