Daughter Detox ~ Recovering from an Unloving Mother

I'm so sorry Onward Maddy and Sara sometimes we have to mother ourselves.

serendipity I've heard it referred to as "the mother wound" so that's quite apt in a way.

I think that, we do heal but there are some things that, despite trying cannot be healed completely. Like depression and anxiety as just 2 of many examples.

For me what helps is to look at the positives of that.. For example, anxiety...

I'm a careful driver
I'm contientious at work
I always do my best
I don't let people down
I'm never late

If you can't fully heal the damage a mother does, you can still learn to love yourself as you are

VioletSky Yes you are right. Dreadfully sad but we just have to accept 'our history' and move away from it as best we can. I have made myself busy with my family and love and look after them to the best of my ability. This has helped heal some 'mother wounds'.

Love0c it's part of us it shaped us and its who we are but it's also what led me to my own husband and children who are amazing, some really wonderful friends and it shaped my job choice and I'm one of the lucky ones with a job I love.

I wouldn't change any of it of it meant I went a different way in life

I think we have accepted it love0c. And yes we do move away "as best we can". But we will never get that explanation, that closure, of how as a child we were never wanted, never cared for as we should have been. From the EAC I've seen on here the capacity for love of their family is absolute. And you're right, it does "heal some mother wounds".

I know this is a hard topic but you have all brought me some inner peace this evening

VioletSky

I know this is a hard topic but you have all brought me some inner peace this evening

That's wonderful Violet - I hope you have a very peaceful evening

Yes, we were robbed, but not intentionally- because no one who is whole and happy treats a child like that or behaves in a toxic manner. Hurt people, hurt people. Whole people are free to love unreservedly.

We were denied the chance to be the adorable baby, the gorgeous toddler, the beautiful child- but looking back we were all of those things whether it was recognised and celebrated, or not.

Yes, the mother wound. Unfortunately my Mother has one and she passed it on. How I wish her healing, that she may not live another day with it because I don't wish it on anyone.

Glad you have some inner peace Violetsky There are many of us in the same boat and we can learn to love ourselves, to consciously choose people who love us and accept us as we are.

It’s best to let it go as much as you can, I have had a good marriage, lovely children and grandchildren, she doesn’t like that, she says I’ve been lucky, lucky to have had nice children, if she had had children like mine, everything would have been different.
She hates that on the whole life has been good to me, she doesn’t think I deserve it.
Of course we’ve had upsets over the years like anyone else, and she takes great joy in that.
So, who has had the miserable, mean spirited life? Not me.

Sara my mum used to say similar things... When my brother bought a house she kept saying how lucky he was, I did say to her that it wasn't luck, it was his hard work! She was jealous having never owned a house.

It's the same with relationships, it's not luck, it's our hard work, being loving and patient, being accountable for mistakes, learning to be a good parent, parter and friend.

VioletSky
Spot on, don’t let her spoil your achievements, be proud.

Yes, being accountable is important for personal growth. I used to be a lot worse at it than I am now because I still followed the patterns I was brought up with. When I started to re-educate myself, those things dropped away and I now think differently.

"Change your thoughts, change your life" really does help. I'm not saying things are perfect, but I'm better than I was.

Something I struggle with is that my Mother always finds something less than complementary to say about my sibling. It might be that they are bad at something, or have done something stupid. I don't see any evidence that what she is saying has any basis in reality, yet she seems to love to run them down (even if it IS fictitious) I know if she does this to others, she will be saying all shades of nonsense about me.

"They lied so others wouldn't like me, but I lied so people would like them". seems appropriate, at least to my childhood.

The best way to cope, I think, is to simply not give a hoot about what’s being said about you.
If people know you, they will know it’s not true, if they don’t know you, it doesn’t matter.
I think I’m fortunate that my husband knows exactly what she’s like, as do some of my friends, I don’t involve my children at all, she’s a different person to them, but even to them, she’s not above bad mouthing me.

I think I’m fortunate that my husband knows exactly what she’s like……

This is true of my husband too. I think we really need our husbands and closest friends to understand what our mothers were like and continue to be like. Old age doesn’t make them better, it makes them worse in my opinion.

I’m glad you found some peace the other night Violet. It’s important to have peace.

She hates that on the whole life has been good to me, she doesn’t think I deserve it.

How true this is. My mother was jealous and resentful about everything I had, from a gold bracelet bought for me in Italy by my husband,
’You shouldn’t have bought her that, you’re spoiling her’ to
’Are you sure it’s not stolen?’ when I told her I’d bought my very first car (I bought it second hand from a private seller.)

You really couldn’t make it up. And how resentful and jealous does she sound? I bet you’ve all got similar stories to tell.

Maddyone I do believe you because mine thinks everything should be for her. Yes, like your "stolen" car, everything I have has to be marred by her lies. She lies to my sibling about me all the time, but at least we both know she does it and are not fooled in the least. Poor lady, I don't know if she believes the lies she tells others or if she knows she's lying?!

Because they are so full of slanderous lies about my sibling I find it painful to spend time with them. My sibling also feels the same and we both know they tell lies and slander about us to each other and other people.

Probably what I need to do if I see them is confront it and say it's unacceptable. They might be too old to change, though- and really, it's not in their interests to change because it involves effort and caring about others.

Onward andUpward
I think you would not only upset yourself, but it would be a total waste of time to confront them.
I’m sure that they probably think it’s all down to you, unlikely they’ll change now.

I agree, it would be an episode of gaslighting and crazy making...

What is gaslighting? Is this gaslighting?
My mother (94 years old) went into hospital last Friday for constipation and a mild water infection. She had demanded that the paramedics were called on Friday evening. They could find nothing wrong so decided to take her into hospital to see if the medics could find anything. She was happy and chatting when she went according to her carer. She let my mentally ill and alcoholic sister know, although she lives some 250 miles away. My sister then texted my daughter in law know and then my son asked if I knew. She didn’t let me know even though my husband and I are the ones who visit her in the care home, who sort out anything she wants and take it to her, and are at present sorting out her flat and selling it for her. We sort out all her finances for her, and her business stuff and repair anything required. Despite this mother chose to not let me know she was going into hospital and then didn’t reply to my text. I have been in touch with the hospital every day and been reassured that she’s not seriously ill and will be home soon. I haven’t been to visit her as I assumed that since she didn’t tell me she was going into hospital and didn’t answer my text, that she didn’t want to see me, or more likely, punishing me for visiting her less frequently (as advised by Gransnetters.) I put in my text that I respect her desire to be left alone but will go to visit her when she returns to her care home.
Is this gaslighting? Is her ignoring me gaslighting?

Here is gaslighting explained maddyone

www.daughtersofnarcissisticmothers.com/gaslighting/#:~:text=Gaslighting'%20is%20a%20strange%2Dsounding,of%20reality%20is%20not%20right.

So if mum tells you she did tell you or that she asked someone else to tell you when she didn't, that would be gaslighting

Sorry the link looks so odd, it does seem to work OK

Thank you VioletSky now I understand what gaslighting is, it’s lying. Well my mother must have a first class degree in gaslighting as she’s spent her life lying to me and to other people.
So I don’t know what her deliberately ignoring me is called, but I know she’s playing games because she let my sister know, who does absolutely nothing for her except talk to her every day for about an hour on the phone, but she didn’t let me know. I think their relationship is toxic. My sister’s son is a doctor and he has said his mother is narcissistic. So I’ve got two of them to deal with.

Gaslighting is fascinating

en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gaslighting

www.verywellmind.com/is-someone-gaslighting-you-4147470

From the "I never said/did that" to the word twisting "you meant this/that" when you meant nothing of the sort.

As soon as you see that happening you know you are dealing with an abusive person and they are trying to destabilise you so they can get away with it. When you eventually blow up, they send out the PSA to anyone who will listen about what a horrible person you are...

It's not even that intelligent really to gaslight someone even though they feel very smug about it

Unfortunately I didn’t have any knowledge of any of this, including what narcissism is, when I was a younger adult, and certainly no knowledge when I was a teenager and she started the horrible comments. I thought that she was cruel, a very cruel woman, because of the way she picked on me. I couldn’t understand how a mother could behave in that way towards her own daughter. I wish I’d known and understood what I know now.