Can't do right for doing wrong

Not to mention that 1 in 12 will go up if infection rates get too high again (likely this winter) because over 70s just won't get treated
Do stop scaremongering please, starblaze.
The idea of deliberately withholding care and treatment from anyone based on their age would be anathema to anyone working in the NHS.

I do under stand where you are coming from I was in the same thing now I dont tell them nothing all is cosy when they ring only say what you want to say older children think that thay should know all but NO in my book enjoy your life dont bough down to them

Rudeness can sometimes be a sign of anxiety and I agree with the suggestion that your children are worried about you. The older age group is vulnerable in two ways. Firstly we are more likely to get the virus because it attaches itself to a protein that your cells make more of as you get older. Secondly once we have contracted the virus we are more likely to have a bad time with it or even die.

My god whoever do your children think they are. Reading this has made me very angry. I too have some experience of a daughter who believes she know so much better than me and often leaves me speechless. But your children beggers belief. How rude and bossy they are. They have no right to speak to you in that way. I would treat them with the contempt they deserve. Just live your life and try and enjoy as much as you can despite them x

Wow, at their ages and the drug stuff was only 9 years ago! It's not like they were dumb ass teenagers. They're jerks and 200 miles away. Yipee.
I don't like them using the grandchildren as emotional blackmail either.
Don't tell them what you're doing. Carry on you and hubby and enjoy yourselves. Make you happy.
If they ever speak to you like that again you must put them in their place(s).
Ya got a will? hmm?

I am so sorry to hear this and send you a great big hug. There is no excuse for children, of any age, to treat their parent like this when all you have done is be a good mum. I really do sympathise. I feel kind of glad they are so far away from you and this is just down the phone. If they do this again, just say that you are putting the phone down. The worse thing is using the grandchildren as some kind of bargaining too. Unforgivable and cruel. I have some similar experience. We mums always blame ourselves, but we shouldn't. Just keep doing your daily exercise and stay healthy. I hope your kids will apologise to you very soon and show some respect. Be good to yourself. Another hug. xx

If they are going to verbally abuse you then it's you that has the choice. Either you let them or you don't. If and when you speak to them soon, and let them make the first move, then just don't tell them what you are doing, I am sure that they don't tell you what they are up to. AC's always like to blame their parents for their psychological well-being and seldom take any responsibility when it all goes wrong. Life is too short. Try to remove yourself from it all.

Why don't you just suggest a line is drawn now. You won't mention past events and mistakes, they won't either - so now a clean slate.

Let's face it, they are being aggressive and unreasonable because they are worried about you. If they didn't care about you they'd be neutral and laid back about things.

Of course go out and walk the dog. Exercise and fresh air are important. I agree with them about avoiding all shops, though. That's where the virus can be transmitted.

Just ask your local voluntary organisations to shop for you, if necessary. That's what they're there for.

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Well I disagree with a lot of people on here. My children are also telling us to stay in (within reason) and Im rather touched that they care about us! Of course we go for walks, we have food delivered etc but don't do any elaborate cleaning of the food or ourselves after delivery (should we?)
I think bringing up the drugs was unfortunate - we often say things we regret when we are upset/angry. I would apologise and keep the peace. I cant see the point in further antagonising them when they mean well, even if it came over badly!

I admit that I follow my daughter’s instructions to the letter regarding going out etc. I keep quiet about anything she may not approve of. She suffers badly with anxiety and I don’t want to add to it. She told me that she wants me to stay inside now so that we can have time together when this is all over. I’m stir crazy but happy to comply!!

Ignore the bullying pair do what your doing.

Hi 32111.
Firstly, you sound like a very tolerant, kind, supportive and loving mother.
You are absolutely right to live your life they way you see fit. It’s your life and no one else’s and at this time in your life, your entitled to make your own mind up on how you will live. You have done all you can, from what you have said about how you have tried to protect yourself and others, at this time. I’ve seen some sights over the past few weeks and not involving older people, ridiculous to say older people spread Covid19.
You have also done as much as you can for your adult children, who clearly live their lives as they see fit and blame you for mistakes they have made. They are lucky that they have a mum who is still there for them, especially speaking to you in the way you describe.
The relationships sound complex and I’m not sure who feels the guilt? Sometime anger can be a cove for guilt, maybe they need to sort out their issues rather than trying to hurt and blame you.
Concentrate on enjoying what you can in each day and don’t dwell on their hurtful words.

I have a troublesome grandson, 18, who only ever contacts me to ask for something, usually money. He lives with his mother who is unfair. He gets paid monthly but he spends it straightaway. I honestly don't know if he actually cares about me or not. He's not on drugs, I see him once a week.

I think a lot of us on Gransnet have family problems but don't like to admit it.

well i think mentioning the drugs crisis was not a loving thing to do. it was below the belt, like hitting a person when they are down. but you lashed out, i suppose. you can say sorry.
they annoyed you, but swearing is quite common among younger people, just used for emphasis, it doesn't always carry the same violent sound as it does for older people.
they are concerned about you, and felt they were not getting through to you. if they didn't care they wouldn't bother urging you to be careful.
draw a line. start again. be the bigger person. apologise and thank them for their concern.
older people are at much greater risk, and it's not all down to underlying health problems. it's something to do with the immune system. and there is nothing we can do about that.
maybe some of us resent having our vulnerabilities pointed out because we are frightened of the implications; we don't like the idea, so we deny its reality.
not just you OP, i mean people generally. i think we may be motivated by deep subconscious emotions that are very uncomfortable, and everything gets all mixed up, and it comes out as hostility esp to family members.
maybe we can cope better with being outraged, angry, than to face vulnerability, how little control we really have over our lives. and all this plague brings it home, with a bump.

It sounds crazy. They just want an excuse to tell you off. Your actions don't sound irresponsible at all. They sound very dysfunctional. Why do they blame everything on you? This isn't really about you or what you're doing now. They want to offload their anger on you. Family counselling is required if you want them in your lives. I'm sorry this happened, but the relationship is deeply troubled.

Certainly know how you feel. I’ve had the same verbal ‘talking down’ from my daughter back in the middle of March .....on the first day I was supposed to be in isolation. We had arrived home the night before from spending some time in the US which was why we had to go into 14 days of home isolation. But instead I went grocery shopping the following morning because the fridge was completely empty, and on the way home ran into the hairdressers to get a quick trim before they closed down! I realize now that I made the stupid mistake of telling her about my busy first day when I talked to her that evening on the phone. She was absolutely furious with me and ranted and raved about my irresponsible behaviour etc. etc. I was completely dumbstruck by her tone and what she was saying - so much so that it rendered me speechless.

It has made me realize that although I love my daughter I really don’t think that I like her that much, because this isn’t the first time she has spoken angrily to me. So ever since that incident in mid March I’ve kept my distance and have certainly not looked for opportunities to call her or get involved with her. I’ve also learned my lesson and do not intend to share with her where I go or what I do (once we are through with this pandemic). My husband is very upset with me .....that I can cut her out of my communication over what he says was an over reaction to a mistake that I made - but I intend to protect my back from ever being on the receiving end of her tongue lashings again because it’s disrespectful. I’ve now accepted that my daughter is bossy and with an over controlling personality, so our relationship going forward will definitely be different.

I can resonate with the phrase ‘a Mother’s place is in the wrong’ I think as children become adults it becomes impossible to please everyone and we get the blame whatever happens.

I'm absolutely heartbroken for you, how can they be so nasty to you, kids can be so unkind, and easily forget all you have done for them over the years. Your doing everything right in regards to the lock down, how dare they suggest otherwise. So sorry they are putting you through this, stay strong for your own sake, sod them. Xx

welbeck maybe we can cope better with being outraged, angry, than to face vulnerability, how little control we really have over our lives. and all this plague brings it home, with a bump.
You’re spot on with this observation, I think.
There’s a balance between striving to achieve our goals and acceptance of the limitations which life or fate put in our way.

Everybody is under terrible strain these days and heated words are often said out of sheer frustration and anger. My daughter and grandsons advised we stay home. I am 77 and my husband 87. My grandson is a medical student and our daughter has worked in NHS for almost 40 years. We respected there views and have been in lockdown since 3/3/20. I do not think such awful bullying tactics helpful and can understand why drug issues were raised in comparison. I’m afraid I would not be prepared to make contact at all. Hopefully it will simmer down and resolve given time. If not then sadly you have to accept and leave your family members behind when disagreements cannot be resolved.

Can I offer another perspective? Were you ever annoyed with your own parents as an adult? Possibly for some unatoned for childhood wrongdoing on their part that kept showing up at the most inopportune times in your adult life? At some point children do feel a responsibility for their adult parents and they do not always do a good job of presenting that sense of responsibility. Sometimes it comes across as bossy, bratty behavior and seems out of place coming from them (after all we raised them not the other way around!). If your children are generally not awful to you and treat you respectfully most of the time, then apologize to them for your ill timed presentation of past regrets (obviously they have not completely moved past it or it would not have bothered them to the extent it did). Have you brought this up at other stressful times or is this the first time it's come up since the events 9(?) years ago? If this is not the first time, then you need to discuss all of it together and move past it resolved or not. Use this as a moment to look at yourself through your children's eyes. Children do blame their parents for things that went wrong in their childhood and some don't see how their own decisions played a part in their sorrows. Sometimes they can't move on until an apology is made for the things they (and maybe you) couldn't control. I am playing devils advocate here and just trying to get you to see things from their point of view - it's hard to do that when you are angry at them (for either past mistakes or current ones). I hope you all come to some agreement on how to get along happier. I wasted too many years with my own mom being angry and/or bossy and didn't realize we could get along better until the last few years. She died last week of Covid. Don't waste a lot of time being angry or right, figure out how to be happy with each other. Nobody's perfect.

Clearly your adult child is not in a 12 step recovery program. If they were the would not take this attitude with you. By the one, I mean the one who did drugs.

Understandably you have never dealt with your own hurt and pain from it.

I am in longterm recovery. I'm a longterm member of A.A and Al-Anon. Al-Anon is the sister of A.A for those with someone in their lives whose drinking and/or drug use has/is causing or has caused a problem whether they are in recovery or not.

I suggest you have a look at Al-Snon U.K website

Your adult youngster has clearly not dealt with their stuff. I know cos I'm 17 years sober. The words you say they said are not the words of someone who is in longterm emotional recovery

I don't see you as in the wrong. Nor should you be talked to like that

janeainsworth, thank you for that validation.

grant1, i'm sorry for your loss.
i totally agree with your wisdom, borne of your experience.
please everyone, take note. life is short. say what you mean now, to those who mean something to you.

destin, but you were very irresponsible, risking others' safety.

Very wise words grant1. I relate to what you've written in so many ways that I shall never divulge on GN.

Some people seem to have an idyllic relationship with their children, but dig a bit deeper and one often finds that the parent/child relationship isn't an easy one.