Advice needed on where to live now

It’s good to see you’ve decided to wait a year before making decisions about moving. My husband died in 2022 and like you, I spent a lot of time sorting and clearing the things from his many interests. He’d started to do this as we knew his diagnosis meant we didn’t have long left together.
This was our family home but 4 beds and a garden that needs care made me consider a smaller bungalow. I looked and found nothing appealed. I’ve made changes in the house and garden that make maintenance easier.
I’m near the bus stop, decent supermarket 5 min drive/half hour walk away, we still have a library and post office in the village centre. My GP practice is good, local hospital under pressure but always been good with me and family. So I’m settled.
I’d run a mile from a retirement village 🌞

Take it easy Abnuyc123, it must have been very traumatic what happened.

Moving, renting, relocating all rather exhausting I feel.

Yep...I'm in agreement with the idea of driving by and inspecting the area on foot.

I got my starter house after giving up in frustration at all the local estate agents (yep I was registered with them all - in my small city) sending me details of ones unsuitable for me. So I decided what were the best streets I could (just about) afford and decided to go for walks in them. I was waiting for the impossible basically - ie someone to start talking to me in one of them and tell me of a house for sale there that would fit my requirements. It worked. The first time I went for a walk in the street about no. 3 position on my list I was carefully assessing every house from the outside - and then I just stood there opposite one and was weighing it up very carefully and deciding it looked possible from the outside (yep there was no indication it was for sale). Out came the next door neighbour and invited me in for a cup of coffee - I accepted the invitation and went in and got told "Next door is going on the market for sale in two days time". Cue for I finished my drink and then went in viewing it....

I got my 2nd (current) house by deciding what areas of the country I could swop my starter house for my "final house" - ie it had to be a cheaper area than my own (as my starter house was a typical Victorian terrace house with tiny back yard and needing more work than I was prepared to do on a "starter") and I'd long known my "final house" would be "detached, with a garden in a reasonable - errr...yep....I meant middle class - area" and hence had to move to a cheaper area (as I was still single/still low income).

I scanned the entire country and decided against Scotland, North of England, North Wales and found a town I thought would be just about big enough for me in West Wales (I'd like it bigger and less remote ideally - but there's always going to be a downside). Then came over on holiday - with a list in hand of "possible" houses with me in case. Viewed the houses I'd decided to see and chose the one at the top of my list.

Another point was I'd done a lot of what I call "Google walks" before I came here - ie to see what the town was like visually. So I knew my way around pretty much before I came visiting.

I did find I got a "recommend" from a local to a specific house from one person (not affordable for a single person on low job pension and too far out for someone without a car). I got another "recommend" to a new estate being built in a more convenient location and took that as a compliment and could see it would suit me (as it's quite posh and not cheap - again...being single meant I couldnt afford it).

So yep a couple of local people in this area were being helpful and suggesting where I could buy - even if my finance level doesn't match "me" and so I couldnt afford them on the not-too-different from minimum wage level I've pretty much had throughout.

So - yep.....a darn good scout-around - and with an enquiring/approachable look on your face. Some people will spot what you're up to and, if they like the look of you, will start chatting helpfully.

Don't underestimate the mental effects of shock, stress, grief on usual thinking and judgement, post bereavement. I've seen several widowed friends, in the following 6 to 12 months, make major decisions that they later considered a big mistake.

Take your time. Having said that:

Downsizing, and moving hundreds of miles to a new area within reach of family, was a choice we made at 74, and it's been brilliant. Good luck.

Best done when you are relatively fit for househunting for a property that will best suit your future needs in older age or lesser health.

lixy

Future proof yourself as much as you can, so look for somewhere with easy access to shops, bus routes, doctors’ surgery, post box. Somewhere in an area you like and has activities/places you are interested in.

Look critically at a property thinking about ease of access and upkeep.

Being close to family is lovely but, as you are clearly aware, that can change at the drop of a hat so has to be a happy extra rather than a basic criteria when looking to move.
Good luck with your search.

I quite agree.
I moved from Kent to Bristol to be nearer my DD after my husband died. I wasn’t taking the car, so stipulated that I needed to be walking distance from the bus, the doctor, shops, and (for me) a church.
I’m in Anchor sheltered accommodation. Yes, it’s fairly pricey but I have the reassurance of having pull cords and pendant, etc.
I am 77, in full possession of my marbles and my health. If DD and family move, I don’t think I shall. Not at my age!

The advice you have been given is sound. We live for many years in France. Close friends there decided to move back to Suffolk as their SiL worked at the port in Felixstowe. So relocate they did, bought a converted barn etc. Six months later, their D and SiL told the couple he had been awarded the manager's position at the port in Dubai! So off the young ones went. Our friends were not best pleased

Abnuyc123

I can’t face moving twice, so renting is off the table. Even moving once feels very daunting.

I’m wondering whether I should spend money on this house, so I can love it. My concern is, I’ll spend the money and still not love it.

Yes, you will spend the money and still not love it.

I am in a somewhat similar situation as you.

What about waiting for a smaller home for sale in your own neighborhood? (What are the odds that a growing young family is looking for a larger home?) That way, you dont have to start anew, you dont have to pay retirement home fees, you dont have to exist in a home you dont like and your son can pop in whenever he has time.

Yes I think you are right. I honestly don’t think I will ever love this house. I’m not planning on throwing money at it.

It is location which is important.
Do you like the area you live in, do you have friends, activities, facilities, good transport links ?
If so look for a smaller property in that location.
If you like the place where your son lives consider that, if you would be able to be independent.
Retirement apartments look good, but if you get a difficult neighbour the Associations have little power to control their behaviour. (A friend moved to one, lovely, until a retired Major moved in, played classical music very loudly most days and late into the night; the Association said it was unable to take action.) She eventually moved out, at a loss.
Most importantly, take your time.

Petra,
Thank you for replying. However,, you suggested the bridge mentioned was the Orwell Bridge. That bridge is in Suffolk and a bit of a hike from Wales or Northern France! 😂

My son and his wife asked me to move nearer to them after my Husband died. They lived a two hour car journey away from me. They said if I became ill or needed help it would be so difficult for them to help me as it would mean having to take time off work. I decided they were right and moved home with their help.
They were correct and they now visit me every day just to check if I am OK. My son now cuts the grass for me and Daughter in Law helps with my shopping

The man thing to do, if you decide to move is throughly research the place you intend to move to - no matter how close a child may be living.

None of us knows what the future holds and everything from a total out of the blue job relocation, to a tragedy in the family can change thing, so if you suddenly find yourself alone in a new town, it needs to be one where the services you want/need are close to hand. This includes opportunities to socialise and make friends.

We are in the process of moving so that travel to us is easier. Up/down one motorway rather than cross country and we researched a number of towns up and down the motorway corridor. Checking for where we could find the right house in the right location, accessibility of mainline railways station, where were doctors, dentists, hairdressers, what opportunities were there for us to go out and find activities we enjoy that would help us build up a social life.

Only when we had done that did we start house hunting. Then DD went to do a recce for us, saw the house of her dreams - and has now moved to the same town, only 5 minutes from the house we are buying!

M0nica

The advice is always 'wait a year'

While waiting, make a list, first of what your perfect location would be, perhaps start with the perfect but least practical - a cottage deep in the Devon countryside surrounded by fields, for example and then gradually reason it down. Perhaps a cottage not too far from where you live now, in a large village with good transport links and with you able to continue your existing social networks.

Yu did the right thing asking your son, would he ever move, so perhaps the thing to do there, is see if there is a small country town nearby. Somewhere you will have all services - doctors, shops, social groups. etc within foot or buggy reach, where you can be near your son but also build up your own independent social life, so if he does move, your own life can continue untrammelled. Check out any town you consider, check that it has the kind of social activities you enjoy, does it have a train service.

We are currently downsizing and moving nearer our children and having got the right area several towns were ruled out because none of the activities we enjoy were provided for in the area.

Hope that suggested thought process helps.

I obviously do nt know you, where you live now and what you enjoy doing

This is very good advice indeed.

I downsized when my husband died 5 years ago. I didn’t like where we lived, had no strong ties. My first thought was to move back to my home country (Scotland), but my son wanted me to move closer to him in NW England. So I moved, but I don’t feel settled here. Young ones have their own busy lives and I’m alone most of the time. I should have followed my first instinct and suggest you do the same.