Hope you don't think I am crass, but I do need advice

I am so sorry. I’m not very good at words of sympathy but I do feel for you.

Everyone is different in coping with this. From my experience I would say

Do some research on the Internet or with an appropriate support agency like a Charity.

Go prepared on Friday with questions and things you want explained. Don’t hesitate to ask even if what you want to know sounds stupid. Doctors sometimes assume we know things that are everyday to them but hitherto unknown to us.

Once you have full information decide who you want to tell. This is difficult. Close family should know about the diagnosis and treatment. When you tell anyone about the prognosis can vary depending on what it is. Although we knew my husband’s condition was incurable we chose to keep that to ourselves because it was not immediate. We wanted our children to be able to continue with their normal lives for two or three years without that pressure.

Some people find the rally round of friends supportive, for others it can be a burden. People will treat you differently. Chose to spend time with those who boost you and ruthlessly drop those who seem to “feed” off your pain.

Maintain as ordinary life as possible, especially the inconsequential little things. I vividly remember the day of his diagnosis of leukaemia, sitting side by side on the hospital bed, watching the tv in his room and sharing a big bag of crisps. It was bizarre but right.

Make sure you have some time to yourself doing something that gives you pleasure. It might seem like dust and ashes as you do it but the pleasure will return and it is vital to your well-being.

There are hard times ahead. I did find it helpful to remind myself that others have been through this so it must be possible for me to do it too.

I hope some of this might be helpful and not too much of my very practical nature coming out💐

My heart goes out to you and all the other grans who are or have in the past dealt with similar situations. We and our DH's all deal with things in different ways. Your DH must still be in shock so let him have time to digest the info and try to deal with things. No need to rush off and tell people just do whatever he wants to do right now, he doesn't need discussions about who should be told. Perhaps he might always want to keep it between the two of you so that people carry on treating him as normal and he doesn't have to deal with their pain and worry as well as his own. That might be more difficult for you but in that case you could always see some sort of counsellor so that you are still able to talk about how you feel. Above all it's about your DH and not you. I know that sounds very cruel but when the very worst happens you will at least be able to know that you did everything he wanted.
My DH passed away just over a year ago and regrets and feelings I should have done more plague me every day. He was ill for so long that it became part of our lives and I should have done so much more to mak his life better and then all of a sudden it was no longer possible. Take care.

Whenever we had a consultation we asked permission to record it on a phone or tablet. 2 people don’t always hear the same words!

xx

Thank you all so very much!

I hadn't dared hope for such an amount of help.

There is so much, I cannot possibly replied in detail to you all, but please believe that you have all and everyone of you helped me and given me a lot of very positive ideas to mull over.

So, so sorry to hear your devastating news, I cannot imagine how you begin to cope with such a situation. My dh was 15 years older than me and developed vascular dementia and a mild form of Parkinson’s late in life. I eventually became his full time career and nursed him fir 12 years. It was very tough going, as anyone who has dealt with any firm if dementia in a lived one will tell you, and I found I lost a little bit of him every day, very gradually as he deteriorated, so I had a lot of time to adjust to what I knew was the inevitable outcome, and I am sure that is why I was able to deal with finally losing him when he had deteriorated to the stage where he had little quality of life left and was on the verge of needing to go into a professional care facility, which he would have hated. He was afraid to leave me as he had this notion I would not cope without him, but I promised him I would be happy with my memories and always, always keep our love alive every day. He was very ill at the end but fighting desperately to stay with us, I told him to stop fighting and to give in if he had had enough of the battle I promised him I would be ok and he simply stopped breathing, there and then! He didn’t often do as I asked him, but that was the one time he did! Of course I miss him terribly and I would have him back to do it all over again in a heartbeat, but I do think I was lucky to have time with him to prepare and for that I am so grateful. I pray you will also find the peace and strength to cope with whatever lies ahead for you xxxx

Sorry for the typos in my message, I seem to jumble up my I ‘s and o’s!!!

So Sorry to hear your news. I have two friends going through the same thing with their DH's. Each taking a different way. Go with your husbands wishes but look after yourself and maybe see a GP about some counselling for yourself which is what one of my friends has done.
Live for each day together we are all going to be one partner or the other and you must look after yourself to be able to look after your DH.
Best wishes.

Sorry to hear your news. I was delivered a bombshell about 6 months ago it wasn’t health related but huge shock. I begged my daughters not to tell the wider family I needed time to process it myself before the questions and offers of advise started so my advise would be to give him time to digest it a few months maybe then speak to him again about sharing it. Do you have that one person you can trust outside the family you can tell and trust not to pass it on just so you have some support.

He needs hope; and you need reality, and possibly a non-judgemental ear to listen to your concerns and allow you to vent. I see you're not in the UK; are there any psychotherapy options available to you locally? A loss support group might be excellent too.
Absolutely rotten thing to happen to you both. I wish things were otherwise.

One thing he almost certainly needs to know is that you will be all right after he’s gone. Prepare yourself for thus, both emotionally and practically. Let him see that you’re going to manage, and that you’re storing up happy memories. Don’t talk to him about your eventual widowhood: he’ll be all too aware of that already. But surely nobody actually wants their surviving partner to just fall apart and never be happy or content again? Don’t ever suggest that you couldn’t live without him.

This is a personal view based on our experience with family and close friends as well as my husband’s cancer diagnosis and all that followed
Being positive does help with feelings and coping.
I don’t believe it’s helpful to see a diagnosis as the start of a fight’ with cancer.
It helps if the patient and their wife/husband /partner can reach an approach that helps them both. Not always easy, not always possible but it does make things a little easier
Be gentle with yourselves and each other
Rest, walk, eat well ,do things you enjoy for as long as it’s possible

Very sorry to hear this. You can get support and advice from your local hospice if you have one.

I agree re positivity. I am a very negative person and always see the worst scenario. Thankfully, DH is the opposite. After his diagnosis and throughout treatment I asked if he was scared. He replied 'No. What's the point of being scared? I may be scared if they tell me I should be but they haven't'. I have told some people this and they have said that they don't believe him. Well I have been married to him for almost 54 years and I know him and I did believe him. He once said he was scared for me if the worst happened.

Am so very sorry that your husband is facing this but you are there to stand alongside of him.
I realise that this may sound morbid but you do need to face some practicalities.
1. Is his will up to date
2. Do you know his wishes regatding end of life care? Ie where he would want to die - home, hospital or hospice?
3. Funeral arrangements - songs, hymns, poems. What kind of service. Where he would like his ashes to be put if cremated.
4. Passwords for his accounts - computer, banking, FB (you can have it changed to a memorial account) & any other social media accounts etc.
5. Where any financial accounts are with account numbers/policy numbers etc. Pensions etc.
6. Car ownership & insurance changed into your name. Same for house & contents insurance.

Having seen 2 friends go through a similar situation recently it is better if you are prepared

My husband received the news by saying he didn’t want anyone to know and he would prefer to be private and would fight it. I’ve never known anyone so brave as he dealt with everything but he died within a year. I frequently was in tears, but I respected his wishes, of course everyone eventually found out towards the end.I’m the opposite I need all the help I can get .Without him it’s hard but his last words almost to me were enjoy your life do it for me, which I have.

I am so sorry for you,*Grandtante*. My DH was diagnosed with stage four cancer in 2021 and died in April last year. The only thing I can say is once you have a confirmed diagnosis and prognosis, don’t keep it from your son, or others closest
to you. It may seem like doing them a kindness but it isn’t. You two cannot manage this on your own. They will want to help and support you, and will need to do this for their sakes as well as yours. Your son will find strengths he never knew he had. Ours did. I don’t know where we - and ultimately I - would have been without the support of our children and their partners.
As for the two of us, we made up our minds to take it one day at a time; to try and find something to make us happy in each day (not easy sometimes but he was always a very positive person) and to do what we enjoyed doing within DH’s capacity to do it, for as long a he could manage it.
If I can offer you a listening ear, please feel free to PM me.

It is very personal

For some families, it is very difficult to manage other people's feelings when communicating tragic news like this - so it is need to know basis

For others, they need to tell others

@Shazmo while I agree with you in principle, my personal view is that all the practical admin things while necessary, could probably wait until after Fridays appointment.
There is so much to take in and while I agree absolutely about the necessity, there is a time and a place and that may be different for different people.
I remember being collared in the corridor outside DH’s ward (actually months before he died and he came home at least twice afterwards) by an eager junior doctor who said “I assume you realise the time will come when we run out of options, where do you think X would like to be?”
Fair enough, but I said in no uncertain terms that this was neither the time nor the place for that dialogue.
WHEN it took place, I expected it to be in the Consultant’s office with a cup of NHS tea and probably a box of tissues, but in the meantime could they just please treat his (hospital acquired) pneumonia and we would cross the next bridge when we came to it.
We all react differently, so OP I do not think what you need is advice as such, but support, somewhere to offload and a soft shoulder to cry on whenever you need it.

My DH had bowel cancer in 1996, he was 50. Surgery successful. The diagnosed with prostate cancer 2006. Surgery again, but came back 2021, he died 15 months ago.
Your husband needs time to reconcile what may be lying ahead. You say you are waiting on the biopsy results so he may well be hoping to have relatively better news. I had to make myself understand that I nor anyone else could not stop the inevitable when the cancer returned. Yes, I did have a good few cries to myself. My DH did keep family informed on the attempts to slow the disease's progress but we all knew that was all it was, a delay. I did not seek any groups, organisations for support. I felt I would hear only others' experience and not everyones' circumstances are the same. I concentrated on living with my DH, making plans to do things together or with family. My 2 DS were fully involved appreciating what loss feels like my DD, their sister having died only 2 years previously, again due to cancer. I truly believe no one can tell you how it feels; what to do; when confronted with having to face the loss of a loved one. Hopefully your DH will have good news and he will accept your family needs to be included in whatever happens, good or otherwise.

I am so sorry you are facing this. Please find a friend or even a counsellor on line - maybe a group on line - someone or somewhere you can feel and talk about what is happening for you. You do need to look after your self - and then you will be better able to support him whatever the future brings. I hope you can find the support you need and that you will be able to do whatever is needed for your husband as well as yourself, as the weeks go by.

The period before you know what treatment the clinicians are advising is one of the most difficult. I hope, grandtante that there will be some positive news in this respect.
We went through this 12 years ago, but my DH survived his oesophageal cancer (chemo and operation) for 11 years with an excellent quality of life. He died in a few short weeks from a different cancer at the age of 87.
We relied on the support of friends almost more than our AC who were anxious and inexperienced. But friends our age could provide a cheerful and positive presence during his treatment, such a blessing. Accept any help they offer.
I send you and your husband my very best wishes at this time.

I’m going to peep back on this thread on Friday night grandtante in the hope that the news about your husband’s biopsy is not as devastating as you’re anticipating.
🤞

I am the person with incurable cancer. I’m having palliative chemo in an attempt to slow any spread. My husband is in denial which I find quite frustrating. I want to talk about my fears and what the future will look like. I can only say go with your husband’s wishes. I’m sure once he has taken everything in he will open up. It’s a horrible, scary place to know that you are going to die and leave your loved ones behind. I’m having counseling at a hospice which I feel helps me.

I suggest you look on Facebook for support groups for your husband's cancer. I think most of them accept carers as well as patients and some have separate carers' groups. They can be enormously helpful, with members with a huge range of experience, and there always seems to be someone somewhere who's awake at 3am when you need to talk.