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OH confusion!!

(60 Posts)
sue1169 Sun 22-Jan-17 16:46:21

Over the past twelve months my OH has woken up a.m about 5times...not knowing day.date.season.year etc etc I want him to see the doctor but he wont because he FORGETS he woke up like that and says i'm making it up!!!!!hes also changed.awkward(well more awkward!!!) nasty.no affection any more....at all!!! But does show to the children&grandchildren to a degree! But last Wed.in Dubai wherevive been helping DD and baby grandson...and he came out for a week..and each a.m he walked around the beautiful lake by DD's house...so wed a.m he came downstairs and said "Jeez I dont know where i am..where am i?? Am i in DD's house?.." then i askedvhim if he was doing the lake walk..he said "is that what i do?where is it? If i go outside i'll get lost" so this conversation went on.....then later he was fine except he looked awful...all day!!! Pale and vacant!!!DD&SIL were upset!!! But he now..again ..doesnt remember!! Wont see doc.am at my wits end..ive spoke to our doc but he cant do anything unless OH makes appointment!!!! Hes 71 looks at least 10yrs younger.fit.clever...could talk forevervre politics world affairs...but everyday/mundane stuff...does not sink in...dont know what to do..sorry for going on....the children keep saying mum you have to do something! Dad needs to see the doc....but i cant drag him there......

glammanana Sun 22-Jan-17 16:55:32

Is there a time when hubby is in a reasonable state of mind to sit and listen to what you have to say without dismissing your concerns or is he on the verge of being dismissive all day long,I would try and get his attention as soon as you are aware he can understand how worried you are and if not I would insist on a home visit from your Doctor so he can see your hubby first hand and go from there,flowers& ((hugs))

rosesarered Sun 22-Jan-17 16:56:31

sounds exactly like Alzhiemers, and you obviously know that but can't get him to see it.He will be afraid to admit it may be true.No, you can't drag him to the doctor, but you can [will have to] be forceful with him.There is medication to help slow down the memory loss.Ask him what could be worse than not knowing where he is and scared?What a situation for you.flowers

sue1169 Sun 22-Jan-17 17:08:25

Oh my post doesnt even begin to paint the picture..Ive tried to talk to him.I told him i spoke to doc..BUT he thinks i'm trying to make him think theres something wrong...that am making it up....and I do know that if i arranged a home visit he wouldnt speak to the doc and would prob walk out....oh dear what a mess.....

tanith Sun 22-Jan-17 17:20:54

sue1169 you have to arrange that home visit so you GP can see just what you are having to deal with. They have strategies for dealing with uncooperative patients I'm sure..
I can see how difficult things are becoming..

grannypiper Sun 22-Jan-17 17:26:22

sue i dont have any answers but i would fall back on my usual, write DH a letter explaining very gently how the situation is filling your days with stress and list the his actions that worry you most and tell him why they worry you.
I hope he understands your worries. We are all here for you brew&[cupcake}

M0nica Sun 22-Jan-17 17:27:41

sue1169 I so sympathise with you, my FiL was like that, except that in his case it wasn't dementia. He was depressed and clumsy and his doctor knew there was a problem as well so had him coming to see him monthly, even though his only medical problem was high blood pressure. Every visit the doctor asked how he was feeling, 'Fine' he would say, then one day he collapsed in the street. Fortunately outside the surgery, which was also near his home. By the end of the day he had a diagnosis of Parkinson's disease.

The tragedy for you, sue, is you may have to wait until your DH goes for a walk gets lost and either collapses or you report him as missing, before anything can be done.

It is the 'Catch 22'. Neither the doctor, nor anybody else, can do anything about seeing him and assessing his mental condition until he chooses voluntarily to see the doctor and admit the problem. Officially until he admits he has a problem there is nothing wrong with him, so no-one can interfere - until the crisis strikes.

As you say, 'what a mess'. Would he listen if his children spoke to him instead of asking you to act? I know my DD can often get DH to respond well to awkward truths when I cannot.

Meanwhile stay with us, we can only offer sympathy and virtual flowers but many of us have had experiences like yours, or varieties there of, and understand only too well the struggle your life is at present.

stayanotherday Sun 22-Jan-17 17:30:15

I agree about making another appointment and taking it from there as he needs to be assessed flowers

sue1169 Sun 22-Jan-17 17:43:48

Yes...he listens to the children and he says he will see the doctor...but he wont...and because the actual "episodes" dont happen very often the chances of doc seeing one are a million to one...and I know that if any of you saw him you would think he was ok.but Ive been with him 46yrs since I was 19....and hes just not HIM any more....explaining things to him aaagh but he says i'm an idiot and cant explain anything!!!asking him to do something..results in a slanging match because Im a nag...in Dubai DD told him off because of the way he speaks to me....but he would not be like that if doc came...he just wouldnt...but ladiesvplease dont think i'm beingvawkward and not heeding your advice...I am taking it all in...truly...just stressed....tired😒

MissAdventure Sun 22-Jan-17 17:46:30

Is there any way you could arrange for the doctor or nurse to call you both in, for a "general check up" type appointment? It might be a start.

Jane10 Sun 22-Jan-17 17:56:20

Does he actually still have the capacity to consent? You could see the GP yourself and outline your concerns. It would then be up to the GP to decide what to do. Otherwise its a matter of either trying to convince him to agree to assessment or wait for some sort of crisis. See the GP yourself asap. Good luck.

sue1169 Sun 22-Jan-17 18:05:52

Yes Jane he does still have the ability to consent...to all..99% of the time he seems ok....BUT!! I live here.i KNOW him..knew him!! The doctor doesnt know him..hes never sick and hes always worked overseas.oil&gas industry.string of letters after his name.very clever...still articulate BUT still the 'Episodes'and personality changes....oh heck...am going to make app tomorrow and speak to the doc again!

Jane10 Sun 22-Jan-17 18:08:57

Take a list of all the reasons for your concerns. Just list the behaviours though. Try to keep your emotion out of it.

sue1169 Sun 22-Jan-17 18:17:41

Ok Jane..but why? Oh this is all so new to me.

Marnie Sun 22-Jan-17 18:34:57

I really feel for you. My husband was going downhill but wouldn't,t see the doc and it took the crisis of my mother being ill and dieting that finally sent him what I call over the top. He awoke next day and couldn't remember a thing. He knew me but not his son or grandson. Didn't know what he liked to eat or drink. He has improved a tiny bit but needs reminding who is who and has carers to get him up and then just watches tv all day. It is soul destroying after 40+ years but I am still here nd so is he

Marnie Sun 22-Jan-17 18:35:50

That is mum died not dieting. Hate autospell

M0nica Sun 22-Jan-17 18:37:31

sue1169, I think I understand and I certainly accept all that you are saying. I have some experience of people in the early stages of dementia and it is really very, very difficult. When they visit the doctor they seem to have a sudden surge of mental acuity, and, as you say, cannot remember or choose not to, memory can be very selective, the difficulties they are having.

Could you keep a diary of his dysfunctional behaviour for, say, a fortnight? You would then have something to show the doctor when you go to see him. See if you can speak to your practice's psychiatric nurse, or directly to the memory clinic.

You could also talk to Age Concern They have a fact sheet that may be helpful www.ageuk.org.uk/Documents/EN-GB/Information-guides/AgeUKIG47_caring_for_someone_with_dementia_inf.pdf?dtrk=true

It might also be helpful to speak to your local branch of the Alzheimers Society or go to their website.www.alzheimers.org.uk/site/scripts/documents.php?categoryID=200343

gretel Sun 22-Jan-17 18:43:15

Sue1169, please have a look at the alzheimers.org.uk forum. It is called Talking Point. You will find a lot of helpful information re getting a diagnosis. Denial is very common amongst those with dementia. There are lots of different types of dementia. It is helpful to keep a diary of unusual behaviours. Your GP could perhaps call your husband into the surgery for a general check up. I hope that you are able to get some help and support.

Swanny Sun 22-Jan-17 18:58:38

Sue I've known of couples before in this situation where one has kept a note of events and discussed them in advance with the gp, who has then called them both in for a 'wellbeing' appointment as MissAdventure suggests. OH will 'psych' himself up to be on top form but if you both go in together and you are 'assessed' first, he will have relaxed somewhat and be more natural when it's his turn. It does depend on having an empathetic doctor though.

PS I hope your DD and baby DGS are doing well - if I remember correctly he arrived sooner than expected didn't he? flowers to all

Anya Sun 22-Jan-17 19:13:53

Sounds like DH. He is in the early stages of vascular dementia.

FarNorth Sun 22-Jan-17 19:29:29

Ask your GP if there is a Dementia Nurse, or suchlike, in your area who could see your DH.
If the GP or nurse could have a general chat with him at an "assessment" as suggested, he might come out with his ideas that you are making things up, nagging unreasonably etc, which could give away the fact that his thought processes are not quite right.

I hope the links given will help you.

sue1169 Sun 22-Jan-17 19:46:10

Thank you all.. Truly..feeling bit scared now..bit bewildered. Glad...from my heart that have you all to talk to.... on a happier note yes premature grandson is doing so well and darling daughter recovering from c.section!! May need to go back tho (Dubai)for another 2or3 weeks which brings its own problems...on arriving back yesterday was horified at the state of the house with just OH being here....

SueDonim Sun 22-Jan-17 19:54:20

What a difficult situation. sad If you have a smart phone you could try filming him on his nocturnal walkabouts, to show him what he's doing.

FarNorth Sun 22-Jan-17 20:23:25

Or recording what he says - to show to him or to the GP.

It is a scary situation for you- you must get help with it.

Ankers Sun 22-Jan-17 20:37:10

I was going to say the say as SueDonim and FarNorth about filming him?