My DS2 would have been 30 tomorrow

I have no words just thinking of you

Hi I lost my son too. He was 32 and died suddenly of an undiagnosed heart problem and although one person can never really know how anyone else truly feels, I do understand the pain of loosing a precious child and how hard birthdays and anniversaries are. I still send my son a birthday card and put it up even though he is no longer with me and try to visit somewhere he loved. It helps slightly to know his life is still celebrated and his name mentioned. Maybe you do something similar and I would never presume to advise you but I hope you cope ok with the day and I will think of you - I so hate that anyone goes through this pain???

Phoenix, I cannot even begin to imagine how it feels to lose a child, so I have no words. I’m just thinking of you

Also thinking of all the other mothers on here who have lost a precious child.

No words can comfort you just ..hugs x

We've been away on and off for the last 2 weeks and just seen your post, pheonix.
My DS2 could have gone the same way as yours, he was so vulnerable and was diagnosed as bipolar.
My belief is that your son's life spirit is still there, and you can still be close to him.

Sending you hugs Pheonix. Take care. X

No words xx

I hope the day has passed as gently as possible for you Phoenix and that along with the sad 'What ifs' you have also managed to smile a little at some happy memories. So sad, obviously a well-loved son, with a very caring mum, I remember you writing about him in December on his anniversary.

He will always be your darling boy Phoenix and is held in your heart for ever. Thank you for sharing with us. Hope it has helped you a little to know that we care. (((hug)))

phoenix. I am so very sorry. I can't imagine how painful this is for you. I know what being bereaved by suicide means but I did not lose a child. My husband did it and yet even as the Policeman was holding on to me - my legs gave way - I had this terrible thought "Thank God it wasn't one of the children!" How I wish I could comfort you, hold you, hug you, say something at least that would make you feel supported. I am just in tears as I sit here thinking of you and knowing, that even though I had a bad time, I did not go through what you have to carry all your life. Please be as kind and gentle to yourself as you possibly can be. You deserve so much love and cherishing.

On a level of information gathering which I did as a Psychologist, I know that people who decide to do this appear not to actually take on board that it is completely permanent. They will make arrangements for things in the future such as take their clothes to the dry cleaners or make a Dentist's appointment. They see this act as a perfect solution to their despair. They also think it is best for everyone and that everyone will be ok with it once they've got over the shock and the sadness of the death. They think people will agree with their reasoning, that this is the best solution to the problems they just can't handle right now. The dreadfully sad and painful part is that they may be despairing about something so unimportant in the grand scheme of things like exams or money which are really not as important as people think. Having decided that they have found a solution that is best for everyone, and really believing that people will get over it and understand and not mind, they then appear to feel calmer, happier and carry on making their arrangements to do the deed. This is why people have no idea they are going to do it. Their friends or family or work mates say "he seemed ok, there was nothing wrong with him, you wouldn't have known."

So please, when you think about him and his death, do not think how terribly unhappy he must have been feeling to do that. The research shows that at the time of actually going ahead with the deed, people are feeling a sense of uplift and relief and are not in immense distress. They have made the decision and that has become the solution in their mind to resolving their distress and is a resolution for any problems. Once they have decided it, they feel better. I know we cannot stop ourselves from thinking "if only I had known." or "if only I had done such and such..." but the 'if only' thoughts are there to torture us, so please try to stop thinking of them. I would also try not to think of the life he should have had. I know this is a big thing to ask - impossible maybe, but we can never know so you must not hurt yourself thinking this way.

There is one final thing which I need to say. If I did not tell you I would be being very selfish and cruel. It is this:

Years ago I had a near-death experience when I was clinically dead and I left my body and I believe I went to what I call Heaven. I can tell tell you more about this if you want to know, so just ask please. It happened to me when my first baby was born and I haemorrhaged. I was in my early twenties. It changed me completely. The experience made me completely sure that we do not die, and I saw enough to know beyond any doubt that what happened to me was true and that there really is life after this life, a better life, for our body is rather an encumbrance. I am not at all afraid of death. We leave our body. We are spirits inside a body. When our body dies we leave it and return to the place we loved but have forgotten while we are here. There are many spirits in that further dimension who know us and love us so much and when we leave our body one of them comes and takes us home. Your son is not alone. He is not dead. He is not idle. He is busy, with friends doing the things he did down here, using the skills and talents he had down here and carrying on with his life. You can talk to him, out loud or in your heart. I believe he will hear you. Do not mourn the life he left behind here. He has a full life and many wonderful friends where he is now. And it is not far away. Please, dry your tears my love, do not let him see you cry, be brave that you cannot hug him now for one day you will see him again and it will be as if no time passed between when you were last together.

I say all these things with deep sincerity and truth. With all my love, Elle xxx

Thoughts are with you, especially as my son also turned 30 at the beginning of April. I'm very lucky..?

Thinking of you Phoenix.

Phoenix

So sorry for you, Phoenix. And send you my love at this hard time for you.

I lost twin boys - one at 4 days old, and one at 4 months old. They would have been 46 this year, and I too, dwell on what might have been. All those happy, family times that we would have shared. And what grandchildren have I lost too ...?

Of course, it's so much more grief for you, because you had him with you for 19 years - knew him and loved him for all that time.

But I totally agree with Tillybelle. Over the years I have done lots of research into 'life after death' and am fully convinced that we all live on in a different dimension. Your son is there, as are mine, and we will meet them again. And things that we don't understand here, will be made clear to us.

(Thank you for that post, Tillybelle.)

Lyndiloo and Tillybelle - I totally agree with your posts and a different life after death.

And things that we don't understand here, will be made clear to us - I feel this too but you put it so much better then I ever could - Thank you x

How are you now Phoenix?

Does it make any difference how your child dies or what age they are? I'm asking because we will never know the cause of our son's death.

I will always wonder about my babies that didn't make it, especially the twin but helping my son through childhood and watching him becoming an independent home owning adult with children means I have so many memories and there are so many situations which bring him into my mind. I doubt it will ever get any better.

I too lost a son 21 months ago through an accident. I dont know how we get through the days especially the memorable ones but we do and I try to be positive and to think how he would want me to act. I know he would want us to remember him for all of the great times we had and all of the adventures he undertook. There is nothing anyone can say to you to ease the pain, but how wonderful that you have support here and I am sure in your daily life. Tillybelle, I loved your post it gave me hope.

Thank you Tillebelle x that's what I try to believe.

phoenix. I do hope you got through yesterday.

I was incredibly lucky to have my Out of Body experience. I honestly was not sure before that what to believe. It happened when I was only in my twenties so I have been able to have it to strengthen me all my life. I have not had an easy life. I did not talk about what happened for a long time - I think it was about two or more years before I said to anyone close to me what had happened. I learned that this is common among those of us who have this experience.

I started telling more people when a boy aged 18 in our school died in a car accident. We were looking after his younger brother as his parents were abroad at the time. I felt it would be evil of me not to tell the poor mother that my experience of dying (the Doctor said he thought I had died) was so wonderful. She later sent me the now famous book by Dr Moody "Life after Life". There has been interesting research too, such as when woman's brain was by-passed somehow - forgive me I do not have the details here. But technically she was "out of her mind". It was done under anaesthetic I think. However she reported what the Doctors said and did afterwards and said she had been watching them from above.

Before I left to travel with the companion sent to fetch me, I was hovering by the ceiling in the corner behind my right shoulder looking down and laughing, quite unfazed, at how long I looked.

I know I am truly very blessed to have been given this assurance. To me it is a true assurance of the Love of God. The love surrounding me as I approached the wonderful white light was overwhelming. However, I do not push my feelings about that to people who have lost someone close to them. Often they think God is wicked to let it happen and do not understand the nature of our life here with good and evil. The devil, Satan, lives here too and is only too pleased when we blame God for the tragedies that happen and allow them to turn us away from him. Jesus saw Satan fall to earth like a streak of lightening, he says so in St. Matthew's Gospel.

phoenix I have always found your posts regarding your son very sad. I can only imagine the pain you went through at the time. There can’t be anything worse than losing a child.