Estrangement is always painful, no matter if we are the child or the parent. I agree it is never ideal, but it may be necessary to cope.
Ten years ago I lined up the pills to end my life as a result of my Mothers terrible bullying and recruiting other people to bully me at a time when I needed support more than any other time. She knew this- and yet she brought people to bully who believed her. I did not have the strength to defend myself. I prepared to die.
In the end, the only thing that held me here was my kids in the other room. The realisation dawned that they would find my dead body, how could I do that to them? I had to fight. I got a therapist and started working on survival. She warned me that my family would change if I changed. I needed to change to survive, so I carried on. My Mother did her best to prevent me continuing with the therapy. When this did not work and when I started to get stronger, she left the area without a forwarding address. I was devastated.
Many years later, I have accepted I will never have that love. She told everyone I will die young. I think a part of her goaded me almost to suicide, hoping that I would indeed die young. I will always love her, but she will never love me how I needed to be loved as a baby. Indeed she was sectioned for harming me as a baby and I will always be that bad baby who she blames and scapegoats for causing her (the perfect one in her eyes) to fall from grace and be sectioned.
This is how it is and I accept it. I will never receive anything I need from her. I am at peace with the situation, but it has taken me a long time. I have cared for her in ways she has never cared for me. I was the parent all along.
I'm sorry VS that estrangement was necessary, but glad you're not suicidal , depressed or hating yourself anymore because this was never about you- it's about Mother's like ours who cannot love. Mine is at a huge geographical distance (not my choice, but hers) so I have not had to make any decision. I have learned to be the bigger person. It's hard but I will always be the bigger person and she will always be the baby who didn't grow up and is stuck in childhood, especially now that she is elderly and needing care. There is no way back from here, for me and her.
I have never tried to change her, but I admit I spent a lot of time wishing she was the kind of Mother who would have a coffee or go to the shops with me, the kind of mother who could encourage and be kind, who wanted the best for me. But, I accept it. I can be my own best friend and work on myself.
I hope in time things will be different with you VS, but I accept they never will be for me due to my Mother's age, geographical distance and general decline.
I always tried to be the best Mother I could, to be the opposite- to never say unkind things and to listen, validate etc etc- yet somehow I've lost.