Advice needed on where to live now

My son lives 20 minutes away, which I think is perfectly fine. He talks of me living on the same street. He’s extremely caring and lovely and I really appreciate him. My DIL is just as caring and lovely. She’s asked me to go on holiday with them.

The holiday is a lovely offer and a good idea.
We took my mother-in-law away with us for many years after her second husband died. Later my parents came as well, they all got on.

The local "support system" too is important.

I've come from a small southern English city with pretty high standards - yep....I make jokes about we'll only consider a firm or place or whatever to be "ours" if it's at least 90% satisfactory - otherwise we "walk" (ie find a better whatever-it-is).

In a smaller place in remote West Wales where there isn't the "perfectionist - or I keep swopping" attitude - but more of a "pick so-and-so because they're my friend/schoolmate/at least a fellow 'local' " is a very different attitude and I've found it hard to find my "at least 90% - or I'm still looking". I had to go through several dentists, several hairdressers, several plumbers, several decorators before I found my "at least 90% standard" ones and they know it - ie I've emerged from my hairdresser today thinking "£55 for a cut and blowdry - phew - I swear that's a London price I'm being charged!"...but that's what I have to pay to get my standard it seems.

So - you're probably not going to have as long distance a move - but do give it a thought who you will use for all the services you require in any new location you go to.

What lovely compassionate, sound and sensible advice - your response will be filed away for use when I need it 😇

’ve looked at retirement property, think McCarthy Stone, or similar. I can afford it but they are expensive, especially the overheads.
Avoid the at all costs when it comes to the property having to be sold it will be worth only a fraction of what you paid for it . Do some googling about these retirement flats . The overheads are too much too .

I felt exactly the same when my husband died suddenly 3 years ago.
Remaining in our family home of over 40 years was a constant reminder of my loss and maintaining our large garden was daunting.

I'm glad I took the advice of waiting a year.
I'm happy to stay put now.

Where are your friends and your social life? That bis where you need to be.

My friends and my interests have been what has seen me through since my OH died. My family have been lovely but I absolutely refuse to rely on them or to plan my life round them, as I feel this would be wrong. They need to be free to fly.

To answer a previous poster, my son already has power of attorney for me and I’ve updated my will.

Oreo

If you can afford an apartment in a retirement village I would think about doing that. You would soon have new friends and neighbours with everything tailored to your needs and also future needs.There are some lovely ones but do lots of research.

I know I am old and I accept that. (I have to, as I don’t fancy the alternative!)
That said, going to live in a retirement village would probably instantly age me by about ten years, if it didn’t kill me first! I really can’t think of anything worse. Being surrounded by old people, without anyone but the staff around, no young people, only adults, would be awful. Being guided to an armchair to sleep my day away, well, I might as well be dead. Can you imagine the staff popping in to announce that Bingo has just started, or that the coach is outside waiting to take us all for a ‘nice little drive’.
And don’t get me started on mealtimes…..‘apple crumble, Mrs Smith?’
I have visited a few friends/relatives in homes over the years. The songs the staff make the ‘inmates’ sing have been out of WW2 for as long as I have been going to them. It’s still a long way to Tipperary, it appears.
Shudder!

Crossstitchfan I think you are confusing living in a retirement flat with living in a home.

A retirement flat/village development is occupied by older peeopl who are independent and live independent lives. Some find them very good to live in because they travel a lot and can go away for months and know their home is secure. Others move to one in their home town to continue to live and socialise in the ir usual way, but without worrying about the care and maintenance of a house.

I have friends living in retirement flats, none of them are remotely dependent on care, all drive, have cars and continue a busy social life outside their retirement development.

To be honst I do not really recognise your description of Care homes, although, I confess I found the 'singalong' sessions a bit grim, but never compulsory. Between 1975 and 2014, I was regulalry visiting different friends and relations in care. Four people in all in 6 different care homes.

Their experience there depended entirely on their personalities and capabilities. None chose to spend their days in the day room, and nobody made them, neither were they forced to take part in activities if they did not want to.

Personally retirement flats are not for me. DH and I, in our 80s are downsizing to another project house. DH is drawing up the planning application as I write, but I can see how they suit other people and I have friends living in them very happily. My only concern about them is the way they milk residents of money with high maintenance fees and taking a cut of the price when the flat is eventually sold.

I went with my husband when he went to photograph a large newly built retirement complex, Bath I tink it was. It appeared lovely, large atrium with benches and running water

Then we went to some of the apartments, average was one small bedroom, one bathroom with bath! one small living kitchen and that was it. It made me panic, it was so small compared to an average family home

That is the memory of retirement living which will stay with me and I will never go into an old-people complex of any sort, call them retirement villages, anything you like but they are obvious money earners for the people in suits, draining the people who live in them before and also after they die and they are chucked out if they need care

My savings will go on paid-for help if ever needed, not yet at 77. I now have all the facilities I would need and live in a lovely mixed-age community

lixy

Future proof yourself as much as you can, so look for somewhere with easy access to shops, bus routes, doctors’ surgery, post box. Somewhere in an area you like and has activities/places you are interested in.

Look critically at a property thinking about ease of access and upkeep.

Being close to family is lovely but, as you are clearly aware, that can change at the drop of a hat so has to be a happy extra rather than a basic criteria when looking to move.
Good luck with your search.

Excellent advice

Thanks one and all for your input. I’ve read every single post and I am really grateful for your collective wisdom.

The points that stand out for me are to bide my time and get on with grieving, for now, and to probably avoid the likes of McCarthy Stone etc.

The retirement apartment appealed as I suddenly feel vulnerable on my own. My DH was a complete wiz at any sort of DIY. I worry about something going wrong and not knowing what to do.

I probably relied on him too much but he was so good at fixing things, he just did it.

Those ladies on their own, how do you find the sort of handy man who will fix things without ripping you off?

There are quite a few retirement places around here, flats and groups of bungalows. Seriously, all, bar one, have limited parking for residents [none allocated, just get one where you can] and I happen to know it has caused problems for quite a few.

I think the planners underestimate, even today, the number of older people who drive and don't want to give up their cars...or arrive home with no space left to park in. A few places are on main roads with double yellow lines so nowhere nearby to park outside either.

Add to that the friends and relatives who come to visit, often an influx at weekends, also carers/cleaners who may come on a daily basis. Then visits by chiropodists, hairdressers, the people who tend the gardens.

Add to that the fact that with each changeover in ownership decor and kitchens/bathrooms are getting dated and tastes differ. So think of all the trades [and their large vans] needing to park nearby, those changing kitchens, bathrooms, tiling, electrics, plastering, taking out or putting in fitted wardrobes, carpet/flooring fitters etc. etc....and there is a big problem. All of which cause the residents days, maybe weeks of stress at an age where they can well do without it..

I do hope all the slagging off of retirement developments isn't discouraging people happily living in these kinds of flats from posting here.

I have visited a number of these developments and found them all very pleasant, and people who live in them enjoying their time there. The fact they would not suit me, does not mean that they do not suit others, but then we are serial house renovators and about to take on a final (I think ) house renovation in our selection of a down sized home and I would suggest that for most people on GN that would be their definition of hell on earth.

Abnuyc123

Thanks one and all for your input. I’ve read every single post and I am really grateful for your collective wisdom.

The points that stand out for me are to bide my time and get on with grieving, for now, and to probably avoid the likes of McCarthy Stone etc.

The retirement apartment appealed as I suddenly feel vulnerable on my own. My DH was a complete wiz at any sort of DIY. I worry about something going wrong and not knowing what to do.

I probably relied on him too much but he was so good at fixing things, he just did it.

Those ladies on their own, how do you find the sort of handy man who will fix things without ripping you off?

I think a lot of us probably want to know the answer to that question - ie how to find the sort of handyperson who will fix things without ripping us off.

I shall follow that thought with interest myself. Years back it was my father and boyfriends basically. Since moving to West Wales on retirement - first of all the electrician who came in to do a substantial amount of electrical work brought 2 different unskilled guys with him to help out and they both offered to come back at their rate per hour for odd jobs and I duly had one of them for a while and he went through the house replastering, then redecorating everywhere in the house and various "bits and bobs" (eg changing curtain rails, planting trees, etc).

I got recommended by a friend to someone who it turned out she didnt know that well - and she duly apologised for doing so when I said he'd turned out not to be as good as he thought he was and, when the penny dropped that he was a thief, I dropped him on the spot.

Basically - it's not easy. One possibility might be to ask a suitable local College to tell you about their short DIY courses for women - as, hopefully, they will do that and you could maybe attend one. Putting it as "When are these courses?" will give them a useful strong hint that they should be running one if they're not yet.

Maybe asking on your local Facebook page for a suitable person might produce a few contacts (though do be aware that people in some areas at least have a tendency to recommend their friends - rather than a tradesperson they don't know personally...but they turned out to be good).

It isn't easy for sure to find these sort of people and lots of us have to cobble together a solution to that as best we can.

So sorry for your loss. I know how you feel. I am looking in Shrewsbury/North Hereford areas, but I have never lived there only visited over the years. Don't rush. Talk to these wonderful people on GN. They have been very supportive of my looking for relocation. I am a good few years older than you, and I don't want to go into retirement villages. I see so many residents in this area who are not happy. The developer you mentioned. If I may take the liberty to advise... go and speak with residents. Have a good look around and note the attitude of the staff if you do go down that path. Be the secret shopper. Check out the restrictions - and there are many. I am thinking of posting on GN to see if anyone would house share each paying a share of the cost. Perhaps they could look out for each other. There are three such households where I live. They have everything set up legally. Do you have close relatives who you can talk to? I don't. My son and daughter have their own lives. (Another story). Which area do you live in? I am currently in North Yorks. Take a deep breath when that awful feeling of loss starts to take over. Go out and about.
Best regards

M0nica

Crossstitchfan I think you are confusing living in a retirement flat with living in a home.

A retirement flat/village development is occupied by older peeopl who are independent and live independent lives. Some find them very good to live in because they travel a lot and can go away for months and know their home is secure. Others move to one in their home town to continue to live and socialise in the ir usual way, but without worrying about the care and maintenance of a house.

I have friends living in retirement flats, none of them are remotely dependent on care, all drive, have cars and continue a busy social life outside their retirement development.

To be honst I do not really recognise your description of Care homes, although, I confess I found the 'singalong' sessions a bit grim, but never compulsory. Between 1975 and 2014, I was regulalry visiting different friends and relations in care. Four people in all in 6 different care homes.

Their experience there depended entirely on their personalities and capabilities. None chose to spend their days in the day room, and nobody made them, neither were they forced to take part in activities if they did not want to.

Personally retirement flats are not for me. DH and I, in our 80s are downsizing to another project house. DH is drawing up the planning application as I write, but I can see how they suit other people and I have friends living in them very happily. My only concern about them is the way they milk residents of money with high maintenance fees and taking a cut of the price when the flat is eventually sold.

Thanks Monica! I am getting really good at making a tw*t of myself recently!
I thought you would be younger than I am but it turns out we are a similar age. I find your posts knowledgeable and enjoyable.
Thanks for keeping a friendly eye on me!
Seriously though, don’t spread yourself too thin. You seem to be all things to all people here, but I gather you are not too well yourself. Please take care!

Abnuyc123

Thanks one and all for your input. I’ve read every single post and I am really grateful for your collective wisdom.

The points that stand out for me are to bide my time and get on with grieving, for now, and to probably avoid the likes of McCarthy Stone etc.

The retirement apartment appealed as I suddenly feel vulnerable on my own. My DH was a complete wiz at any sort of DIY. I worry about something going wrong and not knowing what to do.

I probably relied on him too much but he was so good at fixing things, he just did it.

Those ladies on their own, how do you find the sort of handy man who will fix things without ripping you off?

Finding the first person is the key Abnuyc123. Get a recommendation from a friend, a neighbour, someone who works in the little shop round the corner, for a plumber or an electrician whoever you need immediately you move in. Once you've found one you're happy with, get them to recommend who you need next - a painter/decorator etc, and say to them 'Mr Bloggs recommended you'. That word of mouth recommendation invariably means you get a good job at a decent price.

Thanks for all the replies. I’ve decided not to do anything for a year. I’m taking a year to grieve and sort myself out.

When someone dies, it’s so stressful, especially when it’s completely unexpected. Then you are left with sorting everything out.

People die all the time, fact. Yet, you’d think when you contact the different organisations, that it’s the first time they’ve ever had to deal with a bereavement,

My award for the least helpful and most difficult organisations to deal with goes jointly to Severn Trent and the DVLA.

Some really very good advice here.
So many on people on gransnet are kind, thoughtful and give valuable advice.
This thread has posts by many of them.
Abnuyc123 do take your time deciding what you want to do.
Read through all these answers again.
Whatever you decide I wish you well.

Thanks again everyone. x

I wouldn’t do anything in haste, stay put, whilst you write a plan, pros & cons of moving to a different area.
If you were to move to your son’s village, you may hopefully have made friends by the time they move.
Meanwhile, start getting rid of some stuff that you no longer use, believe me I did dozens of trips to the charity shops/tip, when I moved my M & D.
As for renting, you could do if you can afford it, or you could book a b & b for a week in each area, to get the feel of a place.
I would write myself a list of what each area has to offer- activities, walks, bus times/routes. Shops, SMarkets, post office, petrol, maybe train station nearby.
You could op for a small bungalow with low maintenance garden.
A lot of the schemes, flats/ one bed bungalows have extra monthly maintenance charges on top of CT as you already know, check what they offer, often not that much in my experience.
Good luck, whatever you decide.

You're very wise to give yourself a year.

Making life changing decisions when you're at your most vulnerable can lead to a very wrong decision.

You do need time and space to get past the very raw grief. Be kind to yourself. Hopefully you will feel it in yourself to know when the time is right to think about a move.

Abnuyc123

I can’t face moving twice, so renting is off the table. Even moving once feels very daunting.

I’m wondering whether I should spend money on this house, so I can love it. My concern is, I’ll spend the money and still not love it.

I think if there’s a possibility you might not love it even after work being done, it would appear your heart isn’t in that house. If you loved it, you wouldn’t be able to bear to leave it, no matter how inconvenient it is.
If I were you, I would take my time and have a look at some houses and flats, even those you think might not be suitable. You’ll find that things will show up that you hadn’t considered when you thought about moving.
Try to be a bit open-minded about where you’ll go. You might surprise yourself.
Other posters have pointed out many things to bear in mind, so there’s not much more to say. My advice would be :-
Look at lots of different possibilities. Don’t be put off by thinking a place isn’t for you, just because on paper, it might not be. For example, when I moved, I knew I wanted a house, not a flat. In spite of that, my daughter persuaded me to look at a particular block of flats, simply because she said I couldn’t dismiss a place just because I hadn’t considered it. The block was big, 9 floors with a beautiful sea view. I was determined not to go higher than the 4th floor, but again, my daughter said I should look higher, if only to be sure that it definitely wasn’t what I wanted. So I agreed to look at a flat on the 8th floor (gulp!). On the way to view it, I was determined I didn’t want it but the minute I walked in, I fell in love with it! I have been here for three years now and love it with a passion!
So, be open-minded, understand that what might not be what you think you want might be just perfect for you, as it was for me.
When you see the right place, you will know! Good luck!

Always go and at least do a drive by. Despite all the detail on Rightmove, and the easy of Google Streetview, there is nothing to beat actully seeing the area a property is in.

DS had not seen the house we have been chasing for a year - and have caught (cross fingers), until recently, although he had Rightmove and google street viewed it lots of times.

Once he saw it, he was lyrical about its position, not its convenient to amenities, which it is, but how leafy the area was, how open, the trees and so on. There is a big Victorian flour mill behind it, converted into flats and houses and when you google streetview the house, seems to be dominated by the mill, but when you are actually in the street and looking at the property, it is the trees and greenery that capture the eye.