The Hard Truth About Going No Contact With A Parent

It isn't just that people don't understand. That I get.

It is that people continually choose to not understand and go out of their way to comment about it over and over again, despite having it explained.

(although as I pressed "post" I seemed to hear my mother's voice, "making a fuss about nothing...over sensitive"..hmmmmmm)

Why do you think they do it imaround?

If its not malicious, then it can only be its pressing a button of theirs, but they are not aware of it?

I can only speculate. Which I won't.

There will be people on her side, people will say, Sara always was a handful, she led her poor mother a right dance.

I’m pretty certain, there will be people who will say, there was always something not quite right in that house, always felt a bit sorry for those children.

Again I say, we were not abused, but there are other ways of making your children unhappy.

SsRa, you did whats right for you and your family, it can't have been easy. A saying comes to mind, you don't always recall what people say but you do remember how they made you feel. There are no real winners in estrangement.

you don't always recall what people say but you do remember how they made you feel that's so true Allsorts and it's difficult to comprehend how someone who used to bring you so much joy, can end up bringing you so much sorrow.

Allsorts and Smileless
I think that just about sums it up, that’s why it’s so hard for anyone else to properly understand.

I am now a grand myself but we were estranged from my husbands parents for years, and I don’t agree with those who say as diamond is suggesting awful parents can be wonderful grandparents and should have those relationships preserved at all. The first job of a good grand is to have a loving respectful relationship with the parents - if you can’t manage that the gc don’t need exposure to you

I can only speak from my own experience. I had a poor relationship with my Mother, growing up.

She was a lovely Nan and Great Nan - if I could have chosen her, I would have.

My (now) adult children have nothing but golden memories of their grandparents - why on earth would I have deprived them of that??

My relationship with her was mine - it wasn't theirs. In later years, it was respectful -we both put a lid on any aggravation with each other. It was polite and courteous, which was all it needed to be.

Perhaps it's best not to generalise, and just go by what we think is best for our own children, at the time. Every situation is different.

I don't regret a thing, and wouldn't change a thing.?

DiamondLily
Agree completely when you say the the relationship was yours.
I wouldn’t have tried to stop my children seeing her.
I wouldn’t say she was great, she definitely had favourites, but it wasn’t my place to come between them.

No, unless it's going to be harmful to the children, I find it unreasonable to prevent what could be a loving and close relationship between GC and GP.

I didn't want to burden my kids with moaning and commenting how good or bad my childhood was. They needed their own good times and memories. Which they've got.

12 years on from her death, neither has a clue about how I felt about my mother and my childhood. No need for them to, as it's all in the past.

She was a good mother, in lots of ways, just emotionally removed from me. Not good, but it happens.?

My youngest was ten when I finally estranged my mother, my oldest two in late teens were more than capable of making their own choices, and my husband always took the youngest one to visit.

Twenty years on , the oldest still has a close relationship with her, but the other two make a few duty visits a year, but they certainly aren’t close.

I think she’s a very good grandparent to my brothers children.

Well it's certainly an interesting perspective on an article about abuse.

Emotional abuse is considered just as damaging as physical or sexual abuse

Once you are able to break free and understand your childhood was abusive and it is in your best interest to be No Contact, then it's quite obvious that the children should be protected too.

My older children have all told me how my mother made them feel, either by being abusive to me in front of them or by directly treating them badly. Even her favourite wants nothing to do with her. The younger children had the right choice made for them.

If I could go back in time, knowing what I know now, none of them would have ever met her.

my estranged parent didn't want to be a grandparent and never made any effort to be

JaneJudge

my estranged parent didn't want to be a grandparent and never made any effort to be

My mother was angry and disgusted every time I got pregnant. I use to tell her in a public place so she would keep her hands and her nails to herself and not shout at me.

She did something with my children once a year. Only some children and not others and it all had to go on Facebook and I had to thank her on Facebook.

She once bought me quite a large "gift" and after I had done the public thanks on Facebook, informed me I had to pay her back even though I couldn't afford to at the time and wouldn't have bought it myself... and the kicker? I was not allowed to tell anyone I was paying it back

I can laugh at it now

Wow vs...

I don't think I'd laugh

Laugh or cry sometimes

Violetsky don't give yourself a hard time because your kids met your mother. The alternative may have been worse, if you didn't introduce them, they may not have believed you and blamed you. They may have had an ideal image of their gran of they hadn't met her and blamed you for depriving them. So while you regret it, perhaps the alternative would be worse.

knittingnovice yes that's possible isn't it

I guess we are all OK now and that is the main thing.

Thank you

Knittingnovice thats very perceptive advice indeed.

If the GC hadn't found out for themselves ....well they may not have been able to support and understand you.

We dont choose the people who happen to be our relatives, any more than we choose our neighbours.

There is a true story of when the Emperor Napoleon III of France (whom most of the royal families of Europe regarded as an upstart) wrote to the Czar of Russia. According to etiquette he addressed the Czar as "Sire and my good brother" but was miffed to get a reply addressed to "Sire and my good friend." He took it as an implied slight.

However one of his advisers reminded him that our relatives are people we are just stuck with, but we are free to choose our friends.

Violetsky, your mother really is a piece of work, I’m glad you’ve made your escape, but perhaps you just need to accept that she’s a horrible person, not your fault.

What a brilliant advisor Biglouis, Nap111 took offence where non was intended and advisor knew just how to diffuse the situation.