Is there anyone here whose estranged adult child re-established contact?

Again, so sorry about all the sad stories here and happy for the reconciliations. One thing I think is especially wrong is when AC blame one parent for a divorce and go NC b/c of it. If the parent was abusive to spouse or kids, that's the only reason I can understand that. Otherwise, even if they cheated, well, we don't know the dynamics of another couple's relationship, even our parents, and, IMO, should not take sides.

Ok, I realize, sometimes, there are issues w/ a parent's new spouse that lead to estrangement. But I don't think it should ever be b/c one parent divorced the other. That's their right, and AC have no say in it. No doubt, most of them reserve the same right for themselves.

I was thinking the same thing Starlady can you imagine how an AC would feel if they divorced their partner who their parents were really fond of, so they decided to cut them out?

You'd think they'd want their parents to be happy, even if that meant they could no longer be together.

I see both my sons on a regular basis but my problem is that they won't speak to one another. They have not met for several years and they won't tell me why.
I am at a loss as to sort it out.
How can I reconcile them?

You can't mrsmopp. Being in both of their lives maintains the link they have to one another but there's really nothing you can do.

Yes. We have a different relationship now, but it works. Good luck x

Mrsmopp, they are adults if they don't want to speak to each other that's thier business, can you not respect their right to make their own decisions and choices?

^"I see both my sons on a regular basis but my problem is that they won't speak to one another. They have not met for several years and they won't tell me why.
I am at a loss as to sort it out.
How can I reconcile them?"^ You can't because they don't care to.

Mrsmopp, I so feel for you. It must hurt terribly to see your 2 DSs so estranged for so many years. Hugs!

IMO, it's normal for you to want to know why they're estranged. But it's their right, of course, not to tell you. And it may be something you wouldn't want to her/they may be protecting you. Besides, what good would it do if they told you? Would you try to mediate? Evaluate the situation and take sides? All that would be likely to do is backfire and cause one or both to be angry at you. So please trust their judgment and leave it alone. You really don't need to know why they are estranged and you are probably better off not knowing.

IMO, also, it's normal for you, as their mum, to want to "fix" things. But, as others have indicated, there's really nothing you can or should do since they are adults, after all.

I know you won't stop thinking about it altogether. But please try to let it go as much as you can.

Thanks for these replies - you are right of course and it does sadden me that I have to see them separately each time - no family gatherings at Xmas etc.
well I expect they will have to speak to each other when I pop my clogs and they have to share my stuff out ?

Hi Thanks for all the kind and supportive messages.
I have given it a lot of thought and I am positive staying away is the best thing. I feel sorry for anyone who does not have the brains to see through the lies of someone with many an axe to grind.
It is sad for the DGC but I could not bear to have the same abuse from a young child (7).
I would never have treated my parents like this.
Thanks everyone

Totally with you. What is a DH, a DC etc:

DH - dear husband, DC - dear child, etc. Click on Acronyms above for more.

Sugarpuffairy- Peace...

Sugarpuffairy I totally understand. Before we moved
Mr. S. said that if we stayed in the village, just 15 doors away from our ES and only GC, that at least we might get to see the children from time to time, even if we couldn't talk to them.

I remembered reading about an EP and GP who went to her ED's house with a birthday gift for her GD. The other GM was there and opened the door and the GD, I think she was 7 or 8 told her GM not to let her in because she's a bitch.

I told this sad story to Mr. S. and said I'd never want to risk being abused by our own GC. It was something he'd never considered happening, but clearly it can and does.

Hi all
I heard a similar story [prob on here] where the grandmother went to estAC house with Xmas gifts, they were out, but GC was there with babysitter. GM gave the gifts to BS with GC standing on the stairs behind, GM said come and give your nannie a hug & kiss before I go the little girl said No! we don't talk to you because we don't like you! The GM contemplated taking her life that day.
Strangely they were all reunited shortly after, maybe the BS told what happened and they felt bad and so they should.

Yes. A few years ago, I had a disagreement with my son's girlfriend and he took her side against me (which is natural). I hoped we would make up and made a point of sending birthday and Christmas cards. A short time ago, I got a very pleasant e-mail from him and I'm pleased to say that we are friends again.

Hi Yogagirl, good to see your post. I remember that story too, or a very similar one. Horrible.

Hello Smileless
Hope all's well with you & Mr.S. I dip in from time to time, but fine when I do the situation goes to the front of my brain and I go back to thinking of them all the time and feeling very sad at not watching my beloved GD&GS grow up.

I now have a sweet little furchild called Joey, 3yrs in August, from the Basildon dog's trust. He's a Maltese Pomeranian, very loving and well behaved, we give each other the love we have both lost.

I'm going to read that article posted on the support page now.

That's lovely Yogagirl I'm so pleased you've got another little dog, they make a house a home don't they.

How lovely, Yoga! Enjoy your new puppy!

I recently met with my ED at her request after being able to see my GD in many months only to be told, once again, I'm not enough and there are new hurdles to jump through to see my grandchildren. It's all about control and power since no one else is required to perform these manipulative tricks for visitation. Going back to NC as the BS hit overload!

Hello purpletin...unfortunately my story of reconciliation does not have a happy ending.
My son did not see or speak to me for 14 years or his sister for 19 yrs following a dispute over his father's will..of which both me and my daughter had nothing to do with.
Out of the blue 14 years later he contacted me following the birth of his son.
For the.next 5 yrs I was close to him and my grandson..providing childcare. He still didn't speak to his sister.
I reached a point where I couldn't provide childcare..my daughter was diagnosed with RA and needed my support.
Literally overnite cut me out of his and my grandsons life. I applied for child access thru the courts..9 mths later..many court appearances...case dismissed. My son and partner lied throughout..
He had only got in touch for childcare.
For many years I blamed myself....no more....I am now ashamed of my son..using his own child as a weapon...he has sold his house and will not give me his address..I will not see my grandson again.

I've decided it's not me it's him...I'm not going to make excuses for him anymore. I'm ashamed of what a heartless cruel man he's become..blaming and hating me for things that happened in the distant past.

He has now lost both his sister and me.

No more tears..I believe in karma. I do not need his hate of me and his sister in my life. We never deserved it.

That's a very sad story, Unhappy1. And how dreadfully sad for your grandson.

People can be so hurtful. It usually catches up with them as they age but that's no use in the here and now. .

It's definitely not you. He has decided that this is how he wants to live.

I think you are doing the right thing.

I believe that he will live to regret all this.

Thank you minniemoo...I was only in court yesterday..when I didn't win my case...I only joined gransnet today...and found so many heartbreaking stories..people like yourself offer the support that people need at times like this. One thing that has come thru..is that people are blaming themselves...please don't turn on yourself...you've done it best...