In need of advice about DIL

AgathaRay -- I have a list of mental health issues which I have been recovering from for years. I have done years of work to be emotionally healthier, so to hear from anyone, especially my MiL, "You need more therapy, I think you're depressed." or anything of the like, would be a huge slap in the face to me.

You need to read the EAC threads here and the articles posted there about dysfunctional behavior.

"I never told her she was losing it! I believe it was a very calm, gentle suggestion that she go speak to a physician about possible depression. I myself have been treated for various, minor issues in mental health. It’s nothing to be ashamed about."

"I will mention here that I did not express that thought to anyone but my DH."

Trust me. Regardless of how gentle/calm you think you were or what you said, if it is going through your mind that she is "losing it", then they knew that's what you meant. Dysfunctional thinkers are shocked to learn that when their victims get healthy, they can see the meaning behind the words and not just what the person is saying.

Loulelady -- I agree. Some things cannot be undone and I know when I was told I was nuts/losing it, that person got the NC routine. How dare someone use my Mental Health against me? That's full FO from me as well.

As for OP's son. I wasn't going to talk about that but yeah... WTF was he thinking?

I will forever remember my miscarriages' dates and remember how old my child would have been.

I will forever grieve for my angels, no matter how long ago it happened.

You continue this way and you will end yourself cut off. It is a miracle you are not banned from their lives yet.

I don’t like negative comments about my son. He’s a quiet, sweet boy who is as unsure how to handle this situation as I am.

And I have been in touch with doctors about my mental health. I have never been diagnosed as a narcissist. I will be in contact with my therapist, however, to see if I can get some less biased, less cruel feedback with my issue.

My DIL has never been keen on a close relationship with me. I don’t see why I have to force one in order to have contact with my GCs. It’s never bothered any of us before this.

I can see that reaching out on this site was a mistake.

And for the record? Browsing other issues on this forum it’s obvious that many of you have downplayed your reasons for estrangement. I, if anything, left out the bits I thought made it sound like I was softening the situation. Good luck with your delusional situations. As bad as mine is, at least I still have minor contact. More than some of you can say.

AgathaRay you have a mixed bag. There are estranged parents, estranged children and people who are neither on this post. Not all the replies are negative unless you see honesty as negative too. Flounce away but don't disregard the good advice you got here. Best of luck.

"He’s a quiet, sweet boy who is as unsure how to handle this situation as I am."

So your poor dil has a husband problem. A husband who cannot put his core family first and tries to make his mommy happy. He is mommy's boy. He is not a husband. He needs to adult and protect his family from you

Why your dil hasn't divorced him is beyond me.

Btw, describing your son as a quiet sweet boy creeps me out. That is not to how you describe an adult.

AgathaRay -- I don't think there is a site on the internet that is going to give you what you want, which is CLEARLY to be reaffirmed that anything you have done is minimal and you are being 'wronged'.

Less cruel feedback? Trust me when I say, some of us are holding back HARD on what we'd like to say. You are so far from an emotionally healthy mindset that most here couldn't even fathom what you were saying could possibly be real. That should be a huge clue right there.

I don’t see why I have to force one in order to have contact with my GCs. It’s never bothered any of us before this. says YOU. Do you think perhaps your son and DiL might have a differing opinion on that? I know I would have an issue with that attitude.

Getting blasted on here is very common. I was. I spent at entire night crying at 9 months pregnant. I also regretted posting here. A lot of people on here don't realise that if they want to help you feel empathy, its not to attack hardcore but try to help them see things from the other perspective. You're defensive now and that makes you less likely to hear other perspectives.

Try to see your DIL for the pain shes in. Not as just a means to your GC. It sounds like there was tension before the MCs. Extending a sincere apology and stepping back is really the only way all of you might move forward. If you try to force things, you'll find yourself no contact. Don't brag about being minimal contact, its usually what happens right before no contact.

What I can’t see is what to do from here, what to do or say to fix things between DIL and I to regain regular contact with GD and our future GC.

Your DIL is neither a vessel or barrier to contact with your GC.

Your DIL and your GC are a unit, you hurt one you hurt the other.

If you cant develop some kindness towards your GCs primary carer, then you arent being kind to your GC, and may find as a result the child is shielded from you.

Hurting part of a family unit hurts them all.

Think in terms of basic human instinct

If something scares an adult they instantly try to shield their child from it. Anything, a thorny plant, an angry animal, an unkind person.... the parent pushes the child back and keeps the child away from things that causes the adult pain, fear or distress

If the thought of you causes the parent anxiety and fear then their instict will be to protect their child from you.

You have shown a staggering lack of care/kindness to your DIL so she is protecting her child from you so that you dont make the child feel the way you make your DIL feel.

You wont have much to do with the child until you cause less anguish to its parent.

It’s all about you Agatha, your dil has wronged you, the posters are wronging you. You only what to make amends with your dil because she has something YOU want. If you had said “ oh no, I can’t believe I have acted so terribly, help me make it up to my dil, to be better” you would have received more sympathy. However your response has been “ yes yes I’m awful but tell me I can still get my way”.. Iv never ever said this on an Internet forum because I try to constructive, but you a terrible person and if you were my mil I would go to the very ends of the earth to protect my children from you. You are the personification of toxic.

i'm still not sure that this is entirely genuine.
it sounds so outlandish, not so much the behaviour even, but the outright description of it, unabashed. most people would try to put a gloss on it. it is as if OP is boasting of her high-handedness.
could this be what MNers call a reversal, or is it a reverse ? ie a piece written in fact by the put-upon DIL, in the guise of MIL, in order to shew MIL what a random group of strangers think of her, MIL's behaviour.
either that or it is a simple wind-up in time of lockdown boredom.
or else the OP is so delusional i find it a bit frightening.

I think reverses read differently. And they are usually found in AIBU

I did wonder if the OP just genuinely doesnt get emotion
It reads so black and white "why is she so sad and why cant we still do whatever I want when shes sad?" so I wonder if there is something like that.
Some people are highly literal and dont accept reasons to deviate from plan A and just dont factor in emotions.
Maybe she can't imagine how the DIL feels because some people only feel in terms of satsfaction or frustration

excuse me .?? she has lost several babies. .words fail me .losing anybody is drastic ,but several babies is so sad and distressing for her.personally i think you should get out of their lives.they need time to grieve .and yes so would i shut myself in my room and away from everyone. i cant believe you are so uncaring/angry. you could write/card to her and say could you look after gc .to give her some breathing space. this is not about you. its about losing babies .she needs time with her family and her husband....she does not need you to tell her to seek help. i am sure the hospital will give her advice. i would back off .and leave her to grieve. just send her a card,,tell her about SANDS. its for people who have miscarriages /stillborn.but please do not interfere in their lives .they need time to grieve. they did not tell you about the recent child as they didnt want to give false hope to anyone. its private between her ,and her husband.

Wind up must be at hand. Surely you didn't expect a normal, happy visit with GD when DIL's heart was broken? Truth told, your son was experiencing pain and sadness too. If this is not a wind up, you owe them both the deepest apology you can muster and pray that someday they can forgive you...they will never forget.

Babyshark said -- You are the personification of toxic.

When I posted my earlier comment of Trust me when I say, some of us are holding back HARD on what we'd like to say. Your statement is the truth We have been being polite about.

welbeck -- i'm still not sure that this is entirely genuine. -- I agree.

Holyhannah never thought I’d say such a thing to be honest but If this op is real then she is a dangerous woman. I hope her gd is kept safe from her. Never thought I’d say that either.

Sorry, but I still think this is a wind up

Babyshark -- Holyhannah never thought I’d say such a thing to be honest but If this op is real then she is a dangerous woman. I hope her gd is kept safe from her. Never thought I’d say that either.

We are swimming in the same pool.

Oopsadaisy3 I agree, I think it's a windup too and may very well be a 'reverse'. It has all the hallmarks of a DIL married to a mummy's boy, who wants to get affirmation from GNetters that her MIL is toxic. To me, some of the statements don't ring true at all. However, in the unlikely event that the post is genuine, I have nothing further to add to the advice already given.

I can see that I should have left their home in May after we figured out was going on. (And apparently popping in ever is rude?)

Well, yes. Popping in unannounced is rude.

Doing it from hours away expecting to stay for a weekend? Shockingly rude.

You need to take a step back and reflect. Going directly to “I guess I’m Terrible person” When criticised doesn’t reflect well on your maturity.

I hope you can be honest with your therapist and get some real help.

You were horribly rude in a number of ways here.

A "surprise" weekend visit?! So you just turned up and expected to stay for a few nights, giving them no time to prepare? Even people who think it's ok to pop in for an hour visit to family (I'm not one, but I can see some people do) surely can't think that's ok! I think that's why people think this is a wind up.

And to STAY when you found out DIL was having a miscarriage?! And you seem to have somehow taken it as a slight on you that she hid in her bedroom all weekend?! On MOTHER'S DAY while having a miscarriage?!

If I was your DS I'd have asked you to leave (and I'd be utterly furious with him if I was your DIL), but I'm amazed you didn't realise you needed to.

I was outraged I wasn’t told by her or my son. For goodness sake, these are my grandchildren she’s losing...I’m hurt that my son waited so long to tell me, and they didn’t let us know what has changed to cause this pregnancy to thrive where the others hadn’t. Life changes? Medication? IVF? I believe we have a right to know.

THIS IS NOTHING TO DO WITH YOU. Do you share details of your intimate health with her? With your MIL?

If you had not been so stunningly inconsiderate of her pregnancy losses in the past, maybe she would share more information with you.

And no, she shouldn't be "getting over" it. She's pregnant after several losses. She's probably terrified.

You're trying to make this all about you and the supposed slights on you from DIL.

In reality it is all about her and how she's feeling. She is the one getting pregnant and losing her babies. She is the one you further upset by turning up unexpectedly on Mother's Day and trying to have a jolly fun weekend when she needed to be alone with your DS to grieve.

You sound horribly lacking in empathy. So lacking in empathy that like other posters I'm not sure this is real, but people like you do exist.

Even now you've been told this you're making it about you with your passive aggressive "I’m an awful, cruel person".

You have been incredibly cruel to your DIL. You need to learn some empathy, and you need to apologise.

And if that still doesn't help, you need to accept that there probably isn't anything in the short term that you can do to repair this relationship that you've damaged so signficiantly.

There are plenty of Mils that behave exactly like this, it's just rare to see one so honest about it. That honesty is good. Means that maybe something can actually be done about it.