The 'Perception Filter'...

If it helps yorkie you are not alone in what you've experienced. I'm not sure this is the best thread for you share your story, you may be better off on the 'support for those living with estrangement' thread.

You haven't rambled

5 out of the 6 points you listed motherofdragons so more than 50%.

Smileless You don't have to answer this of course but if your son is in that seriously abusive of a situation, why would you not want him back?

yorkie20 -- It sounds like your daughter naturally entered the world and spread her wings. Instead of worrying about how much time you don't have with her now that she's an adult, focus on making any time you do spend together fun and positive while not making her feel guilty for not spending as much time with you as she once did.

I think a lot of parents feel 'replaced' and push to keep the relationship the same as it was when their child was a minor. That attitude is sadly a factor in estrangement.

Is her husband really taking up all her time or is it your feeling that he is taking her time away from you? If it's the first, that could be signs of a controlling partner. If it's the second, you need to deal with your feelings. Don't make your feelings HER 'problem'.

She is young and if you were a good and supporting parent while raising her, once she gets settled into an adult life I would like to think a more normal routine of contact will be established.

For now, focus on you and doing things that make you happy.

Yorkie20 Are you estranged from your daughter or do you still have a relationship, albeit not as close as before?

It is perfectly normal for children around this age to pull back from the parental relationship in favour of independence. Perfectly normal.

How old is your daughter now?

Of course I have an answer Starblaze but it isn't something I would share with you.

5 out of the 6 points you listed motherofdragons so more than 50%

And are these concerns or do you actually have evidence? Because you absolutely have not detailed any of this on GN over the years as you said you have.

Why have you not contacted any relevant authorities for the safety of your son and grandchildren?

Why, if your son is in such a severely abusive relationship, do you say you wouldn’t want to re-establish a relationship with him?

Or with you Motherofdragons

I don't mind

I just had to read back the comments to understand what you meant Smileless.

But you have said that you wouldn’t want to re-establish a relationship with him because what has happened has been too painful for you and that too much has happened. That there is no trust. You have said that openly on the forum for years. That just doesn’t make any sense if your son is in as abusive a relationship as you say he is. I mean, you are now claiming for the first time after all these years of posting, that your son is a victim of abuse severe enough to put his wife in prison. And you say that what has happened to him has been too painful for you? What about for him?

Again, why have you not contacted any relevant authorities regarding the safety of your son and grandchildren?

It doesn't have to make sense to you does it.

Are you OK Smileless?

Yes I'm absolutely fine Starblaze; are you OK?

This is beginning to look like hounding now.....why would anyone not accept someone’s honestly held views and seek to badger them into revealing chapter and verse of their innermost feelings to satisfy some deep seated dissatisfaction in their own lives?

It’s abhorrent to read and unkind to say the least.

I mean, no, of course it doesn’t need to make sense to me.

But when you’ve been posting for, what has it been Smileless, 6 or 7 years, maintaining your estrangement story with unwavering consistency, and then you suddenly change such a massive detail such as your son actually being in a controlling and coercive relationship punishable under Section 76 of the Serious Crime Act 2015 from out of nowhere, then expect people to...not be able to make sense of it.

Again, why have you not contacted any relevant authorities regarding the safety of your son and grandchildren?

It's what they do Pantglas and you've hit the nail on the head there "to satisfy some deep seated dissatisfaction in their own lives".

If projecting negative emotions and ascribing nefarious intentions onto others' makes someone feel better I'm always around for that.

I've been called/accused of being sooo many things here. Some of them are even true.

It's what they do Pantglassad and you've hit the nail on the head there "to satisfy some deep seated dissatisfaction in their own lives”

Definitely not, Smileless. I am not trying to “satisfy some deep seated dissatisfaction“ in my life. I think you are lying. It’s as simple as that really.

Yes good thanks Smileless, watching Lost on my new Fire Stick with my cat. So much cheaper than Sky and a good distraction from the news.

Why don't people understand or realise the reasons for distancing ourselves? Why is it our problem and not theirs?

It's quite possible to love a parent deeply - yet dislike them intensely and distrust them too.

Why would I want to expose my own children (other than rarely, briefly and well supervised) to a destructive and poisonous grandparent?

She was mentally unwell but unaware of it and convinced that I was an awkward character!

Smileless, something has shifted - You might be sharing more of what you've privately considered all along or perhaps something has recently occurred that's causing additional concern-

Or something else completely-

But whatever happened, your latest description doesn't match what you've shared in the past-

Pointing this out isn't badgering- Its taking notice of change- You've communicated what you think and I'm communicating back-

Pantglas2, "why would anyone not accept someone’s honestly held views and seek to badger them into revealing chapter and verse of their innermost feelings"

Precisely. I disagree with the assertion that the estrangement can be due to an OH, but does not matter what I think. No need to badger, state opinion and accept that others may disagree. Again, free will.

Hetty58 -- It's that much harder when you have diagnosed mental illnesses like me and that gets waved as the totality of any family 'issues'. Yet over and over I hear/get told, "It's our kids mental illness that caused them too estrange." What a nice little bow to put on top.

If I were to defend myself more then laughing and walking away, it would be the "delusional rants" of a nut-job.

I might be diagnosed and own My mental illness but just because they haven't been diagnosed officially makes THEM "mentally healthy" in their mind/perception.

Maybe they don't want to see their part because if they too sought help, then THEY would be the same as Me, 'mentally ill' and then THAT could no longer be used as the excuse/reason we are No Contact.

And they would rather fall on the throne from GoT then lower themselves to being 'the same' as Me. They are superior/'better' and I need to know/stay in my place.

We watch a lot on Netflix to distract us from the news Starblaze. Find a good series and binge watch which is great but then we have to find another one.