Do you send gifts to GC when estranged

If a relative was introducing religion of any sort to my young children without discussing it with me first, they’d find themselves getting their contact very limited.

The truth is important even if people close their ears to it.

It's a shame to be told the truth that contact is upsetting and the truth that gifts won't be kept and that is deemed as "nasty" when those are real hurt feelings being ignored and a genuine reason to not waste time and money on gifts.

I don't understand what a non nasty alternative is.

I got flowers a lot which was silly because it is known I am allergic but anyway, they were given to brighten up a friend's day instead so at least weren't wasted.

I don't understand how telling someone I want to be estranged from that I don't want contact or gifts is "nasty" when estrangement for such a long time generally sends that message anyway.

I must say in my case I have asked for no contact many times and it's simply been ignored.

Gifts and money aren't what fixes estrangement, it is listening, time, love, understanding and respecting feelings and choices.

He is a cold and nasty man and of course there is a history of nasty behaviour on his part.

It was like a twisting of the knife into my stomach.

I hope and pray I will see the little ones in the future when they are old enough to make up their own minds, but in the mean time they remain in my thoughts always. I have two darling granddaughters I see regularly, but I have so much potential love for the others too.

This seems to be a big sticking point for a lot of family breakdowns.

I can understand my families hurt that I estranged and asked for no contact (leaving my abusive mother out of that equation).

What I can't understand is how my estranging and asking for no contact can be, in anyone's mind, worse than my reasons for estranging. I've heard so from so many sources, more from outside of my situation than in but both.

I told my brother recently that all the time he is coming to me from a place where my estranging is worse than the reasons I did it, things can never be resolved. Of course that leaves out the many attempts I made to resolve things before estrangement but it's still true.

I agree AmberSypglass although I haven't seen anyone on this thread say they have or would introduce religion to a child without first discussing it with their parents.

A history of your D's partner's cold and nasty behaviour has been reinforced with this recent response Sallywally. It must be concerning that this has come from him rather than your D.
As her mum, I'd have thought this would be a conversation between the 2 of you.

Who knows what the future may bring. Your GC may well seek you out when they're older. Is your D in contact with other family members? If she and the children see your other GC it will be difficult for your existence not to be discussed at some point.

Our DS has told us of awkward conversations in the past with his brother, his wife and our GC. The eldest old enough to know that his uncle's parents are his dad's parents. The conversations are shut down by our ES which may prove to be counter productive in the long term, if that merely feeds his curiosity.

My adult grandchildren are not estranged they simply are not interested in me and never get in touch. I'd send them small tokens of friendship but do not want to embarrass them.

Oh that's very sad Caleo. I loved my maternal GM very much. She was my rock and I spent as much time with her as I could. I still miss her.

She sounds like mine Smileless. She died in 1966 but I still think of her every day.

I also miss my maternal grandmother, she died when I was small and my mum let me think it was my fault because... Abusive etc

I think about her a lot

It's such a shame isn't to think of those GC who will never know their GP's because they're parents are estranged from them.

My gran was a wonderful knitter and seamstress GSM. I still have every single thing she knitted for our boys when they
were babies.

She made matching dresses for me and mum and always one for my favourite doll Joanna. She was amazing.

My little late baby doesn't know his nan and grandad and doesn't have his own experience of their behaviour to draw on like his older siblings. If he ever asks me why we don't speak to them I will tell him this, I read it somewhere recently:

Well, you know how in this family we don't disrespect each other, we don't try and control each other and we don't keep doing things to each other that hurt our feelings or annoy us? Nanny and grandad chose to behave that way towards us and are toxic. Spending time with toxic people damages our self esteem and we might eventually become like them. So we don't have contact with them.

"Oh that's very sad Caleo."

But I don't feel sad !

I'm glad you don't feel sad Caleo but I still think it's sad when GC reach a certain age and can't be bothered with their GP's anymore.

Caleo I'm glad you feel good about this, it's normal for children and grandchildren to grow up and there to be a distance between us where we aren't a priority any more. As long as they are always welcome and we are loving and proud from afar, I think eventually we will see more of them as they get older

With estrangement becoming increasingly popular instead of sorting out disputes, children from such homes will follow suit, if it gets a bit sticky cut off contact, no problem. What goes round comes round.

Allsorts

With estrangement becoming increasingly popular instead of sorting out disputes, children from such homes will follow suit, if it gets a bit sticky cut off contact, no problem. What goes round comes round.

I hope you didn't mean that to be unkind towards those of us here who have rightly cut off an abusive parent, and those of us who did try and failed to sort out disputes anyway

But for some the estrangement is the resolution.
Disputes don't always get resolved. Sometimes agreeing it's over and walking away is for the best. It why divorce became accepted. Because forcing people to be in a relationship they don't want to be is wrong. Even without abuse.

Yes, and it's not what was wanted for me. I tried so hard but truthfully, if I could go back, I'd just walk away without trying because it was hugely detrimental to me to try to have a positive relationship for half a lifetime

Smileless2012

It's such a shame isn't to think of those GC who will never know their GP's because they're parents are estranged from them.

My gran was a wonderful knitter and seamstress GSM. I still have every single thing she knitted for our boys when they
were babies.

She made matching dresses for me and mum and always one for my favourite doll Joanna. She was amazing.

That’s lovely Smileless. Really amWhen I was very small I had a tiny doll and my Granny knitted outfits for her. I don’t have the doll or the outfits any more except in treasured memories. I have so many of those.

I meant Really amazing.

It does make you wonder what the repercussions for some may be Allsorts, when there was never any attempt to try and sort things out and they just walked away.

Sounds like your GM and mine were very similar GSM.

My mom used to knit outfits for dolls when we went to bed, to find them dressed differently next morning, she used to make little purses out of felt too, things didn’t cost much but meant a lot. Both my grandmas were opposites in characters but all lovely in their own way and very much part of our lives.,I feel blessed to have had such a lovely upbringing.
Smileless, my children were so loved, fabulous grandparents both sides, yet one turned away from them all.

Our boys were the same Allsorts, even living in Aus. didn't stop DS from being in touch with his paternal GM who he was particularly close too.

Smileless2012

It does make you wonder what the repercussions for some may be Allsorts, when there was never any attempt to try and sort things out and they just walked away.

Sounds like your GM and mine were very similar GSM.

That small distinction was appreciated.

In hindsight I wish I hadn't tried so hard though and I do appreciate that some people were trying during the relationship so when the last straw falls, they just cannot any more.

They are probably a lot stronger than me because I had a complete breakdown and I was desperate to fix things while knowing that I couldn't accept any less than a genuine attempt by the other side

I did not pay much attention to my grandkids when they were children , so naturally there is not much of a relationship there.

I quite like them all and they are always welcome on the rare occasions I see them.