Daughter Detox ~ Recovering from an Unloving Mother

If taking a thread from its intended use and using it to discuss something you view as positive that others are struggling to cope with is important to you...

Then that is a choice

No one is stopping you doing so

Just acknowledging that may result in pain and confusion for someone looking for support.

This is something that many people do understand

You would have to know someone very well vs to know that if the opinion they give is more important to them, than the person seeking support and/or understanding.

This is an online forum and I shouldn't think there are many of us who know anyone well enough to be able to make such a claim.

I suppose it depends if they are willing to listen when you explain to them Smileless after witnessing some upset and confusion.

No sorry, I don't agree vs. That's making an assumption that someone isn't willing to listen which for me is the same as assuming that the opinion they're giving, is more important to them than the person/people looking for support and/or understanding.

You'd have to know someone well to make such a claim.

We will have to disagree then Smileless

I think because I am not entirely sure what you are saying

I just thought it worth pointing out something that may avoid others needing support feeling hurt or confused

I think that's for the best, sometimes agreeing to disagree is the best way forward.

I just remember, no idea what the name was but on an estranged parent thread an estranged parent telling me that bringing up my estrangement situation just wasn't relevant, helpful or supportive.

Well, not in that kind language, it was actually more "It's not about you"

As I've progressed in my healing journey I've realised, no, it's not about me. Just because I am under the topic of estrangement doesn't mean my personal experience is relevant.

Each is different.

So I don't bring it up now unless it is relevant to the person needing support, that way I avoid causing them any hurt and confusion.

It took me a little while to see it because I was quite bitter, angry and unknown to me, seriously ill at the time but I eventually got over myself and listened, even if it wasn't said kindly and have since changed my behaviour for the better.

That's why this thread, healing and personal growth are so important.

No one wants to stay stuck in the past with the same old toxic patterns.

If your personal experience is relevant to you vs, then it's relevant. It may not have been relevant to that particular poster at that particular time, but may have been relevant to someone else.

Support threads are for anyone looking for/needing support and as we know, others join in not because they have personal experience but to give their point of view which sometimes is supportive, but not always. Sometimes it's intended to be supportive and sometimes sadly, it isn't.

I can only say again, that I haven't seen any posts on this thread where the poster intended to invalidate or hurt and confuse another.

Why is it more important to discuss nuances than accept that certain wording or explaining certain experiences is hurtful?

example :

A:
Please don't discuss peoples positive experiences doing x - its hurtful.

B: well it really shouldn't be and here is why it shouldn't hurt you.

A: I've mentioned its hurtful, I don't need to be told it isn't

B: Its not hurtful. Threads meander - why are you trying to silence me? I'm being supportive!

Just apoligize, accept someone is hurting and move on without arguing?

Apologising and allowing someone support for their painful experience is definitely key.

That's empathy in action Summerlove

I'm not arguing Summerlove I'm disagreeing and I wont apologise for something I haven't done.

The Body Keeps The Score

We are now coming to chapters about how memories are stored which are really interesting and informative.

Some people remember abuse and store it with usual memories and some store those memories traumatically after disasosciating during the event itself.

I was somewhere in between, I always knew I was abused but in adult life some memories came in a different way, as if they were happening now.

Things were triggering them, words or touch or smells that reminded me of them.

(I'm sorry, I really am trying not to be detailed here)

I found this very difficult to cope with, it wasn't like remembering, it was more like them happening right now. So I didn't trust them completely.

The book explains that actually trauma memories that might not show us the whole picture and might have a strong association with a certain feeling or touch or smell, are actually very reliable. Eventually they can be put together like a jigsaw puzzle. Normal memories can be changed to a degree.

It's so interesting how a trauma memory is stored versus a normal memory.

An example in the book was a child who had been in a severe accident and the mother could only remember the wound itself, not what led up to it or what happened afterwards

The book also mentions talk therapy (counseling) was used to help place those disordered trauma memories back where they belonged so our bodies could stop playing them out and feeling like they were happening now. Which I think has worked well for me personally but might not for everyone.

Talk therapy is not apparently as successful as EMDR therapy which I am starting to think I would really like to do.

My memories were buried for about 14 years and came back as pictures, flash backs that I didn't understand and couldn't make sense of.

There was a degree of disassociation which made it at first impossible and then difficult for me to make sense of it all. For a long time it was if I was on the outside, looking through a window and watching it happen to someone else.

I am sorry you have had to deal with that Smileless

Have you thought about or tried counselling or therapy?

I'm really interested in EMDR

Smileless2012

I'm not arguing Summerlove I'm disagreeing and I wont apologise for something I haven't done.

Could you please define the difference between arguing and disagreeing?

Please note - I never said you or anyone else was doing either.

Youve however missed the point of what I was trying to say.

VioletSky

I am sorry you have had to deal with that Smileless

Have you thought about or tried counselling or therapy?

I'm really interested in EMDR

Ive heard and seen excellent things with emdr. If you can find someone who practices it - please look into it.

I will, I may be able to get it through work now too as they cover some things like that. I will look into it

I did talk it through many years ago, not sure if the person was a counsellor or therapist. That was when I realised I was on the outside looking in, if you know what I mean.

I know it took some time and I suppose courage to see myself in that scenario instead of someone else in my place.

I took your comment as being directed to me Summerlove; my mistake. Arguing is putting across one's point of view/opinion in an angry or heated way, and disagreement is having and/or expressing a different opinion.

As a survivor of ACEs yourself Smileless I hope that one day you can come to understand what we have tried to explain to you today

As I've already said vs it isn't a lack of understanding it's disagreement.

One day

My oldest used EMDR to help with lasting issues after a lightning bolt hit right next to the house. It set off the home alarm, smoke detectors and sent the TV they were watching into Poltergeist mode.

It was very effective.

Not heard of it before imaround so have googled and it does appear to be effective.

I have a psychotherapist friend who, like her colleagues is a certified EMDR practitioner. She had 30 years experience before training in EMDR. The focus of their work is children, adults and trauma. It’s private inevitably. I don’t know of nhs clinics, the govt focus of 6 weeks CBT as a cure all is imo inadequate/plain wrong for trauma

I’m uncomfortable about some of the comments directed at Smilesless. If this is to successfully support people, why exclude her? Some Passive aggressive, cold and critical comment I feel are unnecessary. Just my opinion.

Iam64

We would like to keep this thread supportive to those who need it and simply helping each other to do so is part of healing and personal growth. If people are able to understand that a simple boundary might stop other posters feeling hurt and confused that will benefit all of us.

Thank you for sharing your thoughts