SUPPORT for all living with estrangement

After years of estrangement from my adult child. I decided to let go of all the japes and awful things they said and did to me. I started to tell them, whenever, I was lucky enough to have contact. That I loved them, missed them, and would stay out of their life, if that's what they wanted. Six months later, I now have an AC who takes me shopping, cafes, days out. Totally shocked, today they insisted on helping me put together an outfit before we went out. Dont give up ladies, it took me 15 years to get to here. I hope it continues

That's lovely User may your reconciliation continue to grow from strength to strength.

Hi. I hope I'll be welcome on here. I'm a new user but not a stranger to estrangement from AC. I wanted you all to know how comforting reading all your posts have been, knowing that I'm not alone. My son has MH problems and after his recent stay in hospital following a section, he has decided to go and live with his dad and cut all contact with me. It's early days for me ( 3 weeks) but it hurts like hell. I take strength from you all your stories. Fortunately I have an older son with whom I am very close to. So for now I will focus on him. Im so pleased i found this thread. Thank you. X

How wonderful to hear user7777 - may your relationship go from strength to strength.

Welcome, Mikabobsa. I am sorry to hear of your estrangement but glad you are finding comfort here. Mental health problems are often a contributing factor and make it all so difficult. We are all here for you. I am so glad you have a son you are close to. Those of us who are lucky enough to have loved ones still in our lives do cherish them. x

Goodness Whiff, just popped back a page, and that sounds rather alarming, lovely cuppa notwithstanding.
Please take care of you.

Gardening for us too, ours has turned into a messy jungle during the unsettled weather.

Enjoy dinner with your girls smiles

So hope you're feeling better Whiff

It's so encouraging to hear what you said User777 and that you got your kids back. If I get the chance I will certainly give it a try.

It's the birthday of one of my GC soon and I don't know whether to send a gift.

So pleased for you User777, fifteen years is a long time, did you initiate contact?
Whiff, what a way to celebrate the holiday weekend, at least you know what you are dealing with, I do know that it is important to drink plenty of water and try not to get too stressed, easier said than done I know. Go easy on the weeds.
Smileless your two girls are a blessing for sure, sure you enjoyed your time together.
Everyone else struggling with the heartache of estrangement, don’t put your life on hold but keep busy, you never know what’s round the corner.

A warm welcomeMikabobs to our support thread. Just 3 weeks since this has happened will mean your pain is raw and intense.

As hugshelp has said, mental health problems make this very difficult situation even more so but I hope you can take some comfort in the knowledge that your son is with his dad.

It's good that you have a close relationship with his older brother, we're the same and it does help. We are all here for you so please post whenever you feel the need.

Thanks hugshelp and Allsorts, we'll be having and plenty of veg, one of the girls' favourites. We always have a good laugh and having them as such a big part of our lives is like a breath of fresh air. Helping to fill the enormous void that having an ES and our DS so far away in Aus., has created.

Not so good weather wise here today so I hope the sun is shining where ever you all are.

User777 glad to hear you have a happy end to your story. Long may it continue.

Thank you for your good wishes. I am feeling fine. I don't get stressed over my health no point as worrying won't make it better. What ever life throws at me I get on with it. Had enough stress selling my house to last me a life time.

Smiles you and Mr S have a lovely time with your girls.

OnwardandUpward it's a hard decision to make. But when I sent my son and grandson's birthday and birth presents and cards last year and they all came back all unopened with his last letter. It hurt so much. I couldn't believe my son could be so spiteful to his sons not to let them have the presents from me. Never sent anything since. But always say happy birthday, Christmas and Easter to them through the air.

Mikeabobs you will fine help and support here and you will not feel alone. It's been a life line for me. At least here we are all going through the same thing and know from life experience not learning about estrangement from books. I know some find help reading them and going to a counselor but that's not for me.

What's got me through the last year has been Smiles and everyone here. This is a safe place to pour your heart out.

Hope you all have the sunshine.

Thanks Whiff, I hope you have a better day today and sunshine too. We have sunshine here and Im going to try and do some gardening (without hurting myself!)

I did miss my DiL's birthday as it occurred after my son blocked me on everything, but one of my GC's has a birthday soon. We had been planning what to buy for a while but not sure if we should. ES is unlikely to acknowledge the gift as he didn't acknowledge his own birthday gift earlier in the year. He didn't send that back though. I was torn over whether to send DiL something and in the end didn't- but now if I send something to the GC it will look like I left her out.

I know my GC will never know it's from us.... so tricky.

Hello. User 777. Glad to hear that you had a happy ending to your story.

Hello Mikabob....it's 3 weeks this weekend for me too. Still very raw and painful. I guess we just need to be kind to ourselves and ride it out, trusting that one day the pain eases and we can pick up the pieces and rebuild our lives.

It occurred to me that my son hasn't thanked me for his recent birthday present. (Just two days before all this blew up).

I didn't actually give it to him in person, and am now wondering if DIL has taken all the credit and pretended that the gift was from her. Wouldn't put it past her.

I am not sure how I am going to handle future birthdays, Christmas etc. The next birthday is the baby's 1st, in October. No need to decide yet.

Basically the ball is in their court now as to whether we can have a relationship. If that's what they want I will try but there will have to be some changes.

There can be no more periods of silent treatment. I am not a plaything to be picked up and put down again on a whim. And I will no longer tolerate being expected to comply with madams insane demands. No more "terms and conditions".

I will give her one chance and chance only. As for my son......well it's up to him. He can find his manhood and stand up to her or not. His choice.

I have just been recommend a book called "Done with crying". It should arrive tomorrow. See if it helps.

Other than that, I don't know what else to do for now.....just go with the flow. Don't fight the tears and the low moments. Just move through them the same as I did when I was grieving the loss of my husband. I guess just trust the process and hope that in time the pain and hurt will subside.

To me estrangement is another form of grief. But you are grieving for people who are still alive.

My son made his choice. I had no warning. That's what hit me so hard. If I saw it coming I could have prepared myself. And he should have told to my face. That's one of things I will never forgive. He was a coward and cruel.

But it's his choice and I will not live my life on hold incase he decides he wants his mother back. If he does he needs to face me.

Like grieving for my husband if I want to cry I will then it's out of my system. And one to the next thing .

We give our children everything from the moment they are born. I don't mean monetary but love,attention , understanding and guidance etc. My daughter was brought up the same but it's who as I have said before they fall in love with. And as we know we love who we love. No rthymn or reason to it. Love is love.

It's hard when your child doesn't want you . But never doubt yourself. You know who you are if you think about it. Value yourself. I will not let my son's rejection alter me in anyway. He has done wrong not me.

All of you who have had children turn against you know this . Time to put your wants and needs first. The past has gone . You need a new present and future. I had to do it after my husband died and it was so hard . I have wobbles but I carry . Same with living without my son and 3 grandson's.

But I will not waste time . Especially as my health problems are mounting. I need to be physically and mentally fit. I don't want to be a burden to my daughter . Lost track of the times she has taken to the hospital. And I know she worries about me. But I am lucky to have her and her family.

We are strong women and having people who know how we feel via this thread makes us stronger.

As DerbyshireLass the other day said she was roaring . So start roaring everyone?

Onward and Upward IF you do decide to send a present for GC how about including a voucher for DIL just saying "Sorry I missed your birthday" to try and avoid any assumption of deliberately leaving her out.

So hard trying to work out what's for the best for YOU! I know that many do decide not to send presents etc in an estrangement. Some put money aside for each Grandchild birthdays, ready to pass on when they grow up if the opportunity arises. As I said at this stage it needs to be what makes YOU feel you are doing the right thing in the circumstancers, for YOU!

We sent cards at Christmas and for our GC's birthdays for 7.5 years, never any gifts though. We decided at the beginning of this year to stop and just put one for each of them in their memory box.

When we were sending them, we always bought 2; one to post and one to keep for them. Could you send just a card OnwardandUpward and do as Madgran's suggested, put some money away rather than sending a gift?

DerbyshireLass is right Mikabobs take each day as it comes and whatever you're feeling, go with it. If you want to cry, cry; scream, scream; shout then shout. Whatever helps to give you the tiniest amount of relief for the shortest amount of time, is worth it.

That's why estrangement is often referred too as a living bereavement Whiff. We are grieving and in mourning for the children we love, who no longer love us.

I live it, you live it, we all do but even as I typed that sentence there's a part of me that just cannot believe it.

I did not know it until the other day, that The Chilfren Act has a statement in the Act that says. Children have a right to know their extended family. I am not sure, if it meant all extended family or just grandparents. I am not allowed to see nephews due to having noticed abuse towards them from their father. SS is aware.?

Sorry, typo, Children Act

It means all their extended family User but most commonly associated with grandparents. I'm so sorry that your nephews appear to have an abusive father and hope it's of some comfort knowing SS's are aware.

Still roaring.........gently of course. ?

Three weeks now and still silence. It's deafening. However, I am resolved not to sit cowering, waiting that sword to fall. I am fighting back in my own quiet way, just taking each day as it comes and hopefully looking to a better future. Whether it's with or without my son and grandsons.

I have been keeping busy, with the house and garden, and have started to try and get my health back on track.....healthy eating, vitamins, daily walks, and a bit of yoga. I will be going for a walk shortly.

I have also decided to treat myself to a few new accessories to brighten up the house, a couple of new rugs so far. Will add some cushions and fresh artworks soon. Decluttering as I go. Going to make my home a beautiful and calming sanctuary,

Last night I was sat on the sofa quietly reading when a neighbour knocked on the window, holding up a bottle of wine.....I had already mentioned to her that was having a few issues with DIL but hadn't said I feared imminent estrangement. Anyway we had a lovely time, laughing, putting the world to rights. . So good to have such wonderful friends and neighbours. I felt very humble and blessed.

I have resolved to get out and about more. I have joined our local Meet Up group to play cards next Friday evening. No idea what I'm letting myself in for but no more sitting around waiting to be let into my son and DILs lives. I'm tired of being picked up and then discarded on a whim. I am not their plaything.

I have often been made to feel like I am a "duty call", that my DIL has merely tolerated my presence. I used to try and shrug it off, thinking it was maybe my imagination. I realise now my gut feeling was right. Only wanted when I could be useful to her or when it was time for "duty calls".

Well the worm has turned and I'm putting myself first now, I have booked a massage for tomorrow and I'm going to see if I can book a hair appt.

This afternoon I am going to have a decluttering session in my wardrobe. Out with the old and in with the new.

If I can't be a hands on grandmother then I will reinvent myself . A new me for a new life.

Wow, way to go DerebyshireLass you're like a breath of fresh air and a hurricane all in one.

What a great idea de cluttering and brightening up your home with a few new accessories and your wardrobe too. Just be careful you don't go too far reinventing yourself; we like you just the way you are.

I feel better today having done my exercise routine which for one reason or another, I've neglected the last few weeks. I've noticed the difference, my energy levels are certainly better if I do them 4 or 5 times a week.

Had a great evening with 'our girls', a lovely meal and plenty of laughs.

DerbyshireLass I've been doing the same thing. We have had a massive declutter including a lot of things my mother gave to me that I didn't really like and didn't fit or weren't useful that I kept for a long time out of guilt.

It's been really freeing to just make our space ours and relaxing. New rugs to replace her old cast offs she insisted we take and a few bits of new furniture have tied things together really nicely. I don't know why I didn't do it before!

I've just started exercising again.....just felt too low this last couple of weeks. Up until then I was doing quite well. It definitely makes me feel better, stronger too. Lifts my mood too. All those endorphins. ?

Yesterday I managed to repot a Christmas tree by myself. It was a struggle but I felt dead chuffed that I had managed it all by myself. Maybe not such a pathetic weakling after all, which is what my DIL seems to think of me.

I'm determined to reclaim my health and vitality, to get fitter, stronger and healthier. I will not let estrangement or the fear of it make me ill.

And thanks for liking me just the way I am.....Thats cheered me up no end. I have to admit my confidence has taken a real battering over this.. I did feel that the stuffing had been knocked out of me. My poor body ached so much I felt like I had gone 10 rounds with Mike Tyson. Thankfully starting to feel much better now.

However, I do feel there is a real need for reinvention, I need to be a new me, not to prove myself to anyone else but I need to do for me.

If pop stars and movie stars can stay relevant by reinvention then so will I. If reinvention is good enough for the likes of Cher and Tina Turner then it's good enough for me,......both strong powerful women who have overcome shocks and adversity.

One of the big shocks in all this is the realisation that my son and DIL just don't seem to see me as relevant, that somehow I am unworthy of respect or consideration, not even just plain old good manners.

My fault ......I allowed them (especially DIL) to get away with blue murder. I allowed them to denigrate my opinions, to sneer at me, belittle me with snide comments, be offhand with me and have no patience or empathy with me when my grief at losing my husband made me ill. (DIL has even accused me of feigning illness).

I am not after revenge. I sincerely wish them well, but you know the old saying. "The best form of revenge is to have a happy life". And that's just what I intend from now on, to live a happy life, with or without them.

Maybe if they see I am busy, happy and living a life of joy and abundance then they just might think twice and seek a reconciliation. Maybe not.

That's not my reason for wanting to live the best life I can. I am going to do it for me and for my husband. He was only 57 when he died. He was desperate to live, so I'm going to live for him too.

I KNOW he would want me to hold my head up, have pride, dignity and courage and to fight back and reclaim my joire de vie. I have lived with sadness for too long and this episode has taught me it's time to start living my own life again.

Not that I tried to live second hand through my sons and my grandchildren, I truly haven't but I can put my hands up and admit that since my husbands death I haven't lived my life to the full.

Over the last few years I haven't made the best use of my time on Planet Earth. I have been too sad and too scared to live but that is over now.

I know it won't happen in the wink of an eye, it's going to take time to heal. But as I'm 70 I don't feel I have much time to waste in wallowing in self pity so it's a case of getting started on the reinvention process and start living in the now. I can't turn back time (not even Cher could do that?) and as my husband used to say......"that was then and this is now".

If not now, when.

Great stuff Violetsky. I agree that decluttering and treating ourselves to nice new things can be cathartic. (As long as we don't overspend and get into debt).

I think if we elevate our surroundings to create beauty and harmony then, not only do our homes become a haven of peace and security, they can also become a launch pad from which we can venture forth to help us build a better future.

"The best form of revenge is to have a happy life" yes it is DerbyshireLass, absolutely.

Actually moving was the best thing we could have done. Love the second paragraph of your last post.

Oh I definitely agree the best revenge is happyness, that's brilliant.

At first when I stood alone against my mother I imagined scenarios where she outed herself and what she had done so that everyone could see. That she would receive justice or punishment.

I left that sort of thinking behind because it was a pointless fairytale.

We just need to be happy, that's all.

Derbyshire's lass. I just wanted you to know my Xmas tree from last year is still growing. I water it every other day. I also threw some miracle grow granules into the soil. It is now growing new shoots at the end of each branch. Clearly it will be used again this Christmas.