Daughter Detox ~ Recovering from an Unloving Mother

No, but I did catch her getting ready to set up my Grandma's LTC payments to go to her house.

Which is not proof of her trying to steal, but based on her past I wouldn't put it past her.

It is a sad state of affairs that so very many adult children were the victims of unloving mothers. I wonder why so many mothers deliberately bully their adult daughters. I think mine is narcissistic. Are they all narcissistic maybe?

freedom I'm glad your grandmother has you to look out for her.

maddy it's something I will never understand no matter how much I learn.

I found this very helpful

parrishmiller.com/narcissists.html

I have no idea maddyone. I am not a professional, so I wont diagnose, but my mom does check all the boxes.

I have spent a lot of time trying to understand why she is the way she is. She, too, was a victim of childhood abuse, which has created who she is today.

I think understanding is the reason I am helping her. That and I do not want her and my dad to be homeless and want to live with me. But that doesn't mean I want to spend time with her. Honestly, we just fight when together because she is who she is an I don't put up with it. It is easier for both of us.

maddyone

It is a sad state of affairs that so very many adult children were the victims of unloving mothers. I wonder why so many mothers deliberately bully their adult daughters. I think mine is narcissistic. Are they all narcissistic maybe?

I think for some, they take the 'daughter's a daughter all of her life' as law.

I know when my mother said it, the hair raised on the back of my neck and I told her not to threaten me.

It seems like some have an expectation that daughters are on loan to their own lives, but, like a dog on an extendable lead, if the button is pushed, they're to zap back and put their role as daughter back in the primary spot of their lives again.

Jealousy can also be an issue. Some women find it very hard to go from the pretty young woman/wife/mother to being the mother of the pretty young woman. Plus, there are more options for women today than of generations past. Education, careers, to marry or not, to stay married or not, have children or not. Unfortunately, it seems to lead to some mothers viewing their daughters as either competition, or their chance to 'get it right' by attempting to force their daughters to live the lives they wanted for themselves.

At the end of the day, I think it boils down to control. For generations of women, the only real control they seemed to have was over their children, especially daughters. Society has changed, and it's created a lot of unrest in terms of mismatched expectations in family roles.

I agree with jealousy, appearance to my mum was everything and when I was young I was dressed like a doll, which I hated because I liked trousers and climbing trees and bike riding.

As soon as I became a teenager it all changed. I had no clothes, she taught me nothing about periods or the new level of personal hygiene girls that age needed. I got a job at 15 but she made me give most of my wages to her so after travel expenses and sanitary needs I had nothing.

Sometimes she would give me her old clothes but then say I wasn't looking after them, take them back and give them to someone else or they would vanish. I think simply because I was happy with them.

I was so desperate due to bullying at one point, I stole myself a bra because she wouldn't get me one.

She even became jealous of me with my stepfather and this went on for years, little comments and digs any time he was nice to me or I tried to treat him like a father.

Green eyed monster.

I do not think there are any more narcissistic mothers than daughters, the narcissistic mother started out a daughter.

Good point Allsorts

Yes of course, daughter, mother, grandmother (if they choose to have children) ... Narcissists age the same way everyone else does

There is a lot of literature about how narcissism runs in families and how children eager to please a narcissistic parent may also become narcissistic themselves.

The golden child, desperate to please and only valued for what they achieve or how much support they give to a narcissistic parent, in an otherwise non nurturing environment, normalise the way they are treated. They are the most likely next generation of narcissists. One of my brothers is a classic example of this.

The scapegoats who just give up and accept their parents words that they are worthless and useless may turn to substance abuse and escapism to dull the pain of their childhoods. This can lead to narcissism too as a result of their behaviour when their addictions come before all else. Another of my brothers.

The scapegoats like me, abused by a narcissistic parent, heaped with all the blame and shame of the whole family but fighting it and refusing to accept how they are treated. The ones who tell the truth and will not lie or cover things up to protect the family image are most likely to escape the family and seek help.

One of my biggest concerns when I went to seek help was fear of being like my mother. I am not a narcissist I found out, I just had learned behaviours which were easy to pick up on and eliminate because I have genuinely never wanted to hurt anyone. Not even my mother by going no contact yet I was forced to protect myself.

There will always be narcissists who scapegoat people willing to speak the truth, to try to silence and humiliate them but they only win if allowed to do so.

I think my sister is a narcissistic personality. Not only me, but one of her children, who is a doctor, has said the same thing.
I was the child who quietly accepted all the abuse, even as an adult, for many years. I have only really accepted what my mother is in recent years, although my husband was telling me for years that she was abusive and unnatural. I kept on trying to please her, but I was never successful unless whatever I achieved could reflect well on her. She has spent her life putting me down, making me less than (by constant comparisons with others which always reflected badly on me) and expecting me to fulfill her demands. In order to get me to do that she has been extremely manipulative. My husband says she cannot love anyone, she is incapable of love.

maddy having read your posts you have an almost super human level of patience and kindness, you really do

VioletSky

I have been exhausted lately but I am finding time to read The Body Keeps the Score and it is so interesting. I've been learning a lot about how trauma impacts you and understanding myself and can't wait to learn more about managing it

That sounds interesting Violet.

maddyone the early part of the book is very autobiographical, some of the patients he has worked with and the subject matter is disturbing but it does help understanding

Thanks for posting about scapegoating Violetsky I was also scapegoated by parents and in other situations too, but am getting better at setting healthy boundaries. Your book sounds interesting! Learning how and why does help those of us with an analytical brain , I think.

Ooops I pressed too soon, Was going to say, us telling the truth is their own worst nightmare. They hope we don't remember, but we probably do- and if not, our bodies do.

It's just awful to have the message, from as young as you can remember, from the person who you are wired to love and trust that you just aren't good enough.

Or the message that you are expected to be responsible for a parents emotions and expected to be there, enmeshed, supporting and holding up a parent instead of the other way around.

Or the message that you don't matter, your needs and feelings ignored because the parent puts themselves first.

It all does incredible amounts of damage. There are vital stages of development missed, literal brain connections lost, a body stuck in a constant mode of stress not sending the right messages which results in illness or triggers without being able to self soothe.

Then the person who is responsible being so abusive that they will never be accountable, tell you that you are the actual problem, scapegoat you and recruit others to bully and harass you, all to hide their own shame.

It makes me so happy to see those who are not only facing up to the reality of what has happened but actually taking responsibility that should never have been theirs to reverse the damage.

Yes it is Violetsky. Every time since I can remember I've been "too fat", "too stupid", always "too much" in some way or another. None of it is true though, it's narcissistic projection.

If someone ever says Im too much again I have the perfect answer though www.facebook.com/watch/?v=304186258114997

All of what you say is true, Violetsky. We were robbed of being known as that adorable baby, that beautiful child, of our good bits being celebrated and of having unconditional love. I believe all of those wonderful traits are in us and always have been, just that we were so lied to that we believed the lie. So abusive. We were never too much. Always just right. Perfectly unique and meant to be.

One of my earliest memories was that my mother always told other people, in front of me, that I was ‘awkward.’ She seemed to mean difficult, not behaving as she wanted me to behave. I would hide behind her skirt when I was very little because I was shy, and she’d pull me out, loudly telling the other person that I was awkward. I can remember being embarrassed by being called awkward, and yet when this happened - regularly I might add - I wasn’t even at school, so I must have been 3/4 years old.

I think you’re absolutely right OnwardandUpward. We were robbed of being the adorable baby, the gorgeous toddler, the beautiful child. I never felt I was any of those things. I don’t remember my mother playing with me, reading to me, or helping me with homework. To a great extent I was ignored.

It's incomprehensible that a mother could treat her own child that way maddyone. I hope that in adult hood you've had people in your life who have found you adorable, gorgeous and beautiful, and told you so.

I am interested in what you are all saying, it’s like belonging to a club where you don’t have to explain or make excuses.
It’s sad in a way that I was never that special girl, that I never measured up, that no one was ever proud of me, I didn’t brighten up any ones day.
But it showed me how not to raise my children, as I tell my grandchildren, you can never have too many kisses.
I think I grew up with a bit of an inferiority complex, was always surprised when people liked me, but nothing can be changed, and I’m not sure that trying to understand is very helpful, because we can’t, my mother is still alive, and is quite good at being the hard done by one, but I don’t care, nothing she can say or do has any affect on me .

I understand what lies deep within you Violetsky. Not precisely what you have beeb through, bur more to the point the inability to just let things go.

Someone metioned it
must be like a scab, pick, pick, pick and it never heals. It is subconscious, its there, it happened, you experienced it and so you can't erase it from your mind, its an impossibility, you can alter this and you can alter that, you can make sure such and such never occurs, but its always THERE.

Like i say, your particular experience, i have never known, but i do know what it is like to carry a heavy load that is impossible to dump.

Serendipity22

I understand what lies deep within you Violetsky. Not precisely what you have beeb through, bur more to the point the inability to just let things go.

Someone metioned it
must be like a scab, pick, pick, pick and it never heals. It is subconscious, its there, it happened, you experienced it and so you can't erase it from your mind, its an impossibility, you can alter this and you can alter that, you can make sure such and such never occurs, but its always THERE.

Like i say, your particular experience, i have never known, but i do know what it is like to carry a heavy load that is impossible to dump.

This!! Thank you Serendipty22 - this in bucket loads!!