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Looking for the right answer to criticisms.

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Eugenia Thu 24-Feb-22 23:27:13

Ever since my daughter's husband walked out on her, while pregnant for a 21 year old girl, I have been the dumpster of my daughter's moods.

My problem is I do not know how to handle her constant criticisms of me. Believe me, I have cried so many nights thinking of her pain but now she has me so scared I will not see her or the grandkids over anything I do or say that she doesn't like.

Last year she blocked me for 6 weeks because she made me cry after I offered to lend an ear over her feelings and she rejected the offer quite meanly, really just lost it on me for doing so. It was hellish because I missed my grandkids and she wouldn't even talk to me. She made me promise to go to a therapist; I did. The therapist doesn't know what I can do, other than continue to be there for my daughter, which I have. The therapist has become basically a sympathetic ear and tries to offer suggestions to avoid my daughter's wrath but it's surprisingly hard to do no matter on my best behavior....

I promised myself I would never ask her how she is in regards to the breakup, ever again. And I haven't' since.

But now everything I do is wrong......she keeps saying things about wanting her kids to not feel in the middle over the breakup and my feelings about my son in law living with that 20 something are a danger to that.......yet I have never said ONE bad word about their dad, never bring him up and when my grandson does I only encourage and smile.

I can't get over the pain my son in law caused but I never express it in front of my daughter or her kids.....she told me to get over it because she suffered more.....as though I thought I did?????

I also never engage my daughter in argument when she yells at me for letting my grandson do things. Those things are usually when he gets hyper and sometimes I cannot stop him. He will make a mess of some sort.

This is usually while she is present but working on paperwork for her job. So yes she is aggravated at her son for the interruptions. But I get yelled at.

Somehow she believes I'm the one in danger of putting her kids into emotional situations of the adults. I am an emotional person. But I know what is appropriate in front of kids.

Yet instead of pulling me aside if she has a beef with me, she yells in front of them and I see the look of discomfort on my grandsons face that SHE is actually causing! While yelling at me....I do not yell back. I try to just do what she wants.

I genuinely do not want the grandkids to be witness to family feuding, I never take part in that. I believe in family unity, not constant bickering! But lately I am scared.

I worry eventually I won't see my grandkids if it keeps up. My main question is, am I doing wrong at times by apologizing and also explaining my actions? Should I just agree with her, even if I did not do what she claims, just say Ok you are right? I'm afraid doing that would confirm my guilt in her mind. Right now I feel like I'm on trial but guilty by default. She is judge and jury.

I will do anything, I love my grandchildren so much it hurts. Just like I have loved my own kids. But frankly, I have lost some of that with her. She is not the same daughter I had. She changed completely after her husband left and yes I understand the hell it must have been but it's been over 2 years and she doesn't let up on me.

What should I do???
I think too, it infuriates her when she yells at me when I am doing something she deems wrong, when watching my grandson and he actually speaks up and says no Gma didn't mean to do that........he's only 4 and even he sees the problem.

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Herefornow Mon 07-Mar-22 09:44:44

The point that many here have made eugenia is that the grandkids are not yours to focus on. Focus on things that make you happy, yes, but you have no claim over these grandkids. Even if you bide your time, wait until they are old enough to contact you independently, old enough to want to spend time with you under their own steam... Who's to say they will? What if they have other priorities, other people they want to pay attention to, friends, partners, etc? What will you do then? Will you try to guilt them? Convince them to prioritise you in some way? Perhaps your daughter doesn't want that for her kids? Perhaps she wants them to focus on their own lives as they grow older and more independent. That would certainly be a healthier approach.

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M0nica Mon 07-Mar-22 09:56:11

There are none so blind as those who will not see.

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Herefornow Mon 07-Mar-22 10:11:48

If your first reaction to my comment above is 'no, of course i wouldn't try to guilt anyone', the question stands - what will you do then?

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VioletSky Mon 07-Mar-22 19:55:57

Eugenia, the impression that comes to me from your comments is that you are like a bystander in your own life, just watching it all happen and then dealing with the emotional toll it has on you.

I think this really has to change and you need to take control.

It's no good just living in your head, wondering about the what ifs, wishing things were different, crying alone.

You can't change others, only yourself... That's true. So change yourself. Be the best version of yourself. Be the best parent you can be to your individual children. Don't try to treat them the same and expect the same results, put the work in equally. Take responsibility for your failings as well as your accomplishments.

Either your family will grow with you or you will grow apart but at least you will know you set the right example

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Oldladynewlife Mon 07-Mar-22 21:19:31

Such great advice from everyone. All I can suggest is that Eugenia either reads and rereads all this good advice with an open, curious, mind or that she go back to her therapist and ask the therapist to help her read these comments and figure out how they apply. The therapist is trying to help you, Eugenia, deal with the fact that you are coming into the later stages of life at which point we all need to be growing in wisdom and finding meaning in our lives—perhaps that is something which was denied to you, or which you didn’t think was necessary in all the Hurley burley of family life. But as we enter our last third of life we have to face up to it bravely. What goals do you have for the next thirty years—what relationships? What values? How will you live those values? Not facilely (“I would forgive my SIL” is facile because he’s not asking you for forgiveness) but concretely: what will you do, where will you go, who will go with you? You’ve said several times you aren’t happy—what is your plan for finding out what makes you happy and doing it (that isn’t dependent on the attention of a four year old boy?)

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