Cut out of the estranged GPs will, dilemma!

I certainly agree about the pointlessnes of creating divisions rather than supporting and offering constructive help from our own experiences etc.

Thanks for your explanation namsnanny

Smile you have made the point so well "understanding and compassion" it needs to come from the person who is doing the cutting off too. We seem to have a trend for people making themselves victims when really they are not, we usually have a choice in the matter and it is often about control. When I do something different/wrong with my GC my dil simply explains how she does it and I do it her way. She doesn't treat me as if I did it deliberately and I am not upset about being told. Last night one dil got something completely wrong and we laughed about it. If everyone has good will it doesn't need to come to the point of estrangement but if one is determined to find fault there is nothing the other can do.

My AC don't expect to inherit anything so why should someone who has cut another off expect anything?

You obviously have a great relationship with your d's.i.l. Nonnie.

As you say, if someone is determined to find fault there's nothing you can do. I'd add to that that if someone's determined to cut you out of their life, there's nothing you can do about that either.

You are right Smile which is why I find it so unreasonable when I read very one sided comments. I can be all one way on either side with nothing the other side can do about it. Not sure I would want to reward someone in my will who had done that to me though.

smileless Thinking of you and mr.s
Yes I think your right. Above all
compassion.
Without it no one can move on.
X

ananimous and others, just wondering if anyone has seen any posts where a GP has said they would do this? I haven't, which is why I ask but I don't look at every thread and am often away from GN.

I haven't seen a GP say that but I haven't been here long. I haven't seen An EC say they expected anything in the will either x

Thank you Namsnanny.

The subject of EP's disinheriting their EAC has been discussed here on GN before over the years and whether or not to include estranged GC has also been talked about.

IMO it's wrong to assume that the decision to exclude either is made out of bitterness.

Some GP's like us, don't know and in all probability will never know our GC. What we are leaving them is a memory box with cards we've sent, and will continue to send for birthdays and Christmas. Together with photo's of extended family they'll never meet and something of their family history.

There a couple of very personal items which will be left to our ES and some family photographs.

I don't know if our ES and GC will feel the same, but for me it isn't about money it's being in our ES's thought of, and for our GC knowing that they were in our hearts even though we'd never met.

There are other things apart from money than can be, and in our case will be left and may be treasured more.

made a mess of that didn't I.

Should have read 'it's our ES being thought of .......'.

A good post on a painful subject Smileless

Smile I think it may have been discussed as a possibility but don't think I've actually seen

"read that GPs on GN are going to cut their AC out of their will? Too many times."

I know I have pondered on whether the cutter off might have second thoughts when they think they may have been cut out of a will but that is not quite the same. The OP suggests that many of us on gn are actually doing it with a bitterness I don't recognise from fellow gns. This just feels rather odd to me from a poster whose name I don't recognise but, as I say, I am not always on here and don't read every thread.

I agree Nonnie it has been discussed in the past and like you, I haven't seen here on GN, GP's say they're "going to cut their AC out of their will too many times".

That said, regardless of how many times it may have been said like you I don't understand the assumption that such a decision is made out of bitterness.

I don't know if that's an assumption but as I said already, doing it as revenge isn't healthy, especially if you throw it in their face. Doing it because you would rather it benefit those you have a good relationship with is probably very normal. I can understand abused children feeling it is one last act of scapegoating though x

I agree, doing so for revenge isn't healthy.

I can see that an abused child may see it as "one last act of scapegoating" or would prefer not to have been left anything by the parents who treated them so badly in their lifetime.

Nothing left in a will could ever compensate for that and the AC in that situation may feel it was done by their abusive parent(s) to absolve themselves of guilt.

Hadnt thought of that Smileless2012, very possible for it to be seen as that. I want love not money so I would probably feel worse x

I can understand that would make you feel worse.

Yennifer you said:

"Doing it because you would rather it benefit those you have a good relationship with is probably very normal."

I hadn't thought that far but now you have pointed it out I agree. Imagine a situation where one AC has cut you off (without good reason) and others have been helpful and supportive. I think it would be unfair to treat the cruel one the same as the kind ones.

Everyone does that when making a will don't they, they leave it to people they love and want to benefit from their money. Another aspect though that I was thinking about is divorce. Things generally get shared equally even if one party put all the money in.

I think if one of my children estranged I would still share equally because I would want the siblings to still have good relationships and wouldn't want to be putting any favouritism in there. It's a tough subject really and I think it really depends on intention rather than the act itself x

After a lifetime of dealing with her emotional abuse and rages, my 40 YO daughter (who has 4 psychiatric diagnoses and receives prescription meds for them), decided I was "toxic" and has banned any and all communication with her, her husband, and my grandchildren (11 and 14 YO). I waited a year and rewrote my will. My daughter receives the 3Zs: zilch, zero, zip. It is irrational to think or even suggest I would leave her a penny.

The extent of estrangement between family members as revealed on Gransnet is astonishing to me. What's going on in our families?

We waited for 3 years before re writing our wills LKSPHD.

It is astonishing Delia and what we read about here on GN is only a fraction of the number of families dealing with estrangement.

Yennifer Tue 25-Feb-20 17:22:55 Would you feel the same if one of them cut you all off? Would the ones who had stayed loyal to you feel it was fair to treat the one who hadn't been loyal to them or you the same as them? I'm thinking that in such a case I might leave everything to the ones who didn't cut everyone off and have a conversation with them about whether they wanted to share with the cutter off then leave it up to them what they do.

I'm not in that situation so might feel very differently if I was. We cannot know until we face it ourselves

Nonnie it's impossible to know, I'd like to think I'd be the same person then that I am now and do it anyway. I think only something very awful could muck things up at this point and maybe if we all got cut off there would be a serious problem going on with whoever did it. Saying that I still don't want anything from my mother but she is the abusive one in our relationship x

Yennifer
Usually, it is the Parent who must take full responsibility for any dysfunction in their children.

I agree that this disinheriting seems to be another opportunity for the parent to show their deepest pain - rejection, and to lash out.

www.psychologytoday.com/gb/blog/how-do-life/201408/disinheriting-being-disinherited