I am a widow

Greyduster, I’m very early to this journey of ‘firsts’ and I’m thankful for posts like yours that help me remember I’m not alone. Yesterday, one of my dogs had her update immunisations. First time I’ve seen our lovely vet since D died. She wept with me. I donated for two new purple poppies for the dogs to wear, another lump in the throat moment.
Monday would have been D’s 72nd birthday 💙

Someone posted this on Gransnet a while ago and I thought it was so lovely that I had it printed under DH’s photograph on his order of service.

“You are gone, but thank you for all the soft sweet things you have left behind…… in my home, in my head, in my heart”. I say it to myself often.

My husband passed 6 weeks ago. He dued in my arms at home without losing any dignity as I nursed him to the end. I am grateful for the 53+ years we had together. Listen to Lionel Ritchie’s song Goodbye…it sums it all up!

Iam64 I am very sorry for your loss and send you my very kindest thoughts. Xx

Rio 24 our posts crossed each othet. May I also express condolences for the loss of your dear husband. Xx

Rio24 - I’m 5 weeks on from my husband’s death. I am grateful for our 42 years together. We had 8 days in hospital, the final 4 in a small side room as end of life care was needed. Our daughters were with us throughout. We wanted to bring him home but medically this wasn’t possible. We were well supported and his care needs so well given by the nursing team.

When you are happily married, it is one's deepest fear, that the end will come and we will have to survive alone.

Yess, of course you remain 'his wife'. 'widow' is only for legal documents and formal moments.

You have my deepest sympathy at this very sad time

Iam64 my sincere condolences for your loss.

I am having a tough day. I googled something regarding grief support and here I am. It's weird, I lost my wife on 12-10-22 the same date as all these posts.

Or I should say, the date of the original post

DThor. I noticed your post in the early hours and meant to reply after I had had some sleep but the day got away from me.

Unfortunately, the way this forum is organised, it is very easy for discussion threads to fall off the active discussion board and for new posts to be missed.

If you see this, do come back. There are many regular contributors to this board who have been through this and will understand what you are experiencing, especially as that one year anniversary looms.

DThor, we are many here, living with the loss of our loved life partners. Today is the day my husband had his third stroke in three days. This one was catastrophic

DThor there is no time limit on grief. My husband died in 2004 even now grief can overwhelm me out of the blue. I feel his loss more as the years go by. He was 47 and me 45 when he died . I am now 65. My husband has missed so much as our children where 20 and 16 when he died . Both married and we have 5 grandson's.

Grief is exhausting not only mentally but physically. And that doesn't lesson as the years go by. This is my experience.

I hope you talk out loud everyday to your wife it's not mad . I have been doing it since my husband died but it gives me comfort. Mind you I have shouted at him for leaving me ,swore at him,screamed ,cried and times thumped a pillow. But it makes me feel better. Never do what I did . Being widowed at 45 I foolishly thought I had to be brave for everyone else and only let my feelings out once in bed. The only person I hurt was myself by doing that. Heading towards 20 years since he died I still hate the empty side of the bed.

The first 8 months of widowhood I slept cuddling a toy snowman my husband won his last Christmas at our GPs surgery raffle. He also won a large hamper of goodies at the cancer unit that treated him. He did say I am dieing now I win 2 raffles but for all the pain he was in he laughed.

A cousin of mine had been with his wife since they where 14 he had to have life support machines switched off she was 53. He still sleeps with her pillow pressed against his back as it's the only way for him to sleep and she died 6 years ago.

When the other half of yourself dies you are never whole again. And it's hard . I had been a couple for 29 years and married 22. I hate to this day I am classed as single to me I am still married and always will be. That's why when I talk about my husband I don't say late. He was never late for anything in his life. Apart for his funeral. The funeral at the Crem overran . And with the children we had an unspoken pact we wouldn't cried. Sitting in the car I said dad would hate this as he hated queuing and we laughed. People came from all over the country to his funeral so was very glad we didn't cry as there was so many people to thank for coming.

We are atheist's so had non religious funeral. This is what my husband was like. We knew in January 2001 after he had his grade 4 malignant melanoma removed he wouldn't live 5 years. After the cancer was removed. He didn't want anyone to know he wouldn't live. So only me and the children knew. He didn't want anyone to treat him in his words dead man walking. Unfortunately when he became terminal in October 2003 and we had to tell people what he feared happened so he cut those people out of his life. As he didn't want to spend his last few months being pitted. Unfortunately my mom was the biggest culprit but he loved my parents so much so I had to tell mom if she didn't treat him as normal not to come my dad was broken hearted but he made my mom behaviour normally. His own mom didn't care and just said hope it doesn't take to long.

Should say my in laws where horrible people not to just me and my family but to their own son.

My husband was a wise man he knew what I needed to live without him and that was promises he made me keep and proud of the fact I still keep them.

When we knew he was going to die they had given him 4 months to 2 years but we knew it would be months. We went to the funeral home by the Crem . The man was very serious and said who is the deceased my husband said me but I am not dead yet. The man didn't think it was funny. So my husband said he's not having my body so we used the CoOp . He didn't live 4 months. At Christmas we talked about his funeral and he said do what you want. He just wanted to get to his 47th birthday and we got him there he died 4 days later at home with me and the children. He couldn't breath even on full oxygen as he had 3 tumours in his right lung,one in his chest and 2 in his brain by the optical nerve which was sending him blind. I looked at the children and told him to stop fighting we would be ok. He died a few minutes later.

But there is and never will an ok. But I feel I am lucky to have been so loved and loved in return. Some people live their whole lives and never find the other half of themselves. For all it hurts living without them we are the lucky ones.

The rage and anger I felt at him dieing I still have that to this day. I thought I was wicked feeling it but I soon realised it's part of grief. It's the rage and anger that got me out of bed every morning and got me washed and dressed everyday. When I didn't want to but I did it for him.

When I have a go at him I see him with that stupid grin on his face. Before I moved to my bungalow an move over 100 miles . Every night at 6.30 I heard him drop both his briefcases in the porch and shout hello Whiff and I would shout hello hubs. I moved here in 2019 as I couldn't move before because I had both parents and mother in law to look after. Mom was the last to die in 2017.

In my experience grief gets worse as the years go by you just learn to cope. But without true love then the grief wouldn't hurt so much. Like I said we are the lucky ones to have found the other half of ourselves. Yes I am lonely but only for my husband. I like living on my own and only since my move have I been able to do what my husband wanted and that's live the best life I can and I do.

Since my move I sleep every night before I hardly slept because bringing the children up, my husband's cancer then others dependant on me I got called day and night.

Until I moved I didn't realise what it had cost me health wise. But we all have to do what our consciousnesses allow. I have never abandoned people who needed me.

DThor grief will be a constant reminder of the love you shared and it's hard . But use that love to live the best life you can. Don't be afraid to let your feelings out. Otherwise you will make yourself hurt worse. There is no magic wand to make the pain go but just accept it's part of you and use it for good. I always talk to people because I know how much someone wishing my good morning helped me. I always wish people good morning etc as you don't know if you are the only person they speak to all day.

Grief and love go hand in hand as without love we wouldn't feel the overwhelming grief we do. But accepting it means you can get through everyday .

Hope my ramble has made sense and perhaps helped a bit. Read some of the other threads on this forum as you will see you are not alone.

Live the best life you can and hold on to the love your shared it will get you through everyday. 💐

Whiff what an honest post. Lots of love to you and Iam64 x

JaneJudge if what I write helps one person then it repays all the help I have had from all the various threads I crop up on.

I don't tell lies as I have a rare hereditary neurological condition which can effect my memory at times but it's my limbs they are badly effected and lived in pain since a child. So always write and say the same things.

Words can hurt but I think they can help people more. Kindness doesn't cost anything but I only talk about my own personal experiences. Looking back I have experience in a lot of areas. Like we all do when we think about all the things that happen in our lives. Good,bad and down right awful but life is well worth living to the full. As a couple we always believed quality of life is better than quantity. I still believe that . My mom had cancer and dementia she lived with me the last 18 months of her life . She died long before her body did. She would of hated what she became . My mom had never laid a hand on me until the last 4 months of her life . But the violence wasn't my mom. Dementia violence comes from fear. The person doesn't know who they are,where or who you are . My mom thought I was her mom. I am doing everything in my power to keep my mind active and my body as fit as it allows me. As I never want my family to go through what I did with my mom. But I couldn't put her in a home but are proud of the fact even when mom became bed bound she never had a sore on her body I made sure of that.

You have experience in many fields if you look at your life and it will surprise you the amount of things you have dealt and deal with. 💐

Iam64 - s3nding you my heartfelt condolences. Take comfort from friends and family and the dogs (I shed many, many tears on my two lovely old dogs in recent years). I was distraught the first time I was called a widow and still struggle with that word. You will always be his wife nothing can change that.
Greyduster - like you I find this time of the year very difficult as my LH was also a soldier. He joined the cadets at boarding school, the reserved forces at 18 and served (as a regular and in the reserved forces) for 46 years until his death. Find this time of year harder than Christmas as it m3ant so much to LH.

Lucyd to me I am married and hate being classed as single . My husband died in 2004. I very rarely say late husband for a start the only thing his was late for was his own funeral as the funeral ahead of us over ran. Remember sitting in the car and said to our children your dad would hate this as he hated queuing and we laughed. It's not disrespectful but he would have hated it.

In those days everything was on paper the choices where married ,single , divorced so I used to write in widow and tick it .

I will always be married and a Mrs. Unfortunately can't wear my wedding ring as it fell off in a cafe I didn't notice until I got home as I was wearing gloves and was panicking . Lucky they found it and as a regular knew it was mine . I went and got it straight away. I won't have it down sized as I want it as my husband put it on my finger. I have spiral plastic ring tighteners but forget to put it on. So I wear my wedding ring on a chain. I hate not wearing it but couldn't bear to lose it again.

Love like grief never ends and from my experience the grief gets worse as the years go by as my husband has missed so much. He was 47 when he died. But you learn to cope. But even now grief can be overwhelming so I have a good cry ,or a rant at him dieing but then I see him with that stupid grin on his face. And imagine him saying feeling better . And I do.

The other half of you dieing is the price we pay for being so loved and love in return . Haven't been whole since he took his last breath. But feel lucky we found eachother. I was 16 he was 18 we had 29 years and married 22. He was the only person in the world who knew the real me and I him. Some people live their whole lives and never fine their other half. Grief is the heavy price we for love .
💐

I am widowed for eight years, after 40 happy years of marriage. I have evolved and live in the present, took my ring off too as `til death us do part`. I cope well because I am a coping person, a glass half full personality. I love my happy past and my memories but life does go on, it needs to, I have AC and dgc and we are very united,they like that I am who I am. I am their rock and they are mine

I don`t grieve any more, no point, neither do I go out galavanting nor do I ever want another. Living in the moment is my joy now and my husband would have been so glad that I have made a life for myself, his mind would be at rest and I am glad of that, better that he went first, he could not have coped

DThor .... do take a look at the WayUp site where you can talk to people who have been widowed. There are online chat, meet-ups, zoom chats and even outings and holidays. I hope you find it helpful.

A year has passed since my husband died. I count my blessings that we were in the same to be in the same place in September 1979, that we fell in love and stayed in love as we built our lives together. I still miss him totally but I’m doing the best I can to continue to live well as we did together.
karmalady, your post resonates with me. I’m close to our daughters and their families, I have good family and friends. I’m not beyond grieving but it isn’t as heart breakingly raw. Remembrance weekend was important to him and he would have been 73 next week.
Later today, I’m meeting friends for a walk, to commemorate 3 lovely men who were close friends, all of whom died too young in recent years.

It’s good to hear how others negotiate this awful loss.

You will always be his wife my dear. My heartfelt condolences to you and your family at this horrid time. 💐

I hope someone reads this. I am really struggling today . I really need a hug and there is no one . It would have been my husband's 67th birthday today. Been ok the last 6 years don't understand why it's hitting my so hard this. Tomorrow is the anniversary of our first date 1975 and then Tuesday it will be 20 years since he died. But I am going out for the day as I know I can't stay in. Couldn't go out today because had to wait for the dishwasher engineer. He came before 9 but had not planned on going out.

Because of my disability my life works but I plan ahead to do things. I can do things in an emergency but my life has always worked better planned. I have a rare hereditary neurological condition it's physical disability but can effect cognitive function. My husband who I met when I was 16 he was 18 always understood he was and still is the love of my life. The moment he took his last breath half of me died and not been whole since. But my love and grief for him keeps me going everyday.

When my health got worse in 1988 my husband just said we alter our way of life to suit you and be a normal family he kept his promise. To love and be loved in return is precious and I am lucky to have that. Even though it hurts so much to loss it.

I finally had my diagnosis of what I was born with in April 2022. And he wasn't there to find out.

I can't seem to stop crying 😭 and I know it's what I need but hate feeling this low. I don't know if it's because it's 20 years this year or the fact I get my state pension end of April and been told I will get 48p from my husband's NI contributions. My husband started work in 1974 and still paid his NI until he died in 2004. My husband's working life is worth under £750. I will get full state pension.

😭😭😭😭

Hi so sorry your having such a bad time.
Thinking you today and sending you a big hug.
I'm not good with words but didn't want to not reply to you.
Xx

Dear Whiff I’m so sorry I didn’t see your post yesterday. I’m sending a big virtual hug now as the best I can do. Your love for your DH shines through in your writing.
All these years and you still miss him so much, he must have been such a special person to you. Sending you much love ❤️

for you dear Whiff, wish I could give you a big hug as well. It's understandable that you're feeling the loss of your husband even more with these important anniversaries and it finally being time to collect your pension. The deep love you and your husband shared shines through in all you write here. Take care of yourself.