Hope you don't think I am crass, but I do need advice

Ikiesgranma

grandtante, I think you can see from this thread that you have support here should you need it. Please use gn - and anyone else who needs support is likely to find it here too.

My DH was diagnosed with terminal melanoma in late 2008. We still went on the cruise we had booked but by Christmas 2008 he deteriorated quickly and died on January 18th 2009 and on the last day he was transferred to a local hospice. He died peacefully with most of the family there. I could not have hidden his health from our children. The signs of it were evident. He died quietly at 10pm and my children felt like spare dinners as all I wanted was to be alone. I remember going to the hospice chapel and offering a prayer for his dear soul. He did not have a religious faith but asked for a traditional Anglican funeral. He wanted it to reflect my faith as he knew it would comfort me. I have never stopped grieving his loss so I cannot say that death does not affect our lives. All I can do is to wish you strength to get through life when someone you love is dying. I am glad you told your son. We need to have loved ones who understand what is happening with their parent and to support the one who is going through such a sad time. I can only relate my experience and wish you well GrandTante.

I was in the same position grandtante, DH had metastatic prostate cancer and refused to tell the family and would not let me tell anyone except my friend who was my support and shoulder to cry on.
It was a nightmare during covid and lockdown, appointments cancelled, letters from NHS not arriving.
I had absolutely no help whatsoever, asked about a hospice place and was refused, they had closed it due to the number of staff with covid.
I was expected to do everything with no regard to the fact that I had cancer and had major surgery and vulnerable myself.
When DH relented and told AC they did their best to support us but it took DD a long time to be able to leave Brussels because of travel restrictions.
When DH died DS received a horrible letter from one of his aunts, she said that they were disgusted that we had made no effort to let them know DH was ill. Some people do not want to broadcast their illness and people should respect that.
Just try and live as normal life as you can, do what makes you both happy.

Ikiesgranma

I am the person with incurable cancer. I’m having palliative chemo in an attempt to slow any spread. My husband is in denial which I find quite frustrating. I want to talk about my fears and what the future will look like. I can only say go with your husband’s wishes. I’m sure once he has taken everything in he will open up. It’s a horrible, scary place to know that you are going to die and leave your loved ones behind. I’m having counseling at a hospice which I feel helps me.

This is what I came on to say, but * Ikiesgranma* says it much better. In my work with Marie Curie, a very common complaint from patients was that their family members wouldn’t let them talk about when they are no longer here, and sometimes even saying it upset them because their spouse/ child had ‘never shed a tear’.
Also, when a person is feeling controlled by illness, doctors, hospital etc, it can be good to feel they can still offer help and comfort to your nearest and dearest, so please don’t bottle up your feelings for fear of upsetting them.
My thoughts are with you.

kittylester

*grandtante*, I think you can see from this thread that you have support here should you need it. Please use gn - and anyone else who needs support is likely to find it here too.

I have indeed and am very grateful indeed to you all for your helpful and very kind support and advice.

I am much afraid I will need your continuing advice and support, but will try not to plague the life out of you all, but only come back when we are out of our depth. Thank you, one and all.

Please don’t wait until you are out of your depth if you need to air your feelings or get things off your chest💐.

so sorry to hear this . In a way I know how your husband feels . When I was diagnosed with cancer I told nobody but DH . I then found out that he had told all his male friends and I was really mad at him . It turned out they were a good support for his as his DM had died from the same cancer but I felt it was not for him to broadcast the news. I wondered when one of his frinds asked me pointedly how I was . I had no idea he knew and his DW had died of the same thing .
DH has been well warned now not to speak about any of my ailments to other people .

I can't offer anything constructive but I wanted to let you know I am thinking of you and I wish there was something more I could say and do. I've been thinking of you today, and I hope it wasn't too traumatic.

Remember that to take care of him you need to take care of you first!

My dad was diagnosed with terminal cancer completely out of the blue - no symptoms except for a pain which had only been there a couple of weeks that they thought was a trapped nerve or pulled muscle. It turned out to be cancer that had already spread and there was no treatment.
It was beyond traumatic for us all, as his mental health had always been very poor and within a couple of weeks of diagnosis he had a complete breakdown and had to be admitted to hospital (think delerium to the extent of someone in the final stages of dementia). He did recover a bit to the point of knowing who we were again and being able to have some degree of conversation, but he died less than four months after diagnosis without ever being able to come home. It made it all so much harder to accept, so although obviously you have to respect his wishes I hope he feels able to tell people as it'll make it so much easier for them to process whilst he is still here

Looked back at this thread this evening as I said I would, in the hope of hearing some heartening news about the biopsy result. grandtante I sincerely hope your worst fears have not been realised today. My thoughts naturally are with you both tonight.
x

I’ve been avoiding this thread because we have been waiting for results of my DH’s recent tests.
I’m one of those people who hopes for the best but plans for the worst as, I think, you may be grandetante.
We’ve not got the full story yet but although his condition is not curable it isn’t cancer and he will be with me for quite a while yet.
But he will deteriorate gradually. Like your DH he doesn’t want anyone to know and although I want to do whatever he wants I’m not sure I can do that. He has a cough which is getting worse, we have doctors in the family. I have a feeling they might notice!
My thoughts are with you, your situation is much more immediate than mine I think.
So many on here have been through this and many are experiencing it now.
Thank you for starting this thread.

Once again, thank you all so much for your kind advice and help.

Today, after some delays, we finally know more about what we are dealing with, and it could be much worse.

It is a cancerous tumour where the oesophegus joins the stomach, but it is operable and the cancer has not spread.

Next week they will insert a shunt, which should make it possible for DH to eat some solids again, so his weight loss can be stopped.

After that they will, in consultation with the University Hospital in Odense decide whether to start chemotherapy before or after removing the tumour.

I realise it will be a rocky road to travel, but somewhat better, I trust, than the one we thought we were going to have to take.

My husband has opened up a bit about telling close friends and near family, and has found it helpful to talk to others, so that is all to the good too.

That is encouraging news Grandtante and confirms my theory that there is often, if not even usually “life after diagnosis”.
It is always reassuring when a treatment plan is in place and I wish your DH and you all the very best for the coming months.

I'm glad the news isn't quite as bad as you feared. I wish you, your DH and family all the luck in the world. I'm sure you will now receive plenty of support, including from this forum if needed.

Great news, now you have time to think and to plan.
My DH has been resisting, very strongly, the notion that we need to move. We were both healthy and fit.
I deal with a client base that are or were healthy and fit. It doesn’t , generally, last until death and I have seen at first hand how difficult it can be to deal with it on your own.
I wanted to move whilst both of us could look forward to a new lifestyle but perhaps we’ve missed the boat. I wanted it to be something that we could enjoy, not something we HAD to do. Hopefully our visit to the consultant will be a positive experience.
My mother had the foresight to give birth to four bossy daughters. When dad died we all pitched in. I hope you have a supportive family even though, at the moment, your DH doesn’t want to involve them.

I’m glad your news is better than you hoped for, and your husband feels happier talking to people. All best wishes to you and yours.

My DH is in the middle of a heavy regime of chemo for lymphoma. I am dealing with lots of paperwork (France), hospital taxis and a complex regime of medicaments, appointments and nurse visits.
What works for us is a fairly strict daily routine, good food, gardening, brief walks and short shopping trips. DH finds it hard to cope with visitors, but we have regular catch-ups on line with friends and family.
He is happy for people to know, but annoyed by references to fighting cancer and being brave. He says he just does as he is told.
We have two sayings. 'We can only do what we can do" and "Keep on buggering on' (Churchill).
It is a bit like lockdown really.

I’m so sorry that you are going through this grandtanteJE, such a worry. I’m glad that the prognosis is so much better than you first thought, you must be feeling better with a treatment plan in place and being able to share your worries with family and friends.
I’m so sorry for all of you wonderful grans who have been through or are going through the most awful time imaginable. You have my utmost respect and admiration that you have all taken time to support grandetante in her hour of need. The power of gn at its best.

Thank you for updating us grandtante. The news is positive, so welcome
Thinking of you and your loved ones.

That’s very encouraging news, Grandtante. May it allow you both to move forward with hope in your hearts. Stay positive!

So good to hear this grandtante. I hope that you'll continue to post when and if it would help you.
Sending you both every good wish for strength for the road ahead.

I find it a lot like lockdown too Mamie. I think this is the hardest thing I’ve ever had to deal with. My mantra sent by a friend is ‘Just remember (my name here) - day by day ... ‘.
It helps. Mostly.
x

Urmston - I identify with you saying it’s the hardes thing you’ve ever had to deal with. I managed to remember my name though my identity slipped from mum, friend, dog woman, book lover, woman teaching herself to water colour, gardener, Walker, lover of city visits etc etc to mri’s wife and carer. I’d no problem with that, I loved him, i still love him but - losing yourself in all of this is a possibility

Iam 💐
Before This .. I used to empathise with folk and really mean it. Now? I understand fully the enormity of it all, it overwhelms and is like a tsunami of grief and caring in equal measure. It frightens me constantly to be honest and I’d like it all to just go away and be back once again to the carefree couple we used to be. Which seems a lifetime ago now but in reality it is only a number of weeks since we were Those People.

When my husband got the diagnosis, we were plunged from family things, planning days out, holidays, home making, popping to the pub etc to hospital visits (50 in 10 months), tests, scans, waiting, hoping and mostly fear. As I said he is 9 years in remission but the annual blood test brings back the fear. He was, and is, positive throughout. I wasn't. It's one in two people now they tell us and it's hideous. I wish all of you all the luck in the world.