Gransnet forums

Estrangement

Just to see the children

(241 Posts)
Heartwrenched Mon 20-Sep-21 11:29:44

As you know I'm estranged from my grandchildren and like most of you here, I don't know why!.
Seeing as my daughter won't involve me in her or the children's lives anymore I was wondering, does anyone know if it's OK for me to park near the children's school.....not anywhere near the gates/building , just so I can see them without them seeing me. Should my daughter or partner see me, could I get into trouble just for wanting to have a glance at my grandchildren?

Chewbacca Mon 20-Sep-21 11:34:07

Please don't do it Heartwrenched, it's really not a good idea. Much as I can sympathise with you and understand why you want to do this, your motives could be misconstrued if you're caught and it will only make matters much worse than they are already.

JaneJudge Mon 20-Sep-21 11:34:11

It is an odd thing to do, so please don't do it.
I also don't know how it would work as they run around like screaming banshees at high speed during break times.

jaylucy Mon 20-Sep-21 11:40:02

Please don't do it - for one thing, hanging around a school in whatever circumstances these days is never a good idea. If the school don't know who you are, they are in their rights to contact the police about you!
Is there anyone that can act as a go between you and your daughter ? Another family member that may be able to help you find out the reason she has cut contact with you ?

CafeAuLait Mon 20-Sep-21 11:42:59

Is it a risk that you could be cautioned for stalking type things if you were discovered? I sympathise with the pain and desperation that are leading to these thoughts but I wouldn't do it. I'm sorry you're hurting this much.

Germanshepherdsmum Mon 20-Sep-21 11:44:38

Don’t do it. You can’t guarantee that you won’t be seen. You are basically talking about stalking, albeit I realise with no bad intentions, but stalking is a crime now and you could get into trouble which will only make things worse.

Namsnanny Mon 20-Sep-21 11:52:25

I'm glad you posted this heartwrenched as many of us have felt similarly, even if we never acted upon our thoughts.

It will not be seen as a benign action, and has consequences in law.

I'm so sorry, I wish I knew what would help.
Please post, people are helpful kind and understanding of your position.
It is very very hard.

Whiff Mon 20-Sep-21 12:19:10

Heartwrenched don't do it. It will only end in disaster if your daughter or her partner saw you they could get a restraining order against you. Do you really want the courts involved ?

You need to come to terms with not seeing your grandchildren. It's not easy. I am estranged from my son and 3 grandson's. It was his choice I had no say in what happened I didn't even see it coming.

He did it via email then a letter stating zero contact. So zero contact he has got. Last time I saw the 2 older boys was March 2020. After seeing them and my son weekly from August 2019. Last saw my son on my birthday April.2020 . 4 days later the email arrived. He had told me they where expecting again and later it was another son. I knew he was due in July. I don't know his name or date of birth. He was 1 this year his brother was 3 in August and his older brother will be 5 next month.

For your own sanity you have to let go and be at peace. And it's hard. I have wobbles but it was his choice. If he ever wants his mom back I am here. But he didn't just turn his back on me but all our side of the family.

What really hurts is I know this would never have happened if my husband was alive. He wouldn't have stood for it. But I was widowed at 45 my husband was 47. Our daughter was 20 and son 16. I am now 63.

My heart broken when my husband died. What my son has done has bent it but it's straighten again.

I don't hate my son and daughter in law for what they have done. But will never trust my son or forgive either of them for doing this.

I have my daughter and her family plus other family and friends who love and care for me. And who I love and care for.

I will not let them down by letting what my son has done effect my life.

My husband made me promise a lot of things the main being live the best life you can . I have kept every promise and I do live my life to the full. We had been together for 29 years married 22 when he died .

You must find a way to except what has happened . The past has gone. You need to look to the present and future.

Peasblossom Mon 20-Sep-21 12:25:14

Please don’t. If your daughter finds out you are doing this she will probably remove them to a different school and all you will have achieved is to disrupt their lives even more.

Heartwrenched Mon 20-Sep-21 12:36:05

Thankyou for all your replies. It was just a thought.. I've not seen them for 6 years in total and I've not done anything like it before...I just wanted a glance, see how they'd grown but you're all correct, it's wouldn't be a happy ending if I was seen and that's the last thing I want ...thankyou again

Sara1954 Mon 20-Sep-21 12:39:25

I can see why you’re tempted, but I agree with everyone else, it could have serious consequences, please try and find another way.

VioletSky Mon 20-Sep-21 13:28:48

I agree with everyone else and wanted to add Heartwrenched that this really wouldn't be good for you either.

Have you thought about getting counselling so you can help these feelings and move forward?

3nanny6 Mon 20-Sep-21 13:59:32

HeartWrenched ; how sad and low you must be feeling to allow yourself these thoughts and want to go to your GCs school and try to see them. It is not a good idea also someone could recognize you and report you.
It is 6 years since you have seen them and of course they will have grown but you need to find a way to cope and come to terms with the fact they are no longer in your life. VioletSky :
is right find out about some counselling and take each day as it comes be kind yourself.

Madgran77 Mon 20-Sep-21 15:55:10

It would be so tempting to do but really not a good idea, as others have said.

As you are understandably struggling with the pain of this situation, I think some counselling might help you to find a way forward. flowers

Hithere Mon 20-Sep-21 16:46:54

Team no

Think about it. Will a glimpse be enough? Once you open pandora's box, what would you like to do next?

Namsnanny Mon 20-Sep-21 17:04:29

Oh Hithere, please try to be gentle with op.

Why assume the worst?

Hithere Mon 20-Sep-21 17:27:11

I am not assuming the worse - I am being realistic.

Dinahmo Mon 20-Sep-21 17:45:30

Heartwrenched You may get to meet up with them once they are older. I have read about GPs or even separated parents who don't get to see their children who write letters and cards and keep them so that when the children get in touch they can see that you've thought about.

Sometimes children are led to believe that their GP or parent doesn't care about them because letters and cards are kept from them.

rafichagran Mon 20-Sep-21 17:47:31

Please do not do it, if you are seen it could make matters worse.
I sympathise with you, and understand why you are thinking this, but it is a no no.

Smileless2012 Tue 21-Sep-21 17:41:33

Heartwrenchedflowers. I agree that it would be a bad idea for two reasons.

Firstly, I can only echo what everyone else has said. If you are seen either by your D or someone else who recognises you, this would only cause trouble.

Secondly, and this may surprise you, it could simply make you feel even worse. We moved away so we wouldn't see our GC who lived just down the road from us.

Seeing them and being unable to talk them, reach out and touch them was unbearable. Far worse in my experience then not being able to see them at allflowers.

Neen Tue 21-Sep-21 22:39:20

Oh gosh, I can't imagine not seeing the grandchildren and therefore can only imagine the hurt.
Have you tried mediation with your daughter, or writing a letter saying may I slowly be in touch with the children.
I've a friend who writes to them and dates it every month and puts it in a basket and she said one day when they meet she's going to give him all the letters. Not sure if it helps.
I see mine but I am in the process if doing them a journal each too. Just a few lines and dated when I feel like picking it up and eventually feel the book.
I hope things improve for you .

Neen Tue 21-Sep-21 22:40:20

Eventually fill the book I meant

Liveinnan Tue 21-Sep-21 23:11:33

When I started school aged 5 I was not allowed to go out to play with the other children at playtime and had to remain inside in the classroom. At the time I didn’t understand why as nobody explained to me why,but years later I was told. My parents divorced and my mother worried that my father might come to the school and abduct me. He lived abroad and as I would have recognised him I would have happily gone with him. What I’m getting at here is your GCren might have to be treated differently at school if you are seen near the school. People tend to think the worst scenario and small children don’t understand and get upset. Best not to go. Hopefully there’s a change of heart by their parents.

Sweep123 Fri 12-Nov-21 09:32:45

I did attempt to see my grandchildren and wrote two very. loving letters to my daughter. I have been called to Police custody where I had a taped interview and am waiting to hear whether I will be taken to Crown Prosecution for harassment.
I am 86. My grandchildren are just 9 and 12. Time isn’t on my side and I only lived to see them. Now all hope seems to have gone, The only hope is that, as the EU has now granted parent rights it might be easier to persuade our government to do the same. I’m trying to find a politician prepared to fight for us.
Any advice on this will be so welcome.l

Whiff Fri 12-Nov-21 10:00:17

Sweep123 what an awful thing to happen to you. I know what it's like not to see your grandchildren. I have 3 grandson's I don't see. But it's my son's choice he cut me and all our side of the family out of his life. He wants zero contact he's got it.

I miss my son and grandson's very much. But I would never go any legal route to see them. It would only end in tears and get me no where.

You already have a harassment charge hanging over you. If you try and take this further you could face further charges.

I hope you do the sensible thing and walk away. You will only be hurt more.