The Hard Truth About Going No Contact With A Parent

Allsorts
Mostly I agree with you.
I have a clear conscience, I have no intention whatever of backtracking, I don’t care what other’s opinions of me might be, and I haven’t involved my children.

But, in my case, and I’m sure so many others, there seems to be so many loose ends and unanswered questions.

I’ll never know for sure why my mother is as she is, and I’ll never know why if mainly affected me.

I want to draw a line under it, but these niggling questions persist.

Reading other peoples experiences is sometimes interesting, especially when they mirror your own.

Envy - indeed. The man I'm parting from - one of the determining factors (of many, but stands out) is envious of the fact that I have loving grandchildren. (You see, they were from previous marriage, and I have a good relationship with Ex)

At one point in the last few months he made me choose between them and him. And sadly of his own making, he was so abusive to DiL.

As my sister said (dear wise sister!), how many woman would put a new partner in front of their own children? (Unless of course dear readers it's your child doing the abusing).

I'd say my parents were good enough on the looking after front and never openly destructive. But I do look at close families full of hugs and affection and realise there was something lacking. I don't envy them but well, I tried to do better myself!

Sara I also think it's important we talk about it.

There are so many out there still struggling who need to be saved from toxic relationships.

I am so grateful to all those who have broken free and still had the strength and made time to support others

Without all the well written articles and the stories and that support.. I may have been sucked back in or I may never have achieved any healing at all.

I'm so grateful

I'm sure I remember an article about it Wyllow I think that envy is well known. Will have a look

I don’t think most people who have estranged for years worry about their “conscience being clear”. I think the silence and distance speaks to their resolve in the decision. While there are obviously cases where people reconcile, it’s doubtful in instances where radio silence has been the rule for years that guilt is a factor. For me, the opposite would be true. I personally couldn’t spend day after day after day of my life lamenting such a loss, as I struggle to see how it promotes healing. There are a few analogies that come to mind. I liken it to continuously reliving the worst days leading up to the death of a loved one. For me, it is the exact opposite of therapeutic. Like opening a scab with a sharp butcher knife everyday.

psychcentral.com/blog/recovering-narcissist/2017/08/5-ways-pathologically-envious-narcissists-undermine-your-success#3

This is important though

If you ever doubt the power of your own voice... just look at what those with ill intentions do to try and silence you

What I do not understand is why if someone estranges anyone, they would be taking about it years after?

I don't think it is always "clear cut", Allsorts. It's a form of grief like no other. As my family member said, they miss the good bits of the relationship or the relationship they thought they had but can no longer bear the toxic behaviour which in her case could be downright dangerous. Part of you wishes that things could be different, especially if it is a parent or child. You might know that estrangement is the only path but it doesn't mean that you are necessarily content with it.

Which is why we are here really and I posted the article

"The hard truth about going no contact"

It is just completely unfeeling to think people don't need to process their own feelings years later

I don’t think it’s ever done lightly, I don’t think I ever actually loved my mother, but that didn’t stop me constantly striving to win her approval, I never did.

So although I’ve walked away with no intention of walking back, it’s annoying that I don’t really know why things were as they were.

She’s different with some of the grandchildren, she absolutely adores my oldest daughter, and has definitely tried to cause trouble between us at times, my son she’s indifferent to, and my youngest, she’s not keen on, because I think she reminds her of me.but she loves all of my brothers children.

I find it strange that I can be kind and compassionate with people. cry at the death of the Queen, and have no feelings at all for my own mother.

I'm sure for the vast majority of those living with estrangement there are unanswered questions Sara and as long as there are, we'll never have closure.

FWIW I don't thinks it's strange that you ^can be kind and compassionate with people, cry at the death of the Queen, and have no feelings at all for (your) own mother. A life time of striving for approval and unreciprocated love is bound to have had a profound affect, and her trying to cause trouble between you and your D will only have added to that.

You may know that estrangement is the only path but it doesn't necessarily mean you are content with it wise words icanhandthemback.

I've never understood how or why someone who claims to love someone in their life would want them to choose between them and someone else in their life that they love Wyllow.

We are a family full of hugs and affection and our ES was a much loved part of that family for 27 years, but estrangement happened anyway.

Smileless

Closure is overrated

Why not accepting what reality it?

Even having answers you think would help you doesnt give closure- it may create more questions

Reality is

I think it's wonderful that so many estranged children are so focused on understanding and healing

My childhood is part of me.

That's my story

I'm not ashamed of it

I'm proud of myself

When it comes to estrangement I don't think there is ever closure Hithere and one of the reasons is because of those questions to which there will never be answers.

Acceptance for me is a separate issue and I'll quote icanhandthemback again because she put it so well
You may know that estrangement is the only path but it doesn't necessarily mean you are content with it. That to me is what acceptance is.

(Smileless, although he concealed it well, he wanted me totally to himself deep down. And I think I know why, given his past.)

I think its equally valid to be able to close a chapter down, and be able to leave it behind, and to want to grieve and heal in our very different ways.

Sometimes we think things are closed, then an event or a person comes along that triggers feelings again.

That's how I happen to function generally in the great puzzles of the "why's" of childhood and the results, but my experience is that each time I re-visit it, its different, and feelings change over time. This helps my healing, but wouldn't for everyone.

Also, some people WANT to puzzle things out more than others. Some people accept it but do not trouble themselves greatly with the "why's". Some people are naturally more interested in "What makes people tick".

You've a substantial puzzle there, Sara! This may be a difficult thing for people to hear, but its only since my mum died, and that was 2006, that I have come to accept, understand, and forgive as fully as I ever will.

My current to be ex of course is still in the "much puzzling" stage........

I agree that answers would probably just open up more questions, questions which can never be answered, but it doesn’t stop you wondering.

I know some of you are victims of horrible abuse, I’m not. I also accept some responsibility, especially during my teenage years, when I truly think I hated her at times, I was mouthy, and uninhibited, she was embarrassed and ashamed of me, number one priority with my mother, what will people think? All people, but in particular my grandparents and the minister!

Funny if it wasn’t so sad.

Your opening sentence really resonated with me Wyllow. Our ES's wife wanted him all to herself, and given her past I can see why. She never managed to hide it completely although the full extent had never been anticipated.

As you say, some people do want to know what makes others tick, why they behave the way they do and I'm one of those people. Maybe life would be easier/simpler if I wasn't.

It may have taken you a long time but there will be some people who never manage to come close to accepting, understanding and forgiveness; it's not an easy thing to do.

Even though answers can lead to more questions some of us wonder anyway Sara, perhaps because maybe we think we might get answers to those questions too.

Smileless
There is of course some hope that you will get answers, and I really hope that you do.
Your patience will hopefully pay off, and one day your boy will come back into your life.

But for me, apart from my mother, anyone who might have shed some light is dead.

I sometimes wish I’d broached the subject with my dad, but I’m pretty sure he wouldn’t have wanted to discuss it.

Thank you Sara, that's very kind.

What I can't believe is that, even after being told countless times why EAC continue to need support years after having to make the difficult choice to estrange thier family, people will still post in a thread with a judgemental tone about not understanding why EAC need support.

Choosing to estrange family, for a lot of people, is not a game. The estrangement is not the winning hand where we celebrate and move on. We still grieve the loss of our family years later and need support from those who have had the same experience.

Imaround
I don’t think we can really expect people to understand.
That’s why this forum is helpful, it helps you realise you are not actually on your own, that other people go through similar experiences.
Apart from my husband and a couple of close friends, I don’t think anyone else really gets it.

It's a bit sad really, I have lost count of the amount of times I have addressed that comment over the years yet it pops up on any post made by an EAC...

I think it's probably not actually our problem...

And it's lost its sting for me bit I remember why it hurts and see why it hurts others.

This article is the best I have found about the complexities of "when abusive relationships end" and how it can make you feel but how difficult its is for others to understand

www.counselling-directory.org.uk/memberarticles/when-abusive-relationships-end-a-complex-grief

I have been judged and found wanting because Bloke has a definable Mental Health problem, from 2 POV.

One is, as the article I've posted says, "This can be the hardest bit for those around you to understand, they may not be able to tolerate hearing what you miss about someone that has hurt you so badly, and they may have their own feelings – often anger, protectiveness and sadness – about what you have been through."

The second is of course, "you should have hung in there to look after him". I am clear I shouldn't - after all, in reality there is rarely a clear dividing line between definable MH problems and people who have difficulties but no label - so in many ways I think the first is more difficult

ie,
well, you've moved on, why keep going on about it etc"

btw, personally I haven't felt judged by any comments above - just assumed that they react to things differently from me?