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I really need to have some constructive opinions on this .My long term partner of 22 years ( we never lived together) passed away last October, and I was so consumed up with grief that I hit rock bottom over the next few months . During this awful time , my daughter decided she had enough of me ( I know I was very difficult to deal with , but couldn’t pull myself out of the hole I was in ) , then one morning, bit out of the blue , she sent me a hurtful text , saying a host of awful things to me , adding that if and when she decides to talk to me again it will be on her terms . I’d messaged her back pleading not to be like this ,that I was sorry that I’d been such a pain to deal with , that my doctor has put me on antidepressants, and to say that I love her and are very proud of her. She read it , but never replied .
She ignored Mother’s Day , not contacted me once over lockdown to see if I’m ok or want something ( I am registered disabled but I have car and try to be independent as much as possible ) , and worse still , my 68 th birthday was last week and was totally ignored by her .
I have mixed feelings about all this , because I have couple friends who’s daughters have done the same to them , also read many posts on here of similar situations. I feel I cannot go through rest of my life feeling so hurt and upset , wishing and hoping she will contact me , and , if and when she does , I know I’ll be walking on eggshells as be worrying if she will do this to me again. I’ve not been brought up to be doing any of this sort thing to my parents , if we have an issue , we talk it through , to resolve things , never to cut them out of ones life , and be so hurtful and disrespectful. My Mum would be mortified by this behaviour, so would my beloved partner . I didn’t raise my daughter to be so heartless. My son is very hurt also , saying that his family are falling apart .
With all this emotions going on, it’s her birthday coming up in couple weeks time , and I’m at a loss as to wether to send her a card , part of me says yes , I should, ( but feel she will rip it up ) but then I feel that I don’t want to , so maybe that way she will hopefully feel some hurt to know how it feels .
I’m in state of limbo , and would appreciate thoughts on this one. Oh , and I’d like to add, that I love my daughter dearly , have always been proud of her , and miss her terribly.
It’s sad but appears true, that if you estrange from son or daughter you are not then allowed a relationship with grandchildren. Sad, because you don’t get on with an adult child, you could get on well with grandchildren.
Sparkling
I will say it again
I estranged from my parents due to being abusive
Why would I put my kids in harm's way? Why would I want them to be abused too?
What kind of a mother would it make me?
Sparkling
It’s sad but appears true, that if you estrange from son or daughter you are not then allowed a relationship with grandchildren. Sad, because you don’t get on with an adult child, you could get on well with grandchildren.
Well, of course not!
Sparkling -- What would that matter? That's the definition of putting the children in the middle of an "adult situation".
Regardless of which side has the issue, if the adults involved cannot maintain a mature adult relationship, then the minor children DO become 'pawns' in some game. It introduces a VERY questionable dynamic. Are you advocating for putting minor children in the middle of adults like that?
Your post 19:06 Hithere is so pertinent. I believe that when both parties are ready, a way forward can be found.
The only people who can talk about reconciliation with any authority are those who have experienced it; Pantglas for example.
As you say Pantglas it takes "good will from 'both sides'".
The need or desire to reconcile could be based on obligation and that could apply to the EAC and the EP. The EAC may feel obliged to seek reconciliation because of their EP's bad health and/or old age, and the EP may feel obliged as the parent to agree if that's what their EAC wants.
Guilt; again that can be from either the EAC or EP. The EAC may feel guilt because they've come to realise that their reasons for estrangement weren't sufficient for them to live with that decision. The EP may feel guilty for the way they behaved toward and treated their AC which resulted in the estrangement.
Unresolved fear again is equally applicable to EAC and EP's. The fear from the EP that they will never have their EAC in their lives again, and the fear from an EAC that their parent will die and they'll never have the opportunity for resolution.
The realisation of being on guard is also an important factor for both the EAC and EP. The EAC being on guard in case the behaviour that led to their decision is repeated, and for the EP, the fear that having estranged them once, their EAC could estrange them again.
Which takes me back to what Pantglas said about there being good will on both sides. No one I'm sure would suggest that the road to reconciliation is an easy one, but at least if there is a genuine desire from both 'sides' to make it work not just for themselves but for the other person/people involved, there's a chance but IMO, not without risk.
I am just talking in general -- Let's assume husband and I ARE the issue in Our 'relationship' with Our 'family'. What would be better for Our children, to have Our 'one sided' view or be thrust into two different and conflicting 'worlds'?
The fact that husband and I recognize both of us came from dysfunctional/abusive families changes that. If We deem the reason We cannot maintain a relationship with them as 'past/unresolved bad behavior' then handing Our children to them makes Us what? Enablers at best and ABUSERS at worst.
If you hand a child to someone who hit you and your child got hit? Two adults are to blame. The one that hit the child and the one who put the child in harms way. I am NOT "that parent".
Sparkling at the beginning I offered for my mum to my children.
She said no
She said no, because she wanted me to come too and I wasn't part of the deal.
My mum had little interest in my children.
My children, when it became clear we weren't going to see nan again, told me why they didn't want to do that anyway.
If it helps, now I am of the opinion that if she can't be a good mum, she can't be a good grandma anyway.
Well Smileless I’ve always been impressed with your ability to see things how they are but your acumen on all of this on top of what you’re presently going through is astounding!
I take my hat off to you, you’ve summed up very succinctly in those paragraphs how those of us who have reconciled (and we are many, in spite of the naysayers and doom mongers) have managed it, supposedly against all odds, to their chagrin!
Starblaze -- I think my family would love to be able to show all kinds of loving pictures with the grand-children as a show of, "Well, if we are good grand-parents, then we must have been 'good' parents!" I'm sure they'd love to rub those pictures in Our faces...
Too bad only the two Scapegoats that married each other are the ones with children! My sister is far too old and husband's brothers neither have children yet...
Pantglas
Really don't understand your point, you aren't estranged because your situation has been resolved. If my situation were resolvable, I wouldn't be estranged either.
Or do you think that my criteria are really that unreasonable and that a parent who wants their child back shouldn't have to apologise for 4 decades of emotional abuse, go to counselling for a few months and make positive changes to their behaviour?
Because frankly, I'd crawl on broken glass for my children.
Also can I point out, asking questions and not addressing responses is not open honest discussion.
Its just an interrogation.
I'm not going to waste my time, which matters to me, being interrogated.
Thank you Pantglas 
. I have no personal experience of reconciliation as you know, but my years of talking about estrangement here and elsewhere have taught me that despite similarities in many cases, no two cases are the same.
What is the same is the pain. Whether you're the one who estranged or the one who was estranged, there is pain and no one has the monopoly on the extent of that pain, which ever 'side' they're on.
I'd walk on broken glass for my children as would many of us, but sadly for some of us, even that wouldn't be enough.
Pantglas2
Well Smileless I’ve always been impressed with your ability to see things how they are but your acumen on all of this on top of what you’re presently going through is astounding!
I take my hat off to you, you’ve summed up very succinctly in those paragraphs how those of us who have reconciled (and we are many, in spite of the naysayers and doom mongers) have managed it, supposedly against all odds, to their chagrin!
I don’t understand either. To whose chagrin? Are you talking about posters on Gransnet? Why would anyone be annoyed? What an odd thing to say.
My 'mom' wouldn't jump over a stick an ant could trip on if it involved her having to admit she's not perfect... Different standards I guess.
I guess so.
GG65!
The only thing I won't do to have a relationship with my mum is be abused and it took half a lifetime to finally draw that line.
I want something I've never had. I want what I needed growing up.
To say EAC are disappointed somehow by reconsiliation is ridiculous, illogical and judging by recent comments to EAC utter projection.
It's so sad isn't it. You want something you never had and I want something I thought I had but whether I did or not, can never have again.
No, GG, you can see who doesn’t like reconciliation on this and other threads because it undermines their posts, the evil irreconcilable EP who can’t see sense.
When EAC decide to approach EP after a long estrangement of their own making it is rarely rebuffed by EP and reconciliation starts, hopefully to a fruitful end.
It is always a work in progress and why wouldn’t anyone rejoice in that? Unless they were full of hate and negativity of course.....
Pantglas you could name who you are talking about, unless you are happy to take the risk of upsetting/alienating every EAC here?
Starblaze -- If I am full of "hate and negativity" WTF does that make my 'mom' full of??? What are the word(s) you use after those? Evil?
I think Starblaze that those who show negativity towards reconciliation would be happy to own it - why not, because they can’t justify it, can they?
Their reasons for estrangement disappear when reconciliation happens without their 1-2-3 or 100 step approach to making amends!
Some of us kept it simple all along, however long it took... which is why the haters hate!
Why did I know our words would be used against us?
How predictable
Pantglas2
No, GG, you can see who doesn’t like reconciliation on this and other threads because it undermines their posts, the evil irreconcilable EP who can’t see sense.
When EAC decide to approach EP after a long estrangement of their own making it is rarely rebuffed by EP and reconciliation starts, hopefully to a fruitful end.
It is always a work in progress and why wouldn’t anyone rejoice in that? Unless they were full of hate and negativity of course.....
I have never seen “posters who don’t like reconciliation” and I don’t even know how that would look, to be honest.
I know which posters you are talking about and I have seen them query reasons for estrangement and encourage accountability when it comes to estrangement. To what end then, if they don’t like reconciliation?
Honestly, I am pleased for you that you have reconciled with your daughter but I don’t know why you would expect strangers online to rejoice in you and your daughter’s rebuilding of your relationship.
Anyone’s lack of rejoicing is more likely to be attributed to their lack of interest in your personal life as opposed to them being full of hate and negativity. It’s not personal. People have their own things going on.
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