Denied contact with grandchildren

He put the gift outside there door when he recovered.

No! What is going on in her head?

Guilt

Attentions seeking

Her!! Not you!
I think you and your DH have behaved like saints!

She may be trying to show that it's not her dad she's fallen out with, just you. If so, she's missing the biggest thing ever ..... you are a married couple and just like her and her husband you are a team who support each other. She can't isolate you from everyone, she can't control what everyone thinks of the situation you can only fool all of the people some of the time. Well done that man for being so loyal and in such a calm way .

I can understand and sympathise with you as my 44 yr old daughter is very volatile and even though I did loads and gave loads when her children were small whenever she argued with me I wouldn’t see the children, so what I started doing was going to the school to see them over the gate at play time.
I would take a photo of them with me to show who I was incase anyone thought I was an oddball.
She soon come around when she missed everything she had from me.
Something I thought of in your case is if you sold them the land their house is built on ie is it freehold or Leasehold.

Lesley
Did you find a way to manage your volatile daughter...if so what's your secret?

Lesley60

Trying to see your GC behind their parents' backs is not okay. It teaches the kids that they don't have to listen to their parents and also teaches them that secrets are okay. This can predispose them to becoming abuse victims - not by you, of course, but by someone else.

You could potentially have gotten into very serious trouble.

Deb, I agree w/ Pam, that your D may be trying to show that she is not angry w/ him, only you (sigh). In fact, D may think it wouldn't be fair to deny her dad a gift when she isn't upset w/ him.

However, I also agree w/ Pam that D needs to realize that you and DH are a team, just as she and SIL are. He's going to stand by you, just as she would want SIL to stand by her. Clearly, if she wants to maintain her relationship w/ him, she's going to have to resolve things w/ you.

Thanks everyone.
Husband couldn’t believe she thought it was ok to say happy Father’s Day at the same time as denying us access to the kids.how could he possibly be happy in that situation?
He is really upset too. In 50 years I’ve never seen him as upset as he is now. How could she not see That?

Yes, I agree with Pam and Deb. A Fathers Day gift alone is not a big enough attempt at reconciliation. (I wondered if the gift had been accepted would your daughter have asked her Dad to do the school run on Monday morning!!) They need to initiate a conversation with you both and if they do I really, really hope they'll treat you with the respect that you deserve.

Personally, I wouldn't be playing her games anymore. Compose yourself, knock the door and go in, say you need to speak about the impossible situation they have put you and your husband in. They know how much you love them all and the very close bond you gave with gc, if they have a problem with that then tell us the new rules and you will reduce contact. If they do not want to be fair in any way and wish things remain as they are, say that is not an option, you don't intend to life your life with your own family 30 feet away ignoring you. I would consult a solicitor and see what you can legally do. Then do it. They have shown what they are capable if, using their own children do cruelly to hurt you. It's horrible bring estranged, but you sat wait all your life in case they might, just might extend an olive branch, they rarely do, but I can tell you from personal experience the hurt and the upset they cause never goes when you do reconnect, some thing that was prescious has been lost and never replaced, the trust has gone, the reality that they could ever do such a thing and they could again never keaves you.

How dare she!! I would have been soooo angry DH would have needed to sit on me!

Yes, peonyrose completely agree with you. Good advice.

Peonyrose

I would not recommend a face-to-face sitdown in that manner, for several reasons.

1. It's incredibly disrespectful. It is quite possible that in OP's jurisdiction she could even be charged with trespassing if she just enters their home unannounced. She can't treat them as naughty children. They are adults.

2. Sitdowns of this sort are almost guaranteed not to work. 99.9% of such sitdowns I have heard of ended badly.

If they have asked for space, she needs to give it to them. Forcing a discussion before they are ready is likely to make the estrangement worse.

I do agree that it would be helpful for her to get legal advice. If she and her husband no longer want to have them living on their property, that is reasonable.

I agree that to enter the house without an invitation would be inappropriate but "incredibly disrespectfulit's the OP's D who is being disrespectful.

Asking for space and then turning up at her parent's door with a fathers day gift is game playing.

I'm glad your DH responded in the way he did, making his point in the calmest way possible. I hope he's feeling a little better. This is very distressing for you both; I'm so sorry.

My fear is that just barging over there, even if she knocks, would only end up in a huge row. Very likely, Deb would be screamed at before she even had a chance to get a word in.

"If they have asked for space, she needs to give it to them. Forcing a discussion before they are ready is likely to make the estrangement worse."

Agreed.

"Asking for space and then turning up at her parent's door with a fathers day gift is game playing."

Agreed also. Or, at best, it's sending mixed messages. If D doesn't want her parents showing up at her door unannounced, IMO, she shouldn't show up at theirs unannounced either.

But D probably won't/doesn't see that. So I would just leave things alone for a while and give her time to chill out.

Starlady, I would never barge in anywhere, I would however, if a phone call or email didn't work, walk the 30 feet and then say we need to talk about the fact that we live in such close proximity and you as you have decided to sever contact , the situation needs sorting sooner rather than later it isn't viable, so confusing to the grandchildren, it's not their problem.
I gather that as you have such a knowledge of estrangement, that you are either still estranged or possibly reconciled with your family. All situations are different, but in this case living in each other's pockets almost, it is particularly hard. I have read how hard it was for Smileless, she more than anyone knows the pain of living so close to her son and family and the upset when they passed close by.mimagine if they are just feet away.

Our son has now become involved and is trying to get D to sit and talk for exactly the reason you say peonyrose. It is not a viable situation.
Unfortunately at present she refuses as “we are not ready to talk” because DH refused Father’s Day gift.
To be honest we are starting to feel that they need to go, we can live like this it’s ruining our health.
We are seeing a solicitor tomorrow to see what we can do

Should be can’t live like this.

Debcz

Your son should not be getting involved. There should be no pressure to force a sitdown. There are two issues here.

1. It's not fair to expect another adult to mediate between the two of you. I have been in the same position as your son. It's untenable. I'd suggest you say to him, "Look, son, I appreciate what you're trying to do, but this is our issue. Please stay out of it."

2. There is, I would say, a 99.9% chance this sitdown will not go well. The sitdowns I have heard of occurring in similar situations usually ended up being a gong show. (Canadianism for a big mess.) It may actually increase the issues.

I do agree that you need to see a solicitor.

Sorry. Didn’t make myself clear. D involved son. We were trying hard to keep him out of it.

I haven't read all the posts yet. But once again I have to say people will only treat you the way you allow them to. Parents need to be assertive. Why do they think they have to take sh*t from children. Sorry for the language but I'm a bit annoyed about so many rude children. My children are not perfect either but I don't let myself be a doormat.

Perhaps the gift was her way of trying to repair the situation and your DH rejecting it just made matters worse? She obviously thought enough of her Dad to buy/make a present but now feels as if the barrier is impenetrable.
I'm not saying that how she is acting is right but trying to see it from her angle.