Cut out of the estranged GPs will, dilemma!

It’s a hard thread to follow because it is out of sync.

Firstly, I’m not intending to leave anything. Spend, spend spend,
Secondly, nobody ever left me anything, so I didn’t have to worry about that.

But what would I do? I think if one of my children cut me off completely, that would be that. Their choice and choices have consequences. They couldn’t expect any thing more than any body else who had nothing to do with me.

If you walk away, you walk away........

I have a hard time imagining that an estranged person would expect to be left something.
"Entitled" springs to mind.

My feelings exactly *Eglantine and MissA*; and I'm an EAC. My choice, my consequences.

I don't have any problems with being cut out the will, only with the text stating I had been cut out the will and everything would be going to x and y "the good children", no need to say it, just something horrible to say to try and hurt me x

I think it is true that if an EAC has estranged because they were "the scapegoat" and the parent leaves an inheritance to the other children , then that is just another last method for scapegoating! I suppose in a way it validates the EACs to estrange, though hopefully they will be sure that they did the right thing anyway. Yennifer I think you have a very constructive and healthy attitude to this scenario...and if it happens to you I hope that you can just cut off the intended hurt and move on.

I know one parent who has estranged herself from one daughter because of serious financial abuse. She has rewritten her will so that that daughters children ie her grandchildren will get her share.

....EACs decision ....

I agree with MissAdventure Sun 23-Feb-20 11:03:44 and others, especially if it was the AC who did the cutting off. Why on earth would they expect to gain from the death of someone they did such a thing to?

I was very surprised to hear a couple of years ago that someone who had cut off a parent and sibling benefited substantially from the death of a parent they had no contact with for years and who had never been allowed to meet the GC. If that were me I wouldn't feel able to accept anything at all. I don't understand cutting family off no matter what unless it was something really terrible like murder. Surely simply keeping the peace is kinder and makes one a better person? A lack of empathy seems to be the cause, failing to recognise we can't all agree all the time. I don't always agree with my AC or my Dils but we get along very well and occasionally agree to disagree.

I couldn't care less. If I was estranged why expect anything? Im with Flyingsolo. Why is there an expectation at all? For myself, I am entitled to nothing. The little I have got I worked for. I really don't understand people who seem to think their relatives money should be theirs. At the end of the day when the person is deceased, the money belongs to the estate of the deceased person. I find it quite a sad and unhealthy attitude if basically you think you are entitled to anything just because you happen to be related. I can assure you I have family members I want NOTHING from, what I've never had, I'll never miss.

Thank you Madgran77. If we were still in contact I still wouldn't want anything. Use it, have adventures, do the bucket list and have an amazing life! It's a shame for any parent to scrimp and save for their children instead of enjoying the retirement they earned. I don't think I will have much to leave and not sure I'll ever afford to retire so will make sure I don't leave behind funeral costs x

I agree re not saving it to hand on Yennifer. Told my mum and dad that endlessly. The little they did have went on care costs anyway but they had had a bit of fun together before that.

I don't understand cutting family off no matter what unless it was something really terrible like murder

There are some reasons given that I struggle to understand. However there are other reasons given by AC and by EPs re their reasons for choosing to estrange where I can understand their perspective, even if my own choice might be different. I do think that until one has walked that road it is almost impossible to be sure what one would do. Keeping the peace is great and in many families that can happen and work.... but for some, for various reasons, often quite extreme circumstances, it is impossible.

ananaimous ....your reaction to Maw reveals your true motive in starting this thread.

I haven't really worked out a "motive" namsnanny; I must be missing something. I think it is quite an interesting area to discuss with different perspectives from estranged people in different contexts, whatever the original motive though

Madgran77 your comments are always kind and fair x

Thankyou Yennifer

What does AC stand for please?

AC stands for adult child wicklowwinnie.

Our ES is not a beneficiary of our wills. He chose to estrange himself just over 7 years ago and I can't for the life of me imagine why he would expect any inheritance or would want something from the people he's chosen to have nothing to do with.

It isn't a matter of no longer loving the AC whose estranged you. Ask any EP if they love their EC and they'll say of course they do, which is why the pain may diminish in time but never goes away.

It isn't a matter of punishing them from beyond the grave either, a comment I've seen on more than one occasion in the past when this conversation has taken place.

Inheritance is a gift and for me it's a gift to be appreciated regardless of how big or small a gift it might be.

Smileless2012, Thank you. I wondered if it stood for Adopted Child. I have heard of adopted children being left out of Grandparents wills on the grounds of not considering them to be their GCs. Especially if they weren't consulted about the adoption.

Madgran77 Sun 23-Feb-20 13:03:27 I did keep the peace in very difficult circumstances so know how difficult it can be. Some of the reasons I have seen for cutting people off are very minor which is why I suggested that it should only be done for very serious reasons. We have a lack of empathy these days, it feels as if some don't try to see another's point of view or accept it is OK not to share it. I don't understand the intolerance because I don't share it.

I've also seen many accusations of narcissism but can't understand how people are so sure. Surely a narcissist would never get a diagnosis because they wouldn't think there was anything wrong with them?

Some of the reasons I have seen for cutting people off are very minor

Yes Nonnie I agree there are certainly examples of that. I too have kept things going in difficult circumstances

It sn't a matter of no longer loving the AC whose estranged you.

That is so true Smileless The love doesnt go, but decisions on inheritance are made for many reasons. And yes it is a gift, small or large.

mumofmadboys I feel exactly as you do, although, like you, I am not personally in the sad situation of being estranged from my AC.

For unloved ECs I think the relationship would have always continued if they felt loved despite their parents shortcomings. I know I wasn't loved, because my life was the opposite of love and my love towards her was squashed out of me in the end x

madgran ... I understand your reply, especially if you haven't read the earlier posts by annanamous.
The choice if language said it all for me. Eg

- bitterstep I stead of just step.

-^It appears to me some gps would prefer to be estranged rather than take a cold hard look at themselves and change
Not both parties follow the above advice!

-then telling maw not to stick the knife in when she was only asking a question!

- To change mi ds on GN, a very big ask I know
Arrogant and unnecessary as she asked the question and presumes to know the answer, so I presumed also that her reasoning was simply to stir the pot once again.

I was encouraged to persist in MPOV when I read the comment
no point in working towards anything with a narc (who is being referred to now, maw?)
If it refers to some gns on estrangement threads, why post at all?

Any kind of estrangement is a life altering problem, and people cannot find a way through it if others persist in meddling and looking to create divisions rather than offer hope guidance and help.

"Any kind of estrangement is a life altering problem, and people cannot find a way through it if others persist in meddling and looking to create divisions rather than offer hope, guidance and help".

Excellent post Namsnanny and when we can't offer hope and struggle to give guidance, sometimes the only help we have to give is our understanding and compassion.