Time for another great Gransnet story!

So he piled his trolly high with them, spent a few minutes checking his share prices (stocks were falling) and set off again in search of

Shaving cream. She wouldn’t kiss him unless he was freshly shaven and smelt sweet. He couldn’t find any shaving soap but suddenly thought - I know what I could use instead ...

Squirt cream thats the answer as she slathered the cream over his manly jaw. He closed his eyes as a delicious shiver ran down his....

...chin. Hang on I can't see myself he muttered, oh I know I'll use this mother's day card I forgot to send. It's got a shiny oval on the front and it says 'look at yourself mum, you're not that old are you'. He rummaged in his pocket but instead of finding the card he pulled out...

An old sticky toffee that had been lurking in his pocket for some time. Keen to partake of some nourishment, he hastily wiped the fluff off the sweet and stuck it in his mouth. Feeling sick he

In the very back of one shelf he spied 6 small cans. Behold! Pickled herring. The sell by date was long past,yet the thought of herring with a tiny bit of brown sauce made him swoon.

Right into the trolley belonging to Mad Maud the one eyed Landlady of the ‘Quaking Vicar’ a local hostelry in the town.

you are coming with me, she declared, still muzzy headed our hero agreed and was led , still clutching his pickles in one hand .........

he followed Mad Maud down into the cellar whereupon he discovered it was a playroom. What's the Safe word he asked his mistress Maud..

There is no ‘safe ‘ word she cackled hahahahahaha ( in. A cackling way)

She handed him a book , read that she said , I will be back later and we will see what you are made of.
Sadly our hero had forgotten his glasses , squinting at the book he thinks it’s called 50 sheds of grey, that can’t be right he said , anyway he still had the pickles, so for now he was happy........

Grumpy, Sleepy and Doc looked up. They'd been wondering where he was. 'Quick,' they said 'Let's...'

tear pages from the book and make origami animals. We will present them to Maude on her return and tell her they are gifts for her great generosity.

But somehow it didn't work out. Grumpy kept complaining it was the wrong sort of paper, Doc kept asking if they'd sprayed everything with sanitiser and Sleepy just fell asleep which left our hero whose attempts at cranes and frogs were inadequate. "Blow this for a basket of monkeys" he cried and

at that precise moment a beautiful young girl with raven hair and cherry lips (who's name escapes me at the moment) was heard talking to the pretty birds and animals outside as she gaily brushed the front step in her blue and yellow dress. Our hero was smitten and he...

Smote her. She sprang back, 'Seize him guards' she shouted and immediately...

Metamorphosed into Snow White’s wicked stepmother. Still shouting at anyone who would listen ‘bring me apples, red red apples, the juiciest you can find’ then as an add on ‘and a mirror, the kind that you get in M&S which makes you look half the size and 30 years younger’ hurry up you imbeciles. She strode off, her cloak flying behind her towards the Wibbly Wobbly Forest where ....

she lived in a smallish but well eqipped castle with all mod-cons but no mirrors because she was in the habit of smashing them whenever she didn't like the look of herself. At the last count she was due 784 years bad luck because of this. But she ignored it and always

Tried to play up her good points, remembered to smile a lot (but not enough to cause wrinkles) and of course, a good dollop of old fashioned botox.

She had reached the castle gates when a man sauntered up to her casually and said, "Hey babe wanna be in the movies? My name's Walt Disney, but you can call me Walt." She turned sharply to shout at him "Don't you know who I am? I'm far too busy to talk to you, I've got to.....

spike, I mean spice these apples that have just been delivered to me from M&S". "Oh, you're a connoisseur" said Walt, sounding rather impressed. "I'd love to try some when you've spiced them". Putting on her coyest and most seductive face she looked toward him and said ...

"Just a little nibble then Walt honey but not before you tell me if theres a sequel to this tale" "Never" said Walt "our children will never be exploited by Disney we are too moral for that"so she gave him a nibble on her apple and Walt...

Had never tasted anything so delicious as her pink lady.
In fact, dear reader, he decided he must marry her there and then..
So, he....

went down on one knee but before he could speak and ask for her hand she gave a sudden cry and skipped off into the forest calling "Wait for me!" leaving him stuck. Deep in the forest

where the wild bears roam, there lived a troll (full de roll) in a deep dark dank cave in the cliff face soaring above the tree tops. As soon as he heard the lovely maiden running through the undergrowth - "oh damn" she cried "I've snagged my tights and I'm so far from a shop And will they be open anyway" - he slowly raised his nose and sniffed the air. Hmmmm, now that smells like a tasty maiden, I must.....

I must improve my bust. For the troll was a woman, and even better than that a Gran! She felt so...

Jealous of the lovely young maiden. She too had once been young and beautiful, but the passage of time had been cruel.