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Can I help and yet follow the guidelines, and is it even wise.

(42 Posts)
LizH13 Mon 23-Mar-20 23:35:01

My DD is due to have an elective caesarean on Wednesday, the plan was our DGS (3) was to stay with us until she was safely delivered, and then return with him to help out when she is home. SiL has his own business that always seems to take priority so I know there's little chance of him stepping up. Following tonight's announcement they have asked if I can stay with them until she is home and in a routine to help her and DGS.. DH would stay home. I know this is against the guidelines. I'm 66 and in reasonably good health. Any advice to help my dilemma would be welcome I am so fearful for my little family.

Marilla Mon 23-Mar-20 23:51:28

Hello Liz, I have sent you a message.

Hetty58 Tue 24-Mar-20 00:01:26

You need advice on this. Is it really worth breaking the rules (they are not merely guidelines) and risking a fine?

Does it come under 'caring for a vulnerable person'? I doubt it. Do they really need you? If so, why?

I hope you aren't asking for approval. The rules apply to everyone, convenient or not.

LizH13 Tue 24-Mar-20 00:25:46

Hetty58 I don't want to break the rules, nor risk a fine.
Do they need me? Well I'm sure they'd appreciate DGS being cared for while his parents are at the hospital, we are already aware that there will be no one with her apart from the father.
Once she is home that becomes a different matter but either way rules will be broken.

Hetty58 Tue 24-Mar-20 04:44:18

I would have thought that your grandson should be cared for by his father. He really should step up but never will if you step in.

Hospitals have very strict no-visiting policies at present. Your SIL really doesn't need to be there. We are in a time of crisis.

You'll probably get away with it but it just doesn't seem right to leave your husband alone right now.

Ginny42 Tue 24-Mar-20 04:59:43

I see your dilemma and I would want to take care of my GS. I wonder if there is a way of applying for exemption? Ask your MP?

Hetty58 Tue 24-Mar-20 05:07:51

If we progress to total lockdown (with army roadblocks) as in other countries, you may be unable to return home. By leaving home, you expose yourself - and your entire family, to the virus. It can be a killer. The responsible thing to do is to stay at home.

Catmac Tue 24-Mar-20 05:08:00

I look after my grand daughter one day a week and it will increase as both parents are now working at home.
I usually walk (30 mins) to collect her. I have just been picking her up from the door, taking her home and then delivering her back without entering their house.
The new advice states no contact and stay home.
Am I compromising everyone by still looking after her?
I'm in my mid 60s and have an urgent referral with the hospital in 2 weeks and need to keep virus free.

Hetty58 Tue 24-Mar-20 05:13:31

Catmac, please, you need to stop looking after her and stay at home. Her parents will have to work from home and look after her too. It can be done. Please stay safe!

Jane10 Tue 24-Mar-20 06:49:27

If you move in with your DD and family you'd become part of their household which would be OK. However, you'd need to stay there for 12 weeks or however long this will go on. You'd have to leave DH on his own. How would you feel about that?

Hetty58 Tue 24-Mar-20 07:16:14

Lockdown means lockdown - no excuses. It's a life and death situation.

Petalou44 Tue 24-Mar-20 07:21:21

My daughter has 3 children aged 3, 6 and 9. Her husband left them all very soon after the youngest was born. She works hard to provide a home for them all. She's working from home during lockdown. I'm 66 and have always helped to look after the children. Now I'm being pressured by my friends and siblings to stop contact. How can I? She has no-one else to help.

Madgran77 Tue 24-Mar-20 07:22:03

Catmac you are compromising yourself and others. You should stop immediately. I understand how difficult it is but the parents have to sort their problem out, not you flowers

Madgran77 Tue 24-Mar-20 07:27:15

Liz The parents have to find a solution, not you. If you go you will have to leave your husband for weeks and weeks. SIL will have to step up and wont if you let him off those responsibilities flowers

Hetty58 Tue 24-Mar-20 07:32:51

Petalou44, I lost my husband when the kids were young. I managed all by myself, with four kids and work - for years.

In the present crisis situation, I would ban my mother from visiting for her own safety. I'm sure that your daughter can manage for three months.

It will be good for the children to learn to care for each other, become more responsible and independent. Listen to your friends and siblings - they are quite right.

Riverwalk Tue 24-Mar-20 07:43:12

I think they're being selfish in even asking you, particularly after the new rules. They are rules which will be backed by the law, not guidelines by the way.

Helping a single parent or in an emergency is one thing, but for them to expect to book you in for the duration is a bloody cheek.

Hetty58 Tue 24-Mar-20 07:46:05

Spot on, Riverwalk!

Madgran77 Tue 24-Mar-20 12:17:37

Petalou It is hard I know but you should stop flowers

morethan2 Tue 24-Mar-20 13:02:59

So what advice can anyone give me.
My DiL is at the end of her terminal illness, she is newly completely blind and is totally helpless. Needs help with personal care can do nothing, absolutely nothing for herself. My son is home with her and three children, shopping can be dropped off. But the children are distressed and that’s occasionally manifesting itself as very difficult behaviour. I’m worried sick about his mental and emotional health and ability to cope. If the worst happens and it may and she ends up being blue lighted to hospital who will stay with my grandchildren. If we all stay away will the children and my DiL feel abandoned at a time they need us the most. At every turn I just fear a disaster. I’m upset and very scared now.

Riverwalk Tue 24-Mar-20 13:09:08

morethan2 I'm very sad to read of your DIL's condition.

Assuming you are in reasonable health yourself, IMO you are well within the rules to help your family - if they don't count as 'vulnerable' I don't know who does.

If you're up to it, mentally & physically I would go to your son and his family in their time of critical need.


Sussexborn Tue 24-Mar-20 13:18:56

Is there room for you to stay with the family morethan? I am sure allowances will be made under the circumstances. Incredibly hard for you. So sorry this is happening to you and your family especially at such a horrendous time.

Sussexborn Tue 24-Mar-20 13:22:14

When my friend reached this stage she kept asking what time it was every few minutes. We got a click from the Blind society shop that told her the time whenever she wanted to know. Having some control meant she became less obsessed with it. Time must take on a new meaning when it is running out.

Sussexborn Tue 24-Mar-20 13:26:43

My friend was reluctant to leave the hospice but they needed the beds. This was in 2000. Do you have a partner who figures in the situation?

MissAdventure Tue 24-Mar-20 13:30:15

I think I would move in with the family for the foreseeable future, morethan.

Eglantine21 Tue 24-Mar-20 13:43:16

It is because of heartbreaking circumstances like yours morethan that the Caring for the Vunerable exception has been made.

To move in would be best but if that is not possible then you can go to help.
If you are isolating and they are isolating, now schools are closed, then the risk is minimal.

This is truly an exceptional circumstance where support for all the family is essential.

I’m so sorry you have this to bear ?